What Wives wished their husbands knew about Women
Gladstone Baptist Church - 15/8/04
Screen “Vive La Difference” - We are So Different video before sermon
I received an email the other day which I thought was funny enough to share with you ... It was an advertisement for evening classes designed for MEN ONLY!! There was a note that read “Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early for early bird rates” Here are the course
1. Toilet paper: does it grow on the holders?: roundtable discussion.
2. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Practical session with dirty clothes basket.
3. The after-dinner dishes and cutlery: do they levitate and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves? Debate among an eminent panel of experts.
4. Loss of virility: losing the remote control to your significant other. How to find help lines and support groups.
5. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health: powerpoint presentation.
6. Real men ask for directions when lost: real-life testimonial from the one man who did.
7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Find out for yourself in our driving simulator.
8. How to be the ideal shopping companion: relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
9. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late: bring your diary, calendar or pda to class.
10. Getting over it. Learning to live with being wrong all the time: individual counselors available.
Do any of you guys want to sign up for any of these courses? Do any of you ladies want to sign your husbands up for any of these courses? I thought so ...
Look, tonight I don’t want to pull any punches. And while I will be speaking about what wives wish guys knew about women, I want to start off by addressing one major misconception that is out there. It is fundamental to everything else that we talk about tonight and is applicable to both males and females so listen carefully because if you miss this one, you are introuble.
Here it is - you ready ... “Men and Women are not the Same”
Now isn’t that so enlightening? We might as well pack up and go home now. I mean - Ladies, you’ve been wondering why you struggle with guys so much. The answer is simple - “Men and Women are not the Same!” Guys, you have never quite been able to figure out your wife and well it’s beginning to bug you. Here’s the answer - “Men and Women are not the Same!”
Tonight, I want to spend some time considering “What are some of the key things most women would like us males to know about them. Being a male, I find myself in a rather difficult predicament. You see it is a fearful prospect to stand up here, a man, and presume to know what Women want. Now, I have not been electrocuted like Mel Gibson in his movie “What Women Want” so I do not have the supernatural ability to read women’s minds. Therefore I did the next best thing and took a survey of many of the women in our church and associated ministries. I received close to 40 responses. For all you guys who are interested, I’ve compiled a full list of their responses which you can pick up as you leave. Wives, if your husbands don’t want to take one, but they need to, I’ll let you take one too.
Before we go any further, why don’t we just pause and pray that God would help us to listen and understand some of these important things tonight. Pray
Men and Women are intrinsically different. The feminist movement has tried for decades to convince us that there are no differences between men and women. And while the feminist movement has achieved a lot of good in the area of women’s equality, they have sought to misleading us into thinking that the only differences between males and females is the obvious plumbing differences. Science though is showing us more and more that there are physical differences from the earliest stages of development. For example ...
„X I watched a program just recently on recent medical findings that have shown that females brains, on average, have a larger deep limbic system than males. Quoting from the Brainplace.com - “This means that women are more in touch with their feelings and are better able to express their feelings than men. They have an increased ability to bond and be connected to others (which is why women are the primary caretakers for children - there is no society on earth where men are primary caretakers for children). But on the down side, having a larger deep limbic system leaves a female somewhat more susceptible to depression, especially at times of significant hormonal changes such as the onset of puberty, before menses, after the birth of a child and at menopause.”
Interesting isn’t it. Men and women are different. Because that is the way we were created, not because we were conditioned by our environment to be that way.
I think that it is really funny that life is so like the little drama we just watched. the differences in people are often what initially attracts them to each other - Their differences are So Good. But after a while these same differences begins to frustrate each other. They move from being So Good to being Challenging to Driving me Crazy. Until we realise that God created us Male and Female - that God created us fundamentally different, we are going to be at each other’s throats continually. We need to acknowledge that we are different and then see the differences not as an annoyance but as an opportunity with huge potential.
