Parenthood – Launch Pad Disasters
May 7, 2006
Undisciplined Children are Unloved Children
The Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as his child.
So hold on through your sufferings, because they are like a father’s discipline. God is treating you as children. All children are disciplined by their fathers.
If you are never disciplined (and every child must be disciplined), you are not true children.
Hebrews 12:6-7
Discipline is described by one author, Gorden McDonald as “Intentional Suffering”. I’m not sure if that is enough. I think I’d say it this way, “Discipline is the imposition of intentional suffering to obtain a desired goal. It can be imposed on you by others or you can impose it on yourself. Anyone who has signed up to exercise at the MAC understands the principle of “intentional suffering” to gain a slimmer body.
When we speak of discipline and children we open up a key and critical piece in the parenting of children.
All too often we fail our kids by not loving them enough to discipline them.
Throughout this message I have some comments from some of the teachers in our body about what they observe that the kids in their classrooms deal with every day. Consider what Shannon Nedd’s comments
Undisciplined Children are Unloved Children
"Too many parents are more concerned about their job than the well being of their child.
Too many parents see their children as an inconvenience rather than a blessing."
Shannon Nedds, Okemos Montessori Teacher
I’m going to share with this morning 4 mistakes that parents make in the discipline of their children.
Remember that discipline is the “intentional suffering” that we have imposed on us to achieve a greater goal. In other words – discipline is not punishment – it is a learning and growing process that a loving parent makes sure his kids benefit from.
Over Indulgence
Ok, the first mistake: over indulgence. Sometimes it’s just easier to give them what they say they want! But it creates an attitude of entitlement! Listen to Tom Hampton’s comments…
"We live with a generation of people who believe they deserve everything without having to give anything.
"You owe me _____" Fill in the blank. People don’t want to work for anything and so the lesson to their children is, as above, "I deserve everything but have to pay nothing… for it."
Tom Hampton, New Covenant Christian School Teacher
This is essentially a combination of greed and a ego-centric attitude. Or in other words, “It’s all about Me, Me, Me.”
Jesus set a different standard and would have us walk a different path.
Over Indulgence
15 Then Jesus said to them, “Be careful and guard against all kinds of greed. Life is not measured by how much one owns.”
Luke 12:15
One of the important jobs we have as parents is to teach our children that there are more important things in life than just material things. If we constantly give them everything they want – if they have every toy, every article of clothing, get to go anyplace they want & do everything they can – they’ll never learn the value of things.
Think back to your childhood, to the time when you didn’t get the bicycle at Christmas that you had longed for. Remember how disappointed you were, & you decide, “I just don’t want my child to go through that kind of disappointment here.”
But you never stop to realize that maybe the waiting & the wanting & the longing developed character in you. And the same would be true of your children.
It’s valuable to learn the lesson of being joyful for what you have instead of constantly whining about what you don’t have. Learn to be joyful!
Sending my kids on mission trip was one of the most important things I did for my kids. Recently one of our families got to visit New Orleans.
Over Protection
The second mistake we make is over protection.
"Some of my students think its ok to fill in answers from a friend and don’t see that as cheating. I’m all students working together but copying answers doesn’t cut it!! It’s dishonest and a horrible habit to get into!!!
Hardest problem to solve - apathy!"
Kathy Sheufelt, Okemos Chippewa Middle School Teacher
Kathy Sheufelt comments about how some kids think it’s ok to cheat and are apathetic about learning. Now where does this come from?
When life is too easy and there are no struggles there is no real growth and learning is there?
The writer of Hebrews says it this way:
Over Protection
4 You are struggling against sin, but your struggles have not yet caused you to be killed. 5 You have forgotten the encouraging words that call you his children: “My child, don’t think the Lord’s discipline is worth nothing, and don’t stop trying when he corrects you.
Hebrews 12:3-5
When your child is born, the first thing you want to do is hold it close & protect it from all the hurts & evil things out in the world. So whenever you see your child hurt, or someone being unfriendly, you want to protect him.
But sometimes that protection can be excessive. You See, the goal of good parenting is to raise your child so that you can release your child to become an adult who can take care of his or her own life.
Dr. Dobson says that we ought to release the child gradually. When they’re old enough, let them climb the tree in the back yard. They may fall out, but that’s a part of growing up. When they’re old enough, let them ride their tricycle. They may have a spill, but there are scabs in life & that’s okay.
When they’re old enough, let them spend the night with a friend. When they’re old enough, let them go to summer camp. And if they become homesick, don’t go get them.
Teach your kids to struggle for themselves and succeed.
When she’s mature enough you let her get her first part-time job. When he turns 16 you let him get a driver’s license & begin to drive. When she’s 22 you let her have her first date. You just let your child continue to grow until finally you can release the child & feel good about it.
Greek Vacation: I love the story about the mom & dad with a son who was a freshman in college. He blew off his freshman year. He wasn’t very responsible, didn’t make good grades, squandered his money, & finally came back home. His parents told him, “If you go back to school you’ll have to pay your own way.”
So he had to work that summer & not go on the family vacation. That was part of his punishment. The family went to Greece that year & the mom sent him a postcard, “Dear Son,” she wrote. “Today we stood on the mountains where ancient Spartan women sacrificed their defective children. Wish you were here.”
