What Every Spouse Needs, Pt. 2
[Desperate Households]
Matthew 7:12
This message is for presentation to adults, due to subject matter.
Why learn to understand, appreciate, and fulfill one another’s needs?
• First, because you have an obligation to do so. Your spouse has made a vow to meet these needs only in the marriage relationship. They have nowhere else to (legitimately) go.
• Second, because if you don’t someone else may. (Not that this excuses adultery or makes the innocent party responsible). Any of us is vulnerable to temptation. If you want to protect your mate from temptation, you should meet their needs.
Why do husbands and wives often fail to meet their spouse’s deepest needs?
Selfishness and ignorance--Ignorance is the inability to understand and appreciate the other’s needs. Selfishness is an unwillingness to meet those needs. One is a heart problem, and the other is a head problem. One can be solved by information, the other only by repentance. But both must be addressed in order for the relationship to improve.
• Men and women have similar needs, but they rank them differently.
Top 5 Needs of Men and Women: [These are broad generalizations]
Men
Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration
Women
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial support
Family commitment
The woman’s greatest need: Affection
To a woman, affection represents security, protection, comfort, and approval. It is the essential cement of the relationship.
The husband’s greatest need: Sexual fulfillment
It is God’s will that a man be fully satisfied sexually with his wife.
Philip. 2:4
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
Matthew 7:12
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
New info:
The woman’s 2nd greatest need: Conversation
Unlike the need for sex, conversation is not a need that should be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can be ethically met by almost anyone. But since it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will be someone you may easily fall in love with. So it’s crucial to your marital happiness that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.
This need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable to both.
Ill.—Kimberly talks to the kids all day, and needs some ‘adult conversation’ w/ someone more on her level [you should pray for her if I’m to be that one! Just kidding ]. Some people set their kids in front of a talking stuffed animal or a video, but they too want someone who is thinking and conscious, and who they know genuinely loves them and thus talks to them!
Good conversation is characterized by the following:
(1) Using it to inform and investigate each other—this is the basics of survival, but it’s nearly 100% of what most couple do…just to get by!
(2) Focusing attention on topics of mutual interest—
My wife wants to hear about the ministry, but sometimes I overdo it, and she has to let me know I’ve ‘overestimated her interest’! Usually it’s the other way around.
(3) Balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk—
[Remember, it’s a 2 way street!] Have you ever not been able to find a pause in which to chime in? No wonder we interrupt so often. We shouldn’t be thinking about what we’re going to say next, but there SHOULD be enough pause there to consider and respond. Some ladies turn into a ‘dump truck’ as soon as the man walks in!
(4) Giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.
We fail to meet this need for conversation when:
(1) Demands are made—
If we start ‘running the show’ and ‘telling it like it is’ / ‘how it’s GONNA be’, it’s an immediate turnoff…we’re not showing teamwork and cooperation, but being a dictator.
(2) Disrespect is shown—
Name calling, insults, cursing, etc., all are major deterrents to conversation.
(3) One or both become angry—
Since the Bible says ‘be ye angry and sin not’, it means a couple of things:
• We will get angry at times, it’s unavoidable.
• It’s possible to be angry and not to sin.
How is this done? How do we keep our reaction from being a damaging over reaction? For many people, the answer is: don’t react. Not right now…simmer down, get all the facts, breathe, count to 100, rake the lawn, etc.
Proverbs says that “a soft answer turneth away wrath.” So, don’t take the bait, don’t react ‘in kind.’ Do the opposite. Surprise them by how cool you stay next time! The devil wants your conversations to snowball on you, but it takes 2 to comply w/ his request. 1 person is incapable of forming a major argument!
(4) When it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present—
Just as bad as getting hysterical is getting ‘historical.’ Deal w/ the present situation. Even a present mistake has already happened. Assigning blame is not important unless we’re trying to burden them down w/ guilt. We can constructively deal w/ the present situation and prevent it in the future, but only as a team, which means it’s not about blame or fault. We must together attack the problem, not the person!
Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not to talk to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That’s because we tend to prevent our spouse from having the chance to meet our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us.
Men and women don’t have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That’s a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other’s likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. It’s also a time when we’re highly focused on trying to get them to like us! So, ‘the way you get ‘em is the way you keep em.’
But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading. [“He’s already got me, now he’s off to conquer other things”. How sad!]
If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also should be able to expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk losing loving feelings if that need is not met during marriage.
Do you have a craving just to talk to someone? Do you pick up the telephone just because you feel like talking? If you see conversation as a practical necessity, primarily as a means to an end, you probably don’t have much of a need for it. But if you use conversation "just to talk," and enjoy conversation in its own right, and are frustrated when you haven’t been able to talk for a while, then consider it to be one of your most important emotional needs. Some ladies don’t get the conversation they crave, so they substitute someone else…maybe another lady, or a family member…maybe another man!
The man’s 2nd greatest need: Recreational companionship
Before you were married, chances are pretty good that you planned your dates around your favorite recreational activities. That’s because it’s an important emotional need. And since you wanted your relationship to flourish, you probably chose activities that you both enjoyed.
But you may have made the mistake of doing whatever the one with the greatest need for recreational companionship wanted to do.
Most couples make a crucial mistake after marriage -- they go their separate ways. He joins his friends in recreational activities he enjoys most and leaves his wife to find her own recreational companions for activities that interest her. That’s a formula for marital disaster. If someone else of the opposite sex joins either of you in your favorite recreational activities, you are at risk to fall in love with that person. Besides, if you are not together when you are enjoying yourselves the most, you are squandering an opportunity to grow closer and more in love.
Fortunately, Kimberly and I took the path that led to marital fulfillment. We talked about it and compromised, and exchanged activities that only I enjoyed for new activities that we both enjoyed. She decided to give my interests a chance, too, and so we remained each other’s favorite recreational companions after marriage even though most of our recreational activities changed. And it’s a good thing, because recreational companionship is definitely one of my most important emotional needs.
Think about it for a moment in terms of a ‘Love Bank’. How much do you enjoy certain activities, and how many ‘love bucks’ would your spouse be depositing whenever you enjoyed them together? What a waste it would be if someone else got credit for all those love bucks. And if it were someone of the opposite sex, it would be downright dangerous.
Who should get credit for all those love units? The one you should love the most, your spouse. That’s precisely why I encourage couples to be each other’s favorite recreational companions. It’s one of the simplest ways to deposit love units.
The need for recreational companionship combines two needs into one. First, there is the need to be engaged in recreational activities and second, the need to have a companion.
Guess what! God wants you to recreate…do things w/ His creation. Guess what else! He has given you a primary companion. This is not to say you don’t sometimes do things w/ others, but rather that you do MORE w/ your help meet than w/ anyone else!
A guy wants his ‘woman’ by his side…to show her off, to show he’s complete and not alone.
Both partners need to get away sometimes:
Divert Daily – Withdraw Weekly – Abandon Annually
Summary:
Men spell Romance this way:
Sex and Recreation
Women spell Romance this way:
Affection and Conversation
Put all 4 together and it compliments one another very well, and romance thrives!
[Based on “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr]
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http://gbcdecatur.org/sermons/WhatEverySpouseNeeds.html
