INTRODUCTION
(Video – From the movie “Hope Floats” [Sandra Bullock] Birdee’s interview with Dot).
We hear a lot in church about the need to seek forgiveness and how to seek forgiveness. But I want to talk today about how to give it. How should we receive and apology?
People change. And Christians should change dramatically as they grow in their relationship with God. Too many believers hang on to their old ways. But the longer we pursue God the more we should resemble him. One key area of change that needs to occur in the life of a Christian, is how to forgive others when they have hurt us. And Joseph’s experience teaches us some very helpful lessons about that.
1. GOD
The very first thing we need to remember about receiving an apology is that it has nothing to do with the person who has offended us (Do they actually mean it – do they realize just how much they have hurt me?”). However, it has everything to do with you! And it’s this. We need to remember just who we are in light of the existence of an Almighty God. We see it in Joseph’s response to his brother’s appeal for forgiveness.
“Am I in the place of God?” (v19) Joseph asks.
Joseph saw that it was not his place to judge.
But Joseph’s brothers panicked when their father died. Because in their eyes, without his restraining presence there was nothing to stop Joseph seeking his revenge for all the wrongs they had done to him.
Do you remember? They hated him so much as a young boy that they threw him down a well. And when a caravan of slave traders came by they sold Joseph and then gave him up for dead.
But now the power was in Joseph’s favour.
And it had never occurred to Joseph’s brothers that he could have forgiven them. They were ready to do anything to pacify him. But Joseph wasn’t interested in that.
In his high-ranking position as Prime-minister of Egypt, Joseph could have become an overbearing tyrant. Getting his own back would have been easy. It’s likely that his brothers would have got him back if they had been in his position. But Joseph was different. He lived by a different standard. And he knew his place in the scheme of life.
“Am I in the place of God?” he asked – knowing full well that he wasn’t.
It reminds us of some other directions from the Bible:
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord (Rom 12:19).
In other words to repay evil for evil is to live in the old life. Joseph understood that as a follower of God, judgment is God’s territory. And he was obviously confident that God would be fair. He trusted him to take care of the situation and not to botch it up. Joseph trusted that God’s judgement would be not too heavy and not too light – it would be just right (Kind of like a balanced breakfast).
This is an important point because all of us are umpires at heart. We all like to call a “no ball” on someone else sometimes. It’s just how we are
But the truth is we have all hurt someone else at some time and had the need to apologize. We are no better than the person who has offended us. We need to remember that when someone has hurt us and we are receiving their apology, it’s not our place to judge –that’s God’s responsibility – and he’s big enough to handle it properly and fairly and in the right time.
2. REALITY
But that doesn’t mean that we have to lie down and be walked over by everyone either. We need to be realistic about the hurt that’s been done. It’s not our place to judge, but by the same token, we can’t ignore injustice either.
We learn from Joseph’s experience that we need to be real – real about the hurt that has been done and real about the forgiveness that is offered.
Joseph doesn’t try to gloss over the injustice that has been done to him – he faces up to it – and he helps his brothers to face up to it. In v 20 he says: “You intended to harm me…” (v20)
We often try to cover it up when other people hurt us – sometimes out of false sense of needing to be polite or heroic or because we’re afraid to harm the relationship.
We hear it all the time don’t we? “Forget about it,” we say. Which usually means, “You forget about it, I’ll save it up for ammunition next time.”
For the health of our relationships we need to take a lesson from Joseph and not deny reality, but face up to it.
Our forgiveness is not meant to be weak. Tolerating poor treatment and injustice is NOT forgiveness. It’s actually dangerous because someone, who is probably completely innocent, is one day going to be on the receiving end of all the built up bitterness, anger and frustration.
Being real puts a stop to the hurt and protects our relationships.
The Bible goes even further. In Ephesians 4:31-32 we’re told that people who don’t face the hurt and who harbor ill feelings are not only ignoring reality, but they are still living the old life – an ungodly life.
In that passage we’re instructed to:
EPH 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
EPH 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
EPH 5:1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children
God faced the reality of the hurt we have caused him through the crucifixion of his Son Jesus Christ. He has brought it to our attention and he has fully forgiven us of it. There’s no way he could say, “Forget about it.” He wouldn’t, he loves us too much to leave that wedge of bitterness between us.
And he calls us to love each other in the same way – to be real, to get the hurt out in the open, and to truly forgive it.
This is the best thing about knowing Christ – he brings a real/true perspective on life and he transforms bad situations and makes them good. Are you facing a broken relationship where someone genuinely intended you harm? Is that situation causing you pain? God’s promise to all of us here is that his intention is to bring good out of bad situations. When we are on God’s side we can overcome the harm done to our relationships through unforgiveness – maybe today you need his help?
The lesson here for those who know Christ is that we need to take what has been a real hurt and reclaim it for God’s purposes. Don’t ignore a real hurt and pretend that that is forgiveness. When we clear someone of their guilt we must be real and sincere, and our forgiveness must be permanent. If the hurt is real, face it, and make the forgiveness real too. That’s the kind of thing people would expect Christ to do. So when we do it, others will see Christ at work in us.
The world also needs to see this real and honest approach to relationships at work in the church. To know that God’s forgiveness is real the world needs to see it at work for real among his people. When we do this we reclaim real hurt and use it for God’s purposes – showing the world that knowing Christ makes a difference in our lives.
