Overcoming Perfectionism (Heb 12:2)
"Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith." (Heb 12:2)
"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is my made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9,10)
"Every good and perfect gift is from above." (James 1:17)
"He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ." (Phil. 1:6)
Quote: As the saying goes, perfectionists take great pains, and they give them to others. (Scott Grant)
Quote: Perfection is nothing less than idolatry. Only God is perfect. When we aspire to perfection, we are making ourselves out to be God. But deep down we know we’re unqualified to be God, at the very least for the simple reason that we can’t control things. Therefore, we become obsessive about control, and we are reluctant to trust anyone with anything that might reflect poorly on us if it isn’t done to our exacting specifications. (Scott Grant)
Ask the Lord God our Father, the Holy Spirit and the Lord Jesus Christ to be responsible for making you into what is best in God’s eyes, not in your own. Many obsessive compulsive people struggle with their own sense of self-worth as a result of their inability to cope with less than perfectionism. We need to trust God to help us learn to be content with whatever circumstances we find ourselves in - whether it means abasing or abounding. Let us appropriate the promise, "I have strength for all things through Christ who empowers me. I am ready for anything and equal to every challenge with the help of Christ who gives me the strength and power." (Phil. 4:13 - Amplified Bible)
ARE YOU A PERFECTIONIST?
Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
Do you often put off handing in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
Do you feel you must give more than 100% on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?
If so, rather than simply working toward success, you may in fact be trying to be perfect - too perfect!
Perfectionism refers to self-defeating thoughts and behaviours associated with high and unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen as desirable or even necessary for success. Perfectionist attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can deny you a sense of satisfaction and cause you to achieve far less than people with more realistic goals.
CAUSES
If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that you were mainly valued for your achievements. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people`s approval. So your self-esteem may be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. To protect yourself you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.
Perfectionism is often associated with the following:
1. Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value. (James 1:2-5) "Count it all joy when you encounter various trials knowing that patience has its perfect work that we may become perfect not lacking in anything."
2. Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In building their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow. (Rom 8:31,32) If God is for us who can be against us.
3. Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval. (I John 4:18)
4. All-or-nothing thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight ‘A’ student who receives a ‘B’ might believe, "I am a total failure". (Prov 3:5,6)
5. Over-emphasis on ‘should’, ‘must’ and ‘ought’. Perfectionists often live with an endless list of rigid rules for what they must accomplish. With the emphasis on how everything has to be done, perfectionists rarely listen to what they really feel like doing. Paul wrote, "Live by the Spirit and do not be burdened by a yoke of slavery." (Gal 5)
6. Never good enough. Perfectionists tend to see others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, little emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate. (2 Cor 3:5,6) "Not that we are adequate to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God who makes us adequate - competent as servants of the new covenant. Not of the letter but by the Spirit."
THE VICIOUS CIRCLE
You set an unreachable goal.
You fail to meet this goal because the goal was impossible to begin with. Failure to reach it was always inevitable.
The constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce your productivity and effectiveness.
This leads you to be self critical and self-blaming which results in low self-esteem and possibly anxiety and depression.
At this point you may give up completely on your original goal and set yourself another unrealistic goal, thinking "This time if only I try harder I will succeed". The vicious circle continues!
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?
The first step is to realise that perfectionism is undesirable. Let us press for excellence but allow the Lord to do the perfecting. (2 Pet 1:3,4) Perfection is an illusion that is unattainable. The next step is to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviours that fuel perfectionism. Here are eight strategies:
1. Set Realistic goals. Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and on what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem. (Rom 12:3 - Think so as to have sound judgment - dokimazo)
2. Aim for Modest improvements. Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level.
3. Try for less than 100%. Experiment with your standards for success. Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100%, try for 90%, 80%, or even 60% success. This will help you to realise that world does not end when you are not perfect.
4. Focus on God’s will as a process. Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task. (Fix your eyes on Jesus - Heb 12:2)
5. Check your feelings. Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, "Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?" (Phil. 4:6-8)
6. Face your fears with the Lord’s help. Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, "What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?" God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Tim 1:7)
7. Grow as a result of mistakes. Recognise that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes. When you make a mistake ask, "What can I learn from this experience?" More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.
8. Discriminate. Avoid all-or-nothing thinking in relation to your goals. Learn to discriminate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort. (Phil. 1:9-11) "I pray that your love would abound in real knowledge and all discernment."
The healthy striver has drive, the perfectionist is driven
Healthy goal setting and striving are quite different from the self-defeating process of perfectionism. Healthy strivers tend to set goals based on their own wants and desires rather than primarily in response to external expectations. Their goals are usually just one step beyond what they have already accomplished. In other words, their goals are realistic, internal, and potentially attainable. Healthy strivers take pleasure in the process of pursuing the task at hand rather than focusing only on the end result. When they experience disapproval or failure, their reactions are generally limited to specific situations rather than generalised to their entire self-worth.
Conclusion: Let the Lord be the author and perfector of your faith by fixing our eyes on Jesus. HE learned obedience through the things that He suffered. (Heb. 5:8)
Acknowledgements
The credit for the entire article goes to
Catherine McPhail and
Geoff McNulty, Brunel University Counselling Service
Dundee University
