Married, But Not Best Friends, pt. 2
Song of Solomon 5:16
The symbolism of Song of Solomon has to do w/ our relationship w/ Christ as His bride.
Now, marriage is the highest level of relationship created by God…so, friendship ought to reach it’s very zenith in the context of the marriage relationship.
3 Key words:
1. Companionship
Everybody wants not only someone to be married to but who will also be their FRIEND!
Friends spend time together, want to be together [grow fonder, not go wander!], have fun together, and talk together.
They say that the family that prays together stays together, but just as true is this: the family that plays together stays together!
How do you spend your leisure time? Going in different directions is a recipe for disaster!
I ask couples during premarital counseling if they love each other, and then I ask if they LIKE each other. There is a difference!
Why is companionship so important?
1. Because it is unhealthy for a married person to spend the most enjoyable moments of their life in the company of someone else
2. Because pursuing your own interests without your spouse demonstrates selfishness
3. Because this will lead to a fulfilling marriage
4. Because shared experiences lead to shared feelings
2nd key word:
2. Conversation
v. 16 Our text says “his mouth is most sweet”. This isn’t suggesting he’s into bubble gum flavored lip balm! She’s not talking about his physical mouth, and certainly not his breath. “Halitosis!” [to tune of Hallelujah Chorus…
Rather, he’s sweet in what comes out of his mouth, his words!
Men, would your wife say that about you. Think of your conversations just today, or just this week.
Typical scenario: a couple starts to date, and it’s one looooong conversation all the time. When together, they talk, when apart, on the phone, or writing letters.
Ill.—Kimberly and I would talk for 2 hours each Saturday when engaged but apart one summer! And the time flew, and the egg timer would go off, or the operator would say to deposit quarters I didn’t have!
“I don’t wanna hang up, you say goodbye first, ok, we’ll both just say bye and hang up.” [gag]
Then they get married, and the “business” of being a couple, having an apartment, etc., and jobs starts to take over a lot of the conversation. And then subjects come up like in laws, finances, kids, and oh, this seems different than our talks on the phone!
Soon he’s hiding behind a newspaper or staring at a tv screen saying “uhu” under his breath, and she says, “I miss our talks, I wanna talk.” He says, “ok, about what?” Well, if you don’t know, then just nevermind!”
Then she notices he can have good conversation w/ a friend on the phone or at church.
Ill.—one time Kimberly said of my best friend, “I guess I’ll just have to call Tom so I can see how your day went!” “OK, dear….ummm, I mean, know, I’ll tell you!”
Resentment starts to setting in, and then some guy at work is willing to talk to her, and he not only talks to her, but listens to her, and he’s not looking at a tv, but into her eyes…he’s focused! Whoa!
Where’s the next stop for that couple? A bedroom! And for the married couple? Problem city, and divorce court! And sadly, then the cheating couple gets married and it starts all over again…well, it doesn’t have to be that way!
What are some things close friends do?
• They share themselves with each other.
• They confide in each other.
• They learn more about each other.
• They discuss their innermost thoughts, ideas, and goals with each other.
Close friends talk!
Proverbs 27:9
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel. [communication]
How many of you men just love it when your wife wears a certain perfume? This verse says that as pleasant as that sense is for you, that’s how your wife feels when you really talk to her.
Typically, women have a greater need for conversation than men do. It helps her feel united to and bonded w/ her man. It helps her feel loved and cared for.
And when a man ignores her all day, acting like Archie Bunker, and then suddenly at 10 PM turns into Rudolf Valentino, it makes her feel cheap and used.
The goal of courtship is 2 fold:
• To get to know each other better.
• To convey how much we love each other.
Why should these goals be dropped after the wedding?
We have no problem talking during courtship. But many of us are very goal driven and “conquer-oriented”, and after the wedding it’s like, “ok, mark that one off the list…she’s mine”.
Men, let’s set a new goal now that she married us…the new goal is not getting her, it’s keeping her!
Marriage counselors say couples not only need to talk…but they need to talk at least 1 hour per day! “I can’t believe you just said that in front of my wife!”
But the average couple doesn’t talk 1/10th of that, and that’s adding up all the business and “survival” talk, which doesn’t even count! We’re talking about just regular friendship talk. “well, I told her I loved her once, and if I change my mind I’ll let her know!”
