BECOMING THE MAN OF YOUR WIFE’S DREAMS
2 Guitars tuned to each other can both be out of tune, even if they sound just alike. But 2 guitars tuned to the same pipe or to the same tuning fork will both be in tune.
So last week as we began this series on marriage and the home, we saw that the only way your marriage is going to be all you want it to be is for both husband and wife to be in tune with Jesus Christ.
Getting Jesus first, is the easy part to figure out. How exactly we men play our part in the plan is a bit more difficult to figure out some times. As I was thinking about the difficulty of trying to figure out how you and I can become the men of our wives’ dreams, 2 thoughts came to mind. First, I thought about the Diet Coke commercial, where the women in the office building all gather at the window to watch the construction worker across the street take a break. Seeing that none of us look exactly like the model in the commercial, I thought we had better figure out a way to work with what we have.
The second thought that crossed my mind was that I could get my wife Gladys to write this message and have her tell us men how to become the man of our wives dreams. I was afraid of doing that, however, for fear that I wouldn’t be the man she described.
I finally decided that I had better check the Bible and see what it says about being a great husband. I decided to check and see what the Bible says you and I are to do to become the men of our wives’ dreams. Probably the best passage of Scripture on this is found in the book of Ephesians. So open your Bibles this morning and turn with me please to Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 21. Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 21, as this morning we see together, How To Become The Man Of Your Wife’s Dreams. Ephesians chapter 5 and beginning in verse 21.
- Read Ephesians 5:25-33
In verse 25, Paul says that husbands are to love your wives as Christ loved the church. The standard is pretty high isn’t it? But, what does it mean to love your wife as Christ loved the church? What can you do to become the man of your wife’s dreams? Number 1 you need to love your wife with a sacrificial love.
II. SACRIFICIAL LOVE
When Jesus came into the world, He loved the church. He loved us enough to leave heaven and all of its comforts, come to earth, take on a human body, be spit on and made fun of, crowned with a crown of thorns, and nailed to a cross. That’s what sacrificial love is, and that’s required if you are going to be the man of your wife’s dreams.
Now, when God said for you and I to love our wives that way, He didn’t say they deserved it. He didn’t say your wife was worthy of that kind of love. He didn’t say to love her that way if she did something to deserve it or if she did something for you in return. He said, “DO IT!” Sacrificial love is unconditional. If God waited until we deserved His love before He sent His Son, He never would have loved us. But, He did. He loved us like we were. The Bible says that, “God showed His love for us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” When you were at your worse, God still loved you.
Men, if you want to be the man of your wife’s dreams you must love her sacrificially and unconditionally. Now I believe that sacrificial love today, in the context of pleasing your wife, involves 5 requirements. Number 1. If you are going to love your wife sacrificially, you need to show her affection.
- 1 Corinthians 7:3 – “Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.”
1. AFFECTION – The word translated in this verse as “Fulfill his duty,” basically means to show affection, to show good feelings, or to make feel good.” Men, you need to show your wife affection, you need to show her some romance as well. To most women, affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval. Men, when you show your wife affection, you are telling her that she is important to you and that you are proud of her.
Man, there are a million ways to show your wife affection. There are a million ways to romance her. One good place to start is with a hug. A hug, when you’re not expecting anything in return, can say a lot to your wife about how much she means to you. Most women can’t get enough of them. Tell me men, how often do your hug your wife? How often do you rub her back when you walk by her, and you’re not after anything? Men, women are people of touch. They are encouraged by touch. Hug your wife.
You can show your wife affection and a little romance by taking her out to eat unexpectedly. I’m reminded of the story of the mid-west couple who went to sleep one night, only to be awakened in the middle of the night by a tornado. Before they knew what was happening, the tornado had picked them and their bed up and began to carry them through the sky. All of a sudden, the woman began to cry. Her husband turned to her and said, “This is no time to be crying.” His wife answered, “I can’t help it. This is the first time we’ve gone out together in 20 years.” Men take your wife out to eat every once in a while.
And while you’re at it, open her car door and the restaurant door for her. Hold her hand while you’re walking from the parking lot. Let her see that you love her, that’s she’s important to you, and you don’t care if the whole world knows it.
Affection also requires time. You need to spend time with your wife, doing things you both enjoy doing. Affection and romance take time.
Man, send your wife some flowers, send her a card, call her on the phone in the middle of the day and tell her that you’re thinking about her. Gentlemen, romance and affection can be inexpensive, but you’ll never fulfill your wife’s dreams without it.
