INTRODUCTION
Opening: The pastor was visiting the fourth-grade Sunday School class to talk about marriage as part of the lesson. He asked the class, "What does God say about marriage?" Immediately one boy replied, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Did you know what you were doing when you got married? So many of us went into it blindly, rather clueless.
Question: Why did you get married? For sex, romance, companionship, security, children? God has woven into the DNA of the human heart a craving for oneness – soul hunger. I’m reminded of a television advertisement that underscores this. A boyfriend is doing everything just to please his girlfriend. He does yoga with her. He purchases feminine products for her. He does laundry with her. Finally, while they are relaxing on the couch, she reaches for his Dr. Pepper. And the next thing we see, he’s up off the couch and running down the street with his Dr. Pepper and his girl-friend has this puzzled look on her face.
Observation: It’s a privilege to become one with another human being. It’s also painful because to become one, we have to give up a part of ourselves. Instead of building oneness, so many bail on oneness, not giving love a chance.
Quotation: “Weddings are easy; marriages are difficult. The couple wants to plan a wedding; I want to plan a marriage. They want to know where the bridesmaids will stand; I want to develop a plan for forgiveness… I can do a wedding in twenty minutes with my eyes shut. A marriage takes year after year after year of alert, wide-eyed attention (Peterson, God’s Message, 178).” Marriage is what you create after the wedding is over.
Illustration: I think when life gets tough, though, we come to understand the value of that oneness that we have worked so hard to achieve. Dennis Rainey shares how that this horrible year began when he got his fifth job and made his sixth move in five years. He was on the road for six weeks with his 2 year old daughter and 8 month old son. Someone stole Barbara’s purse and Dennis’ wallet. They ended up camping out in Colorado and got a deluge of rain. They finally made it home and had to leave again for 3 weeks because his Dad died. They arrived back in Little Rock and began to receive partial pay-checks because he worked for Campus Crusade for Christ. At the same time, he needed $2,000 of dental work done. A short time later, his brother had a heart attack in the dead of winter and had to go run the family propane business. He arrived back home to discover that his son needed major abdominal surgery. The spring seasons passed quietly. But in June, his wife was rushed to the hospital with heart complications. Later, she was found to be pregnant! Dennis said all they could do was just hang on. Life seemed so out of control. Dennis says the temptation to withdraw from one another is greatest in a time of crisis. You must learn to tackle your problems together. You lose perspective if you don’t.
Transition: Not only does God want you to experience oneness with a soul-mate; you need oneness to weather the storms of life.
Quotation: I think that it’s appropriate to go to the Book of Beginnings for some marriage insights. You can have a oneness marriage if you’ll give love a chance. One writer wrote: “Love isn’t an act, it is a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you. It’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures are all on the shelf and done with. Love, well, I’ll tell you what love is. It’s when you’re 75 and she’s 71, each of you listening for the other’s footsteps in the next room, each afraid that sudden silence, a sudden cry could mean a lifetime’s talk is over (Rainey, 34).”
Title: Marriage Mystery – A Oneness Marriage
Text/Key Word: In Genesis 2:23-25, we find FOUR ONE-WORD PRINCIPLES, RIVETS that apply to the marriage relationship in every age or culture.
Illustration: Do you know what a rivet is? Some are as small as your pinky finger and some are as large as a man’s arm, and when they fasten two pieces of steel together, skyscrapers can stand for a hundred years due to their strength.
Context: In Genesis, when man fell, it wasn’t as if something was added to his nature. Rather, something was lost that forever altered his nature. Man lost a relationship of intimacy with God and one another. Our nature became isolated and sinful as a result of this loss. It infects our relationships.
Illustration: There’s a deep craving for relationship in both men and women. In there book, Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge assert that deeply embedded in the heart of women from the time they are just little girls is this question, “Am I lovely?” In other words, will someone want to pursue me and get to know me and love me? This is what all the dresses and make-up is about. As she walks to the marriage altar, this questions lingers, “Am I lovely? Do you see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me? Am I going to be a disappointment to him? Are you willing to fight for me?” Cut off from love, no one pursuing her, something dies inside a woman.