The TV is the main enemy in most homes, and 1 hour is nothin’ then.
Why do couples stop talking?
• Too busy with work—I know sometimes we’re held over or something comes up…but when that’s the rule rather than the exception, it begins to fill out the death certificate for your marriage.
• Different interests—covered that last week.
• Selfishness—we develop other priorities we consider more important, but they’re not!
• Fighting—some don’t cope well w/ problems, and their conversations often turn into fights, so they stop wanting to talk.
Enemies of good conversation:
• Using words as punishment.
Ephes. 4:29
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Words can never be taken back.
“Boys flying kites call in their wide-winged birds,
but you cannot do the same with flying words.”
Never once have I regretted the mean words I held in when I was angry, but often I’ve regretted things I let fly! Now, we should talk, but not until we can say it properly!
• Using words to force agreement [w/ your way of thinking]
James 1:19
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Is anything more annoying than someone wanting to force their way upon you, and they are always right? I’ve learned this even as a preacher. I can’t force anybody to believe anything. And some will agree outwardly just so you’ll shut up! [Hey, don’t say amen to that!]
• Dwelling on mistakes, past or present
Philip. 3:13
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before…
Some develop a critical spirit to the point that you feel you can’t do anything right…because they want to find a problem.
Some do this w/ the pastor. They don’t like something, but they don’t talk about it, at least not w/ him, but they hold it in, and in time they develop a “closed spirit” toward him, and he can’t do anything right. I mean, he could call down fire from heaven and they’d complain that the room was too hot! I could hand some people a $20 bill and they’d scoff at why I didn’t make it 2 tens!
And in a marriage, if we hold things in, we can develop this closed off spirit that builds and builds until it final explodes like a volcano!
Joke—one man was so critcal of his wife, she couldn’t do anything right. She said, “even a clock that is stopped is right once a day!” He said, “actually dear, it’s twice!”
Friends of good conversation:
• Undivided attention
1 Peter 3:8
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
Often in my messages I say “look this way”. Because it’s common courtesy to look at someone who is talking to you. Sure, it’s possible to lisen w/out looking, but not as likely, and I want to know you’re listening!
We tell our kids to look at us when we’re talking to them, and our spouses deserve the same courtesy.
• Giving a response
1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife…
I’m gonna give away one of my secrets, and now my wife will know how I operate, but it’s that important I’m letting the cat out of the bag.
Learn to repeat back to your spouse what they just said.
Ie: “so, what you’re saying is: ….”?
Am I hearing you right? What you’re trying to tell me is…
Obviously, we’re talking about meaningful conversation, not just, “so, you’re saying hand me a tissue, right?”
But rather, “you’re saying you were hurt when I commented on your hair, ok, I’m sorry.”
Often when I do this, she says, “actually, no that’s not what I’m saying…”
So, it helps to clarify…but it also demonstrates, “I’m listening.”
Scenario: wife only gets grunts from husband, so she storms out of the room mad. And he says, “what’s the matter, I didn’t say anything!”
Exactly.
Just as important as what we say is what we don’t say.
Sometimes we just don’t want to talk about something, but maybe our spouse does.
• Respecting their opinion
Again, I Pet. 3:7- “giving honor”. Women’s intuition is not a myth…they have a sort of esp when it comes to moods, facial expressions, and body language.
Ill.—my wife picks up on much that I miss, and is usually right!
• Speaking in love and with kindness
Col. 4:6
Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt…
Adjectives to avoid: harsh, brash, unkind, cocky, arrogant, belittling, painful…these are all the opposite of our text, a mouth that is sweet.
• Talking just to talk
We don’t have to have a reason, or big business going down. It doesn’t have to be a desperate situation that has arisen. Just talking for the sake of talking, maybe about nothing…or how about this, just for fun between friends!
Ill.—husband raises eyebrows and gets a gleam in his eye and says, “you wanna turn in early and go back to our room?” Imagine her replying, “why, are we trying for another child?”
• Positive praising
Proverbs 31:28
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Read Song of Solomon: before he ever touches his new bride, he praises her many times over. [7 times]
3 Benefits of conversing:
• Clearer understanding of each other
• Learn how to meet each other’s needs
• Become best friends!
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http://gbcdecatur.org/sermons/MarriedBestFriends.html
