LEARNING YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE
Living a Life of Love – 1
Ephesians 5:22-33
March 5, 2006
INTRODUCTION:
“The State of Our Unions 2005,” an annual report put out by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, highlighted the dismal state of the family in the United States. Among the findings:
Only 63 percent of American children grow up with both biological parents, the lowest percentage among Western nations.
The U.S. divorce rate has declined over the past 25 years, but that is offset by the even greater decline in marriages.
Instead of marriage, couples are living together. Yet cohabiting couples have twice the breakup rate of married couples.
Co-author of the study, David Popenoe, said, “Cohabitation is here to stay. I don’t think it’s good news, especially for children. As society shifts from marriage to cohabitation, which is what’s happening, you have an increase in family instability.” According to Popenoe, the result of that instability is that “the United States has the weakest families in the Western world.”
Not knowing what else to do with such a sad state of affairs some just choose to make a joke about the state of marriage. George Burns said, “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” And Rodney Dangerfield quipped, “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
Noted author Larry Crabb, in his book The Marriage Builder, starts off by asking a series of questions: “Why are marriages so often filled with tension… and short-lived moments of romance? Why do I sometimes face a problem within my own marriage and, after earnest prayer and brutal self-examination, remain unsure how to respond to my wife in a way that deepens our oneness? Are there real solutions that will develop true intimacy?”’
That’s a great question. Are there any real solutions to this pervasive problem? Henry Youngman has said, “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” But is that really true? Isn’t there a way that we can learn to make our marriages work? The good news is that nearly two thousand years ago the apostle Paul, who ironically was never married, wrote the best counsel on marriage ever written. For all of our modern day counselors, books and seminars have not surpassed it.
So this morning we will be looking at Ephesians 5:22-33 – a passage of scripture that has long been feared by women and misused by men – but nonetheless a passage of scripture that contains the key to living a life of love in your marriage relationship. The key is to understand that men and women are different and, therefore, have different sets of needs. When we learn how our spouse is different from us and how they receive and perceive love then we will be equipped to effectively communicate our true love to them and they to us.
I’m talking about learning your love language. I’m not referring to Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” that some of you may be familiar with although that would be some great follow up reading for you to do. I want to talk to you this morning about what wives must do in order to effectively communicate love to their husbands and then about what husbands must do in order to effectively communicate love to their wives. We need to understand this because when both are speaking the other’s love language a healthy marriage relationship can blossom.
I was raised with the slogan: “Ladies first.” So ladies we are starting with you this morning not only because of that, but because Paul started with the ladies first. And ladies, please don’t get to upset. You can be sure that I will get to your husbands in a few minutes.
I. WIVES MUST SHOW AFFECTION THROUGH SUBMISSIVE LOVE.
A Kentucky mountaineer fighting overseas in World War I kept getting nagging letters from his wife back home. He was too busy fighting to write letters, even to his wife. At last, angered by his wife’s scolding letters, he sat down and wrote her: “Dear Nancy: I been a-gittin your naggin letters all along. Now I want to tell ye, I’m tired of them. For the first time in my life I’m a-fightin in a big war, and I want to enjoy it in peace as long as it lasts.”
No offense intended, but some wives can nag their husbands to the point where all their husbands want to do is to get away from them. So how about that? Is it better to fight a war over in the desert of Iraq than to stay at home with a nagging wife? Actually there is biblical support for this. In Proverbs 21:19 the Bible says, “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” Sorry ladies, but it is in the Bible after all. So don’t shoot the messenger. Blame God – it’s his book!
The problem is that this is exactly the opposite of the way that Paul says wives should show love to their husbands. Paul says that wives should show affection through submissive love. He says:
22Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands…
Now this teaching as often times made a lot of women very uncomfortable. It has led some women to go so far as to label the apostle Paul as a sexist. It certainly does fly in the face of modern feminist teaching. But rest assured that being submissive doesn’t mean being a doormat. It doesn’t mean mindlessly doing what ever your husband wants you to do. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have any say at all in the family decisions. It doesn’t mean that you are less important or a second-class citizen in your own home. To help you understand the concept of biblical submission better I want to share with your three truths about submission.
