TITANIC: KEEPING ROMANCE AFLOAT
Reel Relationships - Week 2
Revelation 2:4-5
INTRODUCTION: (Video Clip montage from Titanic - mpeg 2:58)
It was that tragic, true story that served as the backdrop for the blockbuster film Titanic, which steamed past all other movies to become the top grossing movie of all time. It earned $601 million. It was the #1 movie in America for 13 weeks in a row. Thousands of people returned to see Titanic two, four, ten times, and they didn’t return to see a big ocean liner sink in icy waters. (Oops, sorry if I ruined the end of the movie for you.) No, they returned because of the romance. They returned because there was something about being embraced; to have someone’s arms around you as you stood on the bow of the ship of life, to know that you are loved beyond reason, as in the case of Jack and Rose.
As tragic as the sinking of the Titanic was, over 1,500 lives lost, you can multiply that number a million times over and record the death toll of marriages. So many couples began this maiden voyage called marriage with great excitement; vows were exchanged, cake was eaten, people danced, rice, balloons, joy filled the air. The new ship called “Wedlock,” felt strong, invincible, unsinkable. But along the way, something happened, the excitement wore off and now it’s a struggle to keep romance afloat, in fact for many it now feels like the whole thing is going down.
Maybe you’re a bit like the guy who discovered this half crumpled note written by his wife to her best friend trying to express what was going on in her life and marriage Listen to what she wrote and he found. “We were so in love when we got married. It was nothing for us, in those early days, to sit and talk for hours. Even when we weren’t speaking there was a sense that we knew what the other was feeling. It’s hard to know when we really grew apart. His job became more and more demanding, and I was always with the kids, and it may have been that I gave them too much attention, and he felt excluded. But looking back, I honestly feel, that if I hadn’t been speaking to them, I wouldn’t have been talking to anybody. He comes home so tired, he can hardly say hello, let alone tell me about his day, or even pretend to be interested in mine. I hate it. I long to speak to him. Sometimes, for a moment after we made love, I would believe he felt close to me, and as we’d lay there, I would begin to tell him so much of what I’d been longing to say. But so often as I would begin to share my heart, I would realize that he had already fallen asleep. And then a strange thing happened. Somehow, I just learned to live without him. It was as if something inside me shriveled up and died.”
Now, if you happen to be standing on either end of a note like that, or feelings like that, I think God wanted you here today. Instead of drifting apart, instead of shriveling up and dying somewhere on the inside, God’s desire is that your love would increase, even overflow for each other. So how do you keep romance afloat? We all realize that marriage is not always smooth sailing. There are storms to negotiate, there are icebergs to navigate along the way. So, this morning, I want to give you some navigational tools for keeping romance afloat.
These tools are straight from Jesus, some words that he said to a church in the book of Revelation. In the Bible the church is referred to as Jesus’ bride, and I want you to listen to what Jesus says to the church in Ephesus, a church that was going through the motions of devotion, but lost their sacred romance with God. Rev. 2:4-5: “I have this against you. The love you had at first is gone. Remember how far you have fallen. Repent, and change he way you think and act. Return to me and do what you did at the first.” Now, literally that verse is speaking directly to people who have drifted away from God, but I also believe it contains a very simple formula for recovering passion & maintaining love in any relationships. Did you see the 3 things that we can keep romance afloat? Three simple words; remember, repent, and return.
I. REMEMBER:
The first thing Jesus says is, “Remember how far you have fallen.”Probably just like you, we have pictures all over our refrigerator. When we built our house we talked about whether we should get a white, black, or stainless steel refrigerator? You know what? It wouldn’t matter! Especially now that we are grandparents! It’s covered with pictures. And do you know what I love about that? Every time I go to the frig, which is often, I look at those pictures, and I see so many things that I value.
Remember how far you’ve fallen, like seeing your life as this DVD, skip back to scene one; scene two, think back to some of the cherished memories you have; it can really help rekindle romantic feelings. Do you remember the first date you ever had with your spouse? Do you remember the first time you held hands? Where were you when you had your first kiss? The first time you said, “I love you.” Remember when you first met her parents, how nervous you were? Remember those things?
I remember her as a Cheerleader, cheering for me as I played basketball. I remember picking out the ring. I remember planning the proposal. I remember the wedding, the honeymoon! I remember coaching and breathing with her as she went through labor to bring our three children into the world. I remember standing with her and praying when our first child, Marlo, at 12 was diagnosed with a possible brain tumor. I remember holding her at the death of her father and later her mother. I remember the joy of hearing just a few weeks ago that we were grandparents - twice! I remember those things, and when I rewind them, and I reminisce, I remember how hight I’ve been, it makes me fall deeper in love with Deb. There’s something about a shared history that binds you together. So, here’s an assignment. Recall it together, sit down, talk it through. Remember the height from which you’ve fallen.
