DADDY 101
INTRODUCTION
"I’d like to think that I’ll be a better father, that I have learned from Dad’s mistakes. On most days I can buy that. But there are times when I look in the mirror and see who I’ve become, and think of who he’s always been, and I’m not so sure. You can’t pick up a newspaper without reading of the nightmare that is child abuse, or how alcohol is ripping families apart. I see these articles and feel a little foolish for my anger. My father was neither abusive nor alcoholic. He was simply absent.
Dad always did love me. He still does – or so he says on the rare occasions when we catch one another on the phone. He had his priorities when I was young, and now I have mine. I’m in jail, and my primary concern is my trial. I’m sure he understands. I always did.
I don’t remember much of him in the early days except that he was my hero. I recall stories I sued to tell the other kids about an important and powerful man. He used to fly in on a moment’s notice. I’d see him for a few precious hours. Then he was gone.
Such is the innocence of youth that when he called, always a few weeks after Christmas or my birthday, and told me that the package I had never received must have gotten lost in the mail, I believed him wholeheartedly. Until I was 13 or 14 years old, I was afraid to mail a letter for fear that the same fate would befall it.
The road from realization to acceptance is a lot longer than it looks. I’ve been on it for the past 5 years, and I’m not all that far from where I started. My father and I have a hard journey ahead of us, provided we can find the time. There is sorrow in his voice when we discuss the past, and I know that if he had it to do over, he’d do his best to do it right. Second chances are few, and it’s much easier to do it right the first time.
My dad loved me as only a father can love a son. I don’t question that. But he was also self-centered and let me down when I needed him most. A part of me will always be that kid at the window waiting and waiting with his nose pressed against the glass; knowing that if Dad said he was coming, he was coming; but waking up curled beneath the window, alone.
I love my father, but looking in the mirror sometimes I get a little scared. We are just so much alike. Father’s Day is just a few months away. There are a lot of kids thinking about their hero’s and a lot of hero’s thinking about their kids. Probably there are many kids who don’’ see too much of Dad. If I’’ lucky, a handful of those fathers are reading this. Your kids will love you whether you make it or not; that is the nature of being a hero. But maybe you should take time to consider how important whatever else you have planned is. We do grow up fast. Just ask my dad, or better yet, ask yours."
Signed – Travis Simpkins, age 20, Fulton County Jail, Atlanta.
And so we see the end result of another failed father. The sad tale of another man who refused to follow God’s plan for the family, the fruit that came to another man who never knew heaven in the home.
Open your Bibles this morning and turn with me please to the book of Ephesians. Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4, as this morning we see together how you can avoid making the same mistake, as we see together God’s beginning class on fathering, Daddy 101. Ephesians chapter 6 and verse 4.
- Read Ephesians 6:4 –
In the book of Ephesians and especially in chapters 5 & 6 of this book, Paul is trying to establish guidelines for Christian relationships. He works to show God’s plan for the family, for Christians, and the church. In chapter 6 and verse 4 we see Paul addressing primarily fathers, and in that verse, this first class on fathering, Paul gives guidelines for God’s plan for Daddies. The first requirement for a godly is that he be present.
I. PRESENT
In this verse, Paul is assuming that there is a father present in the home. In our world today, that is a large assumption. Through death, divorce, abandonment, and premarital permissiveness, there are many homes today without dads in them. Sadly, the fastest growing group in our society today, is the group made up of single, unwed mothers. But let us assume with Paul, that there is a father claiming and supporting the family. Does that mean that he is actually present? Since you men are here today, I am assuming that you are present in your home, that you are taking responsibility for providing for your children and your family, but does that mean that you are actually present?
Too many fathers today, are not home. Too many fathers today are not there when their children need them. Too many fathers today are attempting to parent by proxy. Too many fathers, perhaps some of you, are laying all of the parenting responsibility on the shoulders of your wives. You never assume the responsibility, your position as a leader, as the head of the family that God intended you to have. It reminds me of some of the farmers I’ve known from my time in the Mississippi Delta.
Several years ago, when I lived in Arkansas, I had the opportunity to work one summer with a farmer there who was a member of our church. During the summer I worked for him, I noticed that there were basically 2 types of farmers, at least in that area.
There were farmers who hired others to do the farming for them, and then there were farmers who got out and worked, those who did the farming for themselves.
