Sunday, August 6th, 2006
Marriage – The Example of Christ’s Love for the Church
Ephesians 5:21- 33
Intro: Current trends in Marriage
The pastor was visiting the fourth-grade Sunday school class to talk about marriage as part of the lesson. He asked the class, “What does God say about marriage?” Immediately one boy replied, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
In 2004 the divorce rate was 47% of all marriages. 1
By age 30, about half of women in the U.S. have cohabited outside of marriage, even though after 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent, compared with 62 percent for cohabitations. 2
“Baptists have the highest divorce rate of any Christian denomination, and are more likely to get a divorce than atheists and agnostics, according to a national survey.” Now don’t start pointing fingers at the Baptists, because the survey conducted by Barna Research Group in Ventura, Calif., also found that “among Christian groups, only those who attend non-denominational Protestant churches were more likely (than Baptists) to be divorced,” …. And “born-again Christians are more likely than others to experience a divorce,” said George Barna, president of Barna Research Group.”
But this is not necessarily all bad news. George Barna noted that the large number of divorces have changed young people. ‘One of the most striking findings in our recent survey among teenagers is that when we asked them to name their top goals for the future, one of the highest-rated was to get married and have the same spouse for their entire life,’ he said.” 3
I. Christ Exhibited in Mutual Submission
1. The scriptures never should be used to perpetuate any form of human oppression – the scripture and Jesus teachings affirm
a. The dignity of womanhood
b. The equality before God of all human beings
c. The unity of all Christian believers John R W Stott
2. “The God of the bible is a God of order and in his ordering of human life – (the state and the family) he has established certain authority of leadership roles.” 4
“He begins with husbands and wives. “Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church.” Now there’s a difficulty here isn’t there. That’s the difficulty of working out what it means for the husband to be the head of the wife. It raises the issues of subjection and oppression … and it raises the question to what extent does the husband’s headship depend on the social situation of the time? But it’s also a difficult issue because we live in a fallen world. Let me take you back to Gen 3, to the fall, to the source of our difficulty. Here’s what God said would be the result of their disobedience: (Gen 3:16 NRSV) “To the woman he said, ‘I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.’” Now the term desire there is the same word that’s used in the next chapter where God warns Cain that Sin desires to have him. In other words her desire for her husband isn’t necessarily a physical desire, rather it’s a desire to control him. So the result of the fall is that men rule over women and women desire to have it the other way around. Rather than to love and to cherish, our desire is to dominate. So our natural inclination isn’t to submit to one another but to rule one another. So that makes it doubly difficult for us to deal with a verse like this. Wives find it hard because they don’t want to submit to the rule of another. Husbands find it hard because it gives them a perfect excuse to exercise their sinful urge to dominate. But neither response is a Christian one.” 5
“Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Whatever there is of uneasiness in this, it is an effect of sin coming into the world.” 6
“We have to be very careful not to overstate this biblical teaching on authority. It does not mean that the authority of husbands, parents and masters is unlimited, or that wives, children and workers are required to give unconditional obedience. No, the submission required is to God’s authority delegated to human beings…. The principle is clear: we must submit right up to the point where obedience to human authority would involve disobedience to God.” 7
The authority that is implied in the instructions to submission and obedience is actually never mentioned explicitly. That authority “must never be used selfishly, but always for those others for whose benefit it has been given.” Paul actually “warns them against the improper use of their authority, and forbids them to exploit their position, and urges them instead to remember their responsibilities and the other party’s rights.” 8
II. Christ Exhibited in the wife’s submission to the husband
A. Husband is created to be the head
1. Stated as a fact
2. Refers to God’s order
3. in both I Cor 11 and I Tim 2., Paul refers directly back to Genesis 2. Paul bases his argument in creation and thus supercedes all other arguments and cannot be dismissed as “culturally irrelevant.”
4. “This is not chauvinism, this is creationism” “Of course the sexes are equal before God, but this does not mean that they are identical.” John R.W. Stott
B. Husband’s headship is defined by Christ
1. Stated as fact
2. Refers to Christ’s redemption
3. from the head, the body derives health and maturity
4. expresses care rather than control
5. the head is the savior of the body – not lordship but saviorhood
C. Submission is grateful acceptance of his care.
1. Kathy Miller writes, “Throughout the first seven years of our marriage I struggled with perfectionist tendencies. Nothing Larry did was good enough. He wasn’t a good enough provider—even though he worked two jobs to support our family while I stayed home with the kids. He didn’t talk enough to me; he didn’t help properly with the housework; he wasn’t as concerned about my desires and expectations as I was. The list went on and on. My standards were set so high that Larry couldn’t win—ever. Since Larry didn’t meet all my needs, I believed I couldn’t give him credit when he showed me love. Instead I focused on his inadequacies. No matter how Larry tried to please me, I found fault and pointed out his shortcomings to "motivate" him. I "punished" him with my displeasure by withholding sex, affection, joy.
