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Lose bad temper and gain positive boundaries
We are starting a series on bad temper, so just in case any one is wondering that was a setup, an example of how anger can get out of hand.
Let me give you another example from the animal kingdom.
Ginger the bad tempered cat
Anger, unresolved anger is a very serious issue. At the heart of it is our lack of honesty with each other. Anger at what someone else has done, what they have said, the way they have looked at us. It can burn within us, and if left there, turns into bitterness and eats us up. For many years the way we handled anger in the church was to ignore it, sweep it under the carpet. The way we handled conflict was to avoid it altogether. But that is not healthy, nor is it the way God wants us to live. One of the key issues for me when I am doing pre marriage counseling is to try to give the couple tools with which to fight. Not power tools, or pots and pans to throw at each other, but rather healthy ways to express anger, disappointment, disagreement. Unresolved anger may be the most devastating emotion to relationships, within marriage, within families, within the church, within the community. It alienates people without them even knowing why, it promotes church division through stealth.
The problem is, many of us are angry, but fail to see it as such. We are clever at rationalizing it away. We might say we have forgiven people, but then manage to bring it back up as fuel for fire at our leisure. That is not forgiveness. Anger and unforgiveness are still there. Or, if we do recognize we are angry, then we tend to downplay it, as though that is no big deal.
Lets have a look at Ephesians 4
25So put away all falsehood and "tell your neighbor the truth"[d] because we belong to each other. 26And "don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you."[e] Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil.
Other versions might say, "Be angry and sin not." Basically both these versions are saying this same thing. You will get angry, and I would say there are times you must get angry, but it is what you do with that anger that is important, and what we are talking about this morning, Lose bad temper and gain positive boundaries,
So how do we deal with our anger?
1. Vent
A lady once came to Billy Sunday, perhaps the most famous evangelist and preacher of the early 1900s, and tried to rationalize her angry outbursts. "There’s nothing wrong with losing my temper," she said. "I blow up, and then it’s all over."
"So does a shotgun," Sunday replied, "and look at the damage it leaves behind!"
According to J. Adams, a leading reformed theologian, psychiatrist, and Christian counselor, "the prevailing school of thought in modern psychiatry, group therapy, and anger management programs is that angry and hostile feelings toward others is never wrong, but that the best way to deal with one’s anger is by venting one’s feelings in a controlled environment." Often the major thrusts of these groups is to provide an opportunity for angry people to express their "hang-ups" and hostilities by encouraging them to vent their feelings by beating pillows.
Jane Howard gives such an example, "Pillows from sofas were used as props, to be beaten, struck, pounded, thrashed and abused by people who imagined them to be whoever it was that had made them mad." She adds later, "A pretty woman had been lying on a mattress, kicking and shrieking in unspecified rage. Later the woman told her son, ’I was working out some angry feelings I had about Grandma. " She adds with an almost uncanny biblical insight, "Most of the angry gestures amounted to ritual murders. Many people had to be reminded: ’Remember, its only a pillow.’"(Jane Howard in "Please Touch", p. 150.).
Chuck Swindoll in his book "Growing Strong," cites this amazing fact about camels: Camels may build up a pressure cooker of resentment toward human beings until the lid suddenly blows off and they go berserk. In Asia, when a camel driver senses trouble, he gives his coat to the animal. The camel then jumps on it, bites on it, tearing it to pieces. When the camel feels it has blown its top enough, man and animal can live together in harmony again.
The classic illustration of this is the encounter Cain had with God in Gen. 4:5-8. Cain brought the wrong kind of offering to the Lord. When God had no regard for Cain’s offering, Cain became angry and his countenance fell. God said to him, "Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not well, sin is crouching at the door and its desire is for you, but you must master it. The Bible talks about this, Listen to what Proverbs has to say. "A fool loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back," Prov 29:11, "Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit," 25:28, "A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression," 19:11, " Do you see a man who is hasty with his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him," 29:20, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression," 29:22, "A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated," 14:17, "He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly," 14:29, "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute," 15:18, "A man of great anger will bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again," 19:19, "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself," 22:24,25. Furthermore, James 1:19 says, "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger."
