Being a True Friend
Series: Cultivating Healthy Relationships #2
1 Sam. 17:57-18:4[1]
2-6-05
Intro
Ted was born to Polish parents in Chicago in 1942. His father was a sausagemaker and times were tough. When Ted was only 6 months old he was hospitalized with a severe allergic reaction to medication. During that time he was neither hugged nor held—doctors’ orders. When he came home from the hospital his parents described him as withdrawn and listless.
During his early childhood Ted continued to withdraw. But he was very bright intellectually. He sprinted through Evergreen Park High School. And when only 16 years old, he headed off to Harvard.
At Harvard he shared a preppy suite with 5 other guys. One of his roommates, Michael Rohr said, “I can’t remember having a conversation with him.” Patrick McIntosh, another of the roommates, said “Ted had a special talent of avoiding relationships by moving quickly past groups of people and slamming the door behind him.”
By the time he was 20 years old, Ted finished his degree at Harvard and headed off to the University of Michigan where he received his Master’s and Ph.D. Then he went to the University of California (Berkeley) to teach.
Ted intensified his slide into isolation when in 1971 he moved to Montana and became a recluse. In 1990 Ted’s father committed suicide and Ted didn’t even attend the funeral. He said that he had developed a heart arrhythmia which got worse by dealing with family. Ted had told the family to draw a red line under the postage stamp to identify “important & urgent” letters they might send. When they used the red line to identify the letter telling of his father’s suicide, Ted wrote back complaining that the message did not merit a red line.
Ted Kaczyski continued to go deeper and deeper into seclusion until finally exposed as the infamous Unabomber. It’s hard to say what caused Ted to withdraw the way he did. Maybe his early illness was a factor. Maybe the fear of man kept him from discovering the joy and value healthy friendship. Maybe he reacted to some disappointing relationship attempts. Maybe he got his priorities all wrong and put relationship building too far down on the list. One thing is undeniable; the end result of Ted’s withdrawal was destructive for him as well as many others. [2]
This morning I am going to continue the theme from last week concerning relationships. We live in a paradoxical society. On the one hand, we are seeing amazing advancement in communication technology. Now through the magic of satellites we can easily talk directly with someone in China or almost anywhere in the world. The internet has revolutionized the communication industry. All kinds of channels of communication have now opened up between people that were previously impractical if not impossible. Yet while all of that is going on people are feeling more and more disconnected with one another. Emotional isolation is becoming epidemic in America.
Harvard Professor Robert Putnam spearheaded a survey of 40 communities around the U.S. This Social Capital Community Benchmark Survey interviewed about 29,200 people by phone. It determined that the degree to which we socialize with one another, trust one another and join with one another in community predicts a city’s quality of life far better than levels of education or income. The research found that membership in all group activities—bowling leagues, fraternal orders, churches, labor unions, and clubs had steadily fallen. In other words America’s stockpile of “social capital” (or trust and cooperation among citizens) has plummeted.[3]
There are strong sociological forces behind much of the loneliness people in America are feeling. Why have shows like “Seinfeld” and “Friends” been so popular? Why are all the reality shows on TV? People are feeling so lonely they are trying to find vicarious friendship through those programs. Perhaps the greatest opportunity we have for evangelism in the 21st Century revolves around the pain people are experiencing in their emotional isolation. Jesus said, “By this shall all men know you are my disciples, by the love you have one for another.” I can think of nothing more attractive to the average sinner out there than a community of believers where the love of God is truly flourishing. The more we enter into healthy, rewarding relationships with one another, the more the world is going to take notice of the gospel of Jesus Christ. In this day and time, relationships are key to effective evangelism.
My subject this morning is not evangelism per say, but something crucial to its success. How can we be the kind of friends that attracts people to Christ and attracts healthy relationships in our own lives?
