Working with People
James 3:13-18[1]
9-4-05
Intro
Conflict on the job—have you ever dreaded going to work because of some conflict going on there? When people are getting along it’s not too bad; but it’s hard to work in an atmosphere of strife. It’s hard to be productive and keep your mind on the task. Have you ever been in a church where people were at odds with one another? That is a horrible experience. The very place where a person should be able to go and find peace instead becomes a battleground. The same thing can happen in a home—misunderstandings and disagreements arise between husband and wife or between parent and child. Life becomes almost unbearable when it is filled with unresolved conflict.
The Bible gives some advice to anyone who loves life and desires to see many good days. I think that would describe most of us here this morning. We desire to see many good days. Part of the advice in Psalm 34:14 is to “seek peace and pursue it.” The question that follows is how? How do I conduct myself in a way that could be characterized as seeking peace and pursuing it? Does it mean I become a wet noodle and let people run over me? No, I don’t believe the Bible tells us to do that. The examples of godly people in Scripture were not wet noodles or door mats. People like Abraham and Joseph and Daniel were people who pursued peace. But they were also people of strong personal conviction.
This morning I want us to go to the book of James and get some good, down to earth advice on how to manage conflict in our lives. What can we learn from James that will help us work well with other people?
1. James recommends that we ask God to give us wisdom. James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” For that prayer to work we have to recognize our need for wisdom. If we think too highly of ourselves we will lean upon our own understanding and that will not be sufficient for the challenges that we will face. Proverbs 26:12 asks “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” We must recognize our own insufficiency in this matter. We need to also recognize that God is the source of the wisdom we need. Education is helpful. Experience is helpful. But ultimately we must look to God for the answers.
Solomon made a good choice early in life when he asked God for wisdom. Later in life he failed to draw upon the wisdom available to him and made same big mistakes.[2] But in broad terms we should ask God to give us His wisdom. The context of James 1 is a person experiencing a difficulty or trail. The difficulty may involve conflict with other people like we’re talking about this morning. When we have a problem we should ask God specifically for wisdom concerning that issue. And the promise is that He will not belittle us for asking but will graciously grant our request. Do you have a specific problem that you are facing right now? A good beginning point is to ask God to give you wisdom in the solution of that problem.
2nd. James tells us to pay attention to this bit of advice. James 1:19 “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Isn’t it natural to do just the opposite of that? When we disagree with someone we usually want to speak and convince the other person of our point of view. But James says discipline yourself—make yourself slow down and listen before you speak. When you do that, two things happen. First, you just may find out something you didn’t know. And secondly, you communicate respect so that the other person will tend to mirror that and listen to you.
Many times issues of respect lie below the surface of a conflict. Just communicating respect in that way may resolve part of the conflict. I don’t agree with all of Stephen Covey’s theology but he states a principle very much in line with what we are talking about here in this verse. The principle is this: First, seek to understand; then seek to be understood.[3] Our tendency is to want to quickly convince the other person of our perspective. So we are prone to speak quickly. But James tells us to discipline ourselves and listen to the other person.
What about the anger issue? Do you count to ten? Do you go for a walk and then discuss it? Do you pray awhile first? Work on ways to be slow to anger. Why—James 1:20 “For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” Anger may get short term results; but it will never give us the quality of relationships and abundant life God wants us to enjoy. Proverbs 25:28 “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit Is like a city broken down, without walls.” (NKJV) There is a difference between denying your feelings and controlling your feelings. We can appropriately acknowledge our disappointment, our fears, and our anger. But that does not give us license to blow up and dump our negative emotions on other people. You reap what you sow. If you do that it will come back on you. So what was James’ advice? James 1:19 “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” That advice alone will reduce unnecessary conflict in people’s lives.
3. Be fair toward other people. I believe that one of the great ingredients to human relationships that has been terribly overlooked is a sense of justice. God is just and to be like Him we should be people who treat others justly. Micah 6:8 “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” I have found that people who have a sense of justice make great friends and those without that quality tend to simply use people. Have you ever tried to out give God? You can’t do it because He is just as well as merciful.
In James 2:1 the apostle simple says “...don’t show favoritism.” He is specifically talking about showing favoritism to the rich who may be in a position to help us in contrast to the poor who we don’t perceive as having the power to help us. This again is something that goes against our natural tendencies. We generally want to be friends with people that we perceive as having the power to advance us in some way or another. I remember a time when Jeanie and I were on our way to a denominational meeting. During the trip we both felt nauseous about the whole thing. The more we talked the more we realized that the feelings we were having were from the Lord. God was showing us His displeasure with the way we had fallen into the culture of those gatherings. Everyone was trying to develop relationships with those in power. And God was telling us that was not the way we were to behave. So we agreed that we would pursue and interact with those ministers who seemed to need us most and forget about the others. I can not tell you how much better we felt after that meeting. I would rather have God’s favor than anybody else’s—wouldn’t you?
4. We might summarize James’ advice in chapter 3 with these words:
Watch your mouth!
In James 3:5b he says “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also a fire...” How many conflicts are fueled by gossip or by rash words that escalate the negative emotions rather than work toward a solution? We can save ourselves a lot of unnecessary battles by simply keeping our mouth shut until we know what to say—slow to speak. Don’t say anything about another person that you are not prepared to say to that person’s face. You may have to. I came across this little reminder years ago that says it pretty well. “I’m careful of the words I say
to keep them soft and sweet.
I never know from day to day
which ones I’ll have to eat.”[4]
5. Make sure the wisdom you are operating in is godly rather than worldly.
In the text we read at the beginning of the service (James 3:13-18) James contrasts two kinds of wisdom. Ungodly wisdom is motivated by two things according to verse 14: bitter envy and selfish ambition. Zelon pikron is translated bitter envy by the NIV. I think Ropes’ translation of those words is very helpful and appropriate in this context—harsh zeal.[5] We Evangelical can be guilty of harsh zeal if we’re not careful. Harsh zeal may win an argument but it will never win a person. Ungodly wisdom is all about self—getting what I want, making others do what I want them to do, having my way—me, me, me. Phil 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” It’s amazing how many conflicts would go away if we operated out of that wisdom. Instead of thinking win/lose we think win/win.[6] In James 3:15 James describes ungodly wisdom as earthly (in other words it is natural, human wisdom inferior to godly wisdom), unspiritual (devoid of the Holy Spirit), and of the devil (”daimoniodes” instigated by demons).[7] What is the fruit of this kind of wisdom? Verse 16 says that where envy and selfish ambition are motivating people there will be “disorder and every evil practice.” People will be in conflict and in confusion.
In contrast to that the kind of wisdom God gives is
(1) pure—it doesn’t have hidden agenda or double motives. He’s not so much talking about moral purity as pure motives.
(2) peace loving – have you ever dealt with someone who seemed to thrive on conflict. I’ve known a few people who just weren’t happy unless they had some kind of turmoil going on. People with godly wisdom desire peace—not peace at any price—but they are peaceable and want to live in peace with other people.
(3) considerate- “epiekes”(-gentle, non-combative[8]
(4) submissive—open to reason, willing to yield[9] (not out of intimidation but out of a proper evaluation of the matter).
(5) full of mercy and good fruits—it’s not just talk; it’s godly action as well
(6) impartial—this goes back to what we talked about in chapter 2—fair and without prejudice.
(7) sincere- without hypocrisy, what you see is what you get.
All of this is similar to the fruit of the Spirit Paul gives in Galatians 5:22. You will know them by their fruit. It becomes evident which wisdom is dominating a person by the influence that person has on others. Does that person bring conflict and confusion or peace and right relations?[10]
In the first part of chapter 4 James tells us that selfish desire is the source of all kinds of conflict in people’s lives. “You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.” Somewhere in most conflicts is the perception that the other person is somehow standing in the way of what we want.[11] Rather than asking God and trusting God to take care of us we strive to get what we want and it causes lots of conflict.
6. Humble yourself. Every conflict is an opportunity for us to exercise humility.[12] Proverbs 13:10 “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Pride is only interested in winning the quarrel. Winning the person is more important and that may require some humility. When we stay prideful guess Who gets against us? James 4:6 “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” We may be right on the issue we’re arguing about. But if we are operating in pride we are wrong because of our attitude and God will resist us. “God opposes the proud...” The one person I sure don’t want opposing me is God. Amen?
Let’s take one last piece of advice from James before we close. It’s found in James 5:16
(7) Admit when you’re wrong and pray for each other. The NIV says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” I wonder how much physical and emotional sickness can be traced back to unresolved conflict. We do ourselves a big favor when we learn to ask forgiveness and grant forgiveness and move on in life.
Jesus said pray for those who persecute you and despitefully use you.[13] Remember He said pray “for” not “against” those people. We often want God to straighten out the other party but most of Scripture is directed at our own attitudes about the matter. He is no doubt working in that other person’s life. But He is speaking to you about what you’re going to do about the situation. Will you operate in worldly, self-centered wisdom or will you operate in godly character and wisdom?
Many here this morning already know this is the way we ought to function. Why don’t we do it? It is often because of unbelief. We try it and it doesn’t necessarily work in the short run so we go back to our old ways of doing things. The principles James is sharing with us in his epistle work over the long run. But they are not a quick fix. That’s why we’re told in James 1:6-8 to persevere and not be double-minded. If you will commit to functioning this way as a life-style you will find that your life will be blessed as a result. Many of you have discovered the value of tithing. Tithing is a lifestyle covenant with God. It is not a quick fix. If you’re finances are in a mess you can’t run out this week and fix it all simply by writing a tithe check. But over the long run people who tithe tend to be blessed financially and have their needs met. Many of you understand that when it comes to tithing. But the same is true when it comes to relationship principles. It’s when we operate in these principles as a life style that we enjoy abundant life in that arena.
How will you apply this message to your life? There’s no better time to begin than right now. Is there anyone you need to forgive this morning? Is there any conflict in which you need to humble yourself and forget about winning—concentrate on doing the right thing whether the other party does or not. What is God telling you to do in your relationships at this time of your life?[14]
TEXT: James 3:13-18
Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
(from New International Version)
Richard Tow
Grace Chapel Foursquare Church
Springfield, MO
www.gracechapelchurch.org
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[1] Text which was read at beginning of service is available at end of this manuscript. All Scripture quotes are from New International Version unless otherwise indicated.
[2] 1Kings 3:4-15; 11:1-43
[3] I think this was one of the principles in Steven Covey’s first book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
[4] Paul Lee Tan, Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations (Rockville, Maryland: Assurance Publishers, 1985) p.1425.
[5] Ralph Martin, James, Volume 48 in Word Biblical Commentary, David Hubbard and Glenn Barker, eds. (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1998) p.130
[6] My first exposure to this terminology came through Stephen Covey in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
[7] David Nystrom, James, The NIV Application Commentary, Terry Muck, ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1997), p. 208
[8] Ralph Martin, p. 134
[9] Ibid
[10] Absalom is a powerful example of someone operating in worldly, selfish wisdom. Joseph, in contrast, is an example of someone whose life might be characterized by godly wisdom.
[11] William Wilmot and Joyce Hocker, Interpersonal Conflict (New York: McGraw Hill, 2001) p.48
[12] See James 3:13 & 4:10
[13] Matthew 5:44
[14] In our first service we showed a video clip from the movie, “In Good Company,” (0:31:00 to 0:33:13) to illustrate conflict, personal insecurities and inappropriate behavior on the job.