2. Clam
A second technique or way to respond when angry is to clam up. You know the routine: when your spouse does something that makes you mad, rather than talk to him or her about it, just clam up, withdraw and sulk. Or, if somebody in the church offends you, then thereafter avoid him and have nothing to do with him anymore. That, is not forgiveness. It is lying and hypocrisy. It is sin.
However it is true that this is the path all too often taken by Christians who feel the best way to deal with hurts and anger is to withdraw and to say nothing about it. The problem, of course, is that this is dishonest, and as the Bible says here it leads to bitterness and resentment which foster division, further falsehoods, and even hatred. Clamming up is the worst things that can be done. Doing so gives place to the devil who delights to wreck havoc in marriages and in the church.
Healthy Anger
Jesus could never be accused of clamming up, nor could John the Baptist. Remember we heard last week how John just let the Pharisees, the religious people, have it. In Luke 4 Jesus is approached by a distressed man who shouts at him, and says go away! Jesus’ answer to the man, in the original Greek is roughly translated as shut up, and he drives the troubling spirit out of the man. Another time in Luke 6, a man with a deformed hand comes to Jesus, on the Sabbath. To have a deformed hand in those days meant severe hardship. You were treated like an outcast, and you could not work, you had to beg. When Jesus is questioned by the Pharisees, they come to him in verse 6 of Luke 6 and watch him closely to see whether he is going to do work on the Sabbath. For the religious leaders of the day, they were not concerned about people, they were concerned about laws. One of the key times we see Jesus getting white hot angry is when religion gets in the way of grace. Jesus came ot bring grace, these guys came to reinforce their own position, and through the law to control.
Jesus knows their thoughts with what I imagine is a steely glare, turns to them and says, is it legal to do good deeds on the Sabbath or is it a day to do harm, he then defies them and he heals the man. I reckon in this case Jesus’ anger at their lack of compassion drove him to defy them, and in this case that was not just a good thing, but a great thing to do.
Jesus showed anger again when the disciples tried to send away the mothers and their children (Mark 10:13-16). He was indignant and distressed at the way the disciples were thwarting his loving purposes and giving the impression that he did not have time for ordinary people. He showed anger once more when he drove "out those who sold and those who bought in the temple" (Mark 11:15-17). God’s house of prayer was being made into a den of thieves and God was not being glorified -- hence Jesus’ angry words and deeds. Commenting on this, Warfield wrote: "A man who cannot be angry, cannot be merciful." The person who cannot be angry at things which thwart God’s purposes and God’s love toward people is living too far away from his fellow men ever to feel anything positive towards them.
Finally, at Lazarus’ grave Jesus showed not just sympathy and deep distress for the mourners (John 11:33-35), but also a sense of angry outrage at the monstrosity of death in God’s world. This is the meaning of "deeply moved" in John 11:38 Have you ever felt angry that someone has died, well so did Jesus. He was angry that sin had entered the world, and that it had had these consequences to someone he loved, and that is perfectly valid.
How do we know if our anger is healthy?
The Bible gives specific directions of how anger toward sin is to be worked out in the life of the church.
a. Take a long hard look in the mirror
Ask yourself, Am I angry because I have been humiliated or because my plans and desires have been thwarted by others, or am I angry because of sin committed by another? I must first take the beam out of my own eye before I can remove the speck from my brother’s. Mt 7:1-5.
b. Tell the truth in love, set a boundary
My love for the Lord and for my brother compel me to obey the Lord in this way and to seek to do my part for the restitution of my brother and the good of the church. This is probably the most neglected aspect of doing the work of ministry in the church today and until it is done the church will never be able to grow to maturity in Christ. We are not honest with each other. There is no growth without pain, and sometimes you have to cause pain to those you love.