To begin with, it must be properly valued and sought. We have a very effective system for placing value on material things. An appraiser can give you a very close estimate on the market value of your house. You can go on the internet and find out approximately what your vehicle would sell for. Stock values are constantly monitored so that you can know the real time value of your Microsoft stock, your Google stock, etc. But where is your relationship portfolio published. How closely are we monitoring the rise and fall of our social capital? There is an old saying in the Business world, “What gets measured gets done.” We measure financial increase. We measure educational accomplishments. We measure job success. But maybe we need a way to measure social capital. Maybe we need some way to measure the value of strong, vibrant, healthy relationships. When I consider the story of the Unibomber, I have to conclude that his investment in relationships relative to education was way warped. Are relationships getting the priority they deserve in your life? The principle of sowing and reaping apply here as well as in other areas of our lives. Sow bountifully and we reap bountifully. Sow sparingly and we reap sparingly. Sow good seed and we will have a good relational crop.
What kind of friends do you want to have? Most of us could rather quickly give an answer to that question. We want friends who are sincere, friends who are honest and loyal and genuinely interested in who we are and in our well being. But we must not overlook this general principle—as a general rule we will have the kind of friends that we are. “Birds of a feather flock together.” We will tend to connect with people who are like us—people who hold similar values and objectives in life.
So knowing that, where shall we begin? We begin not by changing the people around us, but by changes in our own hearts. The real beginning point is how can I be a true friend?
When we were pastoring in Texas, a single lady about thirty years old came to me requesting prayer. She had recently learned some truths about praying specifically. So she said to me, “Pastor, I want you to pray that God will give me a husband. I have some very high standards that I am believing God for.” She went on to tell to pray that he would look a lot like Brad Pit (not her exact words) and have the spirituality of a Billy Graham, with a good education, a hard worker, considerate, etc. I thought to myself, “Lady, you’re none of those things. How am I going to pray the prayer of faith for this? Would a just God do such a thing to that poor guy?” If we expect God to give us quality friends, we need to begin by discovering how to be a quality friend ourselves.
How can I be kind of friend that I would want to have as a friend?
1st Get to know the Ultimate Friend, Jesus Christ. Most of us here today have some experience in that realm. If you have ever opened your heart to Christ and committed your life to Him, you have met the Friend Who sticks closer than a brother.[4] You have met the perfect example of what a true friend is. Jesus said in John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” He has assured us in Heb. 13:5 “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” NKJV Our best opportunity to discover what a true friend is like is to look at Jesus as the perfect pattern.
Look at the way He related to Peter, to John, to Mary Magdalene, even to His enemies, even to Judas. There is so much that could be said about this but I must move on. Just make sure you know Him. Make sure you are “Looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith.”[5] Seek His guidance and wisdom in this matter as in others. “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” If you don’t know Him, He stands before you today with open arms inviting you to come to Him. If you need a friend, begin with Jesus.
I must move on to the next point, for it is the central thing God has laid upon my heart for this morning.
2nd Get reconciled with yourself. I don’t know of a better way to say it. But before we can expect others to receive us, we need to find a way to receive ourselves. Let me state the matter this way. My ability to open my soul to others and let them take a peek inside is directly related to my consciousness of who I am. If I don’t know myself, how am I going to allow others to know me? If I don’t like myself, how can I expect others to like me? So before I can be very effective in establishing healthy relationships with other people I need to get a healthy relationship with myself established.
How do we do that?
First, we get quite and still long enough to hear what’s going on inside. We are so addicted to noise and activity that most of us will not find that nearly as easy as it sounds. Can I stand to be with myself? Can I stand to hear the cry of my own soul and conscience? In his book, Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster lists Solitude as one of the key disciplines for spiritual growth. He opens that chapter with these words, “Jesus calls us from loneliness to solitude.” One paragraph later he writes, “Our fear of being alone drives us to noise and crowds.” The fear is subtle but real. We are afraid to look inside because we are not sure exactly what we will find. Will I find unresolved conflicts from the past still haunting my soul? Will my conscience bear witness against me and call me to a deeper level of repentance and cleansing? In a way this is perhaps one of the greatest adventures of life. I must shut off the noise outside. I must remove the outward activity and distractions. Then listen to what is happening within?
Take the journey. Hear the call to deal with pain previously avoided. Hear the call to confess and be healed. Hear the call to let the blood of Jesus do a deep cleansing of the conscience.[6] Then hear the Father say afresh, “You are mine. I have loved you with an everlasting love. You are accepted in the Beloved.”[7]
Only when I have dealt with the issues inside—only after I have risked confronting the secret places of my own heart—will I dare rise exposing myself in similar fashion to you.
