The Proactive Communicator
1. There are three kinds of people in the world’
-those who make things happen
-those who watch things happen
-those who say, "What happened?"
2. According to Webster, to be proactive is "…acting in anticipation of future problems, needs, or changes."
3. People have long realized the importance of being proactive. Aesop told his famous fable of the grasshopper and the ant. While the grasshopper was obliviously enjoying the freedom of warm weather, the ant was storing up food for the cold winter.
4. When the weather changed, the grasshopper starved to death, while the ant easily survived through the winter.
5. So much of the Christian life is "acting in anticipation" of the future.
6. This concept should also affect our communication skills. Developing them early is ideal, because they will affect us greatly in the long run.
Main idea: Good communication is often proactive communication.
I. Proactive HONESTY
last week, we spoke about how we lie; I was hoping to address "fighting fair" this week, but I did not get through my sermon last week, so that will have to wait till next time; today, let’s look at proactive and honest communication.
A. Being ASSERTIVE
1. asking for what you want
2. how making a request differs from demanding
3. Proverbs 12:14 reads, "From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him."
B. Being FORTHCOMING
1. Offering information rather than withholding it
This column appeared in the Saturday, July 28, 1990, edition of the Nashville Banner:
Dear Ann Landers. Have you ever known a clam? Probably not. Well, I am married to one. This husband of mine cannot or will not carry on a conversation. I have tried hundreds of times to get him to talk to me. It is impossible. Here’s the way it goes:
Me: What do you think about the government’s plan to raise the price of postage stamps again?
The Clam: I have no idea.
Me: I read in the paper that there was a flood in the Sahara Desert.
The Clam: Oh, really?
His stock, all-purpose comments are: “Is that a fact?” “You can’t win for losin’.” “That’s the way the ball bounces.” “Well, ain’t that one for the books!” His responses are a boring assortment of worn-out cliches and platitudes.
Half the time he tunes me out totally. For example, last night I said, “I just got back from a trip on the space shuttle.” He replied, “That’s nice.”
Maybe it’s genetic—not on his side of the family, but mine. My mother also married a clam. I remember one day when I came home after school, she was yelling (and I do mean yelling) at my father, “You never talk to me! Something must happen at work that you could tell me about!” He replied, innocently, “Why are you hollering? What do you want me to say?” Then he walked into the next room and plugged his eyes into the TV for the rest of the evening.
When I asked my mother why she married him, she said, “Because he was the quiet type.” I now know what she meant, because I made the same mistake.…
from Nelson’s Complete Book Of Stories, Illustrations, & Quotes
C. Being HONEST
* Turn with me to Proverbs 24:26
1. nonverbal: 58% (low estimate)
2. empathy
3. sincerity
4. warmth
5. swallowing our pride
6. giving a choice when there is no choice
D. Being PRECISE
1. Accurate words make for honesty; inaccurate words, dishonesty
2. He never takes out the trash vs. He rarely; She always complains about my workshop vs. she repeatedly complains
3. We needed to redecorate our home vs. We wanted
4. The way you phrase things influences how you think about them
"What you can afford" or "What seems reasonable to spend"
5. Alcoholism: an addiction, a predisposition, a predetermination, or a disease?
E. Using the XYZ formula
"When you put down my friends (X), it hurts me (Y) and makes me want to hurt you in return (Z)."
"When you joke about my ability to do household repairs (X), it makes me feel like I have failed as a man (Y), and then I feel like giving up trying (Z)."
Good communication is often proactive communication.
II. Proactive KINDNESS
A. Jesus was not always GENTLE, but that was His normal mode
B. TACT is crucial (Prv. 15:2 NASB)
"The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, But the mouth of fools spouts folly."
C. Focus on the relationship, not BLAME or SUPERIORITY
D. The biggest communication killer: a threat to SELF-ESTEEM
E. We must also learn to be a good listener
I’ve preached sermons on listening, but if you are not a good listener, developing good communication skills will only help you so much…
We are to be quick to listen, slow to speak, James tells us
"His thoughts were slow, his words were few, and never formed to glisten; he was a joy to all his friends--you should have heard him listen!" (quoted in Our Daily Bread)
Reflective Listening….
"So you are saying…"
Listening is a way to show love…
Good communication is often proactive communication.
III. Proactive RECONCILIATION
A. Addressing rather than AVOIDING the problem (Matt.18:15)
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over."
B. Separating Your WRONGS from your partner’s wrongs (Prv. 15:12)
Deceitful Heart Syndrome: we remember the wrongs others do to us, but forget the wrongs we do to others…
C. Saying the WORDS, "Will you forgive me?"
D. Avoiding INFERIOR methods of apology
--If I did anything that hurt you, I am sorry
--I’m not perfect, but
E. Living with UNRESOLVED issues
--What do you do if you are married to a clam, like the example above?
--What do you do if your spouse refuses to say, "I was wrong? Will you forgive me?"
--What if your spouse has no intent to work at the marriage, won’t budge…wants to live in denial?
--You confront the person, seek help, but sometimes just have to cope…
---focus on personal growth
---focus on ministry
---make friends of the same gender
---find interests on your own
---guard yourself (vulnerable to an affair)
---pray, pray, pray, and wait: maybe one day God will work and melt that stubborn heart…
Good communication is often proactive communication.
CONCLUSION
1. There are three kinds of people in the world’
-those who make things happen
-those who watch things happen
-those who say, "What happened?"
2. Which kind are you?
Note: Besides the book of Proverbs and other Scriptures, much of the material for this sermon comes from these sources (arranged from most to least)
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
Telling Each Other the Truth (William Backus)
The Use of Language in Counseling (Jay Adams)
From Forgiven to Forgiving (Jay Adams)
The Peacemaker (Ken Sande)
Make Peace with Anyone (David Lieberman)
