SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY: COPING WITH CONFLICT
Reel Relationships - Week 4
Romans 12:17, Psalm 86:5
INTRODUCTION: (Video clip from Sleeping with the Enemy - 29:16-32:40 = 3:34)
Some conflict in marriage is so horrible people will do anything to get out. Every time I see that clip my heart breaks because I know there are people that are that afraid, that desperate and would love to be on a bus or anywhere else besides in their homes. That is so sad. But I also know marriages that break up not because of horrible actions, like abuse or adultery, but because the couple just cannot seem to handle what has become the constant and consistent fighting in their lives. Over time they have become estranged from one another because they haven’t learned how to cope with conflict. You know, all of us start out expecting happy homes, all of us want fulfilling marriages, but the honest truth is we are selfish people. And when we add another person into our life, we must juggle two people’s wants and desires and that’s not easy. You see, marriage doesn’t solve problems, it uncovers them. So the important question we need to ask this morning is not “do we have conflict” but "how are we handling our conflicts?" That may be the most critical inquiry we can make, because unless conflicts are dwelt with, they will chip away at our relationships and eventually destroy them.
I. RECOGNIZE ALL MARRIAGES HAVE CONFLICTS:
Let’s begin by admitting the reality: all couples fight! One preacher used to say, "If you say you have no conflict in your marriage then you either have a problem with lying or you have never wall papered with your spouse." This is not an earth shattering truth, all of us know and have experienced conflict. I’m thinking of the time several years ago that I was about to speak in chapel for our Church’s preschool and my wife was supposed to lead singing. But it was time to start and Deb was on the phone, so I became impatient and exasperated. So, when I went out to the auditorium, our Preschool Director, asked me, "Where’s Deb?" And I said in front of her and several teachers, "This is no news flash but she’s on the phone yakking her head off!" Then I turned around and there was Deb looking right behind me. Listen, if looks could kill!! Yeah, sweet Deb... it was the look... “You are so dead!” But I was frustrated and so made a bone headed statement that hurt my wife. And she gave me the kind of look where everyone else around just kind of silently slides away. And so with that between us she went up and led songs about love and I talked to the children about how we should love God and each other! And after work we had conflict! Oh yeah! The point is, every couple fights, every couple has conflict! Every one!
Someone has said there are three stages to marriage. There is 1)The honeymoon. That literally means “a sweet month.” Then comes 2)the “crash.” That’s where your dreams of a perfect marriage crash in the reality that things aren’t going to be perfect, there are going to be problems. You thought you married Matthew McConaughey, you got Homer Simpson. You thought you married Jessica Simpson, you got Roseanne. Then, stage 3) is the “Commitment” stage where you deal with reality and the two of you resolve to get through it. That stage is the “make it or break it” stage. Commitment is the very essence of marriage. But the truth is, all couples fight, so the most important question we can ask is, how do you fight?
You see, some couples fight dirty, which exposes their immaturity. Some couples fight clean, which exposes their maturity. Here is what I see as the difference. Couples who fight dirty press for a victory or to win the point. You become rivals in a contest. It’s extreme dodge ball and you’re going to not only hit them and win the point but you’re going to knock them out of the game! But couples who fight clean press for a solution, in other words, they want to resolve the problem by willingly applying compromise, understanding of the other’s view, whatever it takes to come to a resolution, not come away with a victory. The important thing to understand here is since conflict is inevitable, we must learn to fight clean.