But is not this the heart and soul of true friendship? If all I am after is superficial talk and surface relationships, then this is not a pre-requisite. But if I want relationships where the real me is known and loved by others, then this will have to happen. For I say it again, no one will risk opening his soul to others, if he won’t even risk looking at it himself.
The cry of the human heart goes beyond just be around people. Some of the loneliest times I have ever experienced were when I was in a crowd. The cry of our hearts is for others to know the real me, to hear my heart, to see me for who I really am—and with that knowledge love me and accept me. To be emotionally happy we have to have people, and it will likely only be a few, but people with whom we can speak from the center of our being. I want friends who are interested and what I’m saying from the depth of my soul. I want friends who are safe. I want friends who can hear my deepest struggles and empathize rather than criticize. And I think that is what others want as well. But part of the process required for having those kind of friends in our lives is to become one ourselves. That’s the process we’re talking about this morning.
Become reconciled to who you are in Christ. Find a way to get along with yourself and you’ve come a long way toward getting along with others.
Solitude and loneliness are two very different things.[8] I think sometimes we may avoid solitude because we do not understand the difference. Albert Einstein touched upon it when he said, “It is strange to be known so universally, and yet be so lonely.”[9] The kind of knowing we need goes deeper than what he was experiencing. Loneliness comes from the absence of personal intimacy.[10] It has little to do with how many people know our name.
Thomas Merton said, “It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers.”[11] We might add this statement, “It is in deep solitude that I find the grace to truly love myself or know God’s love for me.”
3rd Make genuine commitments to friends. I address that statement first by saying that every healthy relationship grows through a process of interaction. No one can manufacture a relationship and hand it to you. It must be “home grown” by you. It must be planted and watered and nurtured by your personal involvement. You can drive through McDonald’s and say, “Give me a Big Mac” and they can hand it to you in a matter of minutes. But relationships that are meaningful can never happen that way. In other words, we have to commit to the process. We have to invest in the process. And we have to allow the relationship to develop in a bionic way. Each phase of growth requires a new level of commitment on the part of both parties. Most will rise to a certain level and one or both parties will decide that is as far as he/she is willing to take it. Those choices must be honored. The minute we try to control the other person in any way whatsoever, we undermine the healthy development of the process. That’s why it’s so important to deal with our own inner needs and motives as a basis for the enlarged circle of relationship. If I am so unhealthy inside that I must control others, I need to go back and walk through the previous steps again.
What this means is that we will have a great variety of levels of friendships. Don’t try to make everybody be your best friend. Simply be a friend to people at the level you are both willing to walk in. I personally believe God is very involved in those strong, deep relationships that come into our lives. That process moved very quickly for David and Jonathan. Turn with me to 1 Sam 17:57-18:4 and lets read about what happened immediately after David slew Goliath.
“As soon as David returned from killing the Philistine, Abner took him and brought him before Saul, with David still holding the Philistine’s head. 58 "Whose son are you, young man?" Saul asked him. David said, "I am the son of your servant Jesse of Bethlehem."
18:1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. 2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father’s house. 3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.”
Jonathan and David became one in spirit. Their hearts were joined together in the purposes of God and in the way they valued one another. You can see the respect they had for each other which was discussed extensively last week. Now here is the mark of a true friend, “and he (David) loved him (Jonathan) as himself.” Jesus said, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” To the degree that is happening, true friendship is developing.
Now notice what Jonathan did in verses 3 & 4. “And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.” That covenant was made at a very high level of commitment. It is not the kind of commitment that should be entered into lightly. It carries with it an aspect of a vow that is not to be broken. But what we must see in this is that serious friendships are based upon commitment. Loyalty comes out of commitment. When a person is committed to you then you can count on them when the going gets rough. It is commitment that will get us through the differences in opinion. We live in a society that has discounted the importance of personal commitment. That’s one reason the relationship draught exists. Those who enter into relationships simply for what they can get out of them and then move on when something else looks better—those people will generally find themselves relationally bankrupt somewhere along the way. Prov. 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
This introduces my last point.
