WAR OF THE WORLDS: DIFFERENT BY DESIGN
Reel Relationships - Week 3
Genesis 1:26-27, Jeremiah 31:3
INTRODUCTION: (Montage video clip from War of the Worlds - Mpg = 2:24)
That movie, War of the Worlds, is based on the best selling novel by H.G. Wells. The movie actually did very well at the box office. It is currently ranked in the Top 50 of all time. And although Steven Spielberg who directed it, and Tom Cruise it’s star, made it a very intense film, the reaction by audiences to it was nothing compared to the radio version of H.G. Well’s story in 1938. On Oct. 30, 1938 Orson Wells broadcast a version of War of the Worlds to an unsuspecting audience. It was done in a fashion that made people believe it was really happening. A meteor fell at Grovers Mill, NJ and Carl Phillips, a reporter tells the audience what he sees and what he hears.
{Play excerpt from War of the Worlds - 1:24}
People, especially in New York and New Jersey, heard this broadcast and thought this was really happening. People fled to their cellars, they loaded guns. Thousands of calls flooded police stations, hospitals and radio stations asking how they could flee the city or protect themselves from the aliens. People ran from their homes with their faces covered by wet towels to protect them from poisonous gas. Scores of adults were treated for hysteria and shock.
Now, we shake our heads at that but often times when we’re in a relationship with a friend, a colleague, a person that we’re dating, a spouse, we start thinking that because they’re so different, “I’m experiencing an alien invasion here. This person is from another planet. I don’t get them.” And we too sometimes panic and say things or do things that are contrary to the norm. But we need to realize that God made us as complex creatures, that He made us to be so different from each other. And no matter how hard, like in our drama, we’d like to make the other person the way we want, we can’t. People are different and it’s our differences that create wars in our relational worlds. And nowhere do those alien invasions become more evident than between men and women in marriage. So, today as we continue our series, we’re going to focus on this War of the Worlds, these differences that divide us.
Let’s face it. Men and women are just so different from each other. For instance, just look at your fingernails right now. Women are looking. Many of them have these beautiful painted nails. A lot of us guys have been biting our fingernails, you know, there’s dirt underneath, and did you notice when I said, “Look at your fingernails,” how many of you women went like this? How many of you men went…? We’re just different. So, let’s see if we can shed some light on these differences and in doing so, understand each other better and thus build stronger bonds. First, let’s look at:
I. UNDERSTANDING OUR DIFFERENCES:
Read this verse with me from Genesis 1:27. “So God created people in his own image. God patterned them after himself; male and female, he created them.” God created man and woman, it says both patterned after Himself. So, we are both very much alike in some ways. Both equally important and valuable, both equally loved by God, but it also it says He made them different. He made one male, and one female. And no matter your marital status there are some universal or kind of “hard-wired” differences that God created in men and women.
God created us emotionally different. All you got to do is look at our likes and dislikes, for example in movies. Men tend to like action, shoot ‘em ups, or Sci Fi - Star Wars - adventure, blood & guts or crass humor type movies. Women tend to like sensitive, weepy, someone’s dying of a disease, kind of love story, type movies. Guys tend to quote movie lines! Am I right? While, generally women are left wondering how they can remember a line in a movie yet forget a birthday. Maybe that’s why one study says that we are different in our TV watching habits. Women are more loyal to one program where they can build a relationship with the characters. Men are "channel- changers" going from one channel to the next, so we don’t miss anything!
God created us physically different. All you have to do is look in a Biology 101 textbook to remind you of that. We have different body parts. We have different levels of testosterone and estrogen traveling through our bodies. There is now scientific evidence that men and women use their brains differently. They tend to think differently when confronted with similar stimuli.
God created us verbally different. Generally, women are much better conversationalists than men. Gary Smalley related a survey of 2 - 4 yr old children who were recorded at play. Almost 100% of the little girl sounds were verbal expressions, talking to each other or to their dolls. While 40% of the little boys sounds were unintelligible- “Vroom, Vroom, Eeeeee,” as they played with their cars or things that make noise. In fact studies show that women, on average, speak up to 10-12,000 more words a day than men. That explains ladies why you are frustrated when at the end of the day your man won’t talk to you. They can’t! They’ve used up their quota for the day; you’ve got a few more thousand yet to give.
