The Bible, God’s inspired and authoritative Word, has a great deal to say about parenting, the home, and children. For a sampling, compare the following:
(1) Psalm 128:1-4 teaches us that children are gifts and rewards from the sovereign hand of God; they are blessings and trusts from God. But Psalm 127:3 5 warns that for this to be a reality, parents must allow the Lord to build the house (the home) which includes the training of our children.
(2) Proverbs tells us to train up our children in the way they should go (Prov. 22:6). This means getting children to go in the right direction.
(3) The Bible also teaches that parents are to bring up their children (nourish them) in the discipline (training) and instruction (admonition) of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). God trains children in His ways through the parents.
(4) Fathers, therefore, are to have their children under control with all dignity (1 Tim. 3:4). Why? Because children are born without controls.
God gives this authority to parents, but parents are ultimately accountable to God in both the responsibility for discipline and for the manner and method of discipline. This fact is evident from what we learn in Ephesians 6:4.
Ephesians 6:4 has two words which describe the responsibilities and the methods that are important in the nurture of children. “Discipline” (NASB) or “training” (NIV) is the Greek paideia from pais, “child.” According to the use of this word there are two ideas in biblical discipline: (a) instruction or education and (b) correction or discipline as with the rod or some form of corrective control. This is particularly applicable to the smaller child. “Instruction” is the Greek nouqesia from nous, “mind” and tiqhmi, “to put, place.” According to the use of this word, it involves the ideas of reasoning, counsel, warning, and gentle or friendly reproof.
The Principle of Authority
The Right of Authority
As the sovereign Creator of the universe and the One who has established the divine institution of marriage and the home, God has placed children under the authority of their parents. This is more than evident in Scripture by the fact that over and over God addresses parents and gives them the responsibility for the training of their children, not the state (cf. Deut. 6:7-9; Eph. 6:1; Col. 3:20). Parental authority, then, is a delegated authority which means parents are not free to do with their children as they please. Ultimately, the authority we exercise as parents is God’s authority. Children are stewardships from God, blessings He has given to parents to manage for Him. In our goal to teach them to obey as an obedience to God, it means parenting is designed by God to bring about a changing of parents (Eph. 6:1f).
As parents, then, we are to be in a subordinate relationship to God; we are to exercise only the authority God has given us and do so in accordance with His standards. We are never to arbitrarily establish what is right and wrong by our opinions or those of society unless those standards are based on God’s Word. The parent’s job is to declare what God’s Word says is right and wrong and then seek to promote that in their own lives and in their children’s lives. When this is not the case, the parents are acting in rebellion themselves and ruining, by negative example, the stewardship God has entrust¬ed to their care. This naturally leads to our next point.
The Meaning of Authority
Authority means the delegated right to rule or lead. It means the power to act, decide, command, and judge; it is the right to set policy and this means the responsibility to bring about controls in our children’s lives within the limits of the authority given by God. God has absolute and complete authority and the right of complete control because of who He is as the sovereign Creator (Ps. 47:2; 103:19; 115:3; Dan. 4:34b; Rom. 9:20b-21). There is an important lesson here. Even God’s authority and control is never arbitrary because it is based on His perfect righteousness and goodness; it is always for the good and blessing of people. For instance, the commandments of God’s Word are not designed to take away our fun and make life miserable. Rather, they are designed to bring safeguards that enhance our capacity for blessing. This is so because of the very character of God who is perfect holiness. This includes God’s perfect righteousness and justice. Inherent in all of this is God’s goodness as our loving Benefactor.
The Principle of Control
The Problem of Rebellion
Why do parents need controls? Controls are needed because of the immaturity and foolishness of children, but also because of the natural tendency for rebellion. Because of the fall and man’s sinful condition, rebellion is inherent in all of us. In fact, the words rebel, rebellion, rebellious, etc. occur 170 times in the NIV, 131 in the NASB, and a 143 in the NRSV translations. Before we look at a few princi¬ples regarding rebellion, control, and au¬thority, let’s note a few verses on this issue:
Proverbs 29:15 reads, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way (left to himself without controls) brings shame to his mother.” Why? Because in his or her rebellion, the child behaves in such a way that it reflects on a parent’s lack of ability or commitment to discipline, to bring controls into the child’s life. 1 Samuel 15:23 reads, “For rebellion is as the sin of divination, And insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry.” With the problem of rebellion and the need of godly control in mind, one of the qualifications of an elder is that he must be “one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity” (1 Tim. 3:4).
Related to the problem of rebellion and disobedience is, of course, the fact of Satan, the rebel of rebels, and man’s sin. Controls are needed because of the problem of rebellion that is inherent within sinful man through the fall (Gen. 5:3; Rom. 5:12). If there was no rebellion, there would be no need to exercise con¬trols. But rebellion is a fact of life. Children are born naturally rebellious and they get that from their parents (Ps. 51:5; 58:3; Prov. 29:15).
