OUCH!
1. I’ve titled tonight’s sermon "Ouch!" because that’s the way we feel after our mate hurts us with some hurtful word or action.
2. When that hurt is intentional, your relationship has some serious issues that are beyond the scope of what we’re trying to deal with here tonight. However, most of the time, married people hurt one another without meaning to. We speak or act without thinking through the consequences and end up inflicting pain on one another.
3. Tonight we’re going to talk first about How We Hurt One Another. In one of his books (Hidden Keys of a Loving Lasting Marriage), Gary Smalley has a chapter titled "Eight Ways Husbands Hurt Their Wives." We’ll look at some of the things he says. But we also want to recognize that although men are supposed to be big and tough, women have many weapons at their disposal which can pierce that armor and inflict major hurt on the men in their lives.
4. Then, we’ll talk about What To Do When Your Marriage Suffers An Ouch. There will be two points here:
a. Communication -- if our mates don’t intend to hurt us, then they may not even know what they are doing to cause that ouch. We have to tell them. Marriage manuals don’t have a chapter on mind reading, so we have to work on doing a better job communicating with one another when we feel hurt by something our mates have done.
b. Forgiveness -- most wounds heal over time, of course, but they can leave a scar. Emotional "scar tissue" can accumulate over time and become significant enough to cause a real impediment to a happy relationship. Real forgiveness allows us to leave the past in the past. [Luke 17:3-4 (NKJV) "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 "And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ’I repent,’ you shall forgive him."] We need to take those verses and apply them to the husband-wife relationship.
I. HOW WE HURT ONE ANOTHER
A. Critical words
1. "Sticks and stones . . . words never hurt" Yeah, right! Of course, words hurt. Some married people have become expert at using words as daggers cutting straight to their mates’ hearts.
2. However, we’re talking about ouches . . . and, for our purposes, we’re defining an ouch as an unintentional hurt. Smalley illustrates with a story about a couple he calls Jim and Sarah. They had just arrived at their vacation destination at the beach. Jim walked up, pinched Sarah on the side, and commented, "We’d better watch what we eat on this trip." Let’s give the guy the benefit of the doubt and take his words at face value. Many times people do eat too much on vacation and put on a few pounds. He included himself in the statement. Maybe that’s all he was saying -- let’s be careful to stay on our diets while we’re on vacation. But that’s not the way Sarah took it. She heard him saying, "You’re fat and ugly!" Five years later, she was still self-conscious about her appearance although she was not overweight.
3. Proverbs 21:23 (NKJV) Whoever guards his mouth and tongue Keeps his soul from troubles. There is wisdom in watching what we say. Think before you speak! There’s something to be said for being "slow to speak" [James 1:19].
4. Married couples will have disagreements, but a valuable lesson is learned when we learn how to express ourselves without tearing the other person down. Let me continue with the Jim and Sarah story. After getting home from their vacation, Sarah decided to get into better shape by starting ice-skating. When she told Jim, his comment was, "What do you want to do? Become an Olympic champion?" His sarcastic reply . . . maybe meant to be humorous . . . cut her down and told her he didn’t think she was worth the money the ice skating lessons would cost.
5. Here’s the question: Is Jim too insensitive to Sarah’s feelings? Or Is Sarah too sensitive to Jim’s words? Depending on your perspective, you might make a case either way. But the point is -- if those words hurt Sarah, they hurt Jim’s marriage to Sarah. This marriage eventually ended in divorce. It’s unlikely that Jim’s wisecracks were the sole cause of the marriage failure, but they surely did not help them deal with other problems in the marriage.
B. Not paying attention
1. Smalley also tells the story of Harry and Julia. Whenever Julia wanted to talk with Harry, he tuned her out and turned on the television. It was his way of dealing with problems . . . playing like an ostrich and ignoring them. Instead of sticking his head in the sand, he stuck it in front of a t.v. screen. One night, Julia became so frustrated that she went out to the garage, got a sledgehammer, brought it back to the family room and smashed the t. v. screen. She was sure that Harry would then talk to her. She was wrong. Without saying a word, he got up, walked into the bedroom, turned on the t. v. in there and shut the door.
2. While we don’t approve of smashing t. v. screens with sledgehammers, we must agree that successful marriage demands the attention of both partners. When one is unwilling to pay attention to the other, he (or she) is saying, "You’re not important to me. What you want doesn’t matter to me."
3. Husbands and wives need to treat one another with respect and consideration [Ephesians 5:28, 33 (NKJV) So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. . . . 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.] Everybody needs personal time to do what they want . . . watch t.v., read the paper, etc. . . . but every marriage needs time when total attention is focused on one another. Refusing to pay attention to your mate inflicts a big-time ouch whether you mean to do it or not!
C. Shirking duties
1. Some people have a problem with laziness. Maybe it’s not a conscious decision, but they just don’t carry their fair share of the burden of running a home. Jenny is a flight attendant who is away from home four days at a time. She comes home to a house with dirty clothes and dirty dishes scattered everywhere. Husband Tom greeted her after her last trip with, "Hi, glad you’re home. This place is beginning to look like a dump!" You can imagine what Jenny thought about that comment!
