What to Look For in a Mate
2 Corinthians 6:14-18, 7:1
Rev. Brian Bill
11/6/05
I love how kids respond to questions about marriage. When asked about the right age to get married, a six-year-old named Freddie said, “No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.” When asked how you know who to marry, ten-year-old Kirsten said, “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Does God decide it all beforehand? If so, how do we know who it is we’re supposed to marry? A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which one to marry. Finally he went to Pastor Dick who asked him to describe the two women. The man noted that one was a prolific poet and the other made mouth-watering pancakes. Pastor Dick responded with keen insight and said, “I see what the problem is. You can’t decide whether to marry for batter…or for verse.”
Last week we celebrated singleness from 1 Corinthians 7, by stating that to be single is good, it is a gift, and it can be used to bring glory to God. This morning, recognizing that not everyone has this gift, we’re going to camp in Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians in order to gain some insight into what to look for in a marriage mate. Please turn in your copy of the Scriptures to 2 Corinthians 6. If you’re following along in the Bible we’ve provided, this text is found on page 819.
One married woman last week told me that I was fifty years too late with the sermon on singleness! Perhaps you feel the same about today’s topic because you’re already married. I still would ask you to pay close attention because you may have the opportunity to pass along some principles to those around you.
How do you know who you should marry? Parents, how do you know who’s right for your son or daughter? What is it that you should look for in a mate? I want to say right up front that there are a number of significant aspects that need to be considered but I believe that there is one that is far and away the most important. This one element is more essential than compatible background or age or education or emotional temperament or energy or interests or personality or intelligence or adaptability or ambition or autonomy or altruism or appearance or musical preferences or humor or how you squeeze a tube of toothpaste or whether you root for the Bears or the Packers (well, maybe not more important than that). Far and away the most important dimension is spiritual suitability. If you’re searching for a mate make sure there’s a spiritual match.
There’s certainly a mystery about all this, isn’t there? Proverbs 30:18-19 says: “There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden.” Science helps us with the first three but the intrigue of attraction and romance and compatibility still perplexes us. We might not know how all this works, but God certainly does. That’s why we need to take seriously what He says.
A Relational Restriction (6:14a)
I don’t know how Paul could have stated it more strongly than he does in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” This is a prohibition that applies to the marriage relationship as well as to other situations. The tense of this verse means to “stop yoking yourself to unbelievers,” implying that this was something that was way too common in the Corinthian church. The idea is to not be “mismated” by yoking up with someone who is a “disbeliever.” The Message Paraphrase says it this way: “Don’t become partners with those who reject God.” The New American Standard reads: “Do not be bound together with unbelievers.”
Let me demonstrate with this yoke that hangs in our kitchen area. As you can see, because it’s made out of wood, it’s not very flexible. The idea is to put two animals together in order to increase the pulling power for a plow. The whole design of a yoke is that two can do more work than one can alone, or even two animals pulling two separate plows. In order to get the greatest productivity, a farmer would make sure to only yoke two similar animals together.
The results would be disastrous if two different kinds of animals were in the yoke – that’s a good way for the “yoke” to be on you! No doubt Paul had Deuteronomy 22:10 in mind when he wrote these words: “Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.” This wouldn’t work for at least two reasons:
• They were different species. An ox was much bigger and stronger than a donkey. They were different in temperament and speed as well. Both would suffer in the yoke as the ox would try to pull the donkey and the donkey would struggle to keep up. One would be choked; the other pinched. This unequal yoking would cause pain and discomfort to both because they were at cross purposes. I’m told that oxen can’t even stand the breath of donkeys and will pull away from them instead of going in the direction they’re supposed to.
• They were different spiritually. This sounds strange but according to Old Testament law, the ox was considered clean while the donkey was unclean. The Jewish people were very careful about not mixing that which was considered clean with that which wasn’t.
Paul is saying that a believer is not to become hitched to a nonbeliever. In Ephesians 5:7, he uses a similar phrase when he writes: “Therefore do not be partners with them.” To put it even more plainly, when Paul gives his input on whether a widow should remarry in 1 Corinthians 7:39, as a believer she must only marry a believer: “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” This same idea is found in Amos 3:3 in the King James Version: “Can two walk together except they be agreed?” When God says, “don’t” and we do, that’s sin.
The Reasons for the Restriction (6:14b-16)
As if anticipating that someone might interject that some non-Christians are nice people and it’s not that big of a deal to get hitched to someone who is a spiritual mismatch, Paul gives a number of reasons why a believer must not be yoked to an unbeliever in verses 14-16. The orbit of a Christian and the trajectory of a non-Christian are galaxies apart. There is a radical difference between one who knows Jesus and one who doesn’t. Flip back one chapter to 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
Paul uses five questions to establish key areas of contrast between those who are new creations and those who are still dead in their sins. By the way, whenever a believer tries to justify their dating relationship with a non-Christian, I only hear about how cozy and compatible they are. Paul focuses instead on their moral incompatibility.
