INTRODUCTION
Opening Statement: Four-year-old Suzie had just been told the story of Snow White for the first time in her life. She could hardly wait to get home from nursery school to tell her mommy. With wide-eyed excitement, she retold the fairy tale to her mother that afternoon. After relating how Prince Charming had arrived on his beautiful white horse and kissed Snow White back to life, Suzie asked loudly: “And do you know what happened then?” “Yes,” said her mom, “they lived happily ever after.” “No,” responded Suzie, with a frown, “they got married.” Getting married and living happily ever after are not necessarily synonymous (Swindoll, Strike the Original…, 49).
Observation: Of all the photo albums accumulated by a family, the favorite has to be the wedding album. Dreamy little girls love to gaze at Mommy in her lacy, fairy-tale wedding dress. Boys like to laugh at Dad’s thick hair, sideburns, and purple velvet bow tie! In fact, if you looked at my wedding picture, you probably wouldn’t know me.
Quotations: While it is fun to look back on those times, it can also resurrect some painful experiences from our pasts. This is reflected in a couple of quotes: “Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory (A. Lincoln - known to have a very jealous wife).” "Marriage is not wrecked by a blowout but rather by a slow leak - continued negligence and inattention (J. Allan Petersen)."
Quotation: Writing about her own marriage, Erma Bombeck said that she never realized what a holding pattern she was in with her marriage until she says, “I tried to massage my husband’s neck and he said, ‘I’ll save you time. My billfold’s on the dresser.’ (Cope Book, 27).” I’d like to get you out of the holding pattern and into a great relationship.
Illustration: In his autobiography Sold Out, former Colorado football coach, Bill McCartney owned up to a lifetime of failings and foibles, especially in his marriage. "Tucked away in the folds of my life are countless episodes that coldly strip away the mystique and pretense of what some think of me," he writes. He calls himself a "highly flawed, ordinary man who has made it through only with the help of an extraordinary God."
Sold Out is presented as McCartney’s story, but the book also contains nine sections written by Lyndi. They provide a good window into McCartney’s spiritual journey, and they helped him write a book that was "closer to the truth," he says. Lyndi reveals the monumental price she paid as McCartney’s "trophy wife," a woman who for years stood on the sidelines while McCartney coached the University of Colorado’s football team to a national championship. They also help underscore what brought their never-great marriage to a crisis in 1993, when Lyndi says she found herself in "an emotional deep-freeze."
That year began in soap-opera fashion when, on New Year’s Day, Bill came clean to Lyndi about an affair he had had with another woman two decades earlier in their marriage. That confession, which the McCartneys chose not to put in the book but which was reported by the New York Times last fall, left Lyndi devastated. At the time, McCartney was at the pinnacle of his coaching career and riding high with PK involvements. In a manner typical of the way McCartney operated at the time, he confessed his adultery just moments before walking out the door to coach a Fiesta Bowl game.
In the months that followed, Lyndi’s emotional and physical health reached the breaking point. To cope, she rarely left the bedroom of their home in Boulder, Colorado. There she contemplated taking her own life. For more than seven months she vomited every day, losing 80 pounds. McCartney, busy with football and with managing the burgeoning Promise Keepers movement, remained oblivious.
While Lyndi had no intention of leaving her marriage, she says she began building "emotional siege walls" between herself and Bill. "The Lord was the only one I felt I could trust." Lyndi claims she wasn’t bothered by Bill’s lack of attention during their 30-year marriage "most of the time." And she stayed reasonably happy with her responsibilities as a mother of four "most of the time." But she also admits that they lived separate lives. As her husband soared to the pinnacle of his career, "I just felt like I was getting smaller and smaller and smaller," she recalls.
God used two events to turn McCartney around.
One was a PK rally where men were told to write down the number their wives would give their marriages if rating them on a scale of one to ten. He had to admit with embarrassment to the other men on the platform that Lyndi--the wife of the founder of Promise Keepers--would probably only give their marriage a six.
Then, in the fall of 1994, a guest speaker at the Vineyard Fellowship church the McCartneys attended in Boulder pointedly stated: "If you want to know about a man’s character, then look into the face of his wife. Whatever he has invested in or withheld from her will be reflected in her countenance." That word did to McCartney what the prophet Nathan’s story about the rich man’s stealing a poor man’s sheep did to King David. Literally turning to face his wife, McCartney saw in his wife’s haunted, empty eyes his own sinful neglect staring back at him. "Escorting my wounded wife out to the church parking lot," McCartney writes, "I began to pray about the timing of my resignation from the University of Colorado."
Question: Men, if people were to look deep into the face and eyes of your wife, what would they see? Women, if people were to look deep into the face and eyes of your husband, what would they see?
