INTRO: In way of summary, last week we witnessed Solomon and Shulamith’s first conflict.
1. We learned that when you’re hurt in a relationship — you don’t react (you don’t re-enact what they’ve done to you.)
2. When you are hurt in a relationship — you respond to God. You keep your focus on Him and his standards.
3. When you are hurt in a relationship — you allow God to take care of it. Don’t take matters into your own hands.
TITLE: The Art of Conflict — Part II
TEXT: Song of Songs 5:10-16
I. The 4th Thing You do when Hurt by Your Spouse — control your attitude.
A. The marital conflict arose — Solomon wanted to spend the night with her after a long day of affairs running the nation.
1. Joseph Dillow — "The solution to their differences involved assuming personal responsibility for the error rather than focusing on the other’s error.
THOUGHT: What good is accomplished when you continually resent your mate for his or her shortcomings.
-When you stand before God, he is not going to ask how your mate treated you, but he will hold you accountable in how faithful you were in your behavior.
B. The Question v. 9 — "How is your beloved better than others?"
1. The question is designed to lead Shulamith to focus on her husband’s many good points.
-How many times do we get into a tiff and all our human nature wants to do is focus on their bad qualities, and before long we can’t think of one good quality that they have.
2. Look at v. 10-16 — She is focusing on Solomon’s good qualities.
-V. 10 — My lover is radiant and ruddy. Radiant has the idea to be handsome.
-V. 11 — His head is pure gold, meaning he has divine leadership of her. He is pure. -Hair is wavy and black. Idea: there is no gray. He is strong.
-V. 12 — Eyes like a dove, gentleness.
Water and milk: idea of blessing.
Mounted like jewels (tabernacle) giving the idea of his eyes never change. They don’t narrow or widen with anger.
-These are eyes that never change; they are consistent.
-V. 13 – His cheeks are beds of spices (idea: she wants to draw close to him).
-His lips like lilies dripping with myrrh. Poetic for Solomon is full of forgiveness, tenderness. -V. 14 – Arms are rods of gold, idea of just the right touch. His body is like polished ivory.
-Hebrew idea here is: the belly is the seat of the emotions. In other words, his emotions are even keel.
-V. 15 – Legs are pillars of marble; the concept Solomon is strong, steadfast, and immoveable. -V. 16 – His mouth is sweetness. Idea: she wants to kiss him, according to Tommy Nelson.
3. Why does she want to kiss him, because he is some beautiful hunk of a man? No. It’s because his arms, eyes, his cheeks, legs, body represent tenderness, love, and kindness.
POINT: Friends, do you see how important it is to control your attitude, to have a positive concept of those who hurt you [think on their positive traits].
II. The 5th Thing You Do When Hurt by Your Spouse is – communicate.
A. Question – where has your lover gone?
1. There are few things as painful – as being abandoned by your spouse.
-The concept of marriage where you become one not only physically and emotionally and then, all of a sudden, to be abandoned is a terrible thing.
2. Shulamith was not abandoned. She knew right where Solomon was. Verse 2 "my lover has gone down to his garden."
TS: She not only knew where he was –
3. She knew who he was – Verse 3 – I am my lover’s and my lover is mine.
Idea: he is like a shepherd who takes care of her. He protects her; he cares for her. He watches over her.
THOUGHT: Now remember they are coming out of a fight and this is how she feels. One reason is because of good communication.
B. How do you communicate? Four major problems in marriage – Tommy Nelson lists them in this order:
1. Communication – if you can’t communicate, you cannot understand the other person.
2. Money – It puts undo tension in the home if both aren’t on the same wavelength.
3. Sex – If sex is unfulfilling in the marriage, there is a danger to go elsewhere.
4. In-laws – You’ve heard of all the in-law jokes.
Handout – Remember to give handout on How To Listen and How To Talk by Tommy Nelson III. The 6th Thing You Do When Hurt by Your Spouse is – forgive – v. 4-9 (handout)
A. Solomon is concentrating on her strengths.
1. Rather than get hung up on her imperfections and the negative qualities, Solomon follows the right thing to do.
-Tirzah was an old Canaanite city famous for its beauty and renowned as the royal residence of kings after Solomon died.
2. So as Solomon looks at her – it causes his heart to melt. Verses 6-7 are the same statements Solomon spoke to her on her wedding night.
In other words –
B. Solomon has forgiven her – to think back to the way it was, not to hold a grudge or a grievance.
1. You can’t have a marriage without forgiveness.
-Because we offend one another, we hurt one another. (Imagine we do the wrong things at the dumbest times).
2. If there is no forgiveness, then offenses, hurt, and pain build covering up the blessings that God wants to bring in your marriage.
3. Quotes:
-We pardon in the degree that we love – Francois Rochefoucauld
-It is surely better to pardon too much than to condemn too much – George Eliot
-Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying forgiveness or else forgiving another. – Jean Richter
-It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend – William Blake
-To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.
-You who are letting miserable misunderstandings run on from year to year, meaning to clear them up some day; you who are keeping wretched quarrels alive because you cannot quite make up your minds that now is the day to sacrifice your pride and kill them; you who are letting your neighbor starve—until you hear that he is dying of starvation; or letting your friend’s heart ache for a word of appreciation or sympathy, which you mean to give him some day; if you could only know and see and feel all of a sudden that time is short, how it would break the spell! How you would go instantly and do the thing, which you might never have another chance to do! - Phillips Brooks
C. You can’t be a Christian without forgiveness – Somehow we begin to rationalize, that God will make an exception in our case when we don’t forgive "wrong".
1. Luke 17:4 – "If he sins against you 7 times in a day, and 7 times comes back to you and says, I repent, forgive him."
2. Col. 3:13 – "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
IV. The 7th Thing to do When Hurt by Your Spouse is to – forget – V. 11-13 (READ)
A. Forget means I don’t bring up past sin to pound you over the head with it all over again.
1. I forget to the point that it does not affect my present or future circumstances.
-Henry Ward Beecher says it this way, "I can forgive, but I cannot forget is only another way of saying I cannot forgive."
2. Idea is: let it go.
-Psalm 103:12 – "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."
-Hebrews 10:17 – Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."
C. Tommy Nelson – In the Hebrew culture the highest accolade you could do was put someone in the king’s chariot (ultimate reconciliation).
1. In other words, when Solomon put Shulamith in his chariot over the noble people, he is acting like their fight never occurred.
2. V. 13 – When the folks call her Shulammite, they are giving her a nickname that basically means she belongs to him.
IN CONCLUSION: We’ve looked at Seven Things to do When Your Spouse Hurts You
1. You do not react – or en-enact what they’ve done.
2. You respond to God – keep your focus on Him.
3. Let God take care of it. He’ll do a better job than you.
4. Control your attitude – Focus on yourself and deal with your attitude.
5. Communicate – talk as civilized adults.
6. Forgive – so you can be released from your own prison.
7. Forget – meaning I don’t bring up the past to effect my present or future situation.
-Conflict handled the godly way will bring you closer together.