But what are some of the key things that we as men need to know about women and their differences? I’ve got 3 things I want to briefly touch on.
1) Women have a deep need for effective communication. They need to feel LISTENED to.
Would you have picked this as one of the top 3? John Gray says that “As a marriage counsellor, the number one complaint he hears from women who come to see him is “My husband does not listen to me.” Here are some of the comments from my survey ...
Just listen - I don’t want him to solve or fix my problems
Listen - not fix!
Don’t turn off when I am trying to talk to you
Women primarily communicate to build relationships. They talk about feelings and emotions openly and find that talking about problems helps them feel better and helps them work things through. When they share problems, they want a sympathetic ear. They don’t want a solution, they want to express how they are feeling.
For Men, communication is very different. For Men, communication is a tool for solving problems. If you have a problem, you solve it yourself if you can, and if you can’t you talk about it to get a solution. If we do talk about other things, it is usually about things and activities don’t we. We usually hate talking about feelings and so our relationships are not based on talk, but activities like fishing or footy. We have mates that do things with us.
Deanna and I live down at Boyne and so after every day we have a nice drive home to debrief about our day’s events. But our talk is very different. In response to the question, how was your day? My answer is “Okay.” Further probing usually drags out a factual account of what I did during the day, but rarely will it drag out any emotional commentary of how it made me feel. But when I ask Deanna the same question, I find that her response is very different. The response is detailed. It always includes comments on how it made her feel or what she is concerned about. I instinctively want to jump in and suggest all manner of solutions. I am a male and I was trained as an engineer. So I am a Mr Fix-It two times over. But Deanna doesn’t want solutions, she wants to be heard. She wants her feelings to be VALIDATED. She wants to be ENCOURAGED.
Women need to feel as though they have been listened to. That also means giving them our full attention. One of the responses to my survey was that women “like to know their conversational partner is listening actively by giving eye contact, nodding, saying uh-huh, mmm, yeh, etc”.
I know that I am very bad at this. I used to work at BSL and I’d start earlier than Deanna and therefore usually finish earlier than her. I’d get home, play with the dog and then get into some work or odd job around the house that I was working on. When Deanna would get home, she’d naturally want to debrief. I’d be wanting to complete my odd job before the sun went down. I’d often pull out a milk crate and invite Deanna to sit in the middle of the yard and talk while I worked, but she would seldom take up the invitation. Why? Because I wasn’t going to give her my full attention. There would be no eye contact, heaps of distractions etc.. I must admit, I don’t know that I am much better at this now, but I do now know that it is important.
Guys - we find it very hard don’t we to listen and not give solutions. James 1:19 says “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” One of the most precious gifts we can give women is to listen to them because through this, we show them worth and value. In listening, we have to strive to keep our traps shut and our flaps open. I know this is all hard work - much harder for men than women would ever believe, but if we want to build good relationships and build up our wives, we need to strive to communicate better. Program in some time, go on a date, go for a walk and talk.
2) Women need to feel special, valued and LOVED
A second major need for women that we as men need to be aware of is that women need to feel special, valued and loved. Hear some of the survey comments ...
„X Love and support is the best present you could give. As well as flowers, chocolates and jewellery occasionally for best results
„X We appreciate much their company means to us. Not how much they earn, or what they do around the house, but how much we value having them around
„X That we are beautiful. We need to hear this. And no matter what she asks “No you don’t look fat!”
One of the key differences between men and women is that men get their self esteem from achievements - getting a promotion, finishing a project, driving a nice car. Women get their self esteem through RELATIONSHIPS. Women feel good about themselves if others feel good about them. Their self worth depends on what friends, family and probably most importantly their spouse thinks about them. That is why they need to see demonstrations that they are special. We all need this really, but given that it is the main source of self esteem for a women, they need it more than men. A great book on the topic of how to show love practically is Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages.” In it he explains that we all need to feel loved and we all have a preferred way of being shown love - it’s our love language.
