Series: Desperate Households
Message: Desperate Parents
CenterPointe Christian Church – 12.11.05
Philip Yancey tells about an African safari he was on where he saw an old momma giraffe taking care of her offspring. Shortly after he was born, she went over & kicked her offspring, and it looked like she was really hurting her baby. Then she did it again.
Each time, the little giraffe would get up on his wobbly legs & try to walk. Still she continued kicking him. Finally, he got up pretty rapidly and ran away from her kicks.
Phil turned to his guide & asked, "Why does the mother giraffe do that?"
The guide answered, "The only defense the giraffe has is its ability to get up quickly and to out run its predator. If it can’t do that, it will soon die."
Yancey said that while it looked like it was a cruel thing, it was really the most loving thing the mother could do for her offspring.
Sometimes, discipline of our children is the same way.
It looks very cruel but it’s a thing we must do.
It was BILLY GRAHAM who said: “Children will invariably talk, eat, walk, think, respond, and act like their parents. Give them a target to shoot at. Give them a goal to work toward. Give them a pattern that they can see clearly, and you give them something that gold and silver cannot buy.”
We’ve been in this series called “Desperate Households” and dealing with family issues. The couple was married; we discussed the role of the husband and wife. Last week I focused on what children need from their parents: Relationship, Example and someone who will Share the Truth.
Today I want to go back to another child rearing issue. I believe we have a lot of “Desperate Parents” today because we get this issue all messed up. This issue of discipline is not easy, nor is it fun. It’s hard work.
Dorothy Law Nolte once wrote down these thoughts:
• If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
• If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.
• If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
• If a child lives with shame, she learns to feel guilty.
• If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
• If a child lives with encouragement, she learns confidence.
• If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
• If a child lives with fairness, she learns justice.
• If a child lives with security, He learns to have faith.
• If a child lives with approval, she learns to like himself.
• If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He learns to find love in the world.
And may I add my own to her writing
• If a child lives without discipline, foolishness will be his way.
• If a child is disciplined, they will know love.
Parents we have an awesome PRIVILEGE…
For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life. Proverbs 6:23 (NIV)
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 (NIV)
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. Proverbs 13:24 (NIV)
A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but discipline will drive it away. Proverbs 22:15 (NLT)
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. 14 Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. Proverbs 23:13-14 (NIV)
Every time you talk about discipline, questions arise, debates break out, and confusion reigns.
My first goal is this: I want to help you, not hammer you.
The second goal is this: I want to come alongside you, and not ever try to elevate myself above you because I am a fellow struggler. My wife and I have three children. I’m in the midst of this dilemma called discipline 24/7.
The third goal is this: I want to challenge you. I believe that parental potential is unlimited. I think it’s awesome what can occur if we get a handle on this subject matter.
So whether you’re a pre-parent, a single parent, a step-parent, grandparent, or any other kind of parent, I want to save you much struggle and pain by addressing this subject of discipline.
Let me ask you a question: Why do we discipline?
What’s the goal of discipline?
Is it my goal to raise the most . . .
• Intelligent child?
• Athletic child?
• Beautiful child?
• Well liked child?
No. The goal of discipline is simply this: to mold and to shape our children with their unique talents and abilities to reflect the nature of God. It’s to have children who mature and reflect the character of Jesus as shown in the bible.
Write this down!!!
MY GOAL AS A PARENT IS TO MOLD AND SHAPE MY CHILD TO REFLECT THE NATURE OF JESUS, USING GOD’S WORD AS MY GUIDE.
That’s it. Everything else doesn’t matter. This must be first.
How do I do this? (last week)
1. Build relationship
2. Be an example
3. Share the truth
Today: Discipline with the heart and love of God.
As parents we are to reflect the nature and character of God to our children.
• We’re to discipline because God disciplines us.
• We’re to reflect His love.
• In other words, every time I discipline my children, I’m mimicking my maker.
• God is not shy to discipline me; we should not be shy to discipline our children.
o Do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent His rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as the father the son he delights in. Proverbs 3:11-12 (NIV)
I want you to notice something. God does not punish us. Our punishment was taken on the cross by Jesus 2,000 years ago. He does discipline us. Discipline is not something we do to our children; it’s something we do for our children.
One of the most loving things we can do is to discipline our children.
Yet you’ll hear a lot of post-modern mumbo-jumbo these days imply that love is positive and discipline is negative. That’s ludicrous.
• There’s no way we can love our children compellingly unless we are the source of discipline.
• There’s no way we can discipline them effectively unless we’re the source of love.
• Love and discipline are tethered together.
• Dad & Mom, when you discipline you’re reflecting the nature and the character of God. If God does it for us—and He’s the perfect parent—then we must do it. We must do it for our children.
Think about the potential here, parents. God has given all of us who are parents our children, and we have the opportunity to love them through discipline. Not punish and condemn. If we do it effectively and strategically, we can set their course and change the world. We can change it.
How about the implementation process? How do we apply and live out discipline?
I. Clarity
None of us would think about involving ourselves in an athletic contest without boundaries and lines. It’s not going to work. We should not even enter the disciplinary concept and the disciplinary game unless we have clearly drawn the lines. We have to understand the concept of clarity.
When it comes to discipline, we’ve got to outline the playing field. Once again, when we outline the playing field, we’re simply doing what our God has done for us. The Bible is a book that outlines the playing field. It shows us how to run, where to run, what’s going to happen to us when we step out of bounds. We’ve got to do the same thing for our children.
Some parents have listed rules for her children along with the penalties that will be applied when they step out of bounds. They are so clear on their discipline that they post the list on the refrigerator.
Children want lines. They’re begging for boundaries. We need to set lines. We need to be clear with the lines. And children will test them to see what we’re going to do.