So, all couples fight. In fact, I’ll go further. Marriages without conflict are unhealthy! Here’s a great verse for marriage. Prov. 14:4 - “Where there are no oxen, the barn is clean, but from the strength of an ox comes plentiful harvests.”(GW) Where no oxen are the stable is clean... that’s a fact. You don’t have to clean up when there are no animals. But you also get no work done! But from the strength of the ox.. That part of the ox that dirties up the stable makes it possible to work. The you’re a farmer in the day Prov. 14:4 is written and you want money you have to harvest crops. In order to harvest crops you’re going to have to plant, to plant you’re going to have to plow, to plow you’re going to have to have oxen, when you have oxen, oxen will do what oxen do.. They’ll dirty up your barn. The farmer can’t say, “I want money but I don’t like what oxen do, I don’t like what comes with oxen.” But if you want one you have to have the other. It’s true of much of life. This is not a “Burger-King” universe where you get it your way all the time! I love kids, I have three.. however, with kids comes dirty diapers, runny noses, hurt feelings and conflict. I love the church, some of my greatest joy is here... however, some of my deepest pain is here... why? Because the church is made up of imperfect people and there can be conflict. I love marriage, however... you’re going to conflict. No oxen, clean barn, no work, no money... money, work and a dirty barn. In order to have the joy that comes in marriage, you’ll have to recognize that there will be times of conflict.
If you don’t have conflict in your marriage, then either you are without sin, which I highly doubt.. or you’re boring.... you don’t communicate, you got a maid married to a butler, you just perform functions, or it could be you have one dominate person and one subdued person. That’s not peace that’s just one of the people who waves the white flag and surrenders and goes under ground. Marriages without some conflict are not healthy marriages. So it is imperative that we learn to fight clean.
II. RESPONDING TO CONFLICT:
The first step in learning how to fight clean is to recognize how you respond to conflict. When your Burger King universe crumbles, when you get hurt, how do you act? Here is a critical step to work on. Do not react or better.. Do not re-inact what your mate has done. Just because she did it you don’t have to respond in kind. Just because he did it you don’t have to get back at him. The Bible puts it this way, very simple in Rom. 12:17 - “Do not mistreat someone just because they have mistreated you.”(TEV) Don’t react in kind. You are not obligated to reciprocate in the same way someone has hurt you. Your mamma said it like this.. “Two wrongs do not...” what? Yeah, “Two wrongs do not make a right.” That’s a saying that has been said for ages because it’s been true forever. It means I don’t have to do what my mate does. This is where marital problems really begin and the fuse is lit. She yells, he yells back, he throws a cushion, she throws a chair, she’ll cuss his father, he’ll cuss her mother... back and forth and it usually escalates. You see when you’re hurt you have a mechanism in you that goes off and you naturally want to protect yourself. And whenever you are hurt and you reciprocate you initially feel right, you initially feel just... but in reality when you get back you have just taken a prerogative that is not yours. Just a couple of verses after the one we just read, in Rom. 12:19 it says this: “My friends, do not try to punish others when they wrong you, but wait for God to respond. It is written: “I will punish those who do wrong; I will repay them,”says the Lord.”(NCV) You don’t react.
And most of us react in one of two ways. 1) There is the hot reaction. The hot reaction is usually yelling. You return in kind and then they come back and then you come back, and it starts an ugly cycle. And you disrupt your home because you have this collision of two immovable objects and your kids are dying for the day they turn 18 and can get out of that house. And some of you grew up in a house like that. Prov. 17:1 - “Better a bite of dry bread eaten in peace than a family feast filled with strife.”(GW) 2) But some don’t respond with a hot reaction but they give the cold reaction. Any of you grow up in houses where you have passive-aggression? You didn’t have yelling but one of them turned the ice on the other one for about a week to 10 days at a pop. And everybody had to walk on egg shells because mom and dad weren’t getting along. And that can be just as destructive as the hot reaction. So, here’s one of the secrets of coping with conflict. Work at not reacting in kind. You choose to be magnanimous rather than mean. You keep your calm and don’t react. I know it’s hard, real hard. Make today the day you decide that you are not going to respond in kind when your mate hurts you. In sports we call it poise... composure. You keep your calm and don’t react in kind.