In John Eldredge’s book Wild At Heart, he asserts that the question in the heart of a boy is “Am I adequate? Do I have what it takes?” All the superhero stuff is about proving they have what it takes. Boys want to fight a battle, live an adventure, and rescue a beauty. Even as he embarks on the marriage journey, he fears jumping into the world of a woman because he is risking failure, inadequacy.
It takes another person to authenticate that these longings. I think marriage is a partial answer to these longings. Of course, knowing and loving God being the ultimate.
Explanation: Marriage is a mystery; it is not just a social contract. Two become one. God’s plan for marriage is that two become one. And this is much more than just sharing the same residence, the same food, and the same bed. It is two people giving themselves to one another until their lives are woven together into one. Husband, wife, let me ask you. Are you developing true companionship in your marriage? Is your marriage more than a joint checking account and the children? God wants much more than that for you. He designed marriage for companionship! Marriage rescues love from shallow definitions.
Text: That’s why Moses’ words are so important. In our passage, God has just finished molding and shaping Eve. And then, He presents her to Adam. Moses then draws some PRINCIPLES, RIVETS out of these facts.2:24 That is why [Moses offers an explanation of the significance of the events described. This is an editorial comment and not additional words of Adam. Moses is explaining to the reader: “This is why we do things the way we do.”] a man leaves his father and mother and unites with his wife, and they become a new family. 2:25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.
OUTLINE
I. Severance/Leave "leave his father and mother (24a)." The word “leave” (`abad [dbu]) is a strong word, meaning “abandon, forsake dependence upon.” The Law does not mean by this that a man should turn his back on family relationships and the responsibilities they involve. It doesn’t mean to ignore mom & dad; never call them up; never go home for a meal again. In fact, after marriage home often becomes more sacred than it was before - that the ties between parent & child are even more precious than they were before - but in a different way. Rather, Moses is stressing that the break from home should be complete because you’re beginning a new family.
Illustration: I’m reminded of the guy who was living at home and was having trouble getting up to attend church on Sunday. His mother told him. First, you are 40 years old and should be responsible for getting to church on time. Second, you should set a good example. And third, you’re the pastor and people expect you be there on time to start the service!
Application: You are to loosen your dependency on mom and dad. You have to severe the provisional ties with home. Some call it “cutting the apron strings.” Parents should not interfere. Children should not depend on their parents. There are symptoms of this: Depending on parents to fund your projects. Going to parents instead of your spouse for emotional support. Running home if there is a problem. Parents must let their children leave and relinquish control. The principle of this leaving is this.... NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON EARTH, IS TO TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MATE. And when it does, you are in clear violation of the first fundamental RIVET of marriage.
Illustration: One pastor note: Do you remember the old American Folk Song, "Billy Boy, Billy Boy?" There is an interesting line in that song - it says "She’s a young thing & cannot leave her mother." Do you remember that? How old do you think she is? When you sang that song how old did you picture that girl? 16? 17? But when you learn all the words to that song an interesting fact emerges. Here is how the song goes: "How old is she Billy boy, Billy boy? How old is she, charming Billy? Three times six & four times seven. Twenty-eight & eleven. She’s a young thing & cannot leave her mother."
Now, I may not be real keen on math - but I went through & multiplied & added all that up - & if my math is right, that "girl" was 85 years old! "A young thing & cannot leave her mother." It makes you wonder how old her mother must have been, doesn’t it? Still, she was not old enough to sever the ties & to marry poor old Billy. As far as the song goes, Billy ended up with no wife because "She was a young thing & could not leave her mother."