Sacrificial love means taking the time to show your wife affection. Sacrificial love also means loving your wife enough to talk with her. Number 2, “Communication.”
2. COMMUNICATION – In a recent study done by a leading woman’s magazine, women said that their number 1 complaint about their husbands was that they didn’t talk to them enough.
Men, talk to your wives. Talk to your wife about her day, and about what interests her, and about how she feels. Talk to her.
And women, you know that we men are sometimes a little weak in this area, so help us out. Let me share 3 steps you can take to help your husband talk to you more.
a. Show some interest in his interests.
b. Let your husband talk as much as you do.
c. Make conversations with your husband pleasant. You can and must discuss some unpleasant things from time to time, but don’t major on them. Don’t spend all your time talking about how your husband has let you down. Make your conversations as pleasant as possible.
Men, sacrificial love requires affection, it requires communication, and it requires Honesty & openness.
- Proverbs 12:19 – Truthful lips will be established forever, But a lying tongue is only for a moment.
3. HONESTY & OPENNESS – If there is ever a place in this world where there should be honesty and openness, it is in the home, in the marriage. Men, you need to be honest and open with your wives. Jesus told the disciples He was leaving. He told them what He would be doing while He was gone. And He told them that He would be back. Gentlemen, you need to do the same with your wives. Let them know where you are going. Let them know what you are doing and where you can be reached. Don’t leave them wondering and worrying. Truthful lips will be established forever.
Don’t be sneaking around, going places and doing things your wife wouldn’t approve of. Don’t leave them wondering where you are and what you’re doing. Be open and honest with them about your struggles, about your finances. Keep everything above the table.
Sacrificial love requires honesty and openness, and if you are to be the man of your wife’s dreams, she must have it as well.
4. FINANCIAL SUPPORT – Gentlemen, becoming the man of you wife’s dreams means that you support her financially. I’m not talking about buying everything in the world she might want. I’m not talking living in a palace, I’m talking about being able to support her where she doesn‘t have to worry.
Now, that may mean that you have to give up a few of the toys or a few of the extras you might like. It might mean that you have to go to school and train for another job. It might mean that you’ll have to change jobs even though you are comfortable where you are. Let me tell you, financial security is important to a wife.
Now, do we go through periods where things are tight? Yes! Do we go through periods where the bills seem to never stop? Yes! But supporting your wife financially means that at least you provide your wife with the hope, that better days are on the way. Perhaps you’re waiting for a promotion, or your business is getting established, or you’re finishing school or you’re getting some past bills taken care of. Those things happen and they’re OK. But at least give your wife the hope that better days are on the way.
I remember when Gladys and I got married, things were tight. I worked as a bi-vocational pastor, and I worked as a substitute teacher, and I worked in a bakery, and I did maintenance work, and Gladys and I did yard work. That’s fine. If you and your wife work through tight times at the beginning of your marriage, it can actually strengthen your marriage, but let her see that there’s better days on the way. Let her be encouraged by the fact that you’re working to get ahead and that she’s not going to have to worry about keeping a roof over her head for the rest of her life.
Men, you and I can live hand to mouth OK for a while, but we need to do our best to take care of our wives financially. And I’m not talking about working 60 & 70 hours a week all the time. That just leads to other problems at home. I’m talking about adjusting your job, or your spending habits, or standard of living, so that financial pressures can eventually be taken off of your wife.
If you are going to be the man of your wife’s dreams, if you are going to love her sacrificially, then support her financially.
- Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
- Ephesians 6:4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
5. FAMILY COMMITMENT – Loving your wife sacrificially, becoming the man of her dreams, requires a family commitment. In both of these verses men, or parents are commanded to rear, to train and teach their children. Men, your wives need you to be good fathers. Child rearing is not just for mothers. Diaper changing is not just for mothers. And I don’t want to hear anything about you working all day, and it being your wife’s responsibility to take care of the children. If your wife is anything like mine, she works as much or more than you do, and if she doesn’t then I’ll be talking to her next week; be sure and have her come.
Men, don’t leave the book reading, and the game attending, and the discipline just up to your wives. You need to spend time with your family, as a family, every week. If you aren’t working for your wife and you’re not working for your children, then who in the world are you working for? And don’t tell me you’re working for the Lord all the time, because that’s hogwash. It’s God’s will that you take care of your wife and your children, that’s part of serving Him.