2. My demands and impatience were destroying my marriage! Larry began to work more overtime, and when he was home, he tuned me out by reading or watching TV. My sense of failed expectations became so bad that I felt I didn’t even love him anymore!
3. Then one day during my devotions, God opened my eyes to what I was doing. My behavior wasn’t getting me what I wanted. So why was I continuing it? I’d thought, When Larry changes and meets my needs, then I can be joyful and content. But I realized he might never change! God wanted me to be joyful and content regardless.” 9
4. A recognition of our unique and God-appointed roles.
a. Submission does not imply inferiority
b. Submission is not unthinking obedience
c. Submission is not revenge
d. Consider the life of Joann. Her husband finally went to the doctor after weeks of serious symptoms. The doctor examined him carefully, then called Joann into the office.
"Your husband is suffering from a rare form of anemia. Without treatment, he’ll be dead in a few weeks. The good news is, it can be treated with proper nutrition."
"You will need to get up early every morning and fix your husband a hot breakfast--pancakes, bacon and eggs, the works. He’ll need a home-cooked lunch every day, and then an old-fashioned meat-and-potato dinner every evening. It would be especially helpful if you could bake frequently. Cakes, pies, homemade bread--these are the things that will allow your husband to live.
"One more thing. His immune system is incredibly weak, so it’s important that your home be kept spotless at all times. Do you have any questions?" she shook her head NO. "Do you want to break the news, or shall I?" asked the doctor. "I will," the wife replied. Joann walked into the exam room. The husband, sensing the seriousness of his illness, asked her, "It’s bad, isn’t it?" She nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. "What’s going to happen to me?" he asked. With a sob, Joann blurted out, "The doctor says you’re gonna die!"
5. “Paul is thinking here of a voluntary, free, joyful and thankful partnership.” Markus Barth 10
6. “The biblical teaching is that God has given to man in the marriage relationship a certain headship, and that his wife will find herself and her true God-given role not in rebellion against him or his headship, but in a voluntary and joyful submission.” 11
7. For “the obedience a wife pays to her husband is at the same time paid to Christ himself; he being head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church.” 12
III. Christ Exhibited in the love of the husband for his wife
A. Love your wife like Christ loves the church
1. He Loves her
2. He Sacrifices for her
3. He Sanctifies her
4. He Cleanses her
5. He Presents her
B. Love your wife like you love yourself – The Golden Rule
1. Your authority is not in power, dominion and oppression.
2. Your authority is here presented as responsibility
a. The Seven ‘C’s of Responsibilities
b. Commitment: Are you in it for Love? Then how do you define love? What about when you don’t feel strong affection? Your spouse needs to be able to BANK on your commitment! Does your spouse know that you are in it for good and bad, or do they question your commitment?
c. Communication: Talk to Each other; Speak their language (transmitter / receiver); #1 Problem in relationships; What I hear you saying is …. ? You’ve probably heard about the couple who hadn’t communicated for some time because they had been arguing. They were riding on a Sunday afternoon in the country, and he spotted two mules on the other side of the fence. For the first time in 3 weeks he spoke to his wife. He pointed to the mules and said, "Some of your relatives?" She replied, "Yes, by marriage." And back into their stewing silence they went.
d. Compromise: It’s okay to be right and quiet!; It’s okay to give a little; It’s okay to meet the other on their terms Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that’s too warm, beside someone who’s sleeping in a room that’s too cold.
e. Consideration: Submit yourself to the other; Yielding; What are their needs? What are their desires? You are their caregiver! Tim Gardner, director of the Marriage Institute writes, “One of the greatest ways a husband can serve in marriage is to lovingly touch his wife—in a non-sexual manner and without wanting sex. In my marriage, my wife loves having her scalp massaged. Many nights she falls asleep with me reading, holding my book with one hand and massaging her head with the other. She knows I’m not trying to manipulate her into ’something more,’ and I know it’s something she truly loves and feels served by—in spite of the shoulder pains or my arm falling asleep!” 13
f. Consistency: Be predictable; Give them Stability; Give them Security; Give them one person on earth they can count on!!
g. Cooperation: Know your Role; Purpose to Work Together; Share a Cause; Have all things common
h. Compliments: Recognize Your Partner; Rejoice in their special qualities; Build up their egos; Dwell on the positives!!! 14
C. Love for your bride and love for your body is the same because you are one.
1. A “oneness mindset” will eliminate 75% of relationship problems. Most men don’t think with oneness – instead they think in terms of “the competition.” It’s me against her. Let me tell you something, if you think that way, you are only fighting against yourself. You are now one – physically AND emotionally AND spiritually AND financially.
