How to Help People Who Are Really Suffering.
Job 2:11-13
Reverend William A. Huegel
First Baptist Church of Wallingford
January 29, 2006
Job’s Three Friends
11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.
12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.
13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
Introduction
Did you ever enter a hospital room or the sick bed of someone who was so sick he/she might have died? Did you notice how unkempt their hair was (a guy may be unshaven)? A cancer patient may be bald from a reaction to chemotherapy. Their color has waned. They look small, shriveled up, and they have no strength. In a word, while you would never say this to them, they look terrible. They look so bad that you almost do not recognize them. It’s hard to know what to say. Everything you thought about on the way to the hospital seems trivial now. You have no words of cheer, no brilliant words of theological insight. In fact, you are speechless. That’s what Job’s friends found when they went to him.
What Job’s friends did right:
I want to talk today, about an aspect of the book of Job that often gets overlooked. I want to talk about what Job’s friends did that was right. They blew it later, but when they first came to Job, they were wonderful. I’ll give them a hard time next week, but this week I want to lift up all the things they did for Job that really ministered to him.
By the way, God seems to be in this series of sermons in a wonderful way. Sue Fowler, who suddenly lost her husband just a couple of years ago, spoke to the children during the children’s story. She told them of how the church helped in the midst of her suffering. I didn’t arrange that. I didn’t think this through. I didn’t come up with the brilliant idea of having her speak to the children and to share her personal testimony but God has directed our paths for our mutual benefit this morning.
After sitting with Job for a week, his friends blew it. They had a need to explore what went wrong and why Job suffered so much. They seemed certain that he had done something wrong, and thus God was punishing him. They were wrong.
Listen to what they did for that first week.
11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.
1. The first thing you must notice is that they came to him. They refused to do nothing. They did not simply stay home and say to themselves, “Gee, ain’t it awful what has happened to poor Job.” No, they got together and came to him.
I must tell you, that it’s a temptation to stay home. It’s a temptation for me – and I should be used to this. I’m not. I don’t ever want to get used to people’s sufferings. I never really know what to do. You can reason that I’m the professional. I’m the pastor, and clergy are supposed to know what to do. Well, I’ve taken some courses on how to help people, and I have tried to help people in grief for years; but I never have the right words to say. I am never bubbling over with brilliant insight. I always feel somewhat like a bumbling novice. Because I never quite know what to say, I often face the temptation of staying home. I usually resist the temptation, but it’s there.
I remember hearing the news of a young man who was suddenly killed in an automobile accident. The family was very dear to us. I was deeply concerned for them, but I also remember the feelings of hating to go over there:
- I would be touching their pain.
- I reasoned that whatever I said wouldn’t be very helpful.
- They would probably think of me as an idiot.
- Maybe I would just make things worse.
- Maybe they wouldn’t really want to see me.
- Somebody else could probably help more.
Folks, those feelings are normal, but they are wrong. It is the testimony of everyone I know that the worst thing you can do is to stay away. People need to know others care.
Now, you probably won’t do exactly what Job friends did. They were following certain customs of the day. Our customs are different, but there are some principles of caring that come from this book that is very helpful. The first thing they did was to come to Job. Let me encourage you. When a person is suffering grief – go to them. Be with them.
12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.
They could hardly recognize him. That’s not unusual. Sometimes people suffer so much that they look disheveled. Their hair may be unkempt, they may not have shaved, their clothes may be baggy, they may be in their sleeping clothes, their eyes may be heavy, they may have lost sleep, and they may not have eaten for a while. They may have lost weight and may have lost the color in their skin. In other words, a person in deep grief may look terrible. Expect it. Don’t let it shock you. Don’t be surprised.
2. They wept with him. “They began to weep aloud.” Folks, Americans (especially white Anglo-Saxon New Englanders) don’t know how to weep. Those of us whose ancestry goes back to the British Isles tend to keep a “stiff upper lip.” We don’t let on what we are feeling. It’s associated with strength. Maybe there is something strong about it, but it is also a huge weakness. People get ulcers; they develop unexplained anxieties and suffer in many ways because they don’t know how to cry.
Other cultures don’t have that problem. In some cultures, people wail loudly. To fail to wail, to cry, to carry on, is to communicate your lack of caring. It’s simply the way it’s seen.
Let me tell you two things the Bible says about this.
1. Don’t grieve like those who have no hope” (I Thess. 4:13).
2. “Weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice.” (Romans 12:15).
We have so emphasized the verse that says that we should not grieve like those who have no hope that we think it a weakness if we show signs of grieving at all. It isn’t a correct understanding of that verse. It’s not helpful! There are times when the only appropriate thing to do is to weep. Weeping with those who are suffering grief and loss communicates that we do, in fact, deeply care. Go ahead and weep. Job’s friends began to weep aloud.