If you want to be the man of your wife’s dreams, then watch the children from time to time so she can have some time alone or some time with her friends. If you want to be the man of your wife’s dreams, then spend some time with your children, teaching them to avoid the mistakes you made growing up.
Man it takes sacrificial love, to go out and play ball with your children when you get home at the end of the day. It takes sacrificial love to go to the park with the family at the end of the week, or to spend your Saturday teaching your daughter to ride her bike instead of hanging out with your friends. Oh, but as you do, look back over your shoulder and see if you can’t spot your wife watching from the window, smiling as you and your children play. If you want to be the man of your wife’s dreams, you need to make a family commitment.
If you are to be the man of your wife’s dreams, you must have sacrificial love. If you are going to be the man of your wife’s dreams, you must also have sanctifying love. Look with me again please at Ephesians 5:26.
II. SANCTIFYING LOVE
- Ephesians 5:26 – that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word,
Now the word translated here as “Sanctify” means to make holy or to make more Christ like. Husbands, if you are to be the man of your wife’s dreams, you need to sanctify her. By that I mean, you protect her from the dust and the filth of this world. Men, if you really love your wives, you will do everything in your power to maintain her holiness, her virtue, and her purity, everyday that you live. You’ll never put her in a situation where you would cause her to get angry, because that’s a sin. You will never do anything to defile her. You won’t expose her to anything that will cause her to feel dirty or unclean.
Men, not only do you need a sacrificial love and a sanctifying love, but you also need a self love.
III. SELF LOVE
- Read Ephesians 5:28-30 –
6. HONOR – Men, sacrificial love also includes honor. You need to honor your wife.
- 1 Peter 3:7 You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor . . .
Men, you need to honor your wives. You need to build them up. I am reminded of the story of the woman who was fishing for a compliment from her husband. She asked him, “Honey, do you love me because I’m astonishingly beautiful, extremely intelligent, or stunningly sensual?” Her husband answered, “Most of all I’m grateful for your vivid imagination.” That man didn’t do a very good job of honoring his wife, of building her up.
Winston Churchill did a much better job of honoring his wife at a formal banquet in London one night. At the banquet, the host asked each person attending to stand and answer the question, “If you could not be the person you are, who would you most like to be?” All eyes were on Winston Churchill, waiting to hear what he would say, as he was the last man in the hall to answer. Mr. Churchill stood, and pausing to take hold of his wife’s hand answered, “If I could not be who I am, then I would most like to be Lady Churchill’s second husband.”
Men, do you build up your wife when you are alone and when you are around other people? Do you point out her strong points, or do you emphasize the negative? Does your wife ever hear you telling other people what a great wife she is, or what a great mother she is, or what a caring person she is? When was the last time you told her you loved her? When was the last time you told her she was special? When was the last time you told her that you thanked God for bringing her into your life?
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing . . .
Proverbs says that He who finds a wife finds a good thing. Do you act like you’ve found a good thing and do you tell her you have? Men honor your wives.
Gentlemen, if you are to be the man of your wife’s dreams, love her like you love yourself, imperfections and all.
In march of 1990, Robertson McQuilkin, the former president of Columbia Bible College, announced his resignation with the following letter.
My dear wife, Muriel, has been in failing mental health for about 8 years. So far I have been able to carry both her ever-growing needs and my leadership responsibilities at Columbia Bible College. But recently it has become apparent that Muriel is contented most of the time she is with me and almost none of the time I am away from her. It is not just “discontentment.” She is filled with fear – even terror – that she has lost me and always goes in search for me when I leave home. Then she may be full of anger when she cannot get to me. So it is clear to me that she needs me now, full time.
Perhaps it would help you to understand if I shared with you what I shared at the time of the announcement of my resignation in chapel. The decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel “in sickness and in health . . . till death do us part.” So, as I told the students and faculty, as a man of my word, integrity has something to do with it. But so does fairness. She has cared for me fully and sacrificially all these years; if I cared for her the next 40 years I would not be out of debt. Duty, however, can be grim and stoic. But, there is more; I love Muriel. She is a delight to me – her childlike dependence and confidence in me, her warm love, occasional flashes of wit I used to relish so, her happy spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration. I do not have to care for her, I get to! It is a high honor to care for such a person.
My friend, if you want to be the man of your wife’s dreams, love her like that.