The first group was made up of men who owned the equipment, and the land, and who provided all of the supplies needed to farm, but who did little actual farming themselves. They paid to have it done for them. The loyalty of their workers was tied solely to how much they were paid. The workers were paid, but they received little guidance, and little encouragement from the boss.
The second group of farmers was made of men who supplied all of the financial and material things needed to farm, but who were also involved in the actual work, in the day-to-day operations themselves. They got in there and plowed, they harvested, and they worked to maintain and repair their equipment. The second is the best type of farmer. The second is the type people like to work for. It’s easier to work late, or to be concerned about the crop if you know the boss is there with you. When you know that he’s not asking you to do anything that he’s not willing to do himself. That’s the kind of boss men are committed to.
Well my friend, the second group also makes the best fathers. Rather than just sending down decrees from on high about how things are supposed to be done, and instead of simply coming home and talking about how the family and the house is supposed to be, the second group of fathers are the ones who get in there and help build the family, realizing that the crop they are rearing in the home is much more important than any that can be grown in the field. They are the type of men who know the areas their children are struggling with in school, and who spend time with them trying to help them bring up their grades. They are the fathers who know when and why their children are hurting, and who provide guidance to help their children through struggles while also providing a comforting shoulder. A godly father, is the one who is involved in his children’s daily lives, and who is not too busy to help. A father like that, one who loves his children and who spends time with them, is a father children will attempt to model their lives after. That is a father they can love.
Tell me sir. Are you such a father? Do you take time to spend with your children? Are you investing yourself in their lives? That is the first fundamental of a godly father, and that is your first assignment from the class, “DADDY 101.” Go home and be with your children. Spend time with them.
But not only must you be present if you are to be a great Dad, but you must also show patience. Look with me again please at Ephesians 6:4.
- Read Ephesians 6:4 –
II. PATIENCE
Verse 4 says, “And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” In his letter to the Colossians, Paul again emphasizes the importance of this when he says in Colossians 3:21 “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
Dads, you need to show patience with your children. You need to strive to keep from embittering or discouraging them. I believe there are 5 primary ways dads frequently discourage their children today. 5 items you need to strive to avoid. Number 1, avoid OVER CONTROL.
1. Over Control – Dads don’t try to regulate every minute and every aspect of your childrens’ lives. Don’t spell out every breath and step your child takes. Allow them to have some room. A little at first, when they are young, but as they grow, give them more space. Allow them to make some mistakes, so they can learn from them.
I believe that is one of the greatest failings of many pastors with children today. Many pastors are so scared that their children are going to make a mistake, that they place unreasonable restrictions on them. Their children, in turn, rebel against their fathers’ guidance and fall.
As Dads, there are many things we have to say no to. There are many things we cannot allow our children to do. Offset that by saying yes to as many things as possible and save your no’s for really important situations.
Give a little breathing room. Don’t over control. You need to have the patience necessary to allow your children to make some mistakes when they are young or they will never learn to avoid them when they are grown.
Avoid over-control. Not only do you need to avoid over-control, but you also need to avoid unreal expectations.
2. Unreal Expectation – Some children are discouraged by over-control and others are moved to anger and frustration by unreal expectations. Fathers, your children are not perfect, anymore than you were when you were growing up. Don’t expect them to be perfect in behavior. They’ll never measure up. Also, don’t have unreal expectations for them in the area of education either.
Not every child in the world is an “A” student. An “A” is supposed to go to students who are way above average. B’s are supposed to go to good students, and C’s are supposed to go to average students. Well, there is no way every child can be above average. Don’t place unreal expectations on them in the area of school. If they’re an “A” student, then accept nothing less, but don’t place unreal expectations on them about their grades.
Don’t place unreal expectations on them in the area of sports or anything else. Just because you excelled at something growing up, doesn’t mean that your child will. Perhaps he or she will excel at something you’re not so great at. We are not all wired the same.
Some dads show no patience because of over control, some show no patience through unreal expectations, and there are others who discourage their children through unwarranted punishment.
3. Unwarranted Punishment – Dads, show patience and make the punishment fit the crime. Don’t allow the little things your children do, to become big things, simply because you’ve had a bad day at work. Let the punishment fit the crime. Just because you’ve had a bad day, just because you and your wife are having problems, just because the car wouldn’t start and the mortgage is due, is no reason for you to take out your frustrations on your children.
