INTRO: What is it that all couples do? In fact, some believe that up to 25% of your marriage you do this. It’s conflict.
-All couples fight. Good couples fight clean. Bad couples fight dirty. -Good couples press for a resolution. Bad couples press for a victory.
-When good couples fight, it exposes their character. When bad couples fight, it exposes their immaturity.
Prov. 14:4 – "Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest."
-To the farmer, if you have no ox, the work (or the harvest) does not come in; therefore, there is no money.
So if you want the fields to be plowed and harvested, you need an ox. You can’t have an ox and a nice clean manger.
-Oxen stink up the barn.
In other words, with marriage comes conflict, with children comes conflict, and with Christians comes conflict. So, if you want the joy of marriage, you are going to have conflict.
Tommy Nelson says there are three stages within marriage:
1. Honeymoon – Heaven on earth.
2. Disillusionment – Is this married life?
3. Commitment – Discover your mate, warts and all, their idiosyncrasies. This is where you commit yourself to loving them in a Biblical manner.
-Friends, if you don’t have any conflict, you either have no sin nature or one is so dominant and the other is extremely passive. Marriages without some sort of conflict are unhealthy.
This morning, we are continuing our series through the Song of Solomon. Today, we will witness them fight.
TITLE: The Art of Conflict TEXT: Song of Songs 5:2-8
I. Setting: Solomon is now married. He’s coming home from a hard day’s work, and he’s looking for some attention and affection.
-In those days they slept in separate rooms, so he’s out there knocking on the door.
A. Solomon needs her. He needs her physically, emotionally. He longs to be with his wife.
1. The most special thing to a male is to have intimacy with his wife. (This is one of the greatest joys to a male).
-Solomon’s coming home from busy affairs of state.
B. Shulamith is in bed sleeping – text gives us the idea that it was a restless night.
1. She was tossing and turning – text gives us the idea that she was having some difficulty adjusting to married life (longing for her home, a king who is away dealing with the affairs of the nation.)
2. Solomon knocks and asks her to open the door so he can come in.
3. She declines – v. 3 (READ) Modern-day language: "I’ve got a headache." -Joseph Dillow writes: Two reasons she’s not interested:
a. She’s saying something like, "Solomon, can’t it wait, can’t you see I’m in bed."
b. She gets religious, "I have washed my feet. How can I dirty them again? The soiling of the feet was counted as a symbol of moral contamination, from the petty transgressions of everyday life."
4. Mistake that was made – according to Tommy Nelson – "Shulamith basically is saying, "I don’t care how hard you’ve worked. I’m not getting out of bed." Idea: "I’m more important than you."
TS: The fight was on. Today, I’ll try to teach you how to fight within your marriage the correct way.
II. The First Thing You Do When Your Mate Hurts You – You Do Not React
A. You do not re-enact what your mate did – Just because she did it does not mean you have to do it.
1. Men, what would you do if you were the king? Would you take the attitude: "I rescued you. You were nothing more than a slave. (You were ashamed of your appearance). Look what I’ve done for
you. ,,
2. Notice, men, what Solomon did. He did not go in. He does not press it. (He merely put his hand to the door, and found it locked.)
3. Verse 5 – What did he do to the very thing that barred him from his wife? -He put liquid myrrh on it. In other words, in the Hebrew culture, it was a calling card. -It was a valentine. (It means, "I love you")
B. Solomon did not react – to the rejection of the situation.
1. Apostle Paul put it this way – I Thess. 5:15 "make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else."
Illustrate: The story of Joseph’s brothers, sold him off into slavery; and then they finally get reunited. Many years pass, Joseph’s father dies. Brothers afraid Joseph is going to punish them. Joseph responds – Gen. 50:19 – "Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God?"
-Meaning: it’s not my obligation to mirror the actions of other people. My standard is God. I don’t have to reciprocate what others do.
2. You’ve heard it said, "Two wrongs don’t make a right."
-You don’t have to respond how your mate responds.
Ex...Don’t get into a tennis match where you are rallying back and forth to win the point.
-Friends, you may feel right, but be very careful that you don’t do God’s job. (He’ll do it much better. He’ll fix the situation).
C. Improper ways to react in tough situations:
1. Hot – A hot reaction means that I return in kind or I even escalate the battle.
-In this situation, nothing good can come. Destruction takes place. (House is ridden with strife. The kids are counting down the days to leave).
2. Cold – A cold reaction is a passive-aggressive. You don’t have outward conflict (like a hot reaction)
-But you turn on the ice (gets real cool). You ignore, surface level talk, if you talk at all.
a. The tension in the home is still there. You’re walking around on eggshells. -Damage is still taking place.
b. You push buttons subtly; (but, you know by doing this, it’s provoking the other person). Summary: When your spouse injures you, what do you do?
-You don’t react. (You don’t re-enact the hurt).
II. Second Thing You Do When Your Mate Hurts You – You Respond To God
A. Solomon responded the way God would have – He blessed her or loved her when he was rejected.
1. Putting myrrh on the handle – he was blessing her rather than cursing her. (He was using God’s standards and not man’s).
Illustrate: Jesus, when he was mocked, beaten or being tortured to death said, "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing."
2. God’s standards or the way he designed us to live as husband and wife.
a. Eph. 5:23 – "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."
-Nowhere is a man’s love based on what she does or how she treats him.
-He is still to love her like Christ loved the church.
b. Eph. 5:22, 33, - Wives submit to your husband and respect him.
-Nowhere does it say, "Well, submit and respect him only if he deserves it."
3. This is using the king’s standard – who is the author and perfector of life. B. God’s standard is the right way, any other way you take is wrong.
1. Even if you have the appearance of success, it’s still wrong.
Ex...Like a child who cheats on a test even though he got a good grade on that test (short-term success).
-Inevitably will lead to problems later (whether it’s in the area of character, morality, simply the area of lack of knowledge in area cheated on).
POINT: Husbands and wives, if you don’t use the standard God has set up, your marriage will never become what God intended it to be.
Q: Well what happens, Pastor, when I’m wronged? Who is going to help me out if I don’t stand up for myself?
III. Third Thing You Do When Your Mate Hurts You – You let God take care of it – v. 6-7.
A. The watchman – when Shulamith was in fellowship with God, things flowed her way.
1. In Chapter 3:2-3 when she was looking for her beloved the watchman found her and helped her.
2. In Chapter 5:7 the watchman beat her and bruised her.
-Poetic language of the Lord disciplining her because she was acting selfishly, barring her husband from her room and not allowing him in to converse.
B. Let God change your spouse
-Men, you are to love your wife and let God change her.
-Ladies, you are to respect your husband and let God change him.
1. Whenever you try to change your mate – you go down the path of manipulation, game-playing. ("I’ll do this, if you do that").
2. Things never turn out quite the way you plan when you take matters into your own hands.
Ex...Dobson story of a couple being in a fight. Before work wife asks husband to zip her dress (zipped it harshly) made her mad.
Come home from work, noticed husband was underneath car, legs sticking out so she reached down and zipped his zipper on his pants up and down and then stormed in the house.
To her surprise, her husband was standing in the kitchen. She asked who was under the car. Neighbor came over to help. So they went out and found him unconscious under the car. When she reached down to unzip his zipper, he sat up knocking himself out.
POINT: When we try to change our mate, it does not work out the way we expected.
IN CONCLUSION: Three things you do when you’re fighting with your mate:
1. You do not react – or re-enact what your spouse had done to you.
2. You respond to God – focus on Him.
3. You let God take care of it.