God has established institutions of authority (chains of command) such as government and the home for the protection of society. These institutions are designed to exercise God’s authority within certain boundaries or defined limits in order to restrain the natural tendency in man to exploit and harm others (Rom. 13:1f; Eph. 5:22f; 6:1f; Heb. 13:7, 17). The purpose of this authority is to bring control as a hindrance to open rebellion. These limits include: (a) those who are under a particular authority, and (b) the extent and manner in which they are to exercise this authority.
Our authority as a parent is God’s way of protecting children; it is part of His umbrella.
Naturally, Satan, the first and chief rebel, is against God’s plan and author¬ity and constantly attacks these institutions to create rebellion. It is significant that the serpent (Satan in disguise) approached Eve, not Adam to whom God had given the responsibility of leadership. This is evident by the fact Adam was created first and by the fact Eve was uniquely (in contrast to the male and female animals) created from him (cf. 1 Tim. 2:13; 1 Cor. 11:8ff). After Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit, the first reason God gave to Adam for the judgments that would follow was his passivity as the constituted leader. Adam had listened to his wife. This was a breakdown in the chain of leadership. Satan works incessantly to cause a misuse of authori¬ty (domination, tyranny) and to cause rebellion even when there is godly and loving leadership in all institutions of author¬ity.
So what is control? It is the power or ability to regulate or guide. It means to hold back, to res¬train, curb, or corral. But the goal should always be to promote happy obedience in place of rebellion.
The Relationship
of Authority and Control
We can get a better handle on the issues if we look at the relationship between authority and control.
(1) Authority means the responsibility and right to direct and cause another to follow directions. This means the responsibility and right, as necessary, to exercise power to control, re¬strain, curb, or corral, i.e., the power to use one’s authority to bring about pressure to restrain someone from going off course to the left or the right or from running unrestrained as mentioned in Proverbs 29:15.
(2) Authority means the responsibility and right to establish standards that become the measure or the tests for bringing about con¬trols. As authorized by God, parents have the responsibility for developing controls in children who are born without controls and who are inherently rebellious, going astray from birth (Prov. 29:15; Ps. 58:3). As mentioned, a baby’s need of diapers provides a good illustration. Babies must have external controls (diapers) until internal controls can be developed (toilet training). When parents fail to control and then train their children in the various areas of life, it is comparable to failure to use diapers and to never toilet train their child. Would you want to face the consequences of an undiapered, untoilet-trained child in your home? Of course not! But in many other ways, parents fail to establish controls which have their own detrimental consequences to other family members, to the children themselves, and to others in society. In essence, the problems we have in our schools is really a parental problem.
The Principle of Nurture
(Training Your Child)
Definition of Nurture
Nurture refers to that environ¬ment in which children are to be raised and that brings together, like a corral gate, all the sides and ingredients for the training corral.
In Ephesians 6:4, the words, “bring up,” are from the Greek word ektrefw which means, “to nurture, nourish, provide for with care that nourishes, feeds, or trains.” In other words we are to provide the kind of care that will promote healthy growth and develop¬ment. Of course, the context is dealing with spiritual and moral develop¬ment that flows out of a right relationship with God, walking under God’s control, but it is the fruit of the loving care of godly parents.
Expectations of Nurture
When we provide the right kind of nurture, when we use God’s training corral, we can and should expect both happy and obedient children. Many parents would settle for simply obedience, but happy obedience should be the goal. Happy obedience is not too much to expect. Note the verses above such as Psalm 100:2, “serve the Lord with gladness,” and Colossians, “joyously giving thanks to the Father.”
Because the disobedience of little children can be cute (at least to their parents and grandparents) the tendency is to laugh and say, “Isn’t she cute?” or “Isn’t he a mess?” But when we do this (and I find this an even greater temptation now that I am eight times a grandparent), we are helping to reinforce disobedience. Parents need to raise their level of expectation to the point they demand and expect obedience but with a happy face.
God wants children to be happy. Happiness is part of the blessing God wants for our children. God also wants children to be obedient. This is God’s order and plan, and it’s important to realize that disobedient children are never truly happy. These two things go together. Happy obedience includes both happy attitudes and obedient actions.
The Elements of Nurture
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Ephesians 6:4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up (nourish them) in the discipline (training, nurture) and instruction of the Lord.
What kind of nurture or training provides those ingredients that, when properly brought together act like a corral to con¬tain, control, and train children so they joyfully obey? Scripture promises and teaches that children can be a blessing. Parents do not have to wait in anxious concern and fear in anticipation of those ‘horrible teenage years.’ But neither can they wait until those teenage years to apply the principles of the training corral. So what are the biblical ingredients that make up God’s training corral? Though each will be discussed in the material that follows, God’s training corral contains five necessary sides: love (the all-important context), instruction (the vital content), dedication (of parent and child), discipline (in words and actions), and example (parental reality).