I remember when I was growing up, sometimes when I messed up, my Dad would send me to my room to “Think about it.” Now, when I went to my room to “Think about it,” that meant that a whipping was on the way. I used to think that my dad sent me to my room and made me wait for my coming whipping, just to torment me, just to make me suffer longer. It wasn’t until I was older that I found out the real reason my dad sent me to my room to think about it, was because he was angry and wanted to cool off before he spanked me. Looking back, I’m glad he took that cooling off time, because a few of those whipping I got I’m afraid that he might not have waited long enough on.
Dads, make the punishment fit the crime, and make it consistent.
4. unacceptable criticism – One of worst ways to destroy your son or daughter’s hope, one of the most effective ways to break his or her spirit is through criticism. We’ve all heard it. Parents who tell their children that they can’t do anything right, or who tell them that they’ll never amount to anything.
Criticism comes in many ways besides overt words. Some parents never praise their children. Some parents give faint praise, or back-handed praise. They’ll tell their children, “Good job, but we’ll do better next time won’t we?”
What is the result of such criticism? Your children lose heart, like a horse that has had its spirit broken. You can see it in the way a horse moves, and you can see it in the eyes and posture of a disheartened child. (Disciplines of A Godly Man, p. 50).
Dads, don’t discourage your children through criticism.
There is a 5th major way some Dads discourage their children and that is by Undeniable Favoritism.
5. Undeniable Favoritism – One of the most exasperating and damaging sins a father can commit against his children is favoritism. Now I’m not saying that you should treat all of your children alike, you can’t. Some children need more discipline, some need more independence. Some need more encouragement than others. Some need more structure; some, more holding. All children cannot be treated alike, but neither should one ever be favored over another. Remember Isaac, how he nearly destroyed his family by favoring Esau over Jacob. Remember how Jacob favored Joseph over his other sons, and how it led to jealousy, fighting, and attempted murder within the family.
Dads, there can be no favoritism in your home, if it is to truly be all that God intended. Dads, show your children some patience. Let them be who they are, and encourage them along the way, each one individually.
Great Dads are PRESENT, great Dads show PATIENCE, and great Dads are persuasive. Look with me again there in Ephesians 6:4.
- Read Ephesians 6:4 –
III. PERSUASIVE
Verse 4 says that a father is to “bring up” his children. Now the word translated as “bring up” means to nurture, to instill, to rear. It means to nourish or feed.
Now, how are you to persuade your children, how are you to bring them up? How are you to nurture and feed them? True persuasion between parent and child has 3 ingredients. Number one, it includes tenderness.
1. Tenderness – For some reason, we men sometimes get the idea that there is something wrong with being tender. For some reason we have gotten the idea that there is something wrong with hugging our children, or with hugging others, or with being outwardly kind to them.
I remember when my brother Dusty returned from spending a couple of years in Japan. The Marine Corps had sent him to Japan for a year to work on radios. While he was there, he was sent, supposedly for a month, to Okinawa. To make a long story short, he ended up being stuck in Okinawa for over a year.
Finally, the day came when he flew home. I went to the Orlando airport to pick him up. When he came off that plane, we grabbed one another in a bear hug, turned circles and danced for a couple of minutes. My brother was finally home.
The people around us looked at us like we were crazy, but we didn’t care, because we loved each other.
Did you see the inauguration? Did you see the president and his Dad tear up a time or two? Did you see George W. hug his daughters and his parents? You see anything wrong with that?
Tell me, who are the ones the most afraid of showing tenderness? Isn’t it the teen boy with a few hairs sprouting on his chin? Isn’t it the young girl who’s afraid her friends will laugh?
Dads, grow up. Your children are your children, persuade them with tenderness.
But not only does persuasion between Dad and child require tenderness, but it also requires Discipline.
2. Discipline – Verse 4 says that children are to be brought up with discipline. In the early 60’s some taught that spankings were unjust to children and that they should be allowed to make all decisions for themselves. We are reaping the harvest of that stupidity today. First came the hippy movement. Then came a wave of people proclaiming “If it feels good, do it.” And so our society today is filled with people who no longer realize that every action carries a consequence.
Many parents today complain that they can’t control their teenagers, and they can’t understand why. In many instances the problem is that the parents did not discipline their children when they were growing up. They did not, as Proverbs 22:15 says, “Remove the root of foolishness, through discipline.” When they finally tried to do something about the way their children were acting, it was often too late.