God created us sexually different. A man’s sexual drive is often like a light switch. It can be turned on very quickly. A woman’s sexual drive is like an iron. It takes a while to warm up. Gary Smalley says it’s like comparing a microwave and a crock-pot when it comes to different sex drives.
But, you see, what makes relationships so exponentially complicated, is not just male and female differences, but the same God, who in one cubic foot of snow makes 18 different snowflakes that are completely different from each other, also makes every person on the face of the Earth different from all the other billions of people on the face of the Earth. Job 10:8 says, “Your hands, God, shaped me and made me.” That’s referring to the fact that God shaped you and made you unique from every other human being. If we’re going to get along, we’re going to have to learn to appreciate the differences that God gave us, see those differences as a gift, not a curse.
II. EXPLORING OUR DIFFERENCES:
So, for the next few moments I want us to explore some of the differences that are not necessarily “hard-wired,” that is, tied to your physical makeup or gender. Some of our more pronounced differences are in the way we see or react to things. So, let’s take a moment to explore these differences. Now, don’t make the mistake of thinking that every person is only one way or the other as we discuss these. There will be some “exceptions to the rule,” but there are some primary or average differences that are pretty clear between couples. Might want to put names by each of these as we go.
For instance, are you wired more to be an initiator, or responder? Initiators like to go after whatever they want; they like to take risks; they are very confident; they like to lead a charge; they like to create change, not just go with the flow. Initiators don’t even mind a little conflict because they are so focused at initiating. If you are an initiator, you probably want to take a pass on a job at the library. You’ll go nuts sitting around waiting for people to hunt down their books and bring them to you. Not the way an initiator works. No. You want a certain book? They’ll get a search and rescue party together and go out and get that book for you! Responders on the other hand are much more comfortable letting the challenges of life just kind of flow to them. Responders are usually more comfortable playing on a team, rather than leading a team. While an initiator says, “He who hesitates is lost,” a responder says, “You’d better look before you leap.” Now, how would you think of yourself, or that alien in your world? Initiator, or responder?
Here’s a second area; extrovert or introvert. This difference becomes very clear at sporting events. There are definitely extroverts in the crowd, and there are introverts in the crowd. Now, who would you guess likes to sit in the bleachers? The extroverts, right? I mean, they’re hanging over the wall. They’ve got shirtless bellies with things painted around their navels, they’re yelling, cajoling, and they make personal comments to the umpires throughout the game. They are the extroverts. Then you look, scattered throughout the crowd you would see people keeping stats on the game. They’ve got their eyes only on the game or their head down and they’re charting everything. They’ve got headphones on. You might think they’re pretending to listen to the game from an announcer, but they’re just trying to communicate, “Please don’t talk to me.” They’re an introvert. Introverts and extroverts are wired totally differently. Extroverts derive their energy from interacting with people. I mean, they love a party. They love to have parties at their house. They love to have so many people at their house that the windows are fogging up because it’s so much fun. An extrovert is absolutely pumped by being with people. But introverts derive their energy from being away from people. An introvert likes nothing better than just a quiet night at home, curled up with a good book, watching a good movie. They love people, but being around people wears them out. After interacting with people, they need some down time to recuperate and recharge their relational batteries. Could some of your relational wars be growing out of the fact that you’ve got an extrovert versus and introvert? Which one are you?
Here’s a third area; thinker or feeler. Thinkers tend to lead with their head. Things are often very black and white to a thinker. Thinkers try to figure out what’s right, what’s fair, what’s practical, what’s biblical, what’s profitable. They a lot of times without regard for feelings. They think about feelings, they just don’t have any. Now, feelers, on the other hand, lead with their heart. They like things to be grey. Feelers wonder how a course of action is going to make them feel, how it’s going to make others feel, what it impact them emotionally. Feelers put feelings ahead of logic. Now, again, which are you? Which one of these is your alien? When you deal with an issue, is it natural for you to lead with your head, or lead with your heart?