But you know what? Often we think that by yelling or giving the silent treatment or whatever you use, we’re going to change our mate’s mind, that she or he will somehow see our side more clearly and say, “Oh, now because you’ve yelled at me,” or, “Now because you haven’t spoken to me and cut me off, I see your side and agree.” No, that doesn’t change anyone, at best you’ll just get surrender and the hurt will continue to eat at them. And that’s why one day you’re shocked to come home and find the furniture and the kids gone or your world is rocked when you find a note from him saying he doesn’t love you anymore. You see, you can’t change your mate. True change only comes from within, when their heart sees the need to change. And the Bible teaches us that true change only comes from God, and you ain’t him!
So, recognize how you respond to conflict and you change, by refusing to react in kind. Why? Because when you react invariably you’ll make things worse. I love the true story told by Dr. James Dobson. Some of you heard it during our Song of Solomon small group study. It’s about a couple who gets up in the morning. She’s got an important interview and so she puts on her favorite dress and asks her husband to zip it up for her. He starts playing around like guys do sometimes and grabs the zipper and “zip, zip, zip, zip,” and it breaks. She had it dry cleaned and wanted to wear it and now she can’t. And she’s mad. She leaves home, comes back at 5:30 and what does she see? She sees him laying under the car. What does she do? Responds in kind... she grabs his zipper and “zip, zip, zip, zip,” ha, ha, ha, and she walks in the house laughing... until she enters the kitchen and there stands her husband! She says, “What are you doing here?” He says, “What do you mean what am I doing here?” She says, “You’re under the car.” He says, “No, Jerry, our next door neighbor is under our car checking the muffler.” She turned white and said, “I grabbed his zipper.” He said, “Oh no.” And here’s the part that shows you what responding in kind can do. They run out to the car and Jerry is laying there, stock still. Because when she grabbed his zipper he did what any red blooded American male would do.. He sat straight up and knocked himself out! There may be no better story that tells of the pitfalls that can happen when you respond in kind. Do not react, don’t reenact what your mate did to you.
III. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:
Okay, you understand that all marriages have conflict and you decide that you are going to change and not respond in kind when your mate hurts you. What do you do when that hurt comes? What should you do when there is conflict. Let me give you three “Rules of Engagement.” Here are three things you can do when conflict comes.
1) Identify the problem. Solutions can only come when the detour or the dilemma is identified. Be observant for your wife or husbands body language and when you say something hurtful or you begin to feel your blood boil, exert some control, stop and say, “I’m sorry, can we stop for a second and both of us articulate what we think the problem is here?” Too often couples try to resolve conflict without agreeing on what the conflict is! One marriage counselor advises couples to stop and actually write out what they think the problem is. Then you state it or read out loud to each other so you’re both trying to resolve the same thing
Then as a part of this you identify what is at stake. You ask: “Who has the greatest need for a solution in this matter?” In other words, who has the most invested in this problem? Several months ago Deb and I started talking about going to Florida to be with our daughter when she had our granddaughter. She wanted to go and I could understand that it cost money! Money we didn’t necessarily have. And it could of got heated but who do you think had the greatest investment in that problem? Deb. Why? It’s not that I don’t want to see my daughter or my granddaughter but there’s something deep within a mother that can’t hardly live without being there with her daughter when she has her first child. And I can remember a moment in that discussion where, upon answering this question, “who has the greatest need for a solution here?” I thought.. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to get her down there,” and everything changed. Identify the problem. Make sure you are trying to resolve the same thing and then identify who has the greatest need for a solution.
2)Interact about the problem. In other words, talk! There are four major problems in marriage. #2 is money, #3 is sex, #4 is in-laws. But the #1 problem is communication. We have problems talking with each other. So, I want to mention five ways to talk and five ways to listen because the way you interact with each other is vitally important.
1. Watch where you confront the other. For example, never confront your mate publically. You ever seen that happen? People who are arguing in a restaurant? So demeaning. And by the way.. that can happen in the home when one or the other one uses the kids. “Jimmy, come here. Isn’t your father like that? Isn’t he?” Any of you ever pulled between your parents? That’s painful. Never confront publically, and don’t use your kids.
2. Never get “historical.”You mean hysterical? No, historical. Never go back into the person’s past and bring something up from the past. “You did that five years ago.. and you’re doing it again!” Leave the past in the past.
