Henry David Thoreau, the writer and naturalist, once said, “Most men lead quiet lives of desperation.” If you believe television, most housewives do as well. In the show, Desperate Housewives, Susan Mayer, Lynette Scavo , Bree Van De Kamp, Gabrielle Solis and Edie Britt lead us through a dizzying series of events which explain why they are so desperate. Newsweek (“Sex and the Suburbs,” November 29, 2004) summed up the characters this way: “Susan is a divorced children’s book author and major klutz. . . . Lynette gave up her career to become the mother of four and is so overwhelmed she’s become addicted to their ADD medicine. Bree is the local Martha Stewart, a woman who brings homemade potpourri to the marriage counselor even though it’s her perfectionism that’s driving her husband away. Gabrielle is nouveau riche, miserable and having an affair with the teenage [boy] who cuts her lawn. But don’t confuse her with Edie, she’s just the neighborhood slut.” It is no wonder they are desperate. Their adulteries, addictions, dysfunctions, lies and inanities are not kept under wraps any more than they are. One of the ironies that Newsweek points out is that one of the homes used on the set is originally from the old Leave it to Beaver show, and was the home of Ward and June Cleaver. Now there is contrast for you.
Wisteria Lane is an appropriate name for the street on which the housewives live. Wisteria is a vine. It can be beautiful with its cascading blossoms. The twisting vine, known for its ability to climb high, can also be very destructive if not kept under control. It can actually tear down brick walls or kill an oak tree, and at the same time produce beautiful blossoms with a sweet fragrance. Like the beautiful people who live on Wisteria Lane, you would not expect something so beautiful could be so destructive. It’s all about suburban motherhood in the post-modern, post-feminist age. There is a great deal of sickness and evil which exists behind the masks of these pretend-perfect people who are in desperate pain. No one on the program is really happy or satisfied with life, in spite of their affluence. You could say they live on Hysteria Lane. One thing you have to ask is, “How did they get so messed up?”
The reason their lives are so awful is that they are based on all the wrong things: materialism, self-fulfillment, pleasure seeking and pretense. Even their occasional association with the church is formal and all about making the right impression. Their lives are desperate and their marriages dysfunctional for at least three reasons, and the first is that they do not realize that marriage is built on: Self-giving, rather than self-fulfillment. So many people seek out a relationship for what it can do for them. In our culture, even sex has lost its context of relationship. It has become a mechanistic performance, rather than a mutual exchange of love and pleasuring between two people who respect each other and want to put the other first. It is the divorce between sex and relationship that causes us to toss around terms like “hooking up,” and “friends with benefits.” Our culture has lost the concept of sacrifice and putting others first.
I love this passage from 1 Corinthians 13 in the Living Bible: “Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). The only problem with that is that it doesn’t make for marketable TV. Can you imagine an evening soap opera with characters who live on Corinthian Lane and whose lives and stories were modeled after these verses?
The way of Christ is opposite the way of the world. It was Jesus himself who said, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant. . . just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:26-28). Jesus was the model for the way of life he asks us to live. Marriage is not a place where we expect a person to fulfill all that we find missing in life. Marriage is not where we get a person to serve us and meet our needs. Marriage is not where we look for what we can get, but a place where we look for what we can give. The one who wants to lead must be the one who learns to serve.
Believe it or not, there are those rare times when I will prepare a meal and have it ready when Sue gets off work late, or I will sweep the carpet, empty the dishwasher or straighten the house. I always hope she will notice and shower some praise and thanks on me. If she doesn’t say anything, or doesn’t seem to notice, I am tempted to say, “Notice anything?” or “Did you see I put things away?” But every time I am tempted to do that ,I realize that silence is the better part of wisdom, because she picks up every day, loads and unloads the dishwasher every day, prepares meals every day, and she never says, “Did you see what I did?” Although she never has, I am always afraid she will say, “Yeah, and did you see who did it the rest of the week, this month, this year, these 39 years?” So I just silently praise myself for how wonderful and sacrificial I’ve been, and let that be good enough. Learning to have a servant’s heart is an important part of marriage. It’s not about what I can get out of it, but what I can give to the marriage that matters. It is not about self-fulfillment, but self-giving.
The second thing that the residents of Wisteria Lane do not understand is that successful marriages are built on is: Building each other up, rather than tearing each other down. It always amazes me when I am around a couple that has gotten into the habit of arguing. Somehow they developed a way of reacting to each other so that when one person makes a point the other always makes a counterpoint. Everything is about being right — winning and losing. They are always keeping score. Likewise, one or both people in the marriage get into a habit of criticizing each other. I keep using the word habit, because it is not something that they set out to do, it is just a way of responding to each other which they developed over time. They never give the other person a moment of peace. Something is always wrong with them, or wrong with what they have done. I think the worst thing you can say to another person is, “What is wrong with you?” It is so damaging, because now you are not only criticizing what they have done, but who they are as a person. It is implying that there is something seriously wrong inside them. The Bible says, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Last year I read Nathaniel Hawthorne’s short story, “The Birthmark.” He lived and wrote in Salem, Massachusetts in the 1800’s. It is the intriguing story of a quasi scientist/chemist named Aylmer. He marries a beautiful young woman named Georgiana. Her beauty was spoken of far and wide. But there was a single small blemish — a tiny birthmark on her cheek, in the shape of a small hand. Those who loved her said that it was the imprint of an angel’s hand at her birth. But after their marriage, Aylmer asks his wife if it ever occurred to her that her birthmark could be removed. She is offended because she has considered it a beauty mark, and has been told by many of her former male friends that it was charming. But he says to her that she is so near perfection that it is a shame to have something so small spoil her beauty. Aylmer discovered that as time went on, when he looked at her all he could see was what had now become to him a hideous birthmark. No longer did he see her beauty, only her imperfection. Her face now became a single physical flaw. It was not long until Georgiana began to despise the birthmark as well, and it became for her a source of shame, so that she now hated it more than her husband. One day Aylmer told his wife that, as a chemist, he could concoct a potion that would dissolve the birthmark and leave her face perfect. Out of a desire to please him, and be free from the thing he had caused her to hate, she agreed to drink the scientist’s skillfully brewed chemical. As Aylmer watched, she drank from the crystal goblet, and the tiny birthmark seemed to slowly, and even miraculously, disappear. He was overwhelmed with joy at his success, and cried out in triumph over his accomplishment. But as the last fading pink disappeared from Georgiana’s cheek, her spirit slipped away along with it, and she breathed her last. In his attempt to remove the imperfection from his wife, he killed the one he loved.
