“FINE CHINA”
Women, what kind of men are you attracting?
By Rev. Pamela R. Staver
I was a youth minister and a volunteer assistant chaplain to the Indiana Girls’ School a few years ago. I ministered to many hurting girls and young ladies – many girls who were in all stages of trouble; girls who were runaways; girls who were delinquent in school; girls who were pregnant and unmarried, girls who had committed crimes. Believe it or not, many of the problems that these girls had stemmed from relationships; particularly with the males in their lives. Unfortunately, many of these girls had been exploited, misused and abused by men – either boyfriends or family members, even fathers and authority figures. It’s a hard fact to face and many don’t want to admit it, but a lot of the problems that we women deal with in our lives stem from our nurturing nature and our desire to please and receive validation from men. Sometimes in the cases of abuse or neglect by a family member or a parent, it’s not our fault. But, even in those situations, we tend to grow up still sort of gravitating to those types of people, those types of men. Because we either feel like we don’t deserve better or we just plain don’t know any better.
“Looking for love….in all the wrong places”
My particular burden or passion for helping and mentoring young women comes from the fact that in my younger years, I was a teenage girl who went down wrong paths, got myself into trouble – led by my desire for a man in my life.
My freshman year in high school I started dating a boy who I thought I was “in love” with. He was a Junior, 6’3”, 250 pounds mountain of pure muscle; a football player (of course), and popular. He was well respected in school ( well…he was HUGE so everybody was afraid of him). He had his own car. And he liked ME! I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. I just knew I was in love with him. I felt safe and protected and loved. He was the first “man” who had ever treated me like a woman…treated me like an adult, desirable woman. And I ate it up. He could do no wrong as far as I was concerned. That was for the first 3 months. Then, things started turning ugly. He didn’t want me to spend time with my friends; he wanted to be with me during my every waking moment. And if he ever thought or heard I was talking to another guy…there was hell to pay. I was afraid to break up with him because I discovered he had a VERY bad temper and I worried about what he would do to me. But, after a year, I finally got tired of his smothering insecurity and his overbearing-ness and I tried to break up with him. The result, he dislocated my nose, attempted to kidnap me and even at one point pulled a gun out on me. He terrorized my family and our home and stalked me everywhere I went. The only way I was eventually able to get away from him was that a good friend of our family got one of his friends, who was a state trooper, to follow him on the highway on one of his many trips home from college. This state trooper basically told my ex-boyfriend to stay away from me or he’d deal with him...personally. You’d have thought I would’ve learned my lesson from that.
Unfortunately, I didn’t. I ended up right back in another needy, emotionally immature relationship and as a result…. I graduated from high school at the age of 18, and was 3 months pregnant. I fell in “love” again and mistakenly thought that if we loved each other everything would turn out o.k. (I mean, afterall, isn’t that how it is in the movies?) Problem was, I didn’t really know who I was (who does at 18?) But, because my mother and father were divorced and my father wasn’t around most of the time, I craved and needed male attention and affirmation. To make a long story short, we did get married – 1 year and another child later. By the time I was at the ripe old age of 27 I had 4 kids, had been married for almost 10 years to a man with a drug addiction; I had no money, no car, was living at home with my mother, and my life was a complete and total mess. Why? All because I felt that I wasn’t complete without the validation of a man – a man who could’ve been the right man but didn’t know how to be. And because we married so young and both came from broken homes we didn’t know how to be what we should’ve been for each other. I in particular, didn’t know what or who I was called to be as a woman and how I should’ve expected to be treated – by the right man.
“Handing over your heart”
You see, we go about searching for a mate the wrong way. We follow our senses; we care so much about externals and looks or money. Or, as was in my case, we’re just looking for attention and the guy who just happens to show you a little attention is the one you give your heart to. You don’t bother to try to get to know what kind of person he is or what kind of “character” he has. Oh, you may notice some things that are maybe “not quite right” about him, but you ignore it. You overlook it. Because you so desperately want to be in love and be loved. But I’m living proof that’s not how you go about finding a life-long mate. That’s how you end up making your life miserable. Trust me. I know from experience.
First of all, to find the right kind of man, you have to learn how to become the right kind of woman. YOU have to be emotionally mature. Not needy. Not desperate. You can’t look to another person or a mate for happiness or to define you or make you feel fulfilled. You need to be comfortable with who you are as an individual first before you go worrying about trying to find somebody to spend your life with. You have to go to God discover who you are and ask God to develop you first. With His help and guidance, you need to find your own worth…in Christ. Look at what the God of the universe says and thinks about you. Proverbs 139:13 -16 says this: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Proverbs 138:8 says this: The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.
