Marriage as it’s Meant to Be
Genesis 2:18-25
Rev. Brian Bill
11/13/05
Two weeks ago we established that singleness is good, it’s a gift, and it can be used to bring glory to God. Last week we were reminded that if you’re going to get married, make sure there is a spiritual match. It might seem like I’m trying to talk people out of marriage but I’m not. I’m big on matrimony and love being married to my best friend. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Marriage matters to God. And because it does, we must make sure we’re doing marriage His way.
I’ve opened the last two messages with quotes from kids regarding romance and marriage. This past week I decided to ask our own children what they think of the Marriage Matters sermon series. It got pretty quiet around the table when finally one of our daughters spoke up and said, “I think it’s pretty boring.” A couple others agreed with her. I guess it’s a good thing that they’re not thinking too much about marriage at their age. But some kids are…
When asked why people fall in love, 9-year-old Mae said, “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with the way you smell…That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” When asked what falling in love is like, 9-year-old Bart commented, “It’s like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” Carey, age 7 said, “Love will find you, even if you’re trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” Another boy was asked what role good looks play in finding a mate: “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” And Gavin, age 8, gave his insight into why married couples often hold hands: “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”
If you’re married, how do you make sure your rings don’t fall off? This morning we’re going to look at marriage as it’s meant to be. Someone who is not big on matrimony once said that marriage is a three-ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and suffering. Someone else has said that marriage is like a phone call that you receive in the middle of the night: first you get the ring and then you wake up! Well, that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Let’s go back to the Book of Beginnings: the Book of Genesis.
Context is always important when we study the Bible. Genesis 1 gives us a complete narration of creation; Genesis 2 retells the story in order to fill in the details concerning the creation of man and the construction of marriage. The first chapter portrays God as powerful, using the name Elohim, the God of Creation; while the second chapter pictures God as personal, using the name Yahweh, the covenant-keeping God. By the way, in January we’re going to kick off a nine-part series called the Old Testament Challenge as together we study the first five books of the Bible.
In Genesis 2:18-25, we’re first introduced to a problem. Second, we see God’s provision and finally, God paints a portrait of marriage partnership. Please turn to page 2.
1. The Problem: A Need for Companionship (18-20). God creates Adam, breathes life into him and puts him into a garden “to work it and take care of it” (verse 15). Then, in verse 18, God says, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” This is a remarkable statement by God. Six times in Genesis 1, after each major creation event, God looked at what He created and said, “It is good.” In verse 31, He declared that it was “very good.” But now in this expanded account of the sixth day of creation, God suddenly says that something is not good. There’s a problem in paradise. That’s a bit jarring, isn’t it? Just as the Trinity lives in community, so too God sees that Adam is in need of companionship. The obvious point here is that fellowship with God and companionship with animals is somehow not enough for Adam.
When God decides that He will create “a helper,” many people picture someone who is subservient. That’s not the idea at all. The word literally means “a help answering to him.” In Psalm 46:1, this word is used of God Himself: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” A “helper” is one who supplies what is lacking in another person, one who is “like but opposite him.” God created Eve to do what Adam could not do by Himself. It’s not that the man is better than the woman, or the woman better than the man, but that each one is somehow incomplete without the other. That’s how God designed the marriage relationship. The husband and the wife both need each other. In Song of Solomon 5:16, the bride affectionately refers to her husband with these words: “This is my lover, this my friend…” 1 Peter 3:7 challenges husbands to be considerate and respectful because wives are “joint heirs of the “gracious gift of life.”
Having said that, we might expect the next verse to say something like, “So God created Eve.” Instead of immediately making a marriage match, God puts Adam to work on a big zoology project. God sees the need for Adam to have a helper but he delays in deed in order for Adam to see his need. Have you ever noticed that God often makes us wait so that we’ll appreciate what it is that He wants to give us? While we wait God is doing something wonderful.
In verses 19-20, we see that Adam is told to give names to all the animals. As he gives each one a name, God is putting him through some premarital preparation. God is teaching Adam to be a leader since the power to name is the power of authority as stated in Genesis 1:28: “…Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” As he named the animals it gave him a sense of order as he put them in different categories. By the way, Adam would have laughed at modern-day evolutionary theory as the animals paraded past him. He had no doubt that an Intelligent Designer and a Benevolent Creator had been at work as evidenced in verse 19: “Now the Lord God had formed…”
There was a purpose behind this parade because God was also training Adam to be a lover. As Adam surveyed all the animals he saw Mr. Aardvark and Mrs. Aardvark and at the end of the day, when he finally named Mr. and Mrs. Zebra, he was probably feeling pretty lonely. Everyone had a partner, but where was his? God was creating within Adam a gnawing hunger for a life mate, a need God would soon meet in the creation of Eve.
Look at the end of verse 20: “…But for Adam no suitable helper was found.” Adam discovers for himself in verse 20 what God already knew in verse 18. He is living in paradise where he has everything his heart could want – a bunch of pet animals, a good job, and a sinless relationship with God. But this day seemed like it would never end. Do you know why his first day was so long? Because it had no Eve.