Several years ago, I spent some time working in some rice fields in Arkansas. Something I learned while working there, was that one of the ways farmers work to control weeds and grass in their rice fields, is to cover their fields with water. Usually, if the weeds and grass in the rice are found and covered early enough, the water will frequently kill much of the weeds. But, if the weeds are allowed to remain, if they get a strong foothold in the field, they are almost impossible to kill. The same is true with children. If their disobedience is corrected early enough, before it is allowed to get a firm grip in their lives, then it may be stamped out; but, if you allow them to rebel, if you allow them to talk back, if you allow them to disobey, and it goes unchecked, then it can grow in their lives to the point where it is almost impossible to correct. That’s why the Bible says in Proverbs 13:24, “He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
Several years ago, I had a friend who taught at an Elementary School, in Sanford. This friend told me that she had one boy in her class who continued to give her trouble again and again and again. Each time it would get out of hand, she would call the boy’s grandmother. Each time the grandmother came to the school, she would tell the boy, “If I get called down here again, I’m going to spank you.” Finally my friend told the lady, “That’s the problem right there. Every time you come down here you tell him that the next time he’s going to get spanked, but you haven’t done it yet.” The grandmother agreed. She borrowed my friend’s paddle, took the boy in the other room, and wore him out.
Do you know what? Anytime the teacher had trouble with the boy after that, all she had to do was remind him that she could call his grandmother, and he would straighten up.
When I was growing up, if I got into trouble at school, then I got into trouble at home. My dad used to say, “If you get a paddling at school, you can plan on getting another one when you get home.”
Now days, parents are afraid that they’ll do their children a disservice by punishing them, that they’ll stunt them or something. Hogwash, you want to do your children a disservice, then let them grow up believing that they can do anything they want with no consequences.
Now, spanking may not work in every case. I don’t even advise it in every case. Some children are too old for that to be effective. There are other ways to discipline your children.
A while back my brother, who is police officer in Jacksonville, was called to a home for a domestic dispute. A mother was having trouble with her teenage son. I don’t remember exactly what the problem was, but the son had gone in his room and locked the door, and his mother couldn’t get him to come out. The boy had been in and out of trouble and felt that he could come and go as he pleased and didn’t have to do anything his mother said when he was home.
To make a long story short, after talking with my brother, the woman took the door to her son’s bedroom, off the hinges. She took his TV, his stereo, and his bed. She left him a mattress on the floor and told him that was all he would get in his room until he earned the other things back.
Parents, your children do not have to have a stereo in order to live, regardless of what they think. They do not have to have a Nintendo. They do not have to have a TV or any of those other things they believe they are entitled to. Those are extras you let them have.
Let me tell you, if you do not teach them to mind, to have respect for those in authority, to obey when you speak, then you are condemning them. How in the world are they supposed to hold down a job if they think they don’t have to do what their boss tells them? How are they supposed to get along in society, when they think the law doesn’t apply to them? How are they supposed to have a good home and a happy marriage, if they think the world revolves around them and that they don’t have to do anything around the house?
Dads, if you love your children, discipline them.
Persuasion includes tenderness, it includes discipline, and it includes instruction.
3. Instruction – Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Dad’s you need to teach your children. You need to teach them about God.
a. God – There are some parents today who say that they don’t want to influence their childrens’ decisions about God and religion. O, we’ll let her make up her own mind about that when she grows up. I don’t understand that reasoning. You don’t let them decide about whether or not to brush their teeth, when they get older. You don’t let them make their own decision about going to school, or about bathing. What is more important?
Turn with me please to 1 Samuel 3:11.
- Read 1 Samuel 3:11-13 –
Here was a Dad who let his sons make up their own minds. Here is a dad who didn’t teach his children about God as he should, and you see the end result.
b. Wives – He who finds a wife, finds a good thing.
c. Finances
d. Morals
e. Values.
CONCLUSION
Many years ago a farmer had an unusually fine crop of wheat. Just a few days before the wheat was to be harvested, a terrible hail and wind storm came. The entire crop was destroyed. After the storm was over, the farmer, with his little son, went out on the porch. The little boy looked at what was formerly a beautiful field of wheat, and then, with tears in his eyes, he looked up at his dad, expecting to hear words of despair. All at once his father started singing softly, “Rock of Ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in Thee.” Years later, the little boy, now grown to manhood said, “That was the greatest sermon that he ever heard.
Tell me dads. What kind of sermon are you preaching with your life?