1) For some Words of AFFIRMATIONS is their preferred language of love. They just melt when something nice is said about them. A compliment is worth more than a diamond ring.
I remember hearing about a couple that went to marriage counseling. She told the counseling through her tears, my husband does not love me any more. Her husband bristled up and said in his defense, “I told you I love you thirty years ago, I don’t see why I have to say it again, if I change my mind, I will let you know.” Guess what her love language is?
2) For others Quality TIME is their preferred love language. That’s giving your undivided attention with the TV off, looking at each other, etc.
3) For others, Receiving GIFTS is the key. Id doesn’t need to be big, but just something they can look at and think, He was thinking of me. To many males, giving cut flowers or a card is a waste of money, but to many women, they are everything.
4) For others, Acts of SERVICE is what they appreciate the most. Cooking a meal, washing the dishes, etc.
5) Lastly, some prefer PHYSICAL Touch. A Hand on the shoulder, a massage, etc.
Guys, every lady has one or two ways they appreciate receiving love. And usually, it is not how we appreciate it. For me, acts of service is what I appreciate. So I naturally think that Deanna will appreciate all the things I do around the house for her. And she does, but what gives her more of a buzz is quality time and words of affirmation. Now these don’t really come naturally to me, so I have to work all the harder at them, but they are what Deanna needs to feel loved and appreciated so that is what I need to give her. If you don’t know what your wives’ love language is, ask her - She’ll tell you very quickly what she would love you to do.
This is all well and fine, but some of you sitting there are thinking - what if I am not in Love with her any more. How can I give her love if there is no longer any attraction. Love is a word which we use a lot, but there are several different types of love. The Bible speaks of 3 different types of love.
1. There is brotherly love or love between friends. It is what we’d call mateship. It is friendship orientated. And as we all know, this sort of love can come and go fairly easily as people come and go.
2. Then there is sexual love. The greek word for this is Eros from which we get erotic love. It is sexually orientated love. And as we know, this sort of love comes, but can also go. When we see our wives in the morning or when they are sick or when they begin to show their age - Eros love begins to decline. When people talk about falling in and out of love, they are usually talking about this physical sexual attraction called Eros love.
3. But there is a third type of love. It is AGAPE love. It doesn’t depend on your emotions, but on a commitment you have made. It is the love that caused Jesus Christ to die for us. It is an incredibly self sacrificing love. He died for us, because he chose to love us, even when we were unlovely.
Paul taught the early church that husbands are to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” Eph 5:25. The love that Paul is talking about here is agape love. It is a decisive love which does not take into account her physical beauty or whether you enjoy her company every moment of every day. It is a love which says, for better or for worse, in sickness or health, for richer or for poorer I promise to love you. It is a love that is active and obvious.
Guys, our job is to try to figure out our wives love language and learn to speak it. That’s our job. It is funny that a relationship is a two way thing. As you seeks to fulfil the needs of your wives, they become empowered and become able and willing to start to provide for your needs. Have you lost your eros love, start acting out agape love and I bet that fairly soon, you’ll find some eros love again.
3) Women need to be seen as equal PARTNERS not as slaves.
The last key thing that we as men need to know about women is that they are equal partners, not our slaves. For most of human history, women have been oppressed and restricted. Until recently, a woman could be executed in Afghanistan for no more than learning how to read. Unfortunately, the Christian Church has also been guilty of treating women unfairly. In many ways the Christian community simply reflected the prevailing attitude of the entire ancient world.
All of Greco-Roman society looked at women as inferior to men. The philosopher Socrates argued that being born a woman was a punishment because a woman is halfway between a man and an animal. Women weren’t allowed to vote in ancient Greece, they had little choice over who they married, and in Roman society they aren’t allowed to be seen outside the home. Women in Jewish society didn’t fare much better. The Jewish rabbis prayed, "Thank you God for not making a woman." Jewish women were forbidden from learning the Jewish Bible. In fact, one rabbi said, "It would be better to see the...scriptures burnt than to hear its words upon the lips of women".