Too many of us, though, are Magna-Doodle parents. You know what a Magna-doodle is? A Magna-doodle is this deal where it has these little magnets and you can draw lines. After you have drawn lines and made shapes, you can move this little slider and the lines are gone. A lot of parents will draw lines, and then slide the bar. They’ll draw lines, and slide the bar. And they’ll draw lines, and slide it again. The lines are always in a state of flux. Kids want to know where the lines are. They want clarity, but we’re doing the Magna-doodle thing. What deserved a penalty last week is okay this week. What was wrong last year is suddenly all right now. Clarity.
II. Consistency
Let’s talk about another concept. Before I mention it, let me explain it this way—with a hypothetical situation. Referees enforce rules. That’s what they do. As we know, football is a great game to watch. Let’s say— hypothetically speaking now—let’s say Rudi Johnson is running towards the goal with the ball. He’s going to score. Right before he cuts in to cross the goal line an opposing player reaches out his hand and grabs his mask, jerks his head back and throws him to the ground. Johnson is sprawled on the turf, trying to figure out if his neck is broken. The fans are booing. They’re going crazy. And let’s just say, in this hypothetical game, that the referee, runs over to the opposing player who has grabbed Rudi, and says the following: “Son, did you grab his mask on purpose?” What if the opposing player went, “No! It was an accident!” And what if the ref goes, “Well, don’t do it again! I want you to apologize to Sean, and you guys hug. Behave now, all right?”
Several plays later, let’s say Carson Palmer is getting pounded by one of the Defensive players; he has him on the ground and keeps banging his helmet on his throwing arm. Let’s say Carson is out on the ground, in pain. Again, the referee runs up to this horrible act going on. Let’s say that the ref looks at the player while he’s pounding Carson and goes, “Look into my eyes. I’m going to count! When I hit three, let me tell you something, mister, you’re going to be in trouble! I told you we were going to Chuck E. Cheese tonight, but if you don’t stop hitting Carson. One… Okay, don’t let me get to three! Two….”
I just described to you the way many homes play the game of discipline. Football is a beautiful sport when it’s called consistently, but it’s an ugly sport when it’s called like the typical family calls discipline. It’s an ugly game. We have to have clarity.
We also have to have consistency. Our children are begging for it because, Mom or Dad or step-parent or single parent, when we’re consistent, let me show you what happens.
Consistency leads to reliability.
• Our kids go, “Whoa, I can count on Mom and Dad. When I mess up, there’s a consequence.
• From infraction to infraction, from parent to parent, they’re consistent.
• Reliability gives our children confidence, a strong self-esteem.
• That’s something money can’t buy. That something a trust fund can’t touch. That’s something an Ivy League education can’t even put a finger on.
Conversely, if we’re inconsistent, like the hypothetical game I just described, what happens?
• Children see their parents as unreliable.
• Then they’re insecure.
• They’re tentative.
• They misbehave.
• They try to control their own world, and everything suddenly becomes up for grabs.
When you are clear about expectations and then consistently enforce what you expect your children will learn to obey and follow your direction. But, more importantly, your children will learn to trust in a loving God who is clear and consistent.
Parents, you must understand that you a Jesus with skin on for your children.
If you are . . .
• Loving, they will understand a loving God
• Clear, they will understand God’s word is clear
• Consistent, they will understand our God is consistent.
III. Unity
Another one is unity. We must present—when it comes to discipline—a unified front.
Mother and Father, together on the same team.
How wonderful it is, how pleasant, for God’s people to live together in unity! Psalm 133:1 (TEV)
Here’s how a lot of discipline plays out.
The mom is often on the front lines of discipline, and she is sort of seen as “the heavy.” Then sometimes the father is seen as Mr. Cruise Director. “Well, let’s just have a great time on the cruise ship of non-discipline.”
Lets say a daughter asks her mother something and the mother says, “No.” Children—it’s amazing—learn how to play one parent against the next at a very, very young age. Let’s say the daughter runs from Mom to Dad and asks Dad the same question, and Dad says this: “What did your mother say?” Dads, here is the moment of truth. Here is where we don’t want to cave in. We support our spouse. “But, Brian, I might disagree with her or him!” We support our spouse. We watch their back. We are loyal to them. We present a unified front before the children.
Now, if you disagree with the way your spouse is handling discipline, don’t disagree in front of the kids. Wait until you’re alone and then go, “What were you thinking?”
Why is it so important to present a unified front? Because it shows your children that you are partners. It shows your children that the marriage relationship is the most important aspect of the home. The Bible unashamedly says that marriage is the most important relationship in the home.
Also, when you show unity it points your child to a God who is clear, consistent, and a God of unity not disunity.
Let me share with you “The significant seven” to help you understand how to put into practice these three must of discipline: clarity, consistency, and unity.
The Significant Seven.
1. Start Soon
2. Discipline For Motivation, Not Humiliation
3. When You Give In, No One Will Win
4. Give Proper Pay When They Disobey - The punishment must match the crime.
5. Call It Tight, And You’ll Do Them Right -- If you’re going to err, err on the side of strictness, not looseness. I’m not saying to be some militaristic-type parents. I’m not saying that. But I am saying that it’s easier to loosen the reins, to give rope, than it is to tighten the reins. A lot of parents I see are just too loose because discipline takes work.
6. Be Specific -- think of your role as a referee in a sporting match. Every player knows the rules and guidelines. Make sure your children understand the guidelines and penalties.
7. Don’t Bribe -- Boy, I’ve tried that before. Think about when it comes to eating. Make them eat or loose privileges.
Conclusion:
Think with me for a moment of Jesus.
He was very clear.
All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
He was consistent.
No one comes to the father except through me.
He was unified.
God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
God sent His son, Jesus, to bring us back to him in unity. To bring back what was separated in the beginning.