3. Never raise your voice. How many of you have dogs? You know this is true.. You can say anything to that dog as long as your tone is sweet. “Oh... you are the ugliest dog, you are just so homely.” They’ll just wag their tails... Now we aren’t dogs but it’s still true. Pro. 16:23 - “Sweet words are like honey, they are pleasant and persuasive.”(GW)
4. Never press to win. So what if you win the argument but lose your mate? Don’t press for a victory, press for a solution.
5. Never be demeaning. Tommy Nelson tells of a buddy who got into a bad habit in his marriage. His wife would try to share what was hurting her and he would go, “uh, huh, uh, huh.. (take hand and revolve it in circles).” That’s demeaning.. It’s saying, “You’re hurt or your problem is not important to me.” No name calling! “You’re fat! You’re an idiot!” Stay on the high road... don’t lose it to the point that you’re demeaning.
And there’s a right way to listen too. 1. Listen with your face! In other words, look at your mate when they talk. One day, when my youngest Zach was about 5 or 6, he walked into the kitchen and said, “Daddy?” I was reading so, without looking up I said, “uh, huh.” He said, “Daddy?” I said, without looking up, “Yes.” He said, “Daddy?” Finally in exasperation I said, “What? Zach, I don’t have to be looking at you to hear you.” True, but I need to be looking at him when I’m really listening! Fella’s put down the remote, put down the paper, girls, get off the phone and listen with your face.
2. Listen with your heart, in other words, don’t reason and get all logical with your wife. She knows what she feels. She doesn’t need an answer... “Oh, you’re mad. You’re mad because of this, that assumes this, that concludes that , that’s obviously not true.” (Hit remote) That drives women nuts!
3. Do not interrupt. Proverbs 18:13- “Whoever gives an answer before he listens, is stupid and should be ashamed.”(GW) Let them speak.
4. Don’t vent your spleen to others outside the home. Now, I’m not talking about credible counseling. I’m talking about listening to a problem and then going to the girls and talking about your sorry husband or going to your poker buddies and talking about your worthless wife. You listen in confidence.
5. No rude bodily language. No folding of the arms. No rolling of the eyes. Sit down take each other by the hand and listen, really listen.
So, you identify the problem, interact properly with one another and then thirdly, intercede for each other, in other words, forgive. Ephesians 4:32. “ Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.”(NIV) Now, I’ll grant you that this is one of the toughest assignments in marriage: to put the past behind you and forgive because it concerns your pride. People say, "You don’t know how I’ve been hurt, I’m justified in my anger." OR "He’s hasn’t paid yet, I’ve got a right to get him back." OR "She hasn’t asked, she ought to be begging me to forgive." So people nurse grudges, they wallow in bitterness, they block good communication. But we need to understand, if you don’t learn to forgive you are in a state of slavery. You are imprisoned by the past.
You know one of the secrets to forgiveness? Being ready to forgive. In the moments that you do not have to exercise forgiveness you say to yourself and to God... “I need to be ready, because certainly the time will come, when I need to forgive.”That’s what God did. Psalm 86:5 - “O Lord, you are so good and kind, so ready to forgive, so full of mercy...”(LB) Here’s one place you can be like God.. Be ready to forgive.
You know these three things... identify the problem, interact and intercede with each other is exactly what God has done for us. He identified the ultimate problem: Our sin. Then he interacted with us by sending his own son, and Jesus talked to us about how to live, He promised he would listen to our prayers and then God interceded for us by allowing Jesus to die on the cross and pay the penalty for our sin. And he did one other thing that we can’t do.. He promised he would forget! He said in Hebrews 8:12 - “I will forgive their sins and will no longer remember their wrongs.”(TEV) And through Jesus he’s given us a way to deal with our sin and to cope with our conflict so we can be drawn to Him and to each other.
{Scripture quotation taken from the Holy Bible as noted}
{One main resource for this message is from Tommy Nelson’s teaching on the Song of Solomon. www.tommynelsononline.com}