The attitude that women are inferior to men is a construct of Satan and it prevailed until Jesus Christ came to our world. Jesus both taught and demonstrated an entirely new attitude toward women, an attitude that was radical and revolutionary. He did more for women’s liberation than anyone before or since him. Jesus and the apostles taught that men and women were equal but different. Gal 3:28 says that
There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.
In God’s eyes, there is no distinction in value between a man and women. It has been said that Eve was made from one of Adam’s ribs - from His side, not from his head to surpass him or his feet to be trampled upon, but from his side. She was taken from the side of man to be his equal, to go beside him, to walk with him, to help him. No where does the Bible uphold that males are in any way superior to females. Yes there are differences in physical make up and in the role God designed for them, but there is no distinction in value.
God created women to complement men. You see, guys, when we were created, we were good, but we were not complete. We needed a helper, so God created women. - Gen 2:18 - “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” In our English Language, the term “helper” often is used of a junior employee or one who is less experienced or capable. But the Hebrew word used here is of a person who works beside, complements, supports and aids. They are not inferior, they are equal. The fact that man needed a helper actually says more about the fact that man is incomplete than it does about women being a helper.
What does this mean then in practice ... 2 things. ...
1) we need to recognise that the differences that a woman exhibits are not weaknesses, but strengths. One of the major problems with our society is that it has actually undermined the worth of who women are. Instead of standing up and saying that the caring and nurturing nature of women is valuable, that their sensitive and emotional make up is important and that their ability to form relationships is significant. It has made women feel that they can be like men, should be like men and in fact are men. But Women are valuable and significant just the way they are and their strengths are there for a reason. One of the key reasons is to nurture and raise children. The world needs women in this process and it is actually a far more important task than making a record profit for QAL, BSL, CAR or any other company we guys would like to work for. So we as men must ensure that nothing belittles it.
2) secondly we need to recognise that women are not our servants - that they need and appreciate our help around the house also. Deanna and I don’t have children and so as long as we’ve both been married, we have both worked. That means we both come home from work each day and neither of us wants to work around the house. We have therefore worked out a fairly good arrangement of sharing jobs. We both cook, we both wash up, we both tidy the house, we both shop for groceries. Deanna does most of the washing. I do the ironing. Deanna does a lot of the house cleaning, I do a lot of the yard work. There is sharing that happens. From looking at many of the research comments and from observation, what often happens when a wife has children is that there is a shift in shared work from the Male to the Female. Us Guys, think that now our wives are at home with a kid that sleeps during most of the day she has time to do a lot more of the housework. As we get older, work tires us out more and so when we come home we just want to put our feet up, because it is our turn to relax. The feedback from my survey says that there are a lot of women out there that don’t feel as though they are equals, but that feel as though they are shouldering an unfair amount of the work around home. There needs to be a shift in our thinking guys, that says that raising children is not just a job - it is actually a very stressful job - possibly harder than what you or I do each day. Therefore, we need to work to help our wives when we come home from our day at the office. We might be exhausted, but I guarantee our wives are exhausted also. Phil 2:3-4 has some good advice for us ...”Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Men I encourage you to pick up one of the survey forms and read some of the comments there yourselves.
So where do we go from here? It is important that we as men seek to understand the needs of our wives and women. Their value and worth are being attacked from every side in our society today and so it is up to us to give them the support and help that they need. How? Well we can start by learning to communicate better and listening to our wives rather than trying to fix their problems. Let’s learn what their love language is and commit to love them with Agape love for our whole lives. Thirdly, lets begin to see them as equals and recognise the differences as strengths not weaknesses. Building up our wives, our marriages and families is perhaps one of the most important things we could be doing with our time and energies - but the job is upto us guys.
Let’s pray for some strength in the task.
