Holiness and Relationships
Text: Colossians 3:12-17
Introduction: This week, as we continue in our series, "In the World, But Not of It," I want to address the topic of holiness and relationships. Before we get started, I would like to preface my message by telling you that the principles found in this passage pertain to any relationship, and so should be appropriated across the board. Today, however, we’re going to attempt to apply them to the marriage partnership. Even as I say this, there are some of you who are thinking to yourselves, "Save your breath preacher. What you’re going to share might work for some, but it isn’t going to make a difference in my marriage." Maybe you have come to the point in your relationship with your spouse where you have either resigned yourself to live with something far less than the ideal, or maybe you’re beginning to entertain thoughts of getting out while there’s still time to find true happiness. For too many people marriage seems to be nothing short of a three-ring circus. There’s the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and suff-ring. Who knows? Perhaps you feel like the man who knew his honeymoon was over when he attempted to fix the attic fan. In the process he managed to scratch his forehead on a crossbeam, pick up splinters in both hands, and draw blood while replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, he missed a step and sprained his ankle. As he limped into the kitchen, bleeding and in pain, his wife took one look at him and said, "Are those your good pants?"
In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas attempts to provide Christians with a different perspective on the primary purpose for marriage. He argues that God’s fundamental intent is not to make us happy, but holy. "It is," he says, "the crucible that grinds and shapes us into the character of Jesus Christ." Have you ever thought about marriage in this way? It might just be possible that God has called you into a relationship with your spouse so that you might learn to love someone in the same way that God loves you (See Jeremiah 31:3 - "I have loved you with an everlasting love..."). If this is true, then you and I have to consider something we likely have never thought before. God has led us to our mates because in our marriage to them we have been provided with the best possible environment for becoming a holy man or woman. (Repeat this statement.) Now let’s look at how we can build holy relationships.
Background: In the paragraph preceding our text from Colossians 3, the Apostle Paul calls on all believers to rid ourselves of anything that belongs to our earthly (fallen) nature. We are to do this by putting to death those offenses that were a part of our former way of life (i.e. sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language). Now in verses 12-17 the mood changes from focusing on the negative to the positive. One commentator likened it to coming out of darkness into the light of day. The same motivation that prompts Christians to cast off our old ways encourages us to embrace new ones. Paul then goes on to explain in greater detail how this new life plays itself out in our relationships.
I. Our relationships (i.e. marriages) are holy when we embody the character of Christ (See Colossians 3:12-14). As God’s new creatures we are called to live as His chosen people, holy (set apart) and dearly loved. These words, applied to Israel in the Old Testament and to Jesus in the New Testament (See 1 Peter 2:4; John 6:69; Ephesians 1:6), are now used here of all who follow Christ.
A. Compassion (lit. "bowels of mercies" because the tender emotions were thought to flow from the bowels...the interior parts of a person). This refers to a deep sensitivity to the needs and sorrows of others that results in taking action (See Mark 6:34).
B. Kindness. The Psalmist says, "Taste and see that the Lord is kind, i.e. good (See Psalm 34:8; Proverbs 12:25)." It is in our expressions of kindness, not merely to those who have been kind to us, but to the ungrateful and wicked, that we identify ourselves as sons of the Most High (See Luke 6:35).
C. Humility. It is the opposite of pride. Just like in some circles today, humility was not esteemed as a virtue in the ancient unbelieving world. The Jews were different of course. They believed that man must humble himself in order to walk with God (See Micah 6:8). Humility, lowliness of mind, was also fitting for followers of Christ, who is described as "gentle and lowly in heart (See Matthew 11:29).
D. Gentleness. Moses illustrated this quality well when, faced with undeserved criticism, he did give way to anger, but prayed for his accusers (See Numbers 12:3). Gentle people are not weak, under control. Gentleness is not a sign of weakness, but self-control.
E. Patience. Just as God shows patience toward those who have not yet turned to Him (See 2 Peter 3:9), so we are to do the same with others. Patience is evident when we bear with (tolerate) and forgive one another (See Matthew 18:22).
F. Love. This is the crowning grace that binds all the others together. Jesus said that all of the law and prophets hang on our ability to love God and people (See Matthew 22:37-40) Katherine Anne Porter writes of the importance of growing in our ability to love others. "Love must be learned and learned, again and again; there is no end to it. Hate needs no instruction, but needs only to be provoked." As we learn to love, we show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience in the way we treat others, especially our spouses. We are called to mirror the love that God has for us in our relationships with others. His love is unconditional and he expects nothing less from us. Illustration: I’m reminded of the grandmother who, while celebrating her 50th anniversary, shared her secret to a long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she said. A guest asked the woman what some of them were. She replied, "To tell you the truth, my dear, I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, ’Lucky for him that’s one of the ten!’". That’s the kind of relationships that Paul is talking about here. One that embodies the character of Christ.