Observation: I heard an interview with the McCartney’s. In this interview, Lyndi McCartney made an especially pointed observation. She said that before there were ever universities or churches or families any other kind of institution in the Book of Genesis, God created the institution of marriage, just one man and one woman together.
Application: Men and women, this is what is important to God. This is what He cares about. He wants spouses to come in alongside one another and become teammates. The marriage relationship is the most difficult and challenging of all relationships, requiring an enormous amount of time and energy. But, it can be the most rewarding relationship that one could ever have.
Title: Secrets to A Great Marriage
Transition: Allow me to say something here about marriage and God’s will. I don’t see God’s will regarding a marital partner as one single dot. There are many people within the sphere of God’s will that would make a good marital partner for you if you’re single. However, once a person is married, that general sphere does become a dot. Your focus is to be on the one dot God has brought into your life.
Text: Ephesians 5:33
Background: In the larger context, Paul is talking about the Spirit-filled life in three common areas of human experience: marital, parental, and labor relationships. The first two areas show how families in the new community are to behave in their homes. To illustrate how high the love is to be in the marital relationship, Paul pointed to Christ and the Church. Men and women, loving your spouse like Christ loved the church means sacrificing for your spouse. It feels like death to all that you are. Our tendency is to preserve our lives. Marriage is a call to give up our lives for our spouses. Jesus gave up his life, his career, his future for you. So should we for our spouses. In Ephesians 5:33, Paul brings the reader back to the gist of his exhortation on marriage by giving a summary verse.
Observation: Your home and marriage is to be a little picture of heaven on earth with no one starving for love. This is only possible through the supernatural Spirit. Too often our homes feel like an outpost of hell with all kinds of deprivation and depravity going on.
Key Word: Some OBSERVATIONS on this verse and we’ll intermingle the secrets as we go.
Questions: There are two penetrating questions that each marital partner needs to ask as we prepare to read this verse. The wife needs to ask: Do I love my husband enough to live for him? The husband needs to ask: Do I love my wife enough to die for her?
Clarification: There’s an axiom that we have to see: It is not your love that sustains marriage, but the marriage that sustains your love (Christenson, Christian Family… 28). Romantic love is not the only basis for marriage. A firm commitment allows love to be sustained. You behave your way into feelings; you don’t feel your way into behavior.
OUTLINE
I. Generally, Paul places the bulk of the marriage load on the husband’s shoulders.
Recitation: "Nevertheless, let each individual among you…"
Explanation: Obviously, it takes two to make a good marriage. But the way Paul expresses this is that the husband should take the lead in establishing a great marriage.
Transition: Then, just in case you missed the point of his argument, Paul gets specific by giving to the husband his number one priority and to the wife her number one priority.
II. Specifically, the husbands number one job is to love and lead his own wife (not the wife of another or another woman)
Recitation: "Nevertheless, let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself…" Men tend to approach life on a logical plane. Paul knows this. He turns to the emotional when he said these words. In your logic, don’t forget to love and lead your wife.
Observation: I think some men are afraid to lead. They haven’t been trained. In some cases, a wife is just too dominating. Still, others just are too passive to care. Husbands, it’s your job to lead and you must bear some things in mind in doing so.
Application: Men, affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and family commitment are all important to your wife. The way you can crush a woman’s spirit is to invert these five things in your marriage. Never compliment her or show that you’re thinking of her; watch TV rather than take a walk with her or interact meaningfully with her; be deceptive and secretive about what you do after work and who you have lunch with; withhold monetary support and spend your money only on what you want; and go do things with your buddies more than you do things with your children and you will crush a woman’s spirit.
Suggestions: Be attentive when she talks to you. Stop what you’re doing. Look at her. Smile when you talk. Answer her questions, even little questions. Treat her as an intellectual equal.
Illustration: Tony Campolo, the Christian sociologist, shares how he was once at a very sophisticated academic gathering at the University of Pennsylvania. He said: “I didn’t want to be there, and I felt uncomfortable with the kinds of conversation that were going on. A woman colleague who taught sociology struck up a conversation with my wife and me. At one point she turned to my wife and asked, in a condescending fashion, “And what is it that you do, my dear?” My wife, who is one of the most articulate people I know, shot back, “I am socializing two Homo sapiens in the the dominant values of the Judeo-Christian tradition in order that they might be the instruments for the transformation of the social order into the kind of eschatological utopia that God willed from the beginning of creation!” Then my wife asked politely and sweetly, “And what is it that you do?” The woman answered humbly, “I…I… teach sociology (Campolo, Let Me Tell…, 144-145).” Treat your wife as an intellectual equal even if she can’t fire back like this. Let her express herself freely. Don’t act like your ideas are better.
Suggestions: Tell her with your eyes that you love her. Give her non-sexual affection. Hold her hand in public. Pray for her and with her and then help her when she is feeling limited in what she can give. Don’t try to remake your wife. When she slips into her bathing suite - that is not the time to suggest going on a diet. Accept her as she is. Delight in her. Praise her at least once a day. The key word is COMMUNICATION.