One other area; detailed or dreamer. Dreamers love being unstructured. They’re spontaneous, make it up as you go, play it by ear type people. They like work places that have loose hours, and very little paperwork. They have cell phones, they just can’t find them. They are great idea people. In fact, it’s that lack of structure that helps them think outside of the box, and leaves detailed people going, “I never would have thought of something like that.” On the other hand, detailed people are very structured. Detailed people keep the PDA industry in the “black”every year. They like to organize stuff to oblivion. Curve balls are very uninvited guests to their game of life. It’s probably not best to plan a surprise get away weekend in Vegas if you’re married to a person who is detailed or highly structured.
And there are others too, like spender or saver, collector or tosser, scurrier or ambler? And I don’t know about your problems in your relational world, or your marriage, but when Deb and I go through these categories: initiator vs feeler, introvert vs extrovert, initiator vs responder, detailed vs dreamer, we are different from each other in every single category, and honestly, Deb will vouch for me here.. in our first couple years of marriage; we’ve been married over 32 years now; but in our first couple years of marriage, it felt like the war of the worlds. There were a lot of times, when we were in the heat of a conflict, we wondered why the other was not “normal” like we were? We wondered what kind of alien we married.
You say, “Well, how did you make it? What did you have in common?” I’ll tell you. We were both committed Christ-followers. We both loved God, and were committed to Him, and over the years because of that commitment, it’s cemented our relationship. It’s that commitment to Him that’s helped us learn how to celebrate our differences; instead of going to war over them, how to appreciate our differences; instead of being defeated by them. So, let’s close by talking about:
III. CELEBRATING OUR DIFFERENCES:
With our time remaining, I want to get very practical about how we can normalize, even celebrate the differences with the aliens in our lives. If people aren’t normal like you, how do you normalize the relationship? How do you make peace with this war of two worlds
Here’s the starting point. We must see each other accurately, and maybe a better way to say that would be, start to see the other person in the way God sees them. Remember, he created this person. God’s love for people is not limited by personality type. God’s love for them is not limited by the way they are wired, or a particular skill, or a talent. God’s love is not limited by anything. So, what we need to do is begin to see our “alien” through God’s eyes. You see, God doesn’t see one person as normal and the other as abnormal. He just sees them as different. It’ll be a good day for you when instead of seeing your mate’s differences as a declaration of war, you see them as a compliment to you as a team. You know if everyone on a baseball team was a catcher.. Who would pitch? Who would be fast enough to hit lead-off? It’s the differences that make a team great. IF... you’ll see them as a compliment to you instead of a competitor. Now, if you are interested in going further with this let me give you a web site to visit: www.dnaofrelationships.com and click on “assessments” at the top of the page. You’ll find tests for personality, marriage and you’ll find a wealth of resources.
Now, once you gain an understanding of your alien in your relational world, that understanding ought to lead you to communicate empathetically, and what I mean by that is talking and listening with an awareness of how your alien is wired. How and why they might see the same situation that you’re looking at through a different lens; how your choice of language might inadvertently be damaging for them to hear. Psalm 34:12 says, “Do any of you want to live a life that is long and good? Then watch your tongue. Keep your words from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Work hard at living in peace with others.” Living empathetically means you watch your tongue. You don’t lie by exaggerating; you don’t raise the tension by using dead-end phrases like: “you always,” or “you never.” You don’t assassinate character, don’t defame, don’t intentionally hurt. Someone said, “You’re never persuasive, when you’re abrasive.” It’s true isn’t it? Listen, when you’re dealing with people who are wired differently than you, you’ve got to communicate empathetically. Before you speak think about how they are wired.