Hawthorne’s tale of “The Birthmark” could be retold in countless homes across our land, where one spouse has become obsessed with the imperfections of the other. No longer can they see beauty in the other, only the glaring imperfection. They take on the perfecting of their partner as their life project, slowly wearing away at it and delivering potions for them to consume. Eventually, the imperfection not only becomes despised by the partner, but by the person as well. Little does the partner realize that in attempting to perfect the flaw in the other person, they are killing them in the process.
Doesn’t the world do enough to tear us down and make us hate ourselves? Are not the shows on television and other media constantly telling us that our value as a person is measured in our sex appeal? Don’t the commercials tell us that we are incomplete without this or that. Don’t they constantly put before our eyes the perfect bodies and personas which make us feel that we do not measure up? Shouldn’t our homes be the one place where we are built up rather than torn down? Shouldn’t we be giving positive messages to our spouses and to our children? Shouldn’t marriage be the place where we are loved for who we are — birthmarks and bulges and all? I had a friend who was facing a growing mountain of criticism, but he would say to me, “It doesn’t matter, because I know that God loves me and Karen loves me!” That is how it should be with us.
The third thing that the residents of Wisteria Lane do not understand is that successful marriages are built on: Continual growth, rather than taking each other for granted. I am always stunned by people, who once the marriage ceremony is over, don’t work at the relationship any more. They spent a lot of time, effort and money in the courtship, and then something inside their head shuts off when they get home from the honeymoon. They no longer court their mate. Sometimes they don’t even feel it is important to be nice to their spouse or do things for them. How many of you still go on dates? How often do you talk to each other or spend time with each other? How much effort are you investing in the relationship?
I remember one Saturday morning, in our men’s discipleship group, when we were talking about the importance of continually working at our spiritual lives. We talked about how imperative it is to build holy habits, to build regular prayer and study of the Word into our lives — to put effort into our relationship with God. I looked over at Dr. Tom Mallory, who is a member here and a part of our Saturday morning Bible study group. He is now retired, but he is the founder of Joint Implant Surgeons in Columbus. He performed the first total hip and knee replacements in Columbus, Ohio , in 1971. His interest in biomedical engineering led to the design of the Mallory/Head Total Hip System which is used internationally. But during our study I said to him, “Tom, what would have happened if, after graduating from Ohio State and Harvard Medical Schools, you never read another book or article in the area of medicine? After all, you studied at the finest schools in the United States, and you were probably tired of studying when you finally graduated after all those years.” In spite of his tremendous achievements, he is a very humble person, and he just kind of chuckled at my question. He looked over his glasses and said, “The only thing that medical school does for you is teach you how to study. After you learn how to study, it is a lifelong process.”
My question to Dr. Mallory was intentionally absurd, and his response was even better and more insightful than I was hoping. The point was that if you stop growing and learning as a Christian, you will fail as a Christian. And certainly, what is true in our relationship with God is true in our marriage — if you stop putting effort in your relationship, your relationship will fail. Regardless of whether you have passed the courtship course and gotten your marriage certificate, if you stop being a lifelong learner and lover, you will fail the ultimate test. The reason that affairs are so explosive is because of the tremendous amount of effort people put into them. If the same amount of effort was put into these people’s marriages, their marriages would be different. There is no point along the way that you can just stop. You can’t take the relationship for granted and let it coast, or it will die. You may still have everything in place as far as outward appearances, but something inside will have died. Don’t settle for adjusting to your problems, fight for the growth and development of your relationship, and let it begin with you.
Have you ever wondered if there is someone out there who could make you happier than you currently are? Especially in the middle of a disagreement, it is possible to think you might be more compatible with someone else. I recently read about Suleyman Guresci, of Izmir, Turkey, who divorced his wife after 21 years of marriage. But Turkey is not like the United States with its instant divorce laws. Their divorce was a bitter six-year court battle. Guresci was determined to find the ideal woman for his next marriage and turned to a computer dating service, similar to eHarmony.com — the kind that evaluates your written profile and suggests matches for you. Out of over 2,000 prospective brides, the computer dating service selected only one person for Guresci — his former wife. Unknown to him, she had signed up for the same service. So what did Guresci do? He decided to remarry his wife just nine months after their divorce was settled in court. He said, “I didn’t know that my ex-wife had been the ideal counterpart for a marriage. I decided to give it another try by being more tolerant toward her.”
Good thinking Guresci! The same is true for many people. The perfect person for them is living right next to them, and all that is lacking is the ability to see the person with new eyes and investing the necessary effort to take the relationship from where it is to where it could be. Very often, as Jesus said, it is the hardness of our hearts that makes separation seem like a solution, but in the beginning it was not so. What God has joined together, let not man separate.
Rodney J. Buchanan
January 15, 2006
Mulberry St. UMC
Mount Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org