Let’s note a few key verses:
(1) Proverbs 29:17 Correct your son, and he will give you comfort, He will also delight your soul.
“Correct” is the Hebrew yasar, which means “to admonish, discipline, instruct.” It is correction in the form of admonishment, discipline, or instruction that results in education, true understanding. As used in the Old Testament, this word spoke of chastening, correcting, instructing, and providing all that is necessary for the training of children. But all of these ideas are to be expressions of interpersonal relationships of love and caring. This word is used of God’s loving care with Israel and of a father with a son (cf. Deut. 8:1-5). The general promise God gives for correcting a child is comfort, rest, and delight. To “correct” is to apply the training corral.
(2) Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death.
A better translation is “because there is hope” or “confident expectation.” Compare Job 11:18 and 14:7 where we have the very same construc¬tion, but where it is translated, “because there is hope.”
“There is” in the Hebrew refers to the idea of absolute existence. God is telling us this is an absolute of God’s Word to be believed and applied. This is a promise, not merely a warning.
“And do not desire his death” is literally “but unto his death do not lift up your soul.” With this second clause, we have a slight problem of inter¬pretation. There are two possible views: (a) It provides a warning against improper discipline, such as discipline out of revenge, impatience, or uncontrolled anger. In this case we would translate it, “but do not be carried away (i.e., in your discipline) unto his death.” Or, (b) the second clause provides a warning against the consequences of leniency. Derek Kidner, in his commentary on Proverbs, titles this verse “deadly leniency.” By their translations, the ASV, KJV, NIV, NASB, and other versions seem to understand this second clause in this way, though NASB could be taken in the sense of the first interpreta¬tion. “To lift up the soul” is a Hebrew idiom that means, “to will or desire something, to set one’s heart or volition on some¬thing.” (The NIV “do not be a willing party to his death.” NASB “do not desire his death”.)
The second clause provides a contrast to the first. To neglect discipline because of a lack of confidence in God’s methods, or because of the pain the child’s crying brings, or because of the parent’s laziness, or sentimentality, or whatever, is in essence to desire the child’s death. Far better should the child cry under loving and healthy correction than the parents should cry under the bitter fruit of a failure to discipline (cf. Prov. 23:13-14).
(3) Ephesians 6:4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
“Discipline” refers broadly to the whole process of training, but par¬ticularly in the form of discipline. “Instruction” is a word which literally means to put sense in the mind. It refers to encouragement by words and assurances if that is needed or to admonishment if that is needed.
(4) Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
In this one little verse there is a command to obey, “train up,” and a promise to claim, “and when he is old (mature) he will not depart from it.” In this we have both God’s charge and His promise to every parent. Parents need to know what this means and believe and trust in its methods. The issue, of course, is knowing what the verse says and fulfilling the command. May I suggest that this verse means far more than what immediately meets the eye and nothing at all of what most think. The verse is not talking about mere forced parental conformity. It is not saying, send your children to Sunday school or have them memorize the Ten Commandments and everything will work out. It goes much deeper than that.
The word “train” is the Hebrew chanak which, according to its usage in ancient times, had four important ideas that are instructive for understanding and illustrating God’s training corral. Obviously, the context must determine how chanak is being used in any given context, but the various uses do provide some striking suggestions and illustrations of what is involved in training.
1. First, chanak could mean “to dedicate.” It was used four other times in the Old Testament and in each case the primary idea is to inaugurate something through a service of dedication which usually involved sacrifice (Deut. 20:5 [twice], 1 Kings 8:63; and 2 Chron. 7:5). More will be said on this below under the aspect of a parent’s dedication to raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
2. Second, another idea in chanak is “to throttle, make narrow, or discipline.” In Arabic, a sister language, this word was used of a rope in a horse’s mouth, like a bit in a bridal to make the animal submissive and bring it under control. This certainly illustrates how training includes the use of discipline, the application of external controls, in order to bring a child under control, which ultimately means God’s control.
3. Third, another idea in chanak is of that of “instruction.” How does it get this meaning? In its most fundamental meaning it meant “to initiate, start,” or “introduce someone to something or to someone.” From that it came to have the idea of “to train” because in instruction, we are introducing our children to God and to His Word and starting them in God’s path or way of life.
4. Fourth, another idea in chanak is to “initiate, create an appetite.” This source was from outside the Old Testament, but at least by way of illustration it has application to the process of training. The word actually meant, “palate, roof of the mouth.” Related to the basic idea of initiation was its later use in Arabic of the action of a midwife who would rub the palate of a newborn with olive oil or the oil of crushed dates in order to give a taste, to create an appetite and get the baby to suckle. Certainly, one of the necessary ingredients in training children is that of giving children a taste of the reality of God by the model or example of the parent. We can’t expect our children to be real with God if we are phonies. They pick up on our attitudes and patterns whether we like it or not. What we are is vital, indeed, even determinative to what they become.