3. ACCOMPLISH
The next point grows out of that. It’s like this, when we are accepting an apology we need to make a choice. Will we express our own evil desire or will we choose to reveal Christ? And to make that choice we need to ask what it is that God is trying to accomplish.
You see, God is in the business of taking bad things and transforming them into good things. Joseph acknowledged that when he saw that in the evil his brothers had done ….
“God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done …” (v20)
Sometimes our lives are like the back of a tapestry – a jumbled mess. But when we take a look from God’s perspective we can see what the artist has been creating, and it all fits together - like the front of a tapestry.
What freed Joseph to forgive his brothers was perspective. And more specifically it was God’s perspective.
In v20 we see that Joseph realized that his brothers had intended to hurt him. But he also understood that God had achieved a good and important outcome through his brothers. So seeing the good hand of God at work - even in the evil of others - freed Joseph from anger and any desire for revenge.
In our relationships, which are often messy and twisted, God is everywhere – he’s weaving his work and his purposes in all of it. Yes people do mean to hurt us, it’s just the nature of the fallen world we live in. But God, “works all things together for the good of those who love him” (Rom 8:28), and that even includes the evil of others.
So we need to look at the big picture – to consider what God is trying to accomplish in these circumstances. And we need to choose to redeem what has been an unfortunate situation, for the purposes of revealing Christ.
In fact Christ has given everyone the opportunity to live for a higher purpose – i.e. to know and reveal Christ. So because God has a plan – and every situation forms a part of it - we no longer have to burn with anger or waste energy on revenge. We simply need to trust God as he goes about accomplishing his purposes around us.
4. COMFORT
Once we have given the situation to God, once we have faced reality, and once we have asked what it is God is trying to accomplish – only then are we in a position to offer comfort to the person who has hurt us.
Joseph did this first, by verbalizing his love, “So then, don’t be afraid …. And he reassured them and spoke to them kindly” (v21).
As a parent I try to be very careful about how I speak to my children. I can use words that tear down like, “You’re a very naughty little girl.” Or word’s that build up like, “I love you, but I don’t like that behavior.”
I don’t think we need to be reminded of how powerful words can be.
What we’re seeing here is that Joseph uses the power of words to reassure his brothers of his love for them.
Proverbs 15:4 reminds us that:
PR 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
What a person says can bring either healing or harm. Healing words bring life to the spirit but perverse words crush the spirit.
And speaking words of comfort when we have received a sincere apology reveals our heart. It shows that we have truly forgiven – and communicates that to the person who has hurt us. Jesus said,
…. out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34).
Jesus is saying that what a person truly is determines what he says and does. If a person is forgiven, then they will be someone who forgives. If Christ is overflowing in our hearts then we will speak words of comfort.
When you receive an apology, think before you speak because your words will reveal your heart.
5. ENDURE
Finally, Joseph endured in his forgiveness (OHP). He persevered in his kindness by bringing comfort to his brothers by his deeds as well as his words. When someone hurts us and we forgive them, that forgiveness must continue.
Joseph showed that his love for his brothers was not superficial, but an enduring love. He told them,
“I will provide for you and your children. And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them” (v12)
This is a repeat of a promise that Joseph had made to his brothers earlier (45:11). So Joseph reassured his brothers by his deeds as well as his words. His attitude toward his brothers was not changed by their offence against him. Now isn’t that something? I wonder if the same could be said of us?
By following through Joseph was able to comfort his brothers – so in their hearts they could never question his forgiveness.
This kind of enduring love reminds us of what Jesus said when Peter asked,
“Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” [and] Jesus answered, “I tell you not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22)
The general consensus among Jewish teachers at the time was that a brother should be forgiven a repeated sin three times. They agreed that on the fourth occasion, there should be no forgiveness. So Peter, thinks he is being more than generous, by volunteering "seven times" in answer to his own question.
But Jesus’ response shows that forgiveness cannot possibly be limited – especially among Christians -because, they have been forgiven far more than they will ever forgive.
A man who was telling his friend about an argument he had had with his wife said, “I hate it because every time we argue she gets historical.” “You mean hysterical,” his friend corrected him. “No,” said the man, “I mean historical, she keeps bringing up the past.”
When we receive and apology from someone who has hurt us the only thing we need to bring from the past is the God honoring promises we’ve made.
And we see this in Joseph’s life. In the closing chapters of Genesis there is no hint that Joseph ever reneged on his word. In fact what we do see are his brothers right there at the side of his deathbed – and he’s still speaking words of comfort to them (Gen 50:24). Remember these same brothers threw Joseph down a well, sold him to slave traders and then gave him up for dead – that’s how much they once hated him. Now here they are, reunited and at peace with one another. What a difference it can make in a family when just one will live according to God’s standard and endure in their forgiveness!
And Christ’s forgiveness is like that – it’ for every one and it endures forever.
AC 10:43 All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."
No matter how far we have moved – no matter how much we think we may have offended him, his forgiveness endures forever.
Did you notice the first letter of each of these points spells GRACE? That’s what we have been talking about this morning.
JUSTICE is getting what we do deserve.
MERCY is not getting what we do deserve.
But GRACE is getting what we do not deserve.
When people hurt us and then seek our forgiveness – we must treat them with grace, because this is the way God has treated us.
In addition to that, when we receive an apology like Joseph did we will reveal something of what Christ is like – and isn’t that what we live for - so that our children, our colleagues, our mates and others might see Christ?
Jesus said, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven (Lk 6:37).”
May you sek his help in that.
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