Third, is something I think needs some clarity. Aim at reconciliation, not resolution. There’s a big difference between these two. Reconciliation means that you restore the relationship. Resolution means that you resolve every single issue. To normalize relationships between people who are different in a thousand different ways, you may not be able to resolve every single issue, but that’s okay. You’re never going to agree on everything, because God made you unique, and so to get through life, you have to aim at reconciliation, not resolution of every little issue. The Apostle Paul understood that. He wrote in Phil. 3:15-16 - “All of us who are mature should think this way. If you find that you think differently on something let God make it clear to you. Just make sure you keep headed in the same direction, loving God and loving each other.”(SEB) A lot of times there are just legitimate, honest differences between husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, colleagues and friends, and even those differences aren’t always resolved. Reconciliation says, “This person is more important to me than the difference that we’re having.”
Now, there’s one final thing that’s helped us, and I think if there’s nothing else that you take from this message, my prayer is that you take this home. Remember what life is ultimately about. We get off track on this one so many times. We make success the thing that life is all about. We make money the thing that life is all about. We make popularity and achievement the thing life is all about. We make pleasure the thing life is all about. Listen, from the moment that God made the first human being, the thing that life has always been about is relationships; real relationships.
Let me tell you the story of Chris. Chris was in his mid-thirties, married and living in Pennsylvania with his wife and two high energy little boys. Chris was always physically fit, ate a healthy diet, but one day he went to the Doctor because of some pains he was having. That led to another Doctor, and another and he was diagnosed with a rapidly moving and deadly cancer. His only hope, really, was a miracle. A short time after he got his diagnosis, he emailed a colleague of mine these profound words. He wrote, “I had an interesting conversation with a University of Pennsylvania chemo nurse today. She said they treat several hundred patients each week. I asked her if she got to know the patients. She said, ‘Definitely.’ I said, ‘I imagine many don’t make it,’ and she said, ‘That’s correct,’ and she’d talked about how it was the hardest when people who she thought had time went suddenly. She’s been a nurse for 15 years, 10 years working with cancer patients. I was surprised to learn from her that many terminal cancer patients don’t face the reality that they may die, and stay in a state of, ‘It’s not going to happen to me.’ That reality surprised me and reminded me of something I read in a little book title, Tuesdays with Maury. It’s about a college professor who’s slowly dying of Lou Gehrig’s Disease. This professor meets with his former professor, Maury, each Tuesday to discuss various topics of life. In the chapter on death, he makes an interesting comment, ‘Everyone knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently. ’”
Let that sink in. “Everyone knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently.” Chris wrote: “Something that’s really been made clear to me through my cancer experience is that I’m going to die. And so, when I think about what matters to me now, it is my relationships; my relationship with God through Jesus, and my relationships with my wife, my boys and with others. Beyond that, everything is trivial. It’s through this realization I am finding more meaning, joy, and excitement in my life with cancer, than I ever did when I didn’t know I had it. Believe it. Do things differently. Your friend, Chris.”
Chris’ miracle never came, he died at 37 but with his relational world intact. He got it. He got it about the fact that life is really about relationships. When the two of you in your marriage understand that you will be amazed at how love will grow and how you will tolerate the others differences. Take it from two people who are very different but who have turned the war of the worlds into a loving, lasting 32 years.
And you know what? The fact that life is all about relationships is the story of the Bible. It’s how God worked in history to restore our relationship; that “war of the worlds” going on between human beings and God to restore the relationship with people who He created to love. Jesus knew this, and that’s why He said in Mt. 22:37 the great commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” And then he said the second most important thing was “Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.” (LB) You see, it’s all about relationships.. With God and with others. Please don’t wait another year or years to figure that out. Don’t wait until you’re in a cancer ward to figure that out.
You see, in human relationships, we never get it perfect. There’s no perfect marriage, no perfect work environment, no perfect friendship. We never get it perfect, and hopefully, in maybe some of the things we’ve given today will help us get them better, but we never get them perfect. There is only one perfect relationship that we can have in our lives, and it’s with the God who made us. Jeremiah 31:3 God says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” Everlasting. It goes on to say, “With an unfailing love I’ve drawn you to myself.” That’s what God’s love is.. Everlasting, unfailing. So, when relationships are tough, remember you have a relationship that is perfect; a relationship that will never fail you; that will never let you go for God says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.”
{Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation unless otherwise noted.}
{Video mpegs amd audio wave file mentioned in this message are available}
