Married, But Not Best Friends
Song of Solomon 5:16
Song of Solomon is a beautiful OT book of the Bible. It’s written in poetic form, depicting the beauty and satisfaction of the marriage relationship. But the symbolism of the book has to do w/ our relationship w/ Christ as His bride.
It’s interesting that God chose to symbolize our special relationship w/ Him by using analogy of marriage…that tells us that marriage is supposed to be a taste of heaven on earth!
C.H. Spurgeon said there should be such harmony in the home that angels could dwell with us, and never feel out of their element.
The bride is speaking of the groom and says…[read text]
Can you honestly say that your spouse is your friend? How about your best friend?
God joins 2 into 1 flesh, and that means much more than just them becoming lovers…it means joining hearts, joining dreams, joining thoughts…it means being best friends!
Titus 2:4 [the aged women…]
That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
The word “love” here is the Greek “philandros”, which means friendship. Now, what city’s name comes from that? Philadelphia! – The City of Brotherly Love.
This is not a romantic love or an erotic love, but a friendship kind of love. So, it would not be out of line to translate this verse, “wives, be friends with your husbands.”
Ephes. 5:29
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
The word cherish means delighting in one another’s company / holding one another dear. From the Greek “thalpo”, meaning literally, “to hold closely to keep warm.” It’s talking about friendship.
Now, marriage is the highest level of relationship created by God…higher than even mother/child…so, friendship ought to reach it’s very zenith in the context of the marriage relationship.
So, ladies, no relationship you have w/ any other person should come close to the relationship you have with your husband. Not even one of your precious children, not another lady, and certainly not another man.
Men, the same goes for us. No buddy, no coworker, no hunting partner, no member of your tree house fort secret club, no wedgie recipient, and no guy who can get you Illini basketball tickets should ever exist on the same playing field as the wife God has joined you to.
Couples should be best friends…but it is by no means a sure thing. It isn’t automatic because you exchange vows, trade rings, and swap spit! Matter of fact, I believe true friendship is strangely absent from most marriages today.
One woman wrote, “Do all marriages go stale after 25 years? Ours has. We used to talk about our kids. But now they’re grown, and we’re out of conversations. I have no major complaints, but the old excitement is gone. We watch a lot of television and we read a lot. And we do have friends that we get together with. But when we’re all alone together it’s pretty dull. Is there some way to recapture that old magic?”
Signed, The song has ended.
I’m here to say on the authority of God’s Word that it doesn’t need to be that way. We can cultivate a wonderful friendship within our marriage relationship.
There are many, many reasons why most marriages lack a friendship basis, but we’ll only touch on 1, and this can benefit old and young, married and singles, so listen up:
A major cause of a lack of friendship in marriage is couples focusing on physical contact in the dating relationship. And when the physical takes priority in a romantic, dating relationship, the friendship automatically stops growing.
I’ve shared before this illustration of an ice cream sundae:
Bowl—intellectual union (that’s a friendship)
Ice cream—emotional union (like turns to love) “Big Like”
Toppings—spiritual union (share goals and dreams)
Whipped Cream—physical union after marriage
Here’s the danger: if you enter into the physical relationship before marriage, the other 3 parts stop growing immediately!
All you have is the whipped cream…not in love…but in lust! You find yourself saying I was physically attracted to this person, but I don’t really know if I like them…I have “loved” them – but what I really want to know now is do I like them?!
You never grew together intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually!
You stand there w/ nothing but a handful of whipped cream, and it gets old, and you throw that away too!
But…if you start the physical after marriage, the way God intended, then the other 3 parts just keep on growing! Then you have more than an intimacy partner, you have a best friend who really loves you.
I believe this is a major contributing cause of a lack of marital friendship, because pre-marital relations is so commonly accepted and practiced, and so absolutely rampant in our society.
To the couples sitting here right now who know God is speaking to them on this matter, there is hope…plenty of hope! Just as surely as there is a problem there is a solution. Maybe the cause I just listed applies to you, and maybe your lack of friendship was caused by something else, it doesn’t matter, there is hope! God doesn’t want to punish you throughout the life of your marriage because of some mistakes along the way…He offers hope and help!
Here’s a key word for us to focus on: Companionship
Story:
Guy likes golf and girlfriend likes to work out. But they like each other so they try each other’s interests. They golf together and have a lot of fun, and he tries to teach her the sport and she makes extra effort to try. And sometimes they go work out together even though it’s not as fun to him as golf, but still, he’s w/ her and that’s what makes it great.
They get married, and start to take each other for granted, and they fail to realize the importance of companionship after they get married. They forget about the friendship, the courtship, and that the way you get ‘em is the way you keep ‘em. So, girl starts telling guy to go do his thing and while he’s on the golf course, she’ll do her work out…so now guy is going in 1 direction and girl in another.