2. At 6:45 one weekday morning, husband Mike got up mad. He was upset because his wife Betty had left the bedroom door open. The kids were making a lot of noise as they were getting ready for school. Mike is thinking, "Just once I wish I could sleep til 7:00 without all that racket." Betty is thinking, "I’ve been up since 5:30 cooking breakfast and getting the kids up and dressed. Why doesn’t he get up and help me? Does he think that all this is my job and he can sleep in every morning and not lift a finger to help?
3. Once upon a time, men got up, went to work, and came home to a clean house and a delicious dinner. Women stayed home, did the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, and child raising. While women may still have some special responsibilities as home managers [1 Timothy 5:14], marriage is a partnership and the workload needs to be shared. That is even more so when wives hold down full-time jobs outside the home. Today’s men do a lot better than their fathers and grandfathers did about helping around the house, but it’s still standard operating procedure in most homes for men to come home and plop down in front of the t. v. while the women head to the kitchen to prepare supper. That’s a generalization, but it’s accurate all too often. It’s a big ouch if wives think they are being treated like unpaid housekeepers -- or even worse, like slaves -- while husbands fail to do a fair share of the work.
D. Acting Superior
1. The stereotype in our culture is still for husbands to be better educated and better paid than their wives. That has changed a lot and it may change even more in the future. . . but it’s still the norm in the majority of marriages today.
2. There’s no problem unless the people involved think their worth is defined by their education level or their salary. However, egos do get involved and we have an ouch. Men, particularly, have a problem when their wives make more than they do. On the other hand, men often have areas of expertise which leave their wives feeling inferior. When the car breaks down or something needs fixing around the house, it’s usually the man to the rescue. There are women mechanics, women carpenters, and women plumbers today . . . but they are the exception rather than the rule. Again, there’s not a problem unless someone starts acting superior. When our words or our actions start conveying "I’m smarter than you" that’s also saying the reverse, "You’re dumb." God didn’t create women to be doormats. And God didn’t create men to be hen-pecked. Men should honor their wives [1 Peter 3:7 (NKJV) Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.] Women are usually weaker physically, but they are still partners in the marriage. Each partner brings a combination of strengths and weaknesses to the table. In every couple, one partner is stronger in some areas. The other partner is stronger in other areas. When they deal with one another from a standpoint of mutual respect and interdependence, there is no room for thinking "I’m better than you."
E. Neglecting Romance
1. Tomorrow is February 14 . . . that date on the calendar conveys certain expectations to most married people. It’s a day of romance.
a. Most wives want flowers, candy, or some other physical reminder that they are loved and cherished. It’s a big ouch if husbands forget. It says, "You’re not important enough to me for me to remember to get you something special today."
b. Husbands want something which tells them they are honored and desired by their wives. The lingerie department of stores is filled with Valentine’s nightgowns which allow wives to decorate themselves and present themselves as a present to their husbands. Truth be told, most women would be more comfortable sleeping in an old sweat suit, but this is a romantic way of expressing their love for their husbands.
2. The Bible has content to meet every need of the human condition. To prepare yourself for Valentine’s Day, go home and read the Song of Solomon.
II. WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE SUFFERS AN OUCH!
A. Communicate your hurt.
1. Find an appropriate occasion to say, "I want to make sure you understand how what you said/did made me feel."
2. If the ouch made you angry, give yourself time to get over the anger before bringing up the discussion. Angry words make things worse!
3. Remember the "Softly and Tenderly" song. Tone of voice, facial expressions, and gestures communicate as much or more than the actual words we use.
a. Make sure you don’t speak harshly. Don’t be sarcastic.
b. Don’t make sweeping generalizations -- "you always . . . " or "you never. . . " It’s better to say "sometimes you __________________ and that makes me feel _____________."
4. When you’re on the receiving end, listen!
a. Don’t get defensive so that you don’t hear what your partner is saying.
b. Put yourself in the other person’s place. Even if you don’t agree, try your best to understand how he/she feels. If you don’t intend to hurt your partner, then you should want to stop doing whatever it is that causes an ouch.
5. If you can’t/won’t change the behavior that causes the ouch, at least be able to explain why you do what you do. Be honest. Explain why it does not mean to you what it means to your mate.
B. Forgiveness
1. Both husband and wife should be interested in finding something to fix the ouch.
a. Little ouches can often be fixed just by talking about it . . . making the other person aware of how their action is coming across. It results in "I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t mean it that way. I won’t do that again." That kind of ouch is like a little scratch which heals quickly.
b. Some ouches, though, are deeper cuts. More effort is involved in bringing about healing.
(1) When sin has occurred, repentance is necessary [Matthew 5:23-24 (NKJV) "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 "leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.]
(2) Forgiveness must be offered when it is sought. [Luke 17:3-4 (NKJV) "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 "And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ’I repent,’ you shall forgive him."]
2. Honesty is essential. Don’t ask for forgiveness unless you intend to change. While we should always be willing to say, "I’m sorry; will you forgive me?" -- we lose credibility if we say that too easily and without really meaning it.
3. Give one another the benefit of the doubt. Luke 17:4 seems to require us to accept a statement of repentance at face value. If he says "I repent" (even seven times in one day), "you shall forgive him."
CONCLUSION