Illustration: I heard a story about a mother and father who gave their precious daughter away in marriage. After the honeymoon, their daughter and her husband moved several states away. A few weeks later, the phone rang, the mother answered, and it was their daughter. She was in tears because she and her husband had just had their first fight. The daughter asked to speak to her dad. He took the phone and went into another room and talked to "his little girl" for about 10 minutes. When he came back out, the mother asked, "What did she say." The father replied, "She and her husband had a big fight and she wants to come home." After a moment of silence, the mother asked, "What did you say?" The father answered, "I told her, SHE IS HOME." That’s good! That father recognized that he needed to let go after his daughter said "I do." (Story by Ricky Burke).
Observation: Interference from in-laws will strike at intimacy. Autonomy is difficult for some mothers (and fathers) to grant, and close proximity is built for trouble.
II. Permanance/Cleave "united to his wife (24b)." The verb was traditionally translated “cleaves”; it has the basic idea of “stick with/to.” For example, it is used of Ruth resolutely staying with her mother-in-law (Ruth 1:14). In this passage it describes the inseparable relationship between the man and the woman in marriage as God intended it. When we break this bond, trust is shattered and we are ready to fight because we’ve been ripped apart from a bond we thought was permanent. Oneness gives way to hard-heartedness. A woman’s worst fear is abandonment. A mans worst fear is disrespect. Both will strike out in fear.
Illustration: A classic example appeared in the San Francisco Bay newspaper: For Sale: 1984 Mercedes, 240 SL Loaded. Fifty dollars takes it. 868.5737. Not believing his eyes, a man called the number to see if it was a misprint. It wasn’t and the man rushed to her home. As she handed him the title to the luxury car, he asked, “Why are you selling a Mercedes for $50? “Well, my husband phoned me from Las Vegas. He’s with his secretary, and he said he’s leaving me. He went broke and he asked me to sell the Mercedes and send him half the money I get for it (Rainey, Lonely Husbands…21-22.).” When we rip a marriage apart, something dies inside and we lash out in hurt.
Application: So many people feel like doing something to hurt our offender. Why? Because when we choose to rip apart what God has put together in permanence, the collateral damage is severe. When you marry, you’re signing on for a life-time voyage with no escape hatches or bail out clauses in the contract. When one partner sees it this way, and the other one does not, there will be trouble. It is said that over half of all marriage will end in divorce. And only 1 or 2 will of the half that do stay together will achieve true life intimacy.
Observation: There are many things that couples allow to threaten and dissolve this principle of permanency: Over commitment and exhaustion; excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent; selfishness; unrealistic expectations; substance abuse; pornography and other addictions. When you stood before the Lord, whether it was in a beautiful house of worship or a justice of the peace, and said, “I take you to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part,” you were making a covenant with the future. A vow to your God! A vow of permanence. Malachi 2:13-16 says, “Remember the wife of your youth. Keep your marriage covenant. Cleave to that union.”
Illustration: When the Spanish Conquistador, Cortez, landed on a specific land destination, the challenge looked to be really great to his discouraged men. So, he burned the ships that brought them there. The Bible teaches that when you marry, you’re burning the ships! You’re committed to moving forward together for life.
III. Unity/Weave "become one flesh, family (24c)." A complete unit; two-halves making one whole. The Hebrew word “flesh” in this context means the whole life together, and not just a sexual union. When they unite in marriage, they begin a process of growing together in every aspect of their life.
Quotation: Rodney Dangerfield said, “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations– we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” That’s not unity.
Observation: Notice the progression. Leave. Then cleave. Then, become one flesh. Physical intimacy comes after the walls of commitment have totally surrounded and secured the relationship.
Explanation: I think when people come to marriage; they think that they understand sexuality. But it is so much more than biological function. There’s an emotional aspect to it – a soul and spirit aspect. Kevin Leman says that “Sex begins in the kitchen.” Intimacy is built throughout the day as you share in life together intimate moments.
Illustration: I had this happen the other day. My wife was cutting my hair and she was focused on a sprig of hair on the side of my head near the front of my ear. In her attempt to take that sprig out, she was inadvertently pressing the hair-clippers down on the back of my ear. I yelled, “Honey, you’re about to take my ear off.” We both got the biggest kick out of that. That really is the stuff that intimacy is made of. Share common experiences together and learn to laugh with each other. As you honor and respect him, and he loves and cherishes you, real intimacy is built.