2. The Provision: A Need for Completion (21-23). In verses 21-23, God addresses Adam’s need for companionship: “So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.’” Have you heard that when Adam found out he was getting a wife he asked God how much it would cost him and God said, “It will cost you an arm and a leg.” Adam thought for a bit and then said, “What can I get for a rib?” That reminds me of the little girl in Sunday School who answered the teacher’s question: “Can anyone tell me the story of Adam and Eve?” She raised her hand and eagerly replied, “First God created Adam. Then God looked at him and said, ‘I think I could do better if I tried again.’ So He created Eve!”
The rabbis described the significance of these words like this: “She was not taken from Adam’s head, that she should rule over him; not from his feet, that she should be trampled on by him; but she was taken from his side, that she might be his equal, from under his arm, that she might be protected by him, near his heart, that he might cherish and love her.” Eve was fashioned from Adam not to be identical, but to be complementary. She was made from his rib to show him that she was a part of him. Paul picks up on this in Ephesians 5:28: “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” I like what Walter Bruggeman has written: “The woman was created to ‘help’ the man out of his aloneness so that together they would form a community of oneness.” It’s possible to have unity even if you don’t have uniformity. We’ll talk more about how to deal with disunity and discord next week as we focus on forgiving and forgetting. You know the phrase, “Opposites attract?” Some of you also know from first-hand experience that “opposites attack.”
Verse 22 tells us that God “brought her to the man.” This indeed is a marriage made in heaven. As a pastor it has been my joy for 20 years to watch as fretting fathers escort their eager daughters down the aisle. I heard about a wedding recently in which the minister announced a collection. As the usher passed the plate, he was greeted with several bewildered looks. Finally, he announced to an entire row: “I know this is unusual but the father of the bride requested it!” God was the Father of the bride and He had the honor of giving her away. From this story we learn that God planned the human heart for love, marriage and companionship. The only thing man brought with him out of the Garden was marriage.
God creates a partner for Adam from his own flesh to meet the needs of his hungry heart. Having come to appreciate his need, he wakes up from his power nap. Don’t miss the fact that Adam never put in a work order for how his wife should look, what she would be like, or whether she would love to shop or not. He just slept, leaving it all to God. The original Hebrew helps us see that he was pretty pumped. The phrase, “This is now” means something like, “This is it!” I think he really said: “Wow! Oh, baby! Where have you been all my life? Got any plans tonight?” He was probably very exuberant and said, “Whoaaaa! Mannnnnn!” which is were we get the word wo-man. He now knows he is not alone. Isolation has given way to relationship and partnership and completion. It’s clear that God’s original intention is for one man and one woman to live in a monogamous marriage for life. God created Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve.
The phrase, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” is an expression of ecstatic delight that he has found one who perfectly corresponds to him. This is the world’s first love song and was the first utterance from a human being before sin entered the world. Instead of complaining about his wife, he complimented her lavishly. You know, this was really the ideal marriage because Adam didn’t have to hear about all the men Eve could have married and she didn’t have to hear how his mom was a better cook.
It’s difficult for us to see but this is really a Hebrew pun. The name “Adam” referred to mankind but Adam is not called a man until there is a female counterpart. In the Hebrew “Adam” changes to “ish” when the woman is brought to him. And she is called “ishsha,” (which means “to be soft”) because she was taken out of “ish.” Adam is saying, “This is my counterpart and my companion. She will help me make the world into a garden.” We could say that “ishsha” has her origins in “ish.” Man and woman find themselves in the reflection of the other.
I can relate to how Adam felt when I first met Beth. I had surveyed all the girls on campus during my first semester at Moody Bible Institute “and no suitable helper was found.” I was in my Romans class on the first day of the second semester when the bell rang for us to begin. About a minute later, in walked Beth and sat right next to me. I broke out into Hebrew poetry and declared, “Wow, where have you been all my life?” Just kidding. But I did wonder how I had missed her. And then I found out she was a new student. The professor told us to sit where we wanted to the next day and he would make up a seating chart for the rest of the semester. I started to formulate a plan.
The next class day I arrived early, making sure there was an empty seat next to me so Beth could sit in it, thinking my chances to romance her would go up if we could at least be in proximity for a semester. One of my buddies tried to sit in this reserved chair and I told him to get lost. When the bell rang, Beth was nowhere to be found. Finally she made her way into class and sat down in a completely different row, never even noticing me. I was not to be denied. After class, when everyone had left, I went up to Dr. Mayer, who was pretty intimidating, and asked him if I could change seats and sit next to Beth on the seating chart. I’ll never forget his smile and the accompanying wink as he crossed my name off one row and sovereignly placed me next to my future marriage mate. By the way, Beth knew nothing about this for a long time!
The problem of isolation is met with companionship and God’s provision gives completion to Adam. The final verses in chapter two give us a portrait of communion.