Illustration: You’ve probably heard about the couple who hadn’t communicated for some time because they had been arguing. They were riding on a Sunday afternoon in the country, and he spotted two mules on the other side of the fence. For the first time in 3 weeks he spoke to his wife. He pointed to the mules and said, "Some of your relatives?" She replied, "Yes, by marriage." And back into their stewing silence they went.
Application: If you want to have an interesting communication session, ask what Smalley recommends you ask of your wife: Do you feel you are the most important person in my life? Are there any activities in my life you feel are more important than you are? Are there any special ways you believe I could better communicate how important you are to me?
Amplification: Gary Smalley asked 5 divorced women, individually, "If your husband began treating you in a consistently loving manner, would you take him back?" Each one replied, "Of course, I would." The way that we can win back an estranged wife is to love her in a consistent manner. If you want to brighten up the countenance of your wife, communicate with her, praise her, protect her, value her opinion and find her strong points, share your feelings with her, hold her tenderly, accept her, date her, surprise her with a gift on an ordinary day, notice her but not her short-comings, help her with the house, show public affection, call when you’re going to be late, put her first, and remember the "little things". This positions her to deal with life and low self-esteem issues should they have them. Laugh with each other.
Illustration: I had this happen the other day. My wife was cutting my hair and she was focused on a sprig of hair on the side of my head near the front of my ear. In her attempt to take that sprig out, she was inadvertently pressing the hair-clippers down on the back of my ear. I yelled, “Honey, you’re about to take my ear off.” We both got the biggest kick out of that. That really is the stuff that intimacy is made of. Share common experiences together and learn to laugh with each other. As you honor and respect him, and he loves and cherishes you, real intimacy is built.
Amplification: Conversely, if you want to dig a grave for your marriage, here’s how to do it. Criticize her frequently. Never pay attention to her. Refuse to do anything around the house. Make her a 3rd or 4th priority. Explain her hurt as opposed to empathizing with her. Make her feel stupid. Never be romantic. Cheat on her. Be lazy. Compare her to other women. Flaunt disgusting mannerisms. Verbally abuse and humiliate. Point out her unattractive features daily. Demand. Dominate. Demean. Make jokes about her. Read or view sexually graphic magazines or websites in front of her or the children. Insult her. Run away and have an affair. This will rip you apart and make you despise one another.
Illustration: A classic example appeared in the San Francisco Bay newspaper: For Sale: 1984 Mercedes, 240 SL Loaded. Fifty dollars takes it. 868.5737. Not believing his eyes, a man called the number to see if it was a misprint. It wasn’t and the man rushed to her home. As she handed him the title to the luxury car, he asked, “Why are you selling a Mercedes for $50? “Well, my husband phoned me from Las Vegas. He’s with his secretary, and he said he’s leaving me. He went broke and he asked me to sell the Mercedes and send him half the money.”
Application: There are eight things that every husband needs to know about his wife in order to really love her (Lists to Live By modified by Joey Nelson):
1. Your wife needs you to be the spiritual leader of your home. She needs more than just a steady paycheck.
2. She needs you to be her teammate in raising the kids and taking care of the home. Provide her some time away from the home too.
3. She needs you to treat her like a princess. Treat her as if she was perfect and watch the difference in her.
4. She needs you to communicate with her.
5. She needs her friends and needs you to allow time with the girls, but ultimately she wants you to be her best friend.
6. She needs you to be a “triple A” encourager: appreciate, affirm, admire.
7. She needs to feel emotionally filled before she desires to be sexually involved.
8. She needs you to understand that there are some things you will never understand. She’ll need your shoulder at times more than your mouth – more than an explanation of why she feels like she does.
Illustration: What do women want most from their husbands? It is not a bigger home or a better dishwasher or a newer car. Rather, it is the assurance that hand-in-hand, we’ll face the best and worst that life has to offer – together (Dobson, What Wives Wish… 186). Special-togetherness times are her real joy in you.
III. Specifically, the wife’s number one job is to respect with an attitude of following her husband’s leadership (not another man)
Recitation: "…and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband." He needs to know that you trust his leadership. Let him lead. If you want to light up the countenance of your husband, be loyal to his leadership. One of the greatest needs in families today is a husband/father who will lead. Some things to bear in mind as you support his leadership.
Application: Ladies, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration are all very important to your husband. The way you can crush a man’s spirit, women, is to invert these five things in your marriage. Resist his physical affection; refuse to do fun things with him; let yourself go physically; neglect the home and your family; and put your loyalty in outside leadership as opposed to following his leadership; and ridicule his decisions and take matters into your own hands.