II. Our relationships (i.e. marriages) are holy when we embrace the peace of Christ (See Colossians 3:15). When differences threaten to separate believers, the peace of Christ must be accepted as the "arbitrator." That’s what the word "rule" means here. Just as you might hear of an arbitrator deciding a case between two parties that have a disagreement, so the peace of Christ acts as the umpire in our conflicts. We are obligated as followers of Christ to take whatever action will bring the peace of Christ to our relationships. This is not, however, peace at any cost. We are to do the things which make for peace and the building up of one another (See Romans 14:19). In other words, we are to take whatever action will not only resolve the tension, but also help us to be better followers of Christ in the process. The peace mentioned in this verse refers not only to that which we enjoy with each other, but the peace that comes from God as we place our trust in Him. That’s why Paul goes on here to say, "And be thankful." There is a direct relationship between thanksgiving and peace. In Philippians 4:6-7, the apostle tells us not to worry about anything, but to pray with thanksgiving about everything. Then the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds in Christ. No matter the conflict, when we thank God for the opportunity to trust Him, peace results. Illustration: Our Lord is a perfect example of this. Following the last supper, Jesus took bread, and when He had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body given for you." I am always amazed when I consider that Jesus was willing to give thanks for the opportunity to offer His body in payment for our sin knowing what was ahead. Throughout the horrible events surrounding his arrest, trial and crucifixion, Jesus possessed supernatural peace, so much so that He amazed His accusers who expected Him to beg for His life (See John 19:10-11). What enabled Him to respond this way? Very simply, Jesus knew the One who was guiding everything that unfolded in His suffering and crucifixion. Application: We can learn a lot from His example. The same peace that enabled Him to persevere is available to us. No matter how great the conflict or severe the possible consequence, we have the capacity to live free of worry in the will of God. That is because of the peace of Christ that is ours when we give thanks. That same peace acts as an umpire in our relationships with one another and leads us to reconciliation. The failure to pursue peace is an indication that you have not yet decided to rid yourself of the old ways of life. Are you in conflict with your husband or wife today? Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.
III. Our relationships (i.e. marriages) are holy when we engage in the worship of Christ (See Colossians 3:16). Two important activities associated with worship in the early church were biblical instruction and singing.
A. Biblical Instruction - Christian teaching must be based on the teaching of Christ (the word of Christ). It will dwell richly (abundantly) within us when we pay careful attention to what we hear, bow to the authority of the Scriptures and determine to obey them.
B. Singing - When believers come together, we are not only to experience the presence of Christ through the teaching of His Word and communion (not mentioned here), but also through the praises that are addressed to Him. These two activities lead us to a more holy life (See Psalm 119:9-11; Psalm 96:9) and as a result to more holy relationships. Application: I have shared this before, but I will remind you again. In America, one half of all marriages end in divorce. However, only two in a thousand suffer the same fate when a couple worships regularly together. There is something about entering into the presence of God that makes us want to act more like Him.
IV. Our relationships (i.e. marriages) are holy when we exalt the name of Christ (See Colossians 3:17). Paul ends with a general command that covers everything he just wrote. The New Testament does not contain a detailed list of the dos and don’ts of the Christian life. God speaks to us in principles that govern the details. In this case, we are to do everything in the name of Christ. This isn’t a statement telling us that we can do anything for the sake of His name. Rather we are to do only those things which are ultimately in agreement with what Jesus stood for. Permit me to list for you some of things that were done in the name of Jesus from the book of Acts. The gospel was preached in the name of Jesus (See Acts 8:12), people were baptized in the name of Jesus (See Acts 2:38), others were healed in the name of Jesus (See Acts 3:6), demons were exorcised in the name of Jesus (See Acts 16:18) and believers suffered persecution in the name of Jesus (See Acts 5:40). So we must learn to engage in those activities that can be done for the sake of His name. In addition, we are to give thanks to the Father while doing so. If we find ourselves relating to others, especially our spouses, in a way for which we cannot give thanks, that compromises our Christian confession or profanes the name of Jesus, then we are out of bounds!
Conclusion: It seems to me that marriages are often damaged not by big things (abuse, affairs etc) but by little things; a lack of respect, criticism and taking each other for granted. We head for trouble when we fail to realize that these characteristics of the old way that we used to live peck away at the relationship and keep us from ascending to new heights in our love for each other. A while back the space shuttle Discovery was grounded, not by technical difficulties or lack of funding, but by woodpeckers. Yellow-shafted woodpeckers found the insulating foam on the shuttle’s fuel tank irresistible material for pecking. The foam is critical to the performance of the Discovery. Without it, ice forms on the tank when it’s filled with super-cold fuel. This ice can break free during liftoff and damage the aircraft. So the shuttle was grounded until repairs could be made and they could solve the problem of the yellow-shafted woodpecker. All because someone failed to recognize that a tiny bird was capable of causing serious trouble. That’s what the old ways of life do to us. They inflict just enough damage to keep us from truly being able to love each other. The only way we can move ahead is to rid ourselves of them and begin to pursue holy relationships that embody the character of Christ, embrace the peace of Christ, engage in the worship of Christ and exalt the name of Christ.
