Man and Wife or Spouse and Strife?
(I Peter 3:1-7)
1. Marriage bears the brunt of a lot of humor.
2. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" ?
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" (jokes.christiansunite.com)
3. Grandpa Jones was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. ?"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." (jokes.christiansunite.com)
4. Despite many attacks leveled against marriage, most young people today hope to get married and stay married. But it takes a lot of adjustment to be happily married. We must learn to understand the other gender and to take two wills and blend them into a new combined third will. But sometimes it is like a salad dressing with vinegar and oil. The combined union separates into two wills.
5. All human beings seek two things in life: security and significance. But the genders tend to lean in opposite ways. Generally, women value security above significance, while most men value significance above security.
6. Good relationships must get over the control phase and move into the cooperation phase.
Main Idea: God wants Christian husbands to be gentle initiators and Christian wives to be confident responders. Yes, this often – though not always -- makes for a better marriage; but it is first and foremost God’s revealed will.
I. Women: Develop A Gentle ATTITUDE (1-6)
A. A woman’s sense of power is often connected to her BEAUTY
1. Peter tells us that it is a submissive spirit that impresses a lost husband (1-2)
2. The temptation for some women is to focus primarily on outer beauty (3)
• As women age and their beauty fades, she is no longer the center of attention. If a woman cultivated her inner self, she is, in some ways, more beautiful than ever! If she is shallow within, she may have some beauty left on the inside, but she is ugly within…
• I’ve known women who were beautiful when they were young and used to everyone bowing before them, but when they got older and their beauty faded, they made absolute fools of themselves either trying to act like teenagers or creating trouble just to get attention…
3. Instead, the deeply Christian woman focuses primarily on her inner self (4)
Proverbs 31:30, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
B. It is FEAR that provokes vanity and STATUS behavior (6b)
1. "A woman can trust her ability to influence and control her husband, or she can trust God and be submissive. A woman can trust her outward adornment, or she can trust God and cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit. It all comes back to trust in God, so she should be like the holy women who trusted in God." David Guzik
2. Status-seeking women come across as incredibly shallow and immature, and they are; but it is fear that keeps them immature; they can control clothing and lawns and houses, and that control soothes their fears.
C. Other women develop an INDEPENDENT attitude to combat fear
1. To cope with fear, some women become rough, hard, and impervious
2. When I was a young man, I used to get angry at such women; as I age, I am beginning to feel more pity for them; many of them have been traumatized and abused, and getting tough was a survival technique; it takes great faith to overcome such a pattern; they are later often friendless and lonely. Their fear isolates them.
D. The example of SARAH, who was anything but WEAK
1. Sarah is given as an example of an alternative approach, the approach of faith
and submission
2. Sarah was no wimp; she freely shared her opinion with Abraham; women who are walked over are not following Sarah’s example…but she generally went along with Abraham and let him make the major decisions…but she chimed in
3. We tend to focus upon her failings, how she encouraged Abraham to father a child through Hagar…but remember, they had been married over 50 years by that time…to me, that’s a lot of faith…
4. The Jewish teachings echo Peter’s words…The Talmud says {Sepher Musar apud Drus. de Quaesitis, Ep. 54. & in loc.}, "the wife ought to take care of the family, to educate her children, to serve and minister to her husband in all things, "calling him her own lord"; which is what we learn from the example of Sarah, who called Abraham her lord, saying, "my lord is old.""
E. What Peter means and does NOT mean
1. He is not saying Christian women should not wear jewelry
• John Gill writes: "The Jewish women used to wear a crown of gold on their head, in the form of the city of Jerusalem, called a golden city {Misn. Sabbat, c. 6. sect. 1.};. R. Akibah, it is said {T. Hieros. Sabbat, fol. 7. 4.}, made a golden city for his wife, and the wife of Rabban Gamaliel envied her, for it seems this was reckoned a grand dress. Not that the sense is, that every thing of this kind is forbidden, but when used to excess and extravagance; otherwise the daughters of Abraham and Sarah were decked with ear rings, bracelets, and jewels of gold; see Genesis 4:22"
• "When the camels had finished drinking, the man took out a gold nose ring weighing a beka and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels."