1. THE MATTER OF SUBMISSION IS RESPECT.
Biblical submission is a matter of respect. Submission is not about disrespecting yourself as a woman, but rather about having enough self-confidence to show respect to your husband. That is why biblical submission has absolutely nothing to do with being a doormat. Ladies I want you to be sure you get this: If you are being a doormat you are not showing respect to your husband, you are simply disrespecting yourself. Here is what Paul had to say:
22Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Now let me ask you a question. Is the church being a doormat when it shows respect for Christ’s leadership position? No! The fact of the matter is that God has given the husband a position of leadership in the home and God will hold him accountable for the way he leads. Submission then is simply showing respect to your husband for the leadership position God has given him. It is not saying that he is better than you. It is not saying that he is smarter than you. It is not saying that he is more gifted or more talented than you. It is not saying that you don’t have something significant to contribute. It is simply saying that you need to show respect to your husband in his position of leadership.
There were three guys talking in a bar. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?” The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees.” The first two guys were very impressed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘Get out from under that bed and fight like a man.’” Just a word of warning, guys: Don’t try to abuse this. Mark my words. You will live to regret it. Remember Proverbs 21:19. And guys, if you do have a quarrelsome and nagging wife, it is probably because you made her that way!
2. THE MOTIVE OF SUBMISSION IS HONOR.
24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Wives are to submit to their husbands as the church, which is the bride of Christ, submits to Jesus. When we as Christians submit ourselves to Christ we are doing so as an act of worship. Now I am certainly not saying that wives are to worship their husbands, but we do have a saying that goes like this: “She worships the ground he walks on.” We are not talking about actual worship here, but rather honoring. As the church honors Christ so wives should honor their husbands.
There are a couple of benefits to honoring your husbands in this way:
a. The word of God will be honored.
The first is that not only is your husband honored, but you are also brining honor to the Word of God. In Titus 2:4-5 the Bible says, “Urge the younger women … to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” The King James Version says, “…that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Whoa! The New Revised Standard Version says, “…so that the word of God may not be discredited.”
Wives, did you realize just how important it is for you to honor your husband by respecting his God-given position of leadership? Did you realize that by refusing to submit to your husband’s leadership you were not only dishonoring him, but also dishonoring, blaspheming and discrediting the word of God? It is impossible to overemphasize just how important this really is and just how far reaching the consequences go.
b. Your husband will be won over.
The second benefit to honoring your husband is found in 1 Peter 3:1-2 which says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
Newspaper columnist George Crane told of a woman who was full of hatred toward her husband. Someone counseled the woman to act as if she really loved her husband, to tell him how much he meant to her, to praise him for every decent trait he possessed, to be kind, considerate, and generous whenever possible. Then, when she’d fully convinced him of her undying love, she could make her move and file for divorce. With revenge in her heart she said, “That’s the perfect plan, I’ll do it.” And so she did, but guess what happened. The more she demonstrated submissive love toward her husband, the more she began to actually love him, and at the end of a few months divorce was the furthest thing from her mind. She not only won her husband over she won herself over.
The moral of the story is stop waiting for your husband to get his act together and start getting your act together. Stop worry about what your husband is doing and start working on what you should be doing.
3. THE MODEL OF SUBMISSION IS JESUS.
Looking at this passage you might have been expecting me to say that the model for submission is the church and that is certainly true too. We just looked at how wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ so the church is certainly a model for wives to follow. But I also want you to see that Jesus – to whom the church submits – also practices submission himself.
In 1 Corinthians 11:3 the Bible says, “I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” This also helps us to see that this issue of submission has nothing to do with inferiority for Christ is fully God just as the Father is. Take the Trinity for example. In the Trinity there are three persons: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. All three are fully God. All three are omnipotent or all powerful. All three are omniscient or all knowing. All three are omnipresent or present everywhere at the same time. And yet in the midst of all of this equality there must be a leader or else the Trinity would disintegrate into disorganization and the same is true of the marriage.