2. “The big problem in homes today is not insubmissive women, but men with warped views on leadership…if things aren’t right at home, ultimately it’s the man’s fault…at least, God holds him responsible.” 15
3. It was Ed Taylor who said, “The wife is the reflection of the husband in the home. If our wives have faults & failures and are spiritually lacking, the first place to look is my spiritual leadership in the home.” 16
Conclusion:
The marriage relationship is a beautiful example and a model of the love of Christ for the church. It was Dr. Lloyd-Jones who wrote that we should always think of marriage “in terms of the doctrine of the atonement.”
Husbands, can your wife see Christ in the way you love her? Can your family see Christ in the way you love your wife? Can your neighbors see Christ in the way you love your wire?
Wives, can your husband see Christ in the way you love him? Can your family see Christ in the way you love your husband? Can your neighbors see Christ in the way you love your husband?
The bottom line is, “If you fall in love with God, really fall in love with God, you’ll notice a difference in your love toward your spouse.” 17 And so will everyone around you. Marriage was meant by God to be an example of the great love Christ has for his church.
FOOTNOTES/REFERENCES
1 National Center for Health Statistics, http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm;
2 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention; Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States; July 24, 2002; http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/02news/div_mar_cohab.htm
3 The Associated Press 12/30/99; BIRMINGHAM, Ala.; http://www.divorcereform.org/mel/rbaptisthigh.html
4 John R.W. Stott; The Message of Ephesians; IVP, page 218
5 Chris Appleby; A New Way of Relating-Mutual Submission; www.sermoncentral.com; September 1998
6 Matthew Henry; Commentary on the Whole Bible; Ephesians 5:23; http://www.ccel.org/h/henry/mhc2/MHC49005.HTM
7 John R.W. Stott; The Message of Ephesians; IVP, page 218
8 IBID, page 219
9 Kathy Collard Miller; Confessions of a Former Perfectionist; Marriage Partnership, Fall 2005
10 Markus Barth, Quoted by John R.W. Stott; The Message of Ephesians; IVP, page 226
11 John R.W. Stott; The Message of Ephesians; IVP, page 222
12 John Wesley; Wesley’s Notes; Ephesians 5:22; http://www.ccel.org/w/wesley/notes/notes/Ephesians.html#Chapter_V
13 How Do You Serve Your Spouse? Marriage Partnership, Summer 2005
14 Brian Gilbert; Three ‘R’s of Marriage; http://www.sermoncentral.com; June 2005
15 Jerry Shirley; Dad’s Sacred Duty; www.sermoncentral.com; June 2006
16 Ed Taylor; God’s Plan for the Husband; www.sermoncentral.com; March 2002
17 Mike and Debbie Breaux; The Real Thing; Marriage Partnership, Fall 2004
SERMON NOTES
“Marriage – The Example of Christ’s Love for the Church” Ephesians 5:21-33
1. Christ exhibited in mutual submission
* The scripture and Jesus teachings affirm the d___________ of womanhood, the e_____________ before God of all human beings, and the u__________ of all Christian believers.
* Our natural inclination isn’t to submit to one another but to r_______ one another.
* We must submit right up to the point where obedience to human authority would involve d_________________ to God.
2. Christ exhibited in the wife’s submission to her husband
* That the husband is created to be the head refers to God’s o__________
* That the headship is defined by Christ refers to Christ’s r__________________.
* Submission is recognition of our unique and God-appointed r__________.
* Submission does not imply inferiority or u________________ obedience.
* Submission is a v________________, free, joyful and thankful yielding to another. continued on back side
3. Christ exhibited in the love of the husband for his wife
* Christ L___________ her; He S________________ for her; He Sanctifies her; He Cleanses her; He P________________ her
* Your authority is not in p___________, dominion and oppression. Your authority is here presented as responsibility.
4. The Seven ‘C’s of Responsibility:
* C__________________
* C__________________
* C__________________
* C__________________
* C__________________
* C__________________
* C__________________
NOTES:
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