3. They expressed their deep feelings in a tangible way.
a. The next thing they did was to tear their robes. It was their custom. We don’t do that, but how else do you communicate to someone that you so feel for them that you are feeling their pain. Tearing one’s shirt says, “I feel torn inside”. “I feel so badly for you, that it’s tearing me up.”
b. The other thing they did was to sprinkle dust on their head. Isn’t that a silly thing to do? They sat there with torn clothes and got all dirty. No, it wasn’t silly. It was their custom. Putting dust on one’s head is the ultimate sign of humility. It was a way of saying, “I know you feel so humbled by these tragedies. I know you feel so low that you feel like dirt!” I am feeling that with you.
Do you know what we tend to do? We want to cheer them up, so we say, “Oh don’t feel so bad. It will get better. You have your whole life ahead of you. It’s too bad your mother died, but she was 70, and the Bible says, 70 to 80 years and that’s it. We have to expect it. Pick yourself up and get on with it. That’s what she’d want you to do you know. No sense in sitting around having a “pity party” for yourself.
Another approach is to say, “Well, I went through that once, and let me tell you what I did. Listen to me; I’ve got some good advice for you. You better take it. It will help you. I just got up, brushed myself off and said, I’ve got to move on with life. And I did.”
Inside, the suffering person is feeling, “Yeah, right! Good for you! How soon will you be leaving?”
On a scale of 1-10, do you know how helpful these “helpful” words are? They get a zero! The truth is we have never been where the other person is in their suffering. We’ve gone through our own share of suffering, and sometimes the other person will ask us how we got through it. In that case, tell them, but unless they ask, just be there. Even if it’s hard and even if you feel like you don’t have the right words to say. You don’t!
Express how badly you feel for them, recognize how terrible this is, how torn they must feel, and how terribly humbled before God they must feel!
4. They sat silently with him.
And do you know what they did then? 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was. They sat with him. They didn’t leave him alone. They gave him space, but they didn’t leave him alone. They lost sleep, they probably went hungry, and they thus suffered with him. They didn’t leave him alone, even though they didn’t say a word to him. I wonder if they brought him water and food and ate with him. I wonder if they provided a blanket for him. The text doesn’t say, but it would make sense to me.
You and I feel the need to talk. We have to say something, but I admire those who can just sit. I often see this when a husband or a wife is very ill and is in the hospital. Sometimes the loving spouse will come with their knitting or with nothing at all, and they will come into the room and just sit, sometimes all day long. When their suffering-husband or wife needs a drink, they are they to help them. If the nurse needs to be called, they will call them. When meals come, they will help open things and place things where it’s easy to get them. Sometimes the patient is so sick they need to be fed, so they feed them. Most of all, they are simply there. Quietly but patiently and lovingly there! I’m not telling you that I’m like that. I think my wife might tell you I’m not, but I admire it. It’s helpful.
Job’s friends were simply there. They sat silently with him. Perhaps they were ready to bring him a drink of water, a loaf of fresh bread to encourage him to eat, or a soft pillow for when Job needed to rest. You are a very privileged person if you are the one who has the quiet task of simply, silently being there. Some folks are there to run errands, do shopping, take care of kids, make phone calls, provide meals, and fix their car or their plumbing. It’s a way of being with them and that’s the most important thing.
Job’s friends sat silently with him. The text doesn’t say prayed, but if they were godly people, it makes sense to me that they did. Maybe that’s mostly what they did, but they did it quietly-silently. Praying out loud with people is good. I usually do. It seems to help, but sometimes words don’t do it. Sometimes I pray for people, they just continue to stare into the ceiling, and I get the feeling they didn’t hear a word I said. It’s OK. I know that my words were inadequate to express what they were feeling. Just be with them.
Telephone calls can express concern. Sometimes people don’t want to talk, but by all means, call. It communicates caring. They can let the answering machine pick up if they want.
Emails or notes in the mail can help. People can read the notes when they are ready.
They don’t have to respond.
According to Dr. Kubler-Ross, when people are terminally ill, they often go through stages. It’s different for everyone, but commonly people will go through stages of:
- Denial (this isn’t really happening to me).
- Anger (I am so furious, so angry at God about what’s happening)
- Bargaining (God, if you heal me, I’ll be a missionary!)
- Acceptance (I know that God is with me, and that I’ll be with Him forever.)
We need to simply be there for them and care for them so they can move successfully from one stage to the next. We need not try to answer all their questions. Just be with them. Some people clean house for people. They want to do something. It’s a way of being with them. It’s not the cleaning that matters. It’s the expression of kindness that matters. Someone once said, “When I was young, I valued cleverness. Now that I’m old I value kindness.” In the end, kindness is the only thing that matters.
Conclusion:
1. Job’s three friends went to him to sympathize with him and comfort him. Be there.
2. They began to weep aloud (sometimes one can only weep – the Apostle Paul says, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice).
3. They expressed their feelings tangibly. Tore their robes – sprinkled dust on their heads. It was a cultural thing. It communicated how torn and humbled they felt for him.
4. They sat with him silently for a long period of time because they saw how great his suffering was. This was no walk in the park for them. They suffered with Job.
We certainly can’t do all of these things for everyone that suffers--only for loved ones and for very, very close friends. When we can, it’s a great privilege to simply be with people in their most private and painful moments of life.
Let us pray!