Some of you might be saying, “Yeah, Smith, it’s easy for you to say, but we’ve fallen so far, there’s no possible way to climb back up.” You’re wrong. I’ve seen it happen hundreds and hundreds of times in my ministry. I’m thinking of a couple from our church in Florida. She had an affair and their romance boat was sinking fast, I mean, divorce was imminent. But they went to a Christian counselor, and this wise counselor got them reminiscing about their life, and as they talked they finally said, “Do we really want to throw all this away?” And they started serving each other like they had before. They started praying together like they did before. They started meeting each other’s needs selflessly and they righted their ship. Remember the height from which you’ve fallen, and believe that the Lord can lift you back up. Jesus said, “Humanely speaking, no one can do this but with God, nothing is impossible.”(Mt. 19:26 SEB)
II. REPENT
The second thing Jesus said to this church, and he’d say to us about keeping romance alive is, “Repent, and change he way you think and act. Repent... repent of your own stuff.” So many people in relationships try to change the other person. Reminds me of the young fiancé who, after learning that her husband to be didn’t believe like she did, cried to her mother saying, “Mom, what should I do? How can I change his thinking? He says he doesn’t believe in hell?” The Mother said, “Honey, that’s alright, you marry him and both of us will make him believe in hell.” We point our fingers at each other and say, “If they would only change.” In fact, if truth were told, that’s why some of you came today. Some of you are sitting there right now thinking: “Say something that will make him change. Say something that will really get under her skin.” You may have already elbowed him or her once or twice!
Listen, growing marriages are made up of two growing people. A relationship is only as good as the two individuals that make it up, and nothing in a relationship helps more than when you shine a spotlight on your own stuff; your own flaws, your own weaknesses, your own baggage, your own issues. As you understand what makes you tick, as you begin to resolve your own issues, then your capacity to love, your capacity to forgive, your capacity to be honest, and your capacity to solve problems begins to grow. Why? Because starting with yourself is the best thing that you can do for any relationship, because you become interested in bringing a better person to the relationship. You!
Please hear this. Even if your mate isn’t into dealing with himself, or herself, your own example of dealing with your own stuff will often do something to spur them on. Health breeds health. What you do individually really, really matters to the relationship. Now, when I use the word repent, some of you may wonder what that word means. Well, in the Bible, the word repent literally meant an about face. It was a travel word that meant a shift in your direction. I’ve been walking this direction, now I’m going to turn, do an about face, a 180, and walk in a whole new direction. For each individual it’s about a shift in thinking, a shift in attitude. It’s owning up to the fact that you were going in the wrong direction, and you need to change. It’s owning your own stuff. That’s what repentance is. It’s saying, “You know what? I want to own my own stuff here, and I want to come to this relationship, not accusing, but owning up to what I’ve done wrong.”
You know, there have been some cheesy lines in romantic movies over the years. In fact, a survey in late 2004 asked for the top cheesy lines. Ghost made it where Sam is going off into heaven and says, “I love you, Molly. I’ve always loved you,” and she responds with that deep reply, “Ditto.” Another winner was Dorothy saying to Jerry Maguire, “You had me at hello.” But the top cheesiest line in any romantic movie was from 1970 - Love Story. Jenny says to Oliver, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” How stupid is that? That may be the lamest line in all motion picture history. Never saying sorry? Why love means you’re willing to say you’re sorry, again and again. Your willing to say, “Forgive me. I was wrong. I’m trying to own up to my own stuff.”
I don’t know what you need to repent of, but maybe you need to repent of the drivenness that keeps you away from home. Maybe you need to repent of a critical spirit that’s crushing your mate. Maybe you need to repent of stinginess, or of a selfish attitude, or a domineering spirit, or maybe unfaithfulness, maybe abuse. Whatever it is that keeps you from doing the things you know that you ought to do to make your romance stay alive. Repent, do an about face.
You know what sunk Titanic? It wasn’t an iceberg. It was pride. It was arrogance. They had all kinds of warning signs, but it was “unsinkable,” and pride will do that in your relationship. Don’t let pride sink your romance. Look what it says in 1 Peter, chapter 5:5- Let’s read it out loud together: “God sets Himself up against the proud, but he shows favor to the humble. So, humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in His good time, He will honor you.” “Remember the height from which you’ve fallen, repent of your own stuff;”and one more thing.
III. RETURN:
“Return to me and do what you did at the first.” Return to the basics. I’ve been married for 32 years this coming May, and I may not be the most romantic guy in the world, but I have learned a few basic things that keep romance alive and fresh and I want to share them with you as we close.
The first one is: Work on your romantic creativity. That’s the opposite of boring. That’s just basic. I mean, when you live with the same person for a number of years, it is easy to find yourselves stuck in a rut. Familiarity can breed complacency, if not contempt. It’s incredible how we trade in romance for a recliner, isn’t it? We have to be creative in breaking the routine so we don’t lose our passion. It takes work. Now, I need to say a word to the guys. Fella’s, let’s be honest, there’s a whole lot of us in this room that struggle with romantic stuff. We just do. I mean, guys, most of us need help on this. Why even the motion picture industry understands that guys struggle.