One commentator writes:
"Headship suggests orchestration and direction [in other words leadership]… To have a director assumes that there are those who are directed; otherwise we have anarchy. If an orchestra does not recognize the authority of its director, every musician will play what he or she wants. The result would be far from harmonic. If the church is not willing to listen to Christ, our diversity will never become unity… As in the church, the marriage relationship requires a unifier to bring the man and the woman together. By Paul’s instruction, this unifier is the husband. If the wife is not willing to follow the directions of her husband, matrimony soon becomes pandemonium." (Mark A. Holmes)
I think that last statement could, unfortunately, describe a great many of the marriages in America today: Matrimony has become pandemonium. That happens when we don’t play our roles and fulfill our responsibilities. And ladies, it’s not all your fault. We guys have had a hand in this as well. So ladies you can relax now because it the guys turn.
Guys I want to begin by sharing with you the “Rules of Male-Female Relationships.” Now guys, I’m warning you. Don’t try to write these down. Just memorize them quickly as I go through them.
1. The Female always makes the Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner, for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can changer her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind with prior, express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset at someone or something that has hurt or offended her.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm to the Male.
(Jeffery Russel, SermonCentral)
That’s why I warned you not to write them down. It was for your own safety. But seriously I want to take some time to share with you guys practical, biblical teaching on how to let your wife know that you really love her.
Wives must show affection through submissive love, but…
II. HUSBANDS MUST SHOW AFFECTION THROUGH SACRIFICIAL LOVE.
One commentator said, “Loving one’s wife as Christ loved the church can be summed up by one word – sacrifice.” (Mark A. Holmes) Wives are called upon to submit themselves to their husbands who are in turn called upon to sacrifice themselves for their wives. When this principle is clearly understood we see that the submission, far from being the one-sided submission some women fear, is actually a mutual submission. Paul makes this clear when we back up and take a look at verse 21:
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Did you catch that guys? The command to submit is not limited only to your wives, but is extended even to you, the husbands. The difference is in how that submission is manifested. For the wife it means respecting and honoring the leadership role of her husband. For the husband it means sacrificing himself for that which is in his wife’s best interests. I can pretty much guarantee you guys that when you start living like that your wives won’t have a problem with biblical submission.
I want to share with you guys several ways that your sacrificial love should be expressed to your wife. We learn these by looking to our model, Jesus Christ, and discovering how he expressed his love for the church.
1. IT IS A SERVING LOVE.
The first thing that we learn about Jesus’ love for the church is that it is a serving love.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
Christ’s love for the church motivated him to give himself up – sacrifice himself – for the benefit of the church. When was the last time you sacrificed yourself for the benefit of your wife? When was the last time you gave up what you wanted to do so that she could do what she wanted to do? When was the last time you willfully surrender what was in your personal interest so that she could have what was in her best interest?
Let me tell you about a guy who got this whole serving, submission thing wrong. During his commute home from work he had been reading a book called “Man of the House.” When he got home this “enlightened” husband stormed into the house to confront his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law. Tonight you are to prepare me a gourmet meal and a sumptuous dessert. Then, when I’m done eating, you’re going to draw me a bath so I can have a relaxing soak. And when I’m finished with by bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hear?” His wife responded, “My guess is the funeral director.” (Mike’s Funnies, PreachigTodyay.com)
Paul went on to say:
28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, people have never hated their own bodies, but they feed and care for them, just as Christ does the church – 30for we are members of his body.
You should care for your wives the same way you would care for yourself. Do you excuse your wife’s mistakes as quickly as you excuse your own mistakes? Do you cut your wife the same slack as you cut yourself? Are you more demanding of her than you are of yourself? This all has to do with treating your wife the way you would want to be treated.