• “For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?” This word righteousness refers not to those who are better than others but to those who have been given the righteousness of Christ through faith. One who is not saved is referred to as “wicked” in Acts 3:26. A Christian and a non-Christian have nothing in common spiritually because they have different Masters.
• “Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” Believers are in the light, while those who don’t know Christ are in the dark. Proverbs 4:18-19: “The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.”
• “What harmony is there between Christ and Belial?” The word “harmony” in the Greek is the word that we get symphony from. A Christian and a non-Christian cannot sing to God’s glory or be in holy harmony. “Belial” literally means worthless and was used as a name for Satan as the absolute enemy of God. Unbelievers knowingly or unknowingly are followers of Satan as Ephesians 2:1-2 says: “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.”
• “What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” One lives for the Creator and the other lives for the creation. Romans 8:9: “You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you…”
• “What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?” The Temple is where God dwells and was to never be trampled by unholy behavior. In one of the most awful passages in the Bible, 2 Kings 21:5 tells us that King Manasseh brought idol worship into the Temple of God with disastrous results: “In both courts of the temple of the LORD, he built altars to all the starry hosts…”
There are huge contrasts between Christians and non-Christians. But it’s even more than that. The Bible says that there are inherent and intrinsic contradictions. As Paul continues to make his case that a Christian should not be yoked with a non-Christian, he draws upon multiple images and passages and fragments of verses from the Old Testament. Before we move on, let’s let our fingers do the walking to see how God’s holy people were not to be led astray by unholy relationships, and when they were, it always led to disastrous results.
Exodus 34:12, 16: “Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land where you are going, or they will be a snare among you…And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same.”
Deuteronomy 7:3-4: “Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods…”
1 Kings 11:1-4: “King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter…They were from nations about which the LORD had told the Israelites, ‘You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.’ Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love…As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods….”
Ezra 9:2-3: “They have taken some of their daughters as wives for themselves and their sons, and have mingled the holy race with the peoples around them. And the leaders and officials have led the way in this unfaithfulness. When I heard this, I tore my tunic and cloak, pulled hair from my head and beard and sat down appalled.”
Nehemiah 13:23-25: “Moreover, in those days I saw men of Judah who had married women from Ashdod, Ammon and Moab…I rebuked them and called curses down on them. I beat some of the men and pulled out their hair. I made them take an oath in God’s name and said: ‘You are not to give your daughters in marriage to their sons, nor are you to take their daughters in marriage for your sons or for yourselves.’”
Malachi 2:11: “Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god.”
This Scriptural survey helps us see that God is very interested in who you marry. Since God dwelt with His people, He wanted them to be totally committed to Him. Now, because of Christ, God not only dwells with His people, He dwells within them. Listen to this stunning statement in the last part of verse 16: “For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: ‘I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.’” This word “temple” actually means “sanctuary” and refers to the most sacred part of the Temple. Specifically, according to this verse, God dwells in the church body as is seen from the use of the word “we” and the singular use of “temple.” The body of Christ, not a church building, is a sacred place for His dwelling. Having said that, we know from 1 Corinthians 3:16 that the Holy Spirit also dwells in individual Christians: “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?”
What a privilege to have God Himself set up residence in our bodies! He lives with us and walks among us. He is indeed our God and we are His people. As a result, we have the responsibility to live differently.
Our Responsibility (6:17a)
We are given a number of reasons behind the relational restriction to not become unequally yoked. When we come to verse 17, we’re faced with the tough task of obeying God’s Word and not following our feelings. That’s the rub, isn’t it? A person might know what God says but their emotions have become so entangled with a non-Christian that feelings are allowed to trump facts and faith. We are special people because God dwells within us: “Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing…” This command comes right out of Isaiah 52:11: “Depart, depart, go out from there! Touch no unclean thing! Come out from it and be pure, you who carry the vessels of the LORD.” Separation is first and foremost an inner attitude of the heart where we realize that we are separated onto the Savior. Because we belong to Him we cannot attach ourselves to anyone who will pull us away from Him.
What this means is that if you are a born again Christian and you are dating a non-Christian, on the basis of God’s Word, you must break it off. I’ve seen too many young people on fire for Christ only to see the flames quickly get extinguished by an unholy relationship. You may think there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who is not a Christian because you don’t plan to marry him or her anyway. This is dangerous for three reasons. First, you just might give your heart away and end up in a mismatched marriage. Second, you may give something else away that you can never get back. Third, you may compromise your spiritual commitment and drift away from full devotion to Christ. While you probably don’t hear many pastors quote from the Song of Solomon, listen to this from 3:5: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Fellow Christians, be careful because when love is awakened all sorts of crazy things can happen!