But after a while guy meets other girl on the golf course…she’s a good golfer, and she really appreciates HIS love for the sport, too! Wow, they have a common interest! Meanwhile, girl meets other guy at the gym, and he’s a real gentleman…almost reminds her of the kind way she was treated by her husband when they were dating. “Would you spot me on this machine?” “Well sure,” says other guy.
What do we have now? Guy and girl are both cultivating relationships w/ other guy and other girl, and deciding maybe they like them better than their spouse. One thing leads to another, all in the devil’s design, until finally something happens, a breakup ensues, and all because the lack of companionship left them looking elsewhere for something more…and what do they look for?
Someone they can not only be married to, but who will also be their what? FRIEND!
Ladies, you’d better set a goal to be your husband’s best friend. Men, likewise!
How do you spend your leisure time? Going in different directions is a recipe for disaster!
As much as possible we should do things together. This doesn’t mean that if you like to hunt and she won’t go with that you can never go…it simply means you can’t let that consume you to the exclusion of companionship with her.
It doesn’t mean that if she loves to go antiquing and you despise it [and if you’re normal, you do despise it!] that she can never go…it simply means she shouldn’t make a career out of it to the exclusion of spending time w/ him!
I’m talking about men who do what they want to do to the exclusion of their wife, most every day off they have, and they’re headed for divorce court…a healthy marriage cannot operate that way.
Why is companionship so important?
1. Because it is unhealthy for a married person to spend the most enjoyable moments of their life in the company of someone else
I want to grab some guys by the throat and ask them why did they want to get married…if they just wanna be w/ the boys all the time or live for their sports or sit at the PC until their fingers do a mind meld w/ the keyboard, then why get married? Same for some ladies, that will talk on the phone w/ girlfriends for hours on end, and shop ‘til they drop, then why do they keep that guy around? If all we seem to need in our spare time is a television, then why do we need a spouse?
If the only time you have fun is when they aren’t around, then how in the world will you ever have a friendship together and maintain any form of closeness?
Some may say, we don’t have common interests, God made us different. Well, I’ll just bet that if you’d pray about it, God would give you something you can both enjoy together. I know it’s true, because I did just that w/ my oldest son. I was looking to bond with him, but I could only take so much of Thomas the Tank Engine. I tried to get into the stories and learn all their names and numbers, and I laid miles of track in different formations, but it just wasn’t there for me, and I realized if I didn’t find something else to bond over I might accidentally shoot myself in the face! So, I prayed for God to open a door of something that wasn’t such a sacrifice for me to do together w/ my son…and then, out of the clear blue sky my mother in law won a Nintendo Gamecube system, complete with games, from a local radio station. She didn’t believe it when they called her, and waited over a year before someone in the family convinced her that she may have actually got something for nothing and that she should go and claim her prize! Anyway…we’ve discovered these 2 player games, and are having a blast with it. [We have to set time limits, and avoid violent games, etc., and take steps to keep things in proper balance]. But we have been working together to conquer different levels, or race in 2 man race cars where we each have our own jobs to do, and it’s been a total answer to prayer. He’s better than me on a lot of it…it’s amazing how fast kids learn and how quickly adults forget. I’m slowing down fast!
And the whole family has gotten into things as simple as puzzles, jump rope games, and tropical fish, and even a dog which, if we let him live, can have a real bonding effect on all of us!
So don’t give up…swallow your pride, push away selfishness, and pray and see what God may give you to do together.
Companionship is important because anything less is unhealthy…
2. Because pursuing your own interests without your spouse demonstrates selfishness
It’s really sad when full grown adults act like kids… “if I can’t do what I wanna do, I’m picking up my toys and going home!”
3. Because this will lead to a fulfilling marriage
Are you looking to just fulfill your self, or to have a fulfilling marriage? You’ll never be happier than when you strive to be a giver, not just a taker. The more you give the more it will make them want to be a giver, which benefits you naturally, and it all snowballs from there!
Ill.—an all too common scenario: a man has fun w/ people at work, but goes home to “the washer is broken, the dog pooped on the carpet, a kid is sick, etc.” Then he spends his day off doing something else, but only thinks of his spouse in terms of survival, and just getting by…but if you never have fun together, then you’ll always associate negative things w/ them, while you associate the fun times w/ others.
4. Because shared experiences lead to shared feelings
If God made 2 into 1, then it makes sense that those 2 will do 1 thing together often!
Does the Bible teach this? Is this theology or “me-ology”?
Ephes. 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
• That’s a sacrificial love…nothing is so important that you won’t sacrifice it for her.
Ephes. 5:26-28
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, [27] That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. [28] So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
• That’s a sanctifying love.
Ephes. 5:29-31
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: [30] For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. [31] For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
• That’s a secure love. Some people are insecure because they’re not sure if their spouse really likes them as a friend or not.
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http://gbcdecatur.org/sermons/MarriedBestFriends.html