It also speaks to the responsibility of the husband to provide for his wife and his family. Does your wife feel secure in the knowledge that you will take care of her and provide for her needs for food and shelter and clothing – the basic necessities of life? Sacrificial love is so difficult because it is a direct challenge to our selfish nature. It requires us to think of someone else first – to put someone else first – to deny our desires for the benefit of our wives. Contrary to what many men think, submission doesn’t mean that your wife becomes your servant; rather it means you become hers.
I also want to look at a few other passages of scripture that shed light on how Jesus demonstrated his love to his bride, the church.
2. IT IS A SAYING LOVE.
Us guys aren’t always so good with words. We aren’t always the best at expressing our feelings verbally to our wives. And for our wives, who are very verbal creatures, this can be a source of great frustration; so we need to learn to say, and not merely assume, that they know it.
A man accompanied his friend home for dinner and was impressed by the way he entered his house, asked his wife how her day went, and told her she looked pretty. Then, after they embraced, she served dinner. After they ate, the husband complimented his wife on the meal and thanked her for it. When the two fellows were alone, the visitor asked, “Why do you treat your wife so well?” “Because she deserves it, and it makes our marriage happier,” replied the host.
Impressed, the visitor decided to adopt the idea. Arriving home, he embraced his wife and said, “You look wonderful!” For good measure he added, “Sweetheart, I’m the luckiest guy in the world.” His wife burst into tears. Bewildered, he asked her, “What in the world’s the matter with you?” She wept, “What a day! Billy got into a fight at school. The refrigerator quit and spoiled the food. And now to top it all off you’ve come home drunk!” (Robert Leslie Holmes, "God’s Man," Dregal, 1998) If your wife isn’t used to hearing it, it might be a bit of a shock.
In John 15:9 Jesus told his disciples, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” Jesus loved his disciples and demonstrated it in many ways, but he never left it unsaid. And guys, do you know where Jesus learned to do this? He learned it from his own Father who had told him that he loved him. In Matthew 3:17 God said to Jesus, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” So it is important for you guys to tell your wives that you love them not only for their sake, but also for the benefit of the little ears who are listening and learning from your example.
3. IT IS A SHOWING LOVE.
Jesus’ love was a serving love and a saying love, but it was also a showing love. For Jesus, love was much more than mere lip service. In John 13:1 (NIV) the Bible says, “Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.” Saying it is certainly important, but it is never enough because actions always speak louder than words.
4. IT IS A STAYING LOVE.
Jesus’ love was a serving love, a saying love, a showing love and finally it was a staying love. It was an enduring commitment on his part to love his church. In Matthew 28:20 Jesus told his disciples, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” “I am with you always.” Does your wife have that assurance? Do you reaffirm your marriage commitment to her – the “till death do us part” portion? You know that some people today are changing the traditional marriage vow to say, “as long as our love shall last” instead of “till death do us part” or “as long as we both shall live.” That small alteration is really saying, “There is a time when my love for you will leave and when it’s gone so am I.” I doesn’t sound so romantic when you put it that way, does it? Make sure that your wife knows that you are in it for the long haul.
A golden anniversary part was being thrown for an elderly couple. The husband was very moved by the occasion and wanted to tell his wife what he thought of her. She was very hard of hearing, however, and often misunderstood what he said. With many family members and friends gathered around, he toasted his wife and said, “My dear wife, after 50 years I’ve found you tried and true!” Everyone clapped for them, but his wife was a little irritated and asked, “What did you say?” So he repeated it again louder this time: “After 50 years, I’ve found you tried and true!” The wife was now visible upset and shouted back, “Well, let me tell you something after 50 years I’m tired of you, too!”
“Till death do us part” is a long time so how do you develop a staying love? Let me give you...
THREE PRINCIPLES FOR DEVELOPING A LASTING LOVE:
These principles come from Ephesians 5:31:
31”For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Here are the three principles from that verse:
a. Leave.