It is always done in love with the hope of restoring or helping the friend being confronted to grow to maturity. He uses it in 1 Thess 5:14, "admonish the unruly," in 2 Thess 3:15, "Do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother," and in Col 3:16, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts." Finally, in Rom 15:14 Paul assures them that with the knowledge of the Word of God and the goodness that comes from living the Word in one’s life, that every child of God is able to do so. He says, "And concerning you, brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another."
In Mt 18:15-18 Christ tells us explicitly what is to be done when one sees a brother committing a sin. In verse 15 He says, "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won a brother." When a brother sins, whether it be against me or someone else, I should be angry. If I am not, then sin no longer is sin to me. I don’t see it as God sees it and I fail to love God and my brother as I should. But, if I see it as it really is, an affront to God and a threat to the sinning individual himself and to the church, then I will be angry and do what it is right. I will go to him in private and confront him in love with the hope that he will be restored.
What should be his response? The text says, "if he listens to you, you have won a brother." "Listen," in this context, means to hear with understanding and reception. It means he hears your rebuke, done in love, confesses his sin and apologizes to you and to God for it. James 5:16 tells us that we should confess our sins to one another. Furthermore, Christ taught the importance of our forgiving one another. In Mt 18:21-22 Peter asks the Lord, "how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" The Lord responded, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." In other words, whenever my brother sins then confesses and apologizes, then I must forgive him. To show how serious it is to forgive a repentant brother, Jesus teaches us to pray, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive others." He adds two verses later, "for if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions."
This is why it is important to say "I forgive you" when a brother sins, but then confesses his sin and expresses sorrow for it. We need to say those words and they need to be heard. By saying them, I am saying I no longer hold this against you.
The Christian counselor, J. Adams, says in his book that "letting the sun go down on anger is the most frequent cause of disharmony in marriage. It is hard to bring all of the baggage of resentment into the bed at night and expect things to go well.
Whenever I do premarital or marital counseling I remind the couple of this truth. The couple that prays together, stays together. Praying together, of course, means that sins must be addressed, confessed and forgiven. If two pray together and bitterness and anger are not dealt with, this is hypocrisy. If you are not praying together, why not? It may be because there are issues of unresolved anger.
Of course, this extends to the church, as well. Christ told us that when we are coming to church to worship and then remember that someone has something against us, that we must go first to that person and get things resolved. This means, if you have sinned against someone else, you must confess it and ask forgiveness before you come to worship God and partake of the Lord’s Supper.
Finally, note the words, "and sin not," v.26b. This means if we do not follow this prescription for anger management, then we will be sinning. That is, we should be angry over sin. Secondly, that anger should cause us follow the guidelines laid out for by Christ before the day is up. If we don’t, then we are sinning.
I am going to close in a minute with a prayer. Let me tell you ahead of time what that prayer will be so that you may personalize it with me and make your prayer too. After you hear the words, if you agree with them and want these words to be your prayer, as well, then after I pray them, make it your prayer by saying, amen. Whenever we say those words at the end of someone else’s prayer, then we are saying we agree with them and are asking God to make it so. Let us not take the "amen" lightly. Here are the words which I will pray immediately after I give them to you: Father, show me any unresolved anger I may have. Please help me to deal with it in the light of the teachings of Your Word. Help me to hate sin and to be angry over it. Please help me to be willing to lovingly rebuke my brother when he sins so that he would repent and become more like Christ. I am sorry I have failed to do this in the past. Please forgive me. This I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen. Now, let us pray.
Father, show me any unresolved anger I may have. Please help me to deal with it in the light of the teachings of Your Word. Help me to hate sin and to be angry over it. Please help me to be willing to lovingly rebuke my brother when he sins so that he would repent and become more like Christ. I am sorry I have failed to do this in the past. Please forgive me. This I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