Suggestions: Tell your husband plainly what you need without condemning him; don’t expect him to know automatically. Eliminate the guesswork. Learn how to appeal wisely, not assert yourself rebelliously or nag him. Reassure your husband in his leadership role by asking for his advice. Pray for your husband and be willing to pray with your husband. Continue to develop inward as well as outward beauty. Cultivate a meek and quiet spirit but be willing to attack and conquer something alongside him. Give your husband plenty of room to grow and catch on. Conversely, if you want to dig a grave for your marriage, here’s how to do it. Never admire him. Always complain. Start competing with his interests. And remember, if your husband wants to be alone, it’s not always a rejection of you.
Notation: Men, even if your wife refuses to do some of these things, your calling is to still love her as Christ loved the church. It feels like death, but it’s what we are to do.
Application: Ten things every wife needs to know about her husbands needs (McAuley in Lists To Live By). I share these things because deep down your husband is thinking these thoughts.
1. I need you to share your dreams, desires, and needs clearly – I’m not a mind reader.
2. I need you to be strong in your faith – it encourages me spiritually to lead.
3. I need you to pray for me and forgive me.
4. Help me to develop spiritual partnerships with other men.
5. Give a good report about me to others – it encourages me to grow.
6. I value your acknowledgment of what I do around the house – it provides me energy to do more.
7. I enjoy conversation, but I need quiet time to reflect on my day. Then, I can discuss it more easily. A few years ago, a book was published that became very popular, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray. One of his big points in that book was that men tend to retreat to a kind of emotional, relational cave to think about their problems. Women often interpret this as a negative thing “You don’t want to be with me?”
8. I need your support when I take the lead on decision-making. Help me consider all your input and other factors, and then give me room to think.
9. I need you to be my best friend.
10. Love me…all the time.
Illustration: Read the story about E.V. Hill in Solid Answers, p. 392-394 - a story that shows how a wife allowed her husband to lead, even through failure. His wife models what women really admire in a man – someone who will admit, I made a mistake. Would you forgive me?
Quotation: Proverbs 31:10
CONCLUSION
Application: Some closing applications…
1. It is time for you to join each other’s team. Stop fighting one another. Start leveling with one another in love. You’re going to blow it so know when to apologize.
2. Now is the time to let go of the hurt. Some of you entered marriage with "storybook" expectations and limited training. Train yourself how to love and forgive.
3. Marriage is a beautiful relationship ordained by God and can bring completion and perspective to your life. Go ahead and spoil each other. Date your mate.
4. If your marriage is on the rocks, make a come back. Surprise everybody.
Concluding Question: That brings me to a concluding question: Are you wedded to Christ?
1. A Christ-centered marriage is a discipleship issue. Today, Christ is calling you away from your selfishness and away from your marital failure. Are you treating and responding to your present spouse like you would treat and respond to Christ himself?
2. What do you want your marriage to become? Start living that way. You will be the beneficiary of a very happy home.
Quotation: Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave (Martin Luther).
Application: There are some ways that we can daily defeat selfishness. I’d like to offer these suggestions first to wives then to husbands:
Pray for your husband.
Show him you love him unconditionally.
Tell him you think he’s the greatest.
Show him you believe in him.
Don’t talk negatively to him or about him.
Tell him that you love him.
Give him adoring looks.
Show him that you enjoy being with him.
Listen to him when he talks with you.
Hug him often.
Express interest in his interests.
Fix his favorite meal at an unexpected time.
Demonstrate your dedication to him in public.
Do things for him he doesn’t expect.
Show others you are proud to be his wife.
Rub his back, legs, and feet.
Stress his strengths, not his weaknesses.
Don’t try to mold him into someone else.
Revel in his joys; share his disappointments.
Show him your favorite times are with him.
Show him you respect him more than anyone.
Don’t give him reason to doubt your love.
Give him your undivided attention often.
Tell him he is your "greatest claim to fame."
Let him hear you thank God for him.
For husbands:
Say "I love you" several times a day.
Kiss her several times a day.
Hug her several times a day.
Put your arm around her often.
Hold her hand while walking.
Come up behind her and hug her.
Always sit by her when possible.
Rub her feet occasionally.
Give her a massage occasionally.
Always open doors for her.
Always help her with chairs, etc.
Ask her opinion when making decisions.
Show interest in what she does.
Take her flowers unexpectedly.
Plan a surprise night out.
Ask if there are things you can do for her.
Show affection in public places.
Train yourself to think of her first.
Show her you are proud to be her husband.
Train yourself to be romantic.
Call during the day to say "I love you."
Always call and tell her if you will be late.
Let her catch you staring lovingly at her.
Praise her in front of others.
Tell her she is your "greatest claim to fame."
Let her hear you thank God for her.
RECOMMENDED BIBLIOGRAPHY
Smalley, Gary. Hidden Keys of a Loving Lasting Marriage, 1988.