So don’t be an overprotective parent. Allow your child to grow up.
Special Needs Kids – We have a daughter Susan, who is both developmentally disabled and schizophrenic. We moved her into a group home when she was 16 because of the needs in her life. It is important to let your children grow up as much as possible.
Over Permissiveness
The third mistake is over permissiveness. Listen to the comments of one of our elders and assistant Principle in Williamston HS:
"Parents not laying the ground rules early in life. So, kids run the show when they turn 13.
Finally, Parents who can not problem solve...Kids on drugs, what do I do???? You and I can probably list 5 ideas without batting an eye"
Mike Freeman, HS Assistant Principle and MCC Elder
Kids need rules and guidelines. They need to given limits. The writer of Proverbs says it briefly and with clarity…
Over Permissiveness
Discipline your son, & he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.
Proverbs 29:17,
Now you have to choose whether you’re going to listen to what the world is saying, or to what God’s Word says. You must choose between the two. And they are very different.
The world’s philosophy says that you just love your child & eventually they will do the right thing. But it leaves out one very important ingredient - the sinfulness of man. It leaves out the fact that inside all of us there is a sinful nature.
And if your children, as sweet & innocent as they may be today, if they are left free to choose, eventually they will make some wrong choices. And they’ll never the difference between right & wrong unless you teach them. And sometimes you must teach them in a very direct & straightforward way so there is no confusion about it.
People, one of the reasons we have kids shooting other kids is that they have never been taught what is right & what is wrong. And they have never been made to realize that when you do what is right you’re rewarded, & when you do what is wrong you’re punished. And sometimes that punishment brings pain.
Now I’m not suggesting that you abuse your child. Heaven forbid that we do that. God has created a special part of our anatomy for spanking. It’s padded, it’s all conditioned just exactly for that. So that is where you do the spanking.
I found the following technique worked quite well. 1) Never in anger. 2) Never in public 3) Never without loving after ward. Put your child across you knee and ask if they are ready. When their little rear end goes “errt” – they’re ready! Now with an open hand give them a couple nice loud smacks on the hind parts. Then pick them up and love them.
Phil Yancy tells about an African safari he was on where he saw an old momma giraffe taking care of her offspring. Shortly after he was born she went over & kicked her offspring, & it looked like she was really hurting her baby. Then she did it again.
Each time, the little giraffe would get up on his wobbly legs & try to walk. Still she continued kicking him. Finally, he got up pretty rapidly & ran away from her kicks.
Phil turned to his guide & asked, “Why does the mother giraffe do that?” The guide answered, “The only defense the giraffe has is its ability to get up quickly & to out run its predator. If it can’t do that, it will soon die.”
While it looked like this giraffe was doing a cruel thing, it was really the most loving thing this mother could do for her offspring. And sometimes discipline is the same way.
Over Activity
The final mistake is over activity. Listen to the comments of Joyce Haner.
"By high school, they get the message from parents they must not just go to college- but a GOOD college. They can’t just play an instrument, they must have private lessons; they can’t just be on an athletic team, they need to go to summer camps and the MAC if they are to excel; they must be a youth leader at church or temple; they must be popular with the Correct kids, etc.
The result is kids getting 4 hours of sleep and usually on medications for depression/stress (or self medicating with drugs and beer or self-mutilating as cutters or eating disorders) and totally burned out by their senior year trying to please mom and dad and peers"
Joyce Haner, Okemos HS Teacher
Kids that are over active, stressed out and constantly on the move do not find peace – they find a life that could be described as a treadmill that just keeps going faster and faster till they fly off the end.
The goal of discipline is peace! Listen to the writer of Hebrews…
Over Activity
10 Our fathers on earth disciplined us for a short time in the way they thought was best. But God disciplines us to help us, so we can become holy as he is. 11 We do not enjoy being disciplined. It is painful, but later, after we have learned from it, we have peace, because we start living in the right way.
Hebrews 12:10-11
John Rossmon says that we have created a “frantic family syndrome.” We think our kids need to be involved in virtually everything.
They must have music & dance lessons. They must be involved in t-ball & soccer & hockey & karate all kinds of different activities in the athletic field. They become Cub Scouts & Boy Scouts & Girl Scouts & have tons of homework to do on top of all that. And we feel we’re neglecting our child if we do not involve them in all of these activities.
Discipline is intentional pain – with a goal in mind. You simply cannot do it all. You must pick and choose your way through life.
But Rossmon suggests that you ought to schedule with your family at least 5 meals every week that are completely uninterrupted – just 5 meals every week where you sit down with your family. No phones ringing, nothing interrupting you & you just look at each other & you talk & visit.
Discipline is a way of life that leads to great joy for the child and the parent
“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home & when you walk along the road, when you lie down & when you get up.”
Deuteronomy 6:6-7?
As this family relaxes together, as it lives together, it shares the things of God. When we sit down we talk about the things of God. When we lie down at night to rest we talk about the things of God. When we get up we talk about God. And God is a part of our everyday life as we spend time with each other.
Live with your kids and give them the gift of peace that comes through a disciplined life.