3. The Portrait: A Need for Communion (24-25). These verses give us the best portrait of marriage ever presented: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” This is covenantal language and is quoted five other times in the Bible. There are three key elements to this portrait of communion:
• Leaving. The Hebrew word is very strong as it actually means “to cut off, abandon.” We’re never to abandon our parents but we must shift our allegiance so that priority is given to our spouse. Actually, all other relationships must lose their hold on our hearts. A reader wrote into Readers Digest and said, “We were visiting friends when they received a phone call from their recently married daughter. After several tense minutes on the phone, the mother told the father to pick up the extension. The newlyweds had had their first big fight. In a few moments the father rejoined us and tersely explained, ‘She said she wanted to come home.’ I turned to him and asked, ‘What did you tell her?’ The father responded with words I’ll never forget: ‘I told her that she was home.’”
• Cleaving. In order to cleave, you must first leave. This word is also extremely strong in the original. It literally means “to glue together” and has the idea of joining two things so tightly that they cannot be separated without hurting both things. The idea is similar to being “welded” or “cemented” together. Jesus picks up on this and applies it in Matthew 19:6: “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” One of my pastor friends has said that it’s easy to get married. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Over the 35 years of their marriage, a wife had given her husband a grapefruit for breakfast every day of their married life. One day, she ran out of grapefruit and apologized profusely to her partner. The husband smiled and replied, “That’s okay dear. I never liked grapefruit anyway.” He wasn’t going to let anything sour their relationship. We’ll learn more about this in three weeks, but there is no such thing in the Bible as “falling out of love.” Love is what you give in order to live. It’s a commitment and an action. You must leave in order to cleave but once you are cleaved, you are not to leave.
• Weaving. To “become one flesh” is a lifetime process, and according to Paul in Ephesians 5:32, this is a great mystery. Marriage is not a contract; it’s a covenant (to learn more about this, see the sermon called, “Making a Marathon Marriage,” www.pontiacbible.org). In a contract, the two parties remain separate, kind of like oil and water (demonstrate). They’re shaken up but not mixed together. Left alone they will eventually separate into their original respective parts. In a covenant, the two become one and the same, more like mashed potatoes. You take two potatoes, one sweet, the other regular, skin them alive, cut them up, put them in hot water, which softens them and then you mash them into one (demonstrate).
Someone has said that marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when you try to decide which one. This week I stopped by to visit with Robert and Laverne Guth. They’ve been married for 47 years and their relationship is a picture of how much Christ loves the church as Robert provides care for Laverne, makes meals, and keeps the house clean. When I asked Robert what he thought the secret of marriage was, he responded immediately with just one word: Christ! Jesus has mashed their lives together in amazing ways. Then he got a grin on his face and said that when you repeat your marriage vows, it’s best to forget the “better” stuff in the “better or worse” part because it will never be better than on your wedding day!
I picture a continuum with oneness on one side and isolation on the other. Every marriage is moving in one direction or another. If you’re married, are you more on the oneness side or on the isolation side? Are you living as soul mates or laboring as roommates? According to verse 25, Adam and Eve knew no shame, which means that they were transparent and honest with each other.
Friends, your marriage matters to the Majesty and therefore it should matter to you. See your spouse as your companion, as one who completes you, and as one you are to live in communion with. And make sure that you have done the leaving part, that you are cleaving to each other, and that you are allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work of weaving your lives into one.
Let me give a few application steps to help your marriage become all that God means for it to be. And let me encourage you that every marriage can get better with just a little effort, and it can get a lot better with a lot of effort.
1. Live out your vows. I don’t know your particular situation but I know that God can repair anything. Will you determine right now, no matter what your spouse has done or hasn’t done, does or doesn’t do, that you will do what you must do to live out your part of the covenant?
2. Compliment, don’t complain. The biggest problem the first married couple had was that their marriage didn’t stay in Genesis 2 but moved into chapter 3. This is where sin entered and instead of complimenting his bride, Adam started complaining. Instead of bowling each other over with kindness, they started blaming and fault finding. Guys, remember that your wife is your “prime rib” not a “spare rib.” All ribbing aside, if you’re attacking each other, it’s time to start using your words to build up, not tear each other down. Read through the Song of Solomon and notice the kind words that are shared between a husband and a wife. In Proverbs 31:28, a husband stands up and praises his wife publicly.
Victor Frankl is remembered as one of the greatest minds of the 20th Century. During World War II he was held in a Nazi prison camp. When he found out his name was on the list to be taken to the gas chamber, he went to his friend Otto and whispered to him: “Listen, Otto, if I don’t get back to my wife, please tell her that I talked of her daily and hourly. Secondly, tell her that I have loved her more than anyone. Thirdly, tell her that the short time I have been married to her outweighs everything, even all we have gone through here.”
3. It takes three to make it work. Your marriage won’t matter much if you don’t have any outside help. Adam and Eve didn’t start to have problems until they moved away from God. It’s time to come back to Him. Ecclesiastes 4:12: “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
4. Marriages need prayer. At our Elder/Deacon Vision Retreat last Saturday, we determined to become a church in which prayer permeates everything that we do. I’m grateful that the leadership prays while I preach and that they pray throughout the week for various needs. If you sense that you need prayer for your marriage, I’d like to invite you to come up front right now. If you feel broke, come up to the yoke. You can come on your own or you can come with your spouse. We’re going to offer this time for healing and restoration for the rest of the series. This is the place where you can come to pray.