Consistently stand with your friends. That doesn’t mean that you agree with every thing they do. It doesn’t mean you flatter that person and just tell him what he wants to hear. Nobody can be a true friend and a flatterer at the same time. Prov 29:5 “Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet.” Flattery is manipulative and ultimately destroys the trust relationship. It is very different from sincere admiration and encouragement.
In a healthy friendship there may be times when thinking people have to honorably agree to disagree on a point. One difference of opinion should not destroy a relationship if people have proper respect for one another. There should be a free and honest exchange of ideas and views in a healthy relationship. One may persuade the other through sound reason. But no one should be forced to agree just to sustain the relationship.
There may be times when differences surface that are so significant that the relationship can not go to a deeper level of commitment. How can two walk together except they be agreed?[12] Different levels of friendship require different levels of agreement of certain values and goals. But even in those cases, if hearts are right, a respectful relationship can be sustained.
It takes grace to sustain lasting relationships. You will fail your friend at times and your friend will fail you at times. If a person has to be perfect to be your friend, you probably will have a hard time finding friends—because there not very many perfect ones out there. What do you do when your friend blows it? What would you do if your friend failed morally in some significant way? Would you stand over him with a critical eye pointing out how much he disappointed and hurt you? Or would you come along beside him and help him walk out of the defeat? It is possible to tell a friend that you disapprove of his failure and at the same time confirm your commitment to him as a person. Rejecting a behavior is not the same thing as rejecting a person. We must understand that difference if we are to enjoy lasting relationships.
When people are struggling in any area of their lives they need our support much more than they need us to point out their failures. They are usually painfully aware of the failure. We may have to speak the truth in love as we address that behavior. But that may be the time they need our friendship more than ever. That may be the time that they need us to come along beside them help them through the struggle.[13]
The motivation behind our relationships is of paramount importance. The relationship should be characterized by both parties seeking the welfare and highest good for the other. If we only enter into relationships to meet our own need, we will usually prove to be a very unreliable friend. The more each side invests in the other the deeper the relationship can go. And there are wonderful rewards when we have those kind of friendships. One of the great rewards of unselfish relationships is the sharing of victory together. Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.[14] The closer the personal bond between two individuals the more naturally that empathy occurs.
In 1887 Anne Sulivan came to help a little 7 year old girl learn.[15] Her name was Helen Keller and she had been unable to see or hear since she was 19 months old. The movie, “The Miracle Worker” tells their story. In the clip you are about to see Anne persists in her efforts to teach Helen. When the breakthrough of understanding comes (as Helen connects the word water with the reality of water) Anne experiences as much joy as her little friend, Helen does. Watch and see the reward of true friendship.
The Miracle Worker: Begin (Ch 24) 01:18:25 and End (Ch 25) 01:25:20[16]
Richard Tow
Grace Chapel Foursquare Church
Springfield, MO
www.gracechapelchurch.org
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[1] All biblical quotes are from New International Version unless otherwise indicated.
[2] Mike Hays, sermon entitled “Who Needs Friends” preached Feb. 1997 at Britton Christian Church in Oklahoma City, Okla. available at www.sermoncentral.com
[3] Joey Nelson, sermon entitled “Living with Loneliness...Even in a Crowd” preached Jan. 2003 available at www.sermoncentral.com
[4] Proverbs 18:24
[5] Hebrews 12:12
[6] Hebrews 9:14
[7] Jerm. 31:3; Eph. 1:6. Paul was able to say in Acts 24:16 “So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.”
[8] J. Oswald Sanders, Lonely But Never Alone. Drew quotes from http://gospel.com.net/rbcds/hp911
[9] Ibid
[10] Ibid
[11] Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipleship (San Francisco: HarperCollins Publishers, 1998) p. 108
[12] Amos 3:3
[13] The illustration of Derek Redman’s father helping him finish a 1992 Olympic race illustrates this well. For that story see page 5 of last week’s sermon entitled R.E.L.A.T.E.
[14] Romans 12:15
[15] For a brief biography go to www.afb.org/section.asp?SectionID=1&TopicId=129 I found it interesting that Alexander Graham Bell was instrumental is helping Anne Sulivan go to teach Helen Keller.
[16] Produced by Disney Corp. in 2000 with Hallie Kate Eisenberg as Helen and Alison Elliott as Anne; directed by Nadia Tass. This is not the 1962 version.