The bible goes on to tell us that God knows the plans that He has for us. Plans not to harm us but to help us. Plans for a good future. That’s what He thinks of us. We’re fearfully and wonderfully made by Him. He cares about us intimately and wants a relationship with us. And if God only wants the best for us, shouldn’t we want the best for ourselves? He has plans for a good future for us, if we follow Him and do things His way. It’s when we decide we’re going to do things our own way that we get ourselves into trouble and our lives really get messed up. And until we get it right in our own minds we’ll always be insecure, needy and vulnerable and looking for someone else to feel complete.
“You love me? Yeah, o.k. PROVE IT!”
Do you know that there are men out there who absolutely prey on insecure, vulnerable women? They seek them out, looking to exploit and take advantage of their weaknesses. Whether it’s for sex or for money or just to have someplace to lay their heads at night, they’re out there. And they’re the kind of men who will break a women’s hearts every time. Because they’re only out to get what they can get. They don’t care about a woman’s feelings or handling her heart with care. These are emotionally immature men. The kind of men we need to stay away from. We need to become more selective in who we give our hearts to. Don’t just give your heart (or your body either) to anybody who happens to spark your interest. Your heart is a very special thing. It’s a precious gift to be handled with proper care by someone who knows how. Don’t just settle for anybody. Don’t foolishly give away something so valuable. If God sees so much value in you that He made you “fearfully and wonderfully” and has plans for a good future for you; wants to seek a personal and intimate relationship with you, then why would you give your heart to just any old guy?
Stop and take a good hard look at yourself. Do you keep finding yourself in different relationships with the same TYPE of man? A man who has an addiction, or one who’s physically aggressive and abusive towards you? Or, could it be the kind of guy who is overbearing and emotionally or verbally abusive? Or, there are those men who are totally irresponsible, won’t work, won’t take care of themselves or their families; won’t commit to being there for you. If you tend to continue to end up with the same type of men – men who turn out to be real losers like the one’s described above, maybe you need to stop and ask yourself why you keep allowing yourself to end up with these kinds of guys. Is it them…or is it you? You don’t think it’s your fault? You say, “they seem o.k. at first but then they turn into somebody else or the end up being this monster that I didn’t know existed.” Well, you know what the answer to that is? Don’t be so quick to headlong into a jump into a relationship. Trust me on this one. I know what it’s like to jump headlong into a serious relationship too soon – only to find out the person that you’re with is TOTALLY not who you thought he was going to be. Because you didn’t give yourself enough time to really get to know this person. If someone says they care about you , they love you, they want to have a relationship with you – make them prove it. Give it time to develop, slowly. Give yourself time to find out what type of person this guy really is. Give it enough time for you to see his true colors come out. Find out how he reacts when he gets angry…find out if he really cares about you as a person or if he’s just hustling you. One clear sign of trouble is when a guy wants to rush into a relationship too fast. When he wants to rush you into sex or into moving in together or even into getting married too soon…that should be a red flag. Something’s not quite right. I mean, what’s the big hurry, afterall? Do you not feel that you deserve better or that you’re worth the wait? If you give yourself time before jumping into anything, you can eventually find out what kind of man you’re dealing with. Don’t be in such a hurry. What’s the rush? If it’s a good relationship that’s meant to be, if this is the man God has for you, then he’s not going to leave. He’s not going to push you and rush. If he does, then he’s not the right man for you. Don’t you think you’re worth it? Don’t you feel that you are worthy of the loving care of a GOOD man? You should. And God certainly thinks that you are.
“Go to the source”
There are many women in the Bible who are heralded as women of great virtue. Women who stand out among women. Women like Ruth, Abigail, Mary, Queen Esther. These were women who understood who they were in God’s eyes, had confidence in themselves and the One who created them; These women had clear understanding of their roles in life and what they were called to do for God. They were women who were smart enough to trust in God for the selection of a mate – and because of their confidence in God and in themselves, the men that God brought into their lives were men who honored and cherished them – took care of them and called them “blessed”. God brought them emotionally mature men who recognized their value as women and as God’s vessels – and knew how to treat them. Ladies, maybe we should learn from