All of us experience losses throughout our lives. We have family members and friends who die. Sometimes we lose jobs. Or we can lose material possessions or our health. Sometimes we lose a relationship that’s important to us because of a conflict or because someone moves away. Those kinds of losses are a part of life and usually we can’t control them. But we can determine how we respond to them. And how we respond to the losses in our lives will determine whether God can use them to mature us and make us more like Jesus or whether those losses will devastate us and drive us away from God.
This morning we’re going to see how David dealt with loss in his life and see if we can’t discover some principles that will help us make the most of our losses. In 1 Samuel 31, the Bible records that Saul and his 3 sons, including Jonathan are killed in battle with the Philistines. Then, at the beginning of 2 Samuel 1, an Amalekite man appears before David with Saul’s crown and armband, claiming that he had killed the wounded Saul at Saul’s request. David and his men immediately begin the process of mourning for Saul and Jonathan, and then David has the Amalekite man killed for striking down the Lord’s anointed. That brings us to 2 Samuel 1:17 and David’s lament for Saul and Jonathan.
Read 2 Samuel 1:17-27
This lament represents a pivotal point in David’s life. Eugene Peterson refers to it as a “bridge from life to death to life.” David had been anointed king probably 10-15 years prior to this event and he had spent a good part of that time running from Saul, who was trying to kill him. But now that Saul is dead, this lament becomes an essential transition from that part of his life to his reign as the king of Israel.
Most of us today aren’t real familiar with the process of lament. We don’t even use that word much today. But in the Bible, the concept of lament was very important. About seventy percent of the Psalms, many of them written by David, are classified as laments. And the prophet Jeremiah wrote a whole book of the Bible, the book of Lamentations [imagine that] as a lament. I could give you a dictionary definition of lament this morning, but I really like Eugene Peterson’s description of lament in his book Leap over the Wall:
…making the most of our loss without getting bogged down in it…
That seems to be a pretty good description of what David does with his lament.
Perhaps one of the reasons we have such a hard time with this concept of lament or grieving is that our culture has a tendency to trivialize human life. All you have to do is turn on the news. It really doesn’t matter whether you’re watching one of the networks or one of the cable news outlets like CNN or Fox. Disaster is reported endlessly. In fact, it seems that the best way to get noticed in our culture is to do something bad. The worse the act, the more notoriety one receives. Eugene Peterson describes the process like this:
In the wake of whatever has gone wrong or whatever wrong has been done, commentators gossip, reporters interview, editors pontificate, Pharisees moralize; then psychological analyses are conducted, political reforms initiated, and academic studies funded. But there’s not one line of lament.
[Leap over a Wall, p. 116]
We hear a lot about lament, or more commonly grief, but I’m convinced that not very many of us are very good at it. So let’s see what we can learn from David’s lament. Let’s see…
HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF MY LOSSES:
In order to help me remember these six principles this morning I’ve created an acrostic that spells out the word “grieve.” I tried to come up with wording that could form an acrostic for “lament”, but I just couldn’t figure out anything that would work and that wasn’t utter nonsense. So this morning, let’s see what we can learn about how to grieve.
Grant that a loss has occurred
Here’s where a lot of us get in trouble right off the bat. One of the defense mechanisms that many of us have learned to use in order to deal with loss is to either avoid or deny the loss or minimize its significance. We convince ourselves that the loss isn’t real or that it’s no big deal. The problem with that kind of response it that it doesn’t allow us to go through the grieving process, it doesn’t allow us to lament.
As men, we tend to be more prone to this type of approach than women. We’ve been taught to be “macho”, not to express our feelings, so one of the easiest ways to deal with loss is to just avoid or minimize the loss. But the results of that kind of approach are devastating. There have been numerous studies that show the correlation between avoidance and denial of our losses and addiction and depression.
But David takes a much healthier approach to the loss of Saul and Jonathan. The very first thing he does is to tear his clothes and begin the grieving process right in front of all his men. Frankly, I’m surprised at how well David was able to do that. He’s been waiting for 10-15 years to become king and now that Saul is dead, his wait is over. From a personal standpoint, Saul’s death was a great gain for David. But rather than focusing on how Saul’s death was going to benefit him, David realized the need for lament and grief. Acknowledging his loss enabled David to move on with the grieving process.
Refuse to dwell on past hurts
I’m also amazed that David was able to mourn for Saul at all. After all, this guy had been chasing him around for years, trying to kill him. But David laments Saul’s death just as much as the death of his best friend, Jonathan. David was able to do that because he was able to refuse to dwell on the past hurts that Saul had committed against David.
Because we live in a world full of sinful human beings, others are going to hurt us, sometimes unintentionally and other times very willfully. And it’s often really difficult not to dwell on those hurts.
Like some of you, Mary and I had a pretty significant amount of money invested in the Baptist Foundation of Arizona several years ago. In fact, all of my retirement savings from my previous work with two companies was invested with the Baptist Foundation when they went bankrupt in the late 1990’s. I’ll have to admit that at first I was pretty angry, especially when I found out that a group of supposedly Christian men had created what was essentially a “pyramid scheme” which put the assets of people who trusted them in great jeopardy while they were benefiting financially themselves.
Fortunately, I wasn’t like many of the other investors, many of them elderly, who depended on the income from their investments to live on. So I can understand why some of them are still very bitter about the whole scandal. But Mary and I decided very early on that we weren’t going to dwell on the hurt. After all, this was all God’s money anyway and he had every right to do with it whatever He wanted. I can’t tell you how liberating it was for us to take that kind of approach. And because we did that, God allowed us to increase our faith and dependence upon Him.
I know that there are some of you here this morning who are still harboring resentment and bitterness about some hurt in your life. Maybe someone hurt you really bad and now they have died and there is no way to resolve the hurt. Maybe someone cheated you out of money or possessions. Maybe you’ve lost your health and you’re blaming the doctors or you’re angry at God for letting you get sick. I don’t know exactly what it is in your life. But I’m pretty sure that it isn’t as bad as what David had endured, being hinted down like a wild animal for years. And I know for sure that it’s not as bad as what Jesus endured on the cross on your behalf so that God could forgive you. If I want to make the most of my losses, I need to learn to apply Paul’s words to the Colossian church:
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13 (NIV)
David refused to dwell on past hurts, but he was also able to…
Incorporate past blessings
This is how David handled his grief for Jonathan. Jonathan and David were great friends. David described the love that he and Jonathan shared as being even greater than the love of a woman. Unfortunately, some commentators have totally misused this one verse to try to suggest that David and Jonathan had some kind of homosexual relationship. However, neither the Hebrew wording here nor any other passage in the Bible suggests any kind of physical relationship between David and Jonathan. David is merely expressing his appreciation for Jonathan’s loyalty, which exceeded even that that a woman would have for her family.
When we experience a loss in our lives, one of the ways that we make the most of the loss is to reflect back upon the blessings that have come into our lives that are related to that loss. We especially do that at funerals. When we go to a funeral, we hear people who reflect back upon the good things in a person’s life and how they had a positive impact on the lives of others. That’s an important part of the grieving process.
Unfortunately, some of us don’t quite know how to do that. I read this week about a husband and wife who stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
No matter what kind of loss we suffer, there is almost always some kind of blessing related to that loss. When we lose a relationship, we can choose to reflect back upon the good times in that relationship. When we lose a possession we can focus on the blessings we received while God allowed us to have the use of that particular item. When we lose our health, we can rejoice in those friends and family that go through that time with us.
Express my grief with others
One of the things that strikes me about this passage is just how public David’s grief was. Not only did David express his grief very publicly, but he invited others to join him in this process. In fact, David ordered that his lament be taught to the men of Judah and that it be written down in the Book of Jashar. By the way, there is one other reference to the Book of Jashar in Joshua 10:13. We don’t have any copies of this book today, but apparently it was some kind of written record that would have made it easier for David’s lament to be passed on to others.
One of the mistakes that we often make when dealing with our losses is that we withdraw and try to handle the grief on our own. But again, the evidence is that withdrawal is a very unhealthy way to deal with our losses. There are many studies that indicate one of the most common effects of withdrawal is depression.
It seems to me that one of the reasons that God intends for lament to take place within the community of believers is that we have the kind of encouragement and support that we need to deal with our loss and then be able to move on with our lives. Unfortunately, my experience as a pastor is that people are often reluctant to share their losses and hurts with others. I don’t know how many times that I only find about some loss in a person’s life, months, and sometimes even years, later, because that person didn’t want to share with others about his or her loss. I’m not sure why that is, but it seems to me that the root cause has to be some form of pride. We’re afraid to admit that we’ve suffered a loss or that we’re hurting because we’re afraid of what other people might think of us. They might look at us as weak and vulnerable. Again, that’s especially a problem for us as men.
I think of all the “one another” verses in the New Testament. Almost every one of those can apply to those who are hurting because of a loss:
• Love one another
• Serve on another
• Bear with one another
• Be kind and compassionate to one another
• Forgive one another
• Encourage one another and build each other up
• Spur one another on to love and good deeds
But we can only reap the benefits of that kind of encouragement and help if we choose to experience our lament in community with others.
Visualize how God is working through my loss
David didn’t view the deaths of Saul and Jonathan as the end – it was only part of the process of God working through their lives. I think that’s what enabled David to forgive Saul and not focus on Saul’s hate. Instead David chose to focus on God’s sovereignty and grace working through Saul’s life. David also recognized that these deaths were a part of the way God was working in his life, too. That becomes even more apparent in the following chapters.
So many times when we suffer a loss, the first question we want to ask is “Why, God?” “Why did my husband die?” “Why did I lose my job?” “Why did that person cheat me out of all that money?” “Why did I get cancer?” But I’m convinced from my understanding of the Bible that the question God wants us to ask is not “Why?”, but rather “What?” or “How?” “What do you want to do in my life as a result of this loss, God?” “How do you want to work in my life through this loss, God?”
In James 1, James commands us to respond to the trials in our lives with joy. And I believe that verse 5 is the key to being able to do that:
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5 (NIV)
Unfortunately, it seems like this verse is taken out of context and used as just a general principle to pray to God for wisdom in our lives. Certainly we ought to do that. But we need to remember that this verse is written in the context of responding to the trials in our lives with joy. I think that’s why we need to ask God “What?” and “How?” in our losses. We need the wisdom to see how God is working in our lives through those losses.
God has promised that He will work through our losses to bring good out of them:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 (NIV)
Can God bring good into our lives through our losses? Well, if I’m reading this verse correctly it says “all things” and it seems to me that must include our losses. So when I suffer a loss, I need to visualize where God is at work through that loss.
Engage in life as soon as possible
It’s certainly appropriate to take some time out to grieve whenever we suffer a loss. David and the rest of the people did that with Saul and Jonathan’s death. But there is a tendency many times to withdraw and grieve so long that we fail to go on with life.
I was reading this week about Paul Laurence Dunbar. Dunbar came to prominence because he was one of the first African-American poets to gain national recognition in the United States in the late 1800’s. His home is open to the public in Dayton, Ohio. When Dunbar died, his mother left his room exactly as it was on the day of his death. At the desk of this brilliant man was his final poem, handwritten on a pad. After his mother died, her friends discovered that Paul Laurence Dunbar’s last poem was gone. Because his mother had made his room into a shrine and not moved anything, the sun had bleached the ink in which the poem was written until it was invisible. Because his mother had refused to go on with life, the poem was lost forever.
2 Samuel 2 begins with these words:
In the course of time, David…
We don’t know exactly how long it took, but after an appropriate amount of time to grieve, David got on with his life and began the process of becoming the king of Israel.
I can’t give you some kind of chart that tells you how long to grieve before you get on with life after a loss. The time frame depends a lot on the magnitude of the loss. I know that it takes a lot longer to move on with life after the death of a spouse that the loss of some material possession, for instance. But a healthy grieving process requires that there is a point that I have to get on with my life after a loss.
I’m convinced that there are some of you her today that have never really resumed a normal life after some loss in your life, even a loss that occurred years, or even decades ago. It’s time to put away the bitterness, to quit withdrawing and to begin living to the fullest again.
This week, I want to encourage you to think about the recent losses in your life and then to evaluate whether you’ve taken these six steps in order to make the most out of your losses:
Grant that a loss has occurred
Refuse to dwell on past hurts
Incorporate past blessings
Express my grief with others
Visualize how God is working through my loss
Engage in life as soon as possible
Looking Back
1. Think about what losses I might have experienced lately – a friend or family member who died, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, the loss of something valuable, etc.
• Evaluate whether I have dealt with any of these losses in an unhealthy manner – avoidance, denial, minimizing, distraction.
• Which of the six principles do I still need to apply to my loss? Make a plan right now to complete each of the steps I have not yet taken.
Looking Ahead
1. Next week, we’ll be celebrating the Lord’s Supper together. Make sure to take some time this week to prepare by taking some time to evaluate your life and confessing any sin.