{Video Clip - montage of Napolean Dynamite, Hitch and Family Man - Mpeg - 5:23}
And it’s time for some of us to get the “hang of it.” Guys let’s make a commitment today to really work on this. Guys did in the Bible! Check this out from Song of Solomon. Here’s a husband talking to his wife. Some creative, romantic lines straight from the Bible. Song of Solomon 4:1-7: “How beautiful you are, my beloved. How beautiful.” Not bad. “Your eyes behind your veil are like doves. Your hair falls in waves like a flock of goats frisking down the slopes of Gilead.” (Goats were treasured in Israel) “You’re lips are like a ribbon of scarlet. Oh, how beautiful is your mouth. Your cheeks behind your veil are like pomegranate halves, lovely and delicious. Your neck is as stately as the tower of David,(a tower made of ivory). Your breasts are like twin fawns of a gazelle feeding among the lilies.” Ok, I won’t comment on that one. But hey, it’s from the Bible. I don’t write these. I just read them.
Now, none of us really talk like that, but that’s the problem. People in a marriage relationship, especially women, want to feel treasured. Now, I can hear some guy saying, “Hey, I don’t do that.” But you can, and you better. And it doesn’t have to cost a thing. A simple note. Here’s something you can do.. Take a couple of 3x5 cards and write some good stuff on them. Like, “My life would be nothing without you.” -or- “I can’t believe you love me.” “I’m so lucky to have you.” Then hide the cards. In the silverware drawer, tape one in the corner of her dresser mirror, just let her find them as a surprise. Think! Be creative. I’ve learned that some of the best romantic moments are the simplest. A phone call in the middle of the day; a wink across a crowded room; holding her without expecting anything in return; planning a date night and guarding it with your life, complimenting her in front of others. The Bible says that love begins when a person finds another person’s needs to be more important than their own. Return to the basics of romantic creativity. You did it when you dated... you can do it again!
The next one is real simple, real basic. Work on your intimate communication. Talk to each other. How basic is that? Talk. When you first started out, you talked all the time. You communicated deeply and said some things that were in the core of your heart; great conversations; vulnerable conversations; ones that took you deep into each other’s world, and maybe now there’s little communication going on. You kind of got in a rut of not talking about anything that really matters, and there’s this creeping seperativeness between the two of you.
Talking is one of the most intimate things you can do in a relationship. Look at Prov. 20:5. “The purposes of the human heart are deep waters. Those who have insight draw them out.” It’s saying, “Wade in deep. Take the risk in another person’s life and try to draw out what’s on the inside.” Intimacy develops when you talk. If you don’t talk, your romance will never develop. Carve out time, even if you’ve got little kids, schedule it, carve out a time when just the two of you can talk about deep things. Carve out 20 minutes when you can sit across from each or hold each other and just talk about your day, about the little things that you are experiencing.
One last thing. One last basic. Work on your spiritual connection. I’m not giving you this last because it’s of last importance. I’m giving it to you last so you’ll walk out of here and remember this one, because this is the ball game right here, in my estimation. When Jesus wrote that letter to that church in Ephesus; to his bride, and he said, “The love you had at first is gone.” The emphasis in that verse is not on the word “love” but on the word “first.” Jesus is saying, “You’ve lost your love of first importance.” He’s saying, “If you’re relationships are going to work, you’ve got to love me first.” Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all our soul, with all your strength. Proverbs 19:22 says, “What a person desires is unfailing love.”Isn’t that true from your experience? That’s what we all desire, is an unfailing love, and that’s were a lot of relationships get in trouble. They expect an imperfect, fallible human being to give them an unfailing love. That’s setting the relationship up for disaster.
There’s only one place to find an unfailing love. I think I’ve drawn this little illustration with every couple I’ve ever done pre-marital counseling with. I usually just draw a triangle like this. I put a husband over here, and I put a wife over here, and I say, “What’s going to be at the top of your relationship? What are you both going to be going after?” Some people will say, “Well, my job, my career is something that I’m going to be growing toward, or I’m going to be all about kids.” Let me tell you something. God must be at the top of your relationship, This is the way it works. When a husband goes up and a wife goes up, as they individually grow closer to God, look what happens; they grow closer together, and when you meet at the top, that’s sweet. I’m telling you that, not because I’m a preacher who’s supposed to say stuff like this. I’m telling you as a husband; a fallible, failure of a husband for 32 years. I found this to work. You grow close to God, you return to your first love, and as you return to your first love, you grow closer together, and look what it says in Psalm 32:10. “The Lord’s unfailing love surrounds those who trust Him.”(NCV) The divorce rate in our country is still hovering close to 50%. But Harvard University did a study that found that those couples who read the Bible, pray together and attend church together, their divorce rate was 1 out of 1,287.* That’s less than 1%! Which odds do you want? Grow close to God and find His unfailing love for your relationship. Remember, repent, and return.
I want to close with a prayer. Would you take your spouse by the hand?
“Lord, I just want to thank you for your unfailing love, and I pray that every couple here, every person here, would open up their hearts and bow before you, and express our gratitude to you, Lord, I pray that you would fill us up with hope. I pray that you would fill us up with an unfailing love for each other. Help us to remember where we’ve been. Help us to have the courage to repent of our own stuff and help us to return to you. Lord, teach us how to love like you. In the name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.
*www.pastors.com and www.marriage.net
{Scripture used from Holy Bible - translations as noted}
{Video mpeg used in this message is available}
