Fight Fair
1. • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. —Rodney Dangerfield
2. Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.” “Honey,” he replied with a grin, “without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”
—Valerie L. Runyan, in Reader’s Digest (cited in Nelson’s Complete Book of Stories).
A. When you get married, you bring three sets of preferences into the relationships
1. Things you both like
2. Things you like that differ but compliment one another
3. Things you like that differ and do not compliment one another (the fuel for arguments)
B. If you know how – or if you learn – to fight fair, your marriage is almost guaranteed to do well. If you fight unfairly, your marriage is almost guaranteed to be miserable. If you both avoid confrontation, your relationship is almost guaranteed to be lackluster and mediocre; you will not be very close.
C. Most of these principles are the same ones you would use with close friends – with anyone who cares about you. Not all of them work for people in general.
Main Idea: Whether married or single, relating well to people includes conflict, so you may as well learn to fight well and to fight fair.
I. The Right ATTITUDE about Disagreements or Arguments
A. TERMINOLOGY of Conflict
The difference between a disagreement, an argument, and a quarrel
(this is a distinction I am making; this is not an exact science)
1. A DISAGREEMENT
2. An ARGUMENT
when we argue, we are trying to address a disagreement (debating)
Acts 18:28 For he vigorously refuted the Jews in public debate, proving from the Scriptures that Jesus was the Christ.
an argument need not be loud or overly passionate; it is usually better if is not so loud and emotions are under control…this is more likely if disagreements are addressed at an early stage and thoroughly.
3. A QUARREL
an argument can easily turn into a quarrel, something we should try to avoid
in a quarrel, there is more at stake than the disagreement: ego, looking good, superiority, power (who gets his or her way), revenge…truth is no longer the issue
James 4:1 What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?
Proverbs 20:3 Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, But any fool will quarrel.
B. Disagreements and Arguments can be compatible with love and God’s will, but an argument can easily violate love and God’s will
1. Sometimes it is wrong not to argue.
Calmness and quiet is not the same as harmony.
2. A fair argument can resolve problems and make a couple closer.
An unfair argument can create more problems that it resolves and create distance.
Couples fight over everything, but the "big three" are
1. money management (the most common)
2. sex
3. in-laws
3. Frequent arguments indicate deeper issues; we must choose our fights based on what is worth fighting for
---constant bickering is bad news…often
C. Factors to consider
1. TRUTH vs. Upbringing
Exposure to parents who fought in an unfair way handicaps us
--we might determine not to argue
--we might repeat the style of our parents
--the right choice: to argue in a fair way
2. Levels of HUMILITY, SECURITY, and HONESTY make a big difference
3. Some differences have to be ACCOMMODATED and cannot be resolved
Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, "Let us go back and visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing." Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord…(Acts 15:36-40)
Whether married or single, relating well to people includes conflict, so you may as well learn to fight well and to fight fair.
II. Rules of COMBAT
"My wife and I had a fight last night."
"How did it end up?"
"She came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?"
"Come out from under that bed, you coward!"
A. How NOT to fight: "The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse" Dr. John Gottman
1. Can detect a deteriorating marriage within a 95% accuracy
2. The four stages are:
CRITICISM
CONTEMPT
DEFENSIVENESS
STONEWALLING
(source: Drs. Les/Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage);
especially dangerous when they become a HABIT
3. Criticism is not the same as COMPLAINING
· criticism attacks a PERSON, complaining attacks an ACTION
· criticism begins with "YOU" statements , complaing with "I" statements
· sometimes criticism is NECESSARY, but prefer complaining
The most consistent research finding about what is different in the communication of strangers and people married to each other is that married people are ruder to each other than they are to strangers. They interrupt their spouses more, put their spouses down more, and are less complimentary to each other.
(according to Alan Loy McGinnis, The Power of Optimism (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, San Francisco, 1990), 12.
4. Contempt involves the INTENTION to insult another
5. Defensiveness means we are defending our SELF-ESTEEM rather than addressing problems (like Adam blaming Eve)
6. Stonewalling is emotionally WITHDRAWING and becoming UNIMPACTED
B. How to fight FAIRLY
1. Do not go AWOL by failing to address disagreements
2. Be STRATEGIC : select what you tackle
Proverbs 17:14, The beginning of strife is like letting out water, So abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.
3. Be FOCUSED: stick with the issues; refuse to digress
4. Use the "I" statements rather than the "YOU" statements
5. Welcome criticism from those who CARE about you
6. MANNERS and courtesies should not be pitched
7. Avoid "Attacking and Defending" PATTERNS
Proverbs 29:9, If a wise man goes to court with a fool, the fool rages and scoffs, and there is no peace.
Proverbs 12:1, Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.
*You must not imagine you are being attacked when you aren’t
* You do NOT have to defend yourself when you are attacked
*Most complaints are partly CORRECT
· Defenders are out to maintain the status quo; they often need time to think
· Write the criticism down and promise to think and evaluate it later
C. If an argument becomes critical, use this process INSTEAD of defending
1. AGREE with what is clearly true in the criticism
2. ADD to the criticism of yourself
3. ASK for more
Conclusion
Whether married or single, relating well to people includes conflict, so you may as well learn to fight well and to fight fair.
Psychologist Lynne Namka writes:
Recent research shows that couples break up because they do not know how to resolve their differences through communication. Hostility only breeds more hostility. Venting the negative emotions may clear the air temporarily, but it does not solve the underlying problem and serves to make it worse. Backing away from the conflict and ignoring it only sends each partner into secretiveness, withdraw and isolation. The message becomes clear--the couple that fights together stays together happily only if they use the techniques of conflict resolution.
(source: members.aol.com/AngriesOut/fairfigh.htm)
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
Telling Each Other the Truth (William Backus)
The Use of Language in Counseling (Jay Adams)
From Forgiven to Forgiving (Jay Adams)
The Peacemaker (Ken Sande)
Make Peace with Anyone (David Lieberman)