IV. Intimacy "naked and not ashamed (25)." The motif of nakedness is introduced here and will play an important role in the next chapter. I am not sure that we can really understand what is being said here. In our day whenever we hear the word "naked" we think of pornography (an intimacy substitute) - we think immoral things. But the word "naked" here simply means "one is laid bare - there are no secrets - all the warts & blemishes are revealed & everything is laid bare." In the Bible nakedness conveys different things. In this context it signifies either innocence or integrity, depending on how those terms are defined. There is no fear of exploitation, no sense of vulnerability. But after the entrance of sin into the race, nakedness takes on a negative sense. It is then usually connected with the sense of vulnerability, shame, exploitation, and exposure (such as the idea of “uncovering nakedness” either in sexual exploitation or in captivity in war). Marriage is about intimacy. One can sleep with anyone, but it takes time and work to build intimacy. Be tender with each other.
Quotation: Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. “I’m not coming any closer. This is as far as I’m willing to go. But, I won’t leave, and that ought to make you happy (Captivating, 86).”
Definition: H. Norman Wright defines intimacy as “taking the risk to be close to someone and allowing that person to step inside our personal boundaries (Family Is Still…, 109).”
Explanation: The marriage mystery and all of these RIVETS are about intimacy. You can share a bed, eat at the same table, watch the same TV, and parent the same children – and still not be intimate. Your marriage will naturally move toward a state of isolation. You have to lovingly and energetically act upon it and RIVET yourself together.
Illustration: There’s an article that traces the tendency that occurs in marriage to drift from intimacy into the humdrum of isolation. Called The Seven Ages of the Married Cold, this article reveals the reaction of a husband to his wife’s colds during seven years of marriage.
This is the first year: "Sugar dumpling, I’m worried about my baby girl. You’ve got a bad sniffle and there’s no telling about these things with all this strep around. I’m putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general checkup and a good rest. I know the food’s lousy but I’ll bring your meals in from the Charger House. I’ve already got it arranged with the floor superintendent."
Second year: "Listen, darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough and I’ve called Doc Glasser to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl, please? Just for papa."
Third year: "Maybe you’d better lie down, honey; nothing like a little rest when you feel ill. I’ll bring you something to eat. Have we got any soup?"
Fourth year: "Look dear, be sensible. After you feed the kids and get the dishes washed, you’d better hit the sack."
Fifth year: "Why don’t you get yourself a couple of aspirin?"
Sixth year: "If you’d just gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a seal!"
Seventh year: "For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing! Whatcha trying to do, gimme pneumonia?"
Application: Isn’t it amazing how we can slip back into selfishness after many years together. Mutual submission to Jesus Christ is the only real answer to lifelong intimacy and selfless living. God has been wooing you ever since you’ve been a little girl or boy. You were made for romance, and only Jesus can offer it consistently. Your marriage will never be perfect, but it can and should be moving toward oneness.
Are you moving toward oneness or isolation?
Are both of you allowing Christ to control your entire lives?
Are both of you part of God’s family?
Are both of you growing in your understanding of marriage?
Quotation: You must realize that success in marriage is not so much as finding the right mate, as it is in being the right mate.
Illustration: James Dobson shares in Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives about a surgeon who witnessed the intimacy we’ve been talking about. “I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of the flesh… Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had cut the little nerve. Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry-mouth I have made, who gave at and touch each other so generously…? The young woman speaks. ‘Will my mouth always be like this?’ she asks. ‘Yes,’ I say, ‘it will. It is because the nerve was cut.’ She nods, and is silent. But the young man smiles. ‘I like it.’… Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I am so close that I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works…”
Application: Here’s a couple that had moved beyond an “I love you like I love pizza.” Or “I love you because you really turn me on.” They were at “I love you and I see a need that I can help you meet.”
RECOMMENDED BIBLIOGRAPHY
Rainey, Dennis, Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives
Swindoll, Charles, Strike the Original Match