John Piper sums it up well when he says: “If the choice of a marriage partner still lies before you, settle it in your mind right now never to marry anyone who does not love the Lord Jesus with all his or her heart.” If you are engaged to someone who is not saved, you must sever this relationship immediately. If you’re thinking about getting married, don’t compromise your commitment to Christ. George Washington once said: “Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.”
The Most Important Relationship (6:17b-7:1)
When we do things God’s way, we are blessed. Look at the last phrase of verse 17: “…and I will receive you.” The most important relationship you will ever have is not with a husband or a wife but with God. When we receive Him, He receives us, and as John 1:12 says, we then “…become children of God.” Quoting again from the Old Testament, this time Paul goes back to Jeremiah 3 in verse 18: “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”
This name “Lord Almighty” is only used here and in the Book of Revelation in the New Testament. It’s the Old Testament equivalent of Jehovah Sabaoth and means “all-ruling and all-powerful; the Master.” If God is your Father, and you are one of His sons, then if you do not have the gift of singleness, you must only marry one of his daughters. Why? Because He is the Master of marriage. If you are a princess of the King, then you must only marry one of His princes. Or, as Pastor Jeff likes to say, if you are a woman of God (WOG) don’t settle for someone who is not a man of God (MOG). If you’re a MOG, make sure you get yoked only to a WOG. There is no other biblical option. Psalm 118:9: “It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.” Find refuge in your relationship with God and not in “Prince Charming” or “Princess Bride.”
Because we value our relationship with God so much we can then see that He is not out to make us miserable, but to protect us. He doesn’t want us to get married and have a spiritual mismatch because He knows it will take us away from Him. Brothers and sisters in Christ, may I appeal to you to find your fulfillment in Him alone? Take a look at Proverbs 27:7: “He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.” If your deepest needs are filled by Christ, then you won’t go looking for someone else to fill them. Conversely, if you slip away from your relationship with God, you will become so hungry that you may even think something that is bitter is better than nothing.
Let’s look at 2 Corinthians 7:1: “Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.” The word “purify” means to “prune away” or “clear” the ground of rubbish -- kind of like what the Mississippi Mission team will be dong next month. It’s time to prune away and get pure again in both body and spirit. The word “contaminate” means that which “stains and soils.” It’s time to get back on track spiritually and seek holiness as your highest aim so that the stains can be purified. It’s time to revere God more than your relationship with anyone else. Notice the phrase “let us.” This is our responsibility. We must work at getting back to what we know is true. We have a high privilege as sons and daughters of the Heavenly Father and now we must act accordingly.
John Calvin noted that even though the Holy Spirit lives within believers; our hearts are really “factories of idols.” It’s so easy for us to allow another person to become more important than God. When we do this, we’re committing idolatry. If we really revere God, then we will be careful about who we have a relationship with. If God is supreme, we won’t settle for a spiritual mismatch. Conversely, if a boyfriend or girlfriend is more important than God, then it will be easy to allow your emotions to control you. Let me ask you a question. Have you made someone else an idol? Is your relationship with a non-Christian more important than the God who loves you, redeemed you, and lives within you?
Here’s the principle: If you’re going to get married, marry the strongest Christian you can find and be the strongest Christian you can be for your spouse. One grid to put a guy or gal through is to hold up our I.M.P.A.C.T. statement and ask some tough questions:
• Is he or she committed to Instruction?
• Is he or she involved in Ministry?
• Does he or she have a personal time of Prayer?
• Is he or she in the habit of daily and weekly Adoration?
• Is he or she involved in a regular routine of Caring?
• Does he or she care enough about lost people to be involved in Telling?
I want to briefly address those of you who are married to someone who is not a Christian. I know many of you and have great respect for how much you pray and plead for your partner to come to Christ. Let me encourage you in two ways.
• Don’t bail. 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 urges you to stay committed to your marriage covenant, knowing that somehow your influence in the home is providing a holy covering for your family: “To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” You might not always feel it but if you are living for Jesus, you are having an impact in your home.
• Keep believing. Your spouse’s heart will be warmed for Christ when he or she sees you living a fired-up life for Jesus. That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect but it does mean that it’s important to practice the principles taught in 1 Peter 3:1-4: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
Action Steps
Let me close with four action steps.
1. Resolve right now to only marry a believer who loves Jesus.
2. Encourage someone who is in a spiritually mismatched marriage.
3. Pray for our singles to stay pure and to wait for the Lord’s choice.
4. Make sure you’re yoked to Jesus. You might think that marriage is the most important decision you can make. Actually, it’s the second most important decision. The first one is this: Will you take the yoke of Jesus upon you? [Hold up yoke]. Listen to these wonderful words from Jesus in Matthew 11:28-30: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Are you ready to come to Him right now? If you already have, it’s time to learn from Him. He loves to give us rest and reassurance. Pastor Jeff is going to lead us in a time where we can make sure we’re in the yoke with Jesus before we celebrate communion. I think you’ll be encouraged and challenged by what some of our students experienced at their retreat last weekend.