2. He is not saying women should take physical abuse or be doormats
3. He is saying "trust God to help you overcome your fear of being vulnerable"
Encourage your husband to initiate, and respond to him gently, even if you disagree or feel you must be firm… don’t punish your husband because of how your father or other men have treated you…
If you want to get close to someone, you have to risk trusting that person, even if sometimes in some ways he or she fails you…
II. Men: Develop Gentle BEHAVIOR Toward Wives
A. By definition, most men are NOT gentle
1. At least, traditionally
2. And men should feel free to be gruffer with other men
B. But men can BEHAVE gently by choice
1. Most men are very gentle…when dating
2. If a man can be gentle when dating, he can be gentle when married
3. The ancient Jews saw it that way, too
• {T. Bab. Bava Metzia, fol. 59. 1. & Sepher Musar apud Drusium in loc.}, The Talmud says, "let a man always take care ‘of the glory of his wife’; for there is no blessing found in a man’s house, but for the sake of his wife, as it is said, Genesis 12:16 ‘and he entreated Abraham well for her sake’: and Rabba used to say to the citizens, ‘honour your wives, that ye may be rich.’"
• {T. Bab. Bava Metzia, fol. 59. 1.}, "if thy wife be short of stature, bow thyself, and whisper to her."
C. If women crave security, men crave SIGNIFICANCE
1. Men are used to fighting it out; they can get in a big argument with a buddy and think nothing of it the next time they meet…but women don’t work that way
2. Both men and women refuse to believe that the other gender is that different
D. Most men do not realize how HARSHNESS destroys their marriage
• We are unaware how we come across
• With women/children, watch tone of voice, volume, choice of words, listen, don’t just bark out orders or condemnation, avoid put downs (confront issues but do not tear down individuals)
E. Men are to treat their wives like a DELICATE piece of China
1. Frank Gabelein adds, The woman is called the "weaker partner" ( skeuos, lit. "vessel"); but this is not to be taken morally, spiritually, or intellectually. It simply means that the woman has less physical strength. The husband must recognize this difference and take it into account. "As you live with" probably refers to sexual intercourse in addition to the broader aspects of living together. The husband is to show his wife "respect" ( timen , "honor") and not despise her physical weakness. Men are also to remember that women are coheirs of "the gracious gift of life." ... Women will have an equal share in the new age; and even now in the life of the new age, they experience the grace of God equally with men (cf. Gal 3:28). Men must also remember that selfishness and egotism in the marriage relationship will mar their relationship with God.?
2. This requires them to "live with their wives in an understanding way" NASB
• women need constant reassurances…every day
• they need to hear "I love you" and "I find you attractive"
• women need their husbands to listen without offering advice or solutions
• most women are less interested in the physical aspects of marriage then men, but will respond as men initiate, unlike what we see on TV
• women are simply wired very differently from men..
3. How many of you still own a VCR? How many of you know how to program it? There is a big difference between owning something and understanding how it works.
F. Male aggressiveness converted to GENTLE initiation
1. Too often we associate leadership with military-like chain of command mentalities
2. Others try to encourage men to be passive and not take initiative
3. But men are to offer leadership; they are not to enforce it, nor are they to refuse to negotiate or compromise…so if you want to be close, you have to work with human nature; marriage works a whole lot better when couples consider one another and move away from demandingness…
4. How a man treats his wife is a spiritual matter; mistreatment breaks our fellowship with God and hence renders our prayers powerless; only men who truly lead their families are to be considered for the offices of elder or deacon…
5. It is often (not always) possible to be firm without being harsh; to be decisive without being stubborn, to lead without using others as a doormat
6. In our "male is bad society," more men probably struggle with being weasely, passive, and unwilling to take the heat that comes from failed decisions… in the past it was the opposite; when is our society going to strike a balance? As Christians, our homes can demonstrate that balance.
CONCLUSION
1. Many people think that if a marriage takes work, it must be a bad marriage.
2. The truth is that a marriage that takes works is a normal marriage. What will make it good or bad is determined by how hard each spouse is willing to work and persevere.
3. If you want your marriage to work, get real. Get to work on yourself. Wives, focus in on developing that gentle spirit; Husbands, work on developing gentle behavior toward your wives.
4. My wife and I have been married for over 25 years, and we have worked on our marriage for most of those 25 years. We have learned to adjust to one another, and we are closer and happier than we have ever been. But we would not be as happy if our marriage stagnated, if we just let things be and created a peaceful distance. And we wouldn’t be as happy if we did not each focus upon ourselves rather than expecting the other person to make all changes.
5. Where do you start? Read, but read the right books. Gusy, one of them is reviewed in this month’s Body Builder, "For Men Only." And the other one, "For Women Only" is great for the gals to read.
6. Get serious about serving God and growing in Him. When we give our attention to nurture our souls, it affects our daily disposition.