For your marriage relationship to last it must be the most important relationship in your life. As you grew up the closest relationship you had was probably with your mother and father, but once you are married you are starting your own family and a break must take place. Of course that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a relationship with your birth family any longer, but it cannot take priority over your marriage relationship. The same is true with relationships you have with your friends or anyone else. The only relationship that should be more important than the one you have with your wife should be your relationship with God. If you don’t make a break with these other relationships, your marriage is in for some serious trouble.
b. Cleave.
You are to be joined to your wife or united with your wife in marriage. You break your old relationships (leave) so that you can make a new relationship with your wife (cleave). You do this on your marriage day when you make your marriage commitment and take your vows.
c. Weave.
The commitments you make and the vows you take on your wedding day are not the end, but rather the beginning. For the rest of your lives you need to be weaving yourselves together into a state of oneness. This means spending time together, talking together, developing common interests, past times and hobbies. It takes time, but if you aren’t intentional about weaving your lives together then you will most likely simply drift apart. That’s because it takes time, but it’s not automatic.
We could paraphrase verse 31 like this then: “For this reason a man will LEAVE his father and mother and CLEAVE to his wife, and the two will WEAVE themselves into one flesh.” All three of these elements are critical to developing a love that lasts.
CONCLUSION:
Let me close by looking at verse 33, which ties this all together nicely.
33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Let me tell you this: It is hard for a wife to respect a husband who doesn’t love her. But it is equally hard for a husband to love a wife who doesn’t respect him. Too often we see something happen like this: A husband fails to love his wife and so she in turn fails to respect him. Realizing that his wife disrespects him, he loves her less and she in turn respects him less. It is a vicious cycle that is almost certain to end in divorce if it isn’t stopped.
How is it stopped? Ideally both partners would realize the problem and begin to work on each of there respective responsibilities. But even if one will recognize the problem and realize what their personal responsibility in the marriage is and then begin to carry it out regardless of what their spouse may or may not do, it can make a difference.
Wives, if your husband doesn’t love you, start showing him unconditional respect. Husbands, if you wife doesn’t respect you, start showing her unconditional love. I know it won’t be easy. In fact, I don’t think there is any such thing as an easy marriage. There are marriages that give up, and marriages that keep on trying; that’s the only difference. Commit yourselves today to keep on trying. Commit today to begin communicating your love to your spouse in the “language” he or she will understand. For you ladies that means submissive love and for you men that means sacrificial love.
SMALL GROUP BIBLE STUDY
“Instructions for a Happy Home”
March 8, 2006
Open It: What TV couple best reflects your marriage: Bradys, Cleavers, Waltons, Cosbys, ect?
Dig Into It:
I. Read Ephesians 5:21 and answer the following questions:
a)Why should we submit ourselves to our spouse?
b)Where do we get the power to do this? See verse 18.
II. Read Ephesians 5:22-24 and answer the following questions:
a)In what ways should we submit to Christ? How should a wife apply this to her relationship with her husband?
b)What does it means to be “the head”? What would happen if there were no “head”?
c)“Wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” That statement sounds all encompassing, but can you think of any situations in which a wife should NOT submit to her husband? If so, how would you justify your answer scripturally?
III. Read Ephesians 5:25-27 and answer the following questions:
a)Why did Christ give himself up for the church? How can a husband’s sacrifice make his wife a better woman?
b)Respond to the following statement by F.F. Bruce: “By setting this highest of standards for the husband’s treatment of his wife, Paul goes to the limit in safeguarding the wife’s dignity and welfare.”
IV. Read Ephesians 5:28-30 and answer the following questions:
a)Can a man love his wife without first loving himself?
b)Do you think this is part of the problem in many marriages today?
V. Read Ephesians 5:31-33 and answer the following questions:
a)How does the slogan “United we stand, divided we fall” apply to marriages?
b)In your own words, how would you summarize the goal of Christian marriage?
Reflect On It:
1. Paul devotes twice as many words to instructing husbands as he did to instructing wives. What does this say about men? about women?
Pray About It:
