For Better and Forever
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
Rev. Brian Bill
12/4/05
Pastor Dick sure did a great job preaching on parenting last week! Isn’t it a blessing that both he and Pastor Jeff are such effective preachers? During the sermon I was convicted of the many ways that I fall short and was reminded of a promise that I had not kept to one of my daughters. I made things right that afternoon. Later in the day I told our girls that I wanted to be a better dad. One of them said, “We’re all for it!” Another replied, “We’re ready.”
I hope you had a great Thanksgiving break. We went up to see my family in Wisconsin and decided to bring our new dog Charlie on the trip. I couldn’t wait to show him off to my family because everyone has a dog. I knew they would be amazed at how well-behaved he was. That all came crashing down pretty quickly. When we arrived, we put Charlie in the garage with Sonny, another golden retriever. Within five minutes, Charlie picked a fight and they started going at it. After putting them in their respective corners, I mean kennels; we let them out after they had settled down. Sure enough, they tore into each other again, but this time it was Sonny’s fault. About an hour later, Charlie scored a takedown, winning round #3 paws down. We had to keep these combative canines separated for the next two days.
Our well-behaved son was quickly losing favor with my family so we just kept him in his kennel until it was time to go to my parent’s house. Unfortunately, when we took him out of the garage, he spotted the turkey carcass that had been put outside because there was no room in the fridge. My mom was saving this to make the traditional post-Thanksgiving turkey soup. Charlie grabbed this gobbler in his gums and ran away with it. I was mortified, thinking that my mom was going to make chowder out of Charlie for his misbehavior. I finally wrestled the turkey away from our canine and sheepishly drove away. What used to be an attractive animal had quickly become a deviant dog. I think this is how my family was starting to picture him…
[I inserted a picture of the "world’s ugliest dog" here]
This is actually a real dog, which until his death recently, had been voted the ugliest dog in the world. I don’t know if this is how they still view Charlie up north because they seemed to warm up to him as the weekend progressed. That leads to a question. How do we love when we don’t really want to? Is it possible to have affection for someone who seems ugly in every way? If you’re married perhaps you’re feeling like you don’t have the capacity to love your spouse right now because you’re fighting like dogs. Or maybe you feel like you’re in the doghouse. Perhaps you used to feel completely compatible but now you’re wondering whether you and your spouse are irreparably incompatible.
By the way, let me dismantle a common marital myth. I often hear couples who want to get married declare how compatible and similar they are to each other. I learned early on in my premarital counseling sessions that my biggest challenge was to help couples see how incompatible they really were. That’s why I don’t give personality tests that celebrate similarities but instead try my best to equip couples for the real-life struggles of marriage, knowing that opposites attract but they also attack. One person described marriage this way: “Every marriage is two incompatible people in an impossible relationship.” If that’s the case, how in the world can any marriage work today? What holds marriages together? Simply put, the glue is love. I’ve shared this definition before but it’s the best I’ve ever heard: Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. If you suddenly realize that you’re “incompatible” that just means that you now know what God has always known. The real challenge is to live out your unconditional commitment by loving your imperfect spouse.
Sometimes it takes awhile for reality to set in. Several years ago the Saturday Evening Post ran an article called “How Things Change” that was subtitled “A Husband’s Sequence of Reactions to His Wife’s Common Cold.”
The 1st Year: “Sugar Dumpling, I’m really worried about you. You’ve got a bad sniffle and I don’t want you to get strep. I’m checking you into the hospital.
The 2nd Year: “Listen, Darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve called the doctor and she’s coming right over.”
The 3rd Year: “Maybe you better lie down, honey. I’ll bring you something to eat. Is there any canned soup?”
The 4th Year: “Now look, dear, be sensible! After you’ve fed the kids, washed the dishes and finished vacuuming, you better lie down for a few minutes.”
The 5th Year: “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”
The 6th Year: “I wish you’d gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a seal.”
The 7th Year: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing! You’re going to give me pneumonia!”
I was reminded this week that many girls marry men just like their fathers, which may explain why so many mothers cry at weddings!
In the famous “love passage” that is read at most weddings, 1 Corinthians 13 helps us understand what love is and what it looks like in daily life. Love is not primarily a feeling but an action. The kind of love that you and I are called to demonstrate must be seen and experienced. It’s more decisional than emotional. When Paul wrote this chapter, he was not thinking about weddings or romance. Chapter 13 comes right in the middle of a lengthy discussion on the use and abuse of spiritual gifts in chapters 12 and 14. All sorts of disputes and divisions plagued the Corinthian church. They argued about which spiritual gift was the greatest; they were selfish and immoral, they were taking each other to court, they had conflict during communion and they were impatient with others. And I’m sure their marriages were a mess as well.
These words are wonderful but they actually serve as a mild rebuke to Christians who are not practicing love. It’s kind of like what happened in The Sound of Music, where Maria is a nanny who comes to stay with the Von Trapp family (my family must be wondering why I’m quoting from a musical since I always tell them that I have nothing against musicals, it’s just that I can’t stand all the singing and dancing). Anyway, after being treated badly by the Von Trapp kids, Maria gives a speech about how kind everyone has been. As she goes on with these wonderful words the children begin to feel miserable for all the things they had done to her. In the end, they all start crying and leave the table. In a similar way, when the Corinthians read these words, they might have felt like leaving the table because they certainly weren’t very loving to each other. I hope you don’t get up and leave this morning.
This kind of love is a selfless and unconditional commitment to imperfect people. Agape is a love for the utterly unworthy and ugly, a love which proceeds from a God who is love. It’s a love lavished upon others without a thought of whether they are worthy to receive it or not. It proceeds from the nature of the lover, rather than from any merit in the beloved. That’s the word that is used throughout 1 Corinthians 13. Here’s a simple outline:
• The Preference of Love (verses 1-3)
• The Properties of Love (verses 4-7)
• The Permanence of Love (verses 8-13)
The Preference of Love
Follow along as I read the first three verses: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
In verse 1, Paul is saying that even if he could master several languages and be able to speak the heavenly language of angels, but he didn’t have love, then he would be nothing more than a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. In the first century, there was a big gong or cymbal hanging at the entrance of most pagan temples. When people came to worship, they would hit this gong in the hope that it would awaken the pagan gods so they would listen to their prayers. Paul is saying that even if he were so blessed that he could speak with great eloquence in every language known to man and angels, if he didn’t have love it would be as useless as the ridiculous act of pounding on a piece of metal to wake up a non-existent deity.
In verse 2, Paul says that love is more important than prophecy, insight and knowledge. Even if we know everything about nuclear science, medicine, philosophy, psychology and theology but still do not have love, we are nothing. He next states in verse 3 that love is even more important than generosity and sacrifice: “If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I am nothing.” Even for those of us going to Biloxi this week, if we accomplish a lot of projects and deliver some books, some toys and hang some drywall, but don’t do it with love, we might as well not even go. No matter what we might do or endure or give up, if we are not practicing love, then we lose.
The Properties of Love
While love is to be preferred to anything else, in verses 4-7, Paul challenges us to put its properties into practice. It’s not enough to just acknowledge that love is essential; we’re called to exhibit agape love in our lives. In John 13:34, Jesus challenges us, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” Love is not a suggestion; it’s a command because agape always leads to an action. That means that you must fight for your marriage, that you must actively demonstrate love to your spouse, and that you can’t just say that you don’t feel like being loving. In the original, these adjectives are actually verbs, meaning that love has more tenacity than talk, more obedience than emotions.
We tend to think that love is something that just happens to us, like the five-year-old who said, “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” The Bible teaches us that love is something we can control and is to affect the way we live because it’s the fruit of the Spirit-filled life. Notice verses 4-7: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” This will help us know what love does and doesn’t do; what it is and what it isn’t. Paul begins with two positive properties.
• Love is patient. Most of us wish this one wasn’t first. This property is passive in the sense that love hangs in there and waits for God to do His work. This refers to “someone who is able to avenge himself yet refrains from doing so.” It carries with it the idea of perseverance and being long-tempered.
• Love is kind. This second property is more active; the meaning here is to “show oneself useful.” It’s really patience in action. Love volunteers to help others when they’re in need. While attending a marriage conference with his wife on the topic of communication, a husband really blew it. The instructor had just said, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.” He then turned to the man and asked, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?” The husband leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it, dear?” Wrong answer. I’ll think he’ll be joining Charlie in the kennel.
One of the most practical books that I’ve read on marriage is by Gary Chapman called, “The Five Love Languages.” The main thesis is that the best way to be kind to your spouse is by using the love language that he or she speaks. One of the concepts is that each spouse has an emotional “love tank” that needs to be filled by the other: “The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.” Love is a choice and either partner can start the process. If you’re married, try to determine which language your spouse speaks and then do whatever you can as often as you can to communicate in this language, whether you feel like it or not. Here are the five languages:
o Words of Affirmation
o Quality Time
o Receiving Gifts
o Acts of Service
o Physical Touch
The next list of properties from tells us what love is not or what love doesn’t do.
• Love does not envy. Instead of wishing I had what you have; love helps me to celebrate what God has given you without being jealous of it.
• Love does not boast. This word literally means a “braggart” and can also mean, “wind-bag.” The fruit of love does not brag about what I have or what I’ve done.
• Love is not proud. The word here means to “blow or to puff.” Pride has no place in a believer’s life because everything we have is by grace. Do you remember “The Fonz” on Happy Days? He really struggled to admit that he was wrong and when he did, it almost killed him as he would say, “I was wr…wr…wr…o…oo…n…ng.” If you think you are always right and need to have the last word, you are not living out love.
• Love is not rude. The Greek word means that love does not “behave in an ugly, indecent or obscene manner.” Love does not needlessly offend.
• Love is not self-seeking. This is the polar opposite of agape love. True love does not seek to build up self but rather puts others first. Alan Redpath has said: “The secret of every discord in Christian homes, communities and churches is that we want our own way and our own glory.” Question: Do you put your spouse’s needs and interests before your own?
• Love is not easily angered. A person who is living under the influence of love is not “prone” to violent anger or exasperation. Phillips paraphrases this by saying that “love is not touchy.”
• Love keeps no record of wrongs. This is an accounting term meaning that we must not add up and itemize the failures of others. Instead of remembering everything that’s ever been done to you, wipe out those wrongs by forgiving and by refusing to hold your spouse hostage to what he or she has done in the past. Are you keeping score? It’s time to let it go by forgiving and forgetting. If Oprah and David Letterman can reconcile, then so can you.
• Love does not delight in evil. This phrase could be translated, “has no memory for injuries.” Love doesn’t think about evil things that were done to it.
Paul now moves to five positive aspects of love that paint a picture of love in action. Even though you might not feel very “loving” you can still act “loving” toward your spouse. Your feelings may follow your obedience, or they may not. Irregardless, you and I are called to live out love in our marriages.
• Love rejoices with the truth. The word “truth” here is the opposite of “evil.” Instead of locking into the vices of your spouse, love celebrates and applauds his or her virtues.
• Love always protects. I like how the New English Bible translates the first part of verse 7: “There is nothing love cannot face…” The Berkeley Version puts it this way: “It covers up everything…” The image here is of a blanket that covers, or hides things. Instead of exposing blemishes and sins in our spouse, true love covers them with a cloak of love. 1 Peter 4:8 challenges us to, “Love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” When I am quick to notice fault, I am not practicing love.
• Love always trusts. The idea here is that we don’t lose faith in our spouse even if he or she has messed up or hurt us. We resist the temptation to think the worst. We delight in giving second and third chances or 3,000 chances.
• Love always hopes. To hope means “to expect with desire.” No matter how dark things are or how bleak things look; love maintains an attitude of hope that they can get better. It’s a refusal to take failure as final. One way to demonstrate this is to say to your spouse, “I know we can make it because God is not finished with us yet!”
• Love always perseveres. Before I develop this one, let me just say that I recognize some of you have been through a divorce. My aim here is to not pile on more pain or give you more guilt. My words are directed primarily to those of you who are married right now, or for those of you contemplating marriage. To persevere means, “To remain under.” It’s actually a military word which means to sustain the assaults of the enemy. That’s appropriate because marriages today are under attack from the evil one. Love hangs in there with your spouse because your vows sealed you in a covenant with each other, but most importantly with God Himself. At least three passages bear this out:
o Ecclesiastes 5:4-5: “When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.”
o Malachi 2:14-15: “…The LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not [the LORD] made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.”
o Matthew 19:6: “…Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
I don’t know about you but I’m rebuked by every verb in these verses. But at the same time, I’m motivated to live a life of love because of the unconditional commitment I’ve made to Beth and the vows I’ve made to a watching God.
The Permanence of Love
In the final verses of this chapter, Paul establishes that love is permanent and superior to anything else. Follow along as I read verses 8-13: “Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
We could summarize this paragraph with the first three words: “Love never fails.” Feelings may fail, prophecies may sputter out, tongues will be stilled and even knowledge will pass away. They all have an expiration date. But because love is fundamental and basic to God’s very nature, it will never fail. In essence we’re all looking into a fuzzy mirror now but there’s a time coming when we will see Christ face-to-face and then we’ll really understand what love is all about. The city of Corinth was known for its bronze mirrors that gave a true image but one that was blurry. It will be like turning away from the image we see in a fuzzy reflection so we can look at the Lord of love face-to-face.
1 Corinthians 14:1 says that we can’t just be passive about love, it’s something we must pursue: “Follow the way of love…” I like Eugene Peterson’s paraphrase: “Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it — because it does.” Are you ready to go after a life of love? Have you ever noticed that our feelings often follow our actions? Doing the loving thing is a good place to start. When God provides the opportunity for you to act in a loving way to your spouse, make sure you do it. 1 John 3:18: “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” To paraphrase something C.S. Lewis has said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you love your spouse or not; act as if you did. As soon as you do this, you’ll find that when you behave is if you loved your spouse, you will presently come to love him or her.”
Application
Someone has said that “love at first sight is easy to understand. It’s when two people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle.” I’m not sure it’s a miracle but it does confound the world when couples keep their commitment to each other. Here are some practical steps that will help you live out your vows “for better and forever.”
1. Recognize how limited your love is. One helpful exercise is to go through this passage and substitute your name every time the word “love” is used.
2. Sit down with your spouse and say, “There is nothing you can do that will ever cause me to divorce you.” You might want to say it in front of your kids so they hear it as well.
3. Figure out your marriage phase. Are you at the honeymoon phase? This word literally means “a sweet month” because that’s generally how long it lasts. Or are you at the disillusionment phase? This is when those things that attracted you to each other begin to drive both of you crazy, when the Romeo you married starts to look more like Homer Simpson. I believe every marriage goes through these first two phases. The key is to make sure to move to the next phase called commitment. This is where marriage really matters as you commit to investing in your relationship no matter what obstacles you’re facing.
4. Start speaking your spouse’s love language. Remember that this chapter is found in the context of serving. Love is not so much a fuzzy feeling as the grateful disposition to please God and your spouse at your own expense, by living out the commands of Scripture.
5. Keep these six commitments. It’s more important that you “be” the right person than to wonder if you married the “wrong” person. David Holwick challenges us to keep these six basic commitments.
• To grow in Christ for the rest of my life
• To stay committed to our marriage and to work to resolve all problems
• To be faithful in mind, heart and behavior
• To communicate no matter what
• To be a servant
• To assume in everything that my mate’s intentions are good
6. If you want to have a Happy 50th Anniversary, put these principles into practice (from Ray Pritchard):
• Spend lots of time together
• Don’t let things build up between you
• Thank God for what He’s given you
• Reaffirm your commitment often
• Be committed to the spouse you have, not the one you wish you had
• Don’t expect to be happy more than half the time
• Remember that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint
Here are two people. A man married to a woman. He’s a believer but struggles in many ways. He is not perfect. Sometimes he is not kind, ignores his wife and loses his temper. But deep down in his heart -- so deep he can hardly speak of it -- he is committed to his wife to the very end. His wife has no idea how hard it is…or how much he means it. In a thousand ways he fails but he never gives up. Give that man a crown. Put him on a throne. Everybody on their feet; let the throngs clap and cheer. Let the band play. Let the people shout his name. He failed in so many ways but he was faithful to his bride. He is a genuine hero.
Over here is a woman married to a man. She struggles in so many ways and often feels forgotten and neglected. She seldom gets the attention she deserves and at times just wants to give up. But she has made a bottom line commitment to stand by her man through good times and bad, through laughter and tears, through poverty and riches, through great victories and bitter defeats. Give that woman ten thousand roses. Put a crown on her head. Let us rise when she comes into the room. Let the choir sing, let the band play. She failed so many times but she was faithful to her husband. She is a genuine heroine.
7. Make sure you have received the love of God. How can we measure up to this kind of love? Maybe you feel like breaking out into tears and running away from the table. This kind of love is impossible without God’s love first being shed abroad in your heart. You cannot express love until you have first experienced it. It’s OK to cry, but instead of running away, it’s time to run to the table of communion where we remember that God loved the ugly and the imperfect and the sinful and the selfish. Romans 5:5, 8: “God has poured out his love into our hearts…But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” And because God keeps His covenant promise to us, we can keep our sacred promise to our spouse. Love ultimately isn’t about us; love is about Him! All true love starts with Him and comes down to us. An interesting assignment would be to read through 1 Corinthians 13 and substitute the name “Jesus” for every use of the word “love.”
During the 17th century, Oliver Cromwell sentenced a soldier to be shot for his crimes. The execution was to take place at the ringing of the evening curfew bell. However, the bell did not sound. The soldier’s fiancée had climbed into the belfry and clung to the great clapper of the bell to prevent it from striking. When she was summoned by Cromwell to account for her actions, she wept and showed him her bruised and bleeding hands. Cromwell’s heart was touched and he said, “Your lover shall live because of your sacrifice. Curfew shall not ring tonight!” Jesus sacrificed His bruised and bleeding body as the greatest display of unconditional love ever exhibited! He did it for you and for me. He did it so that we can be vessels of His unconditional love to the imperfect people in our lives.
Communion
Biloxi Team Commissioning
We’re going to close our service this morning by praying for those going on the first of what we’re hoping will be many trips to Biloxi. Brian Tumbleson, who is heading up the team, had an opportunity recently at work to share his faith. One of his co-workers was intrigued about why he would take vacation time to go and help those in Mississippi so he came up to Brian and asked, “So, you’re going in order to pay your way into heaven?” To which Brian responded, “No, that’s already been paid for. I’m just paying back the One who paid everything for me.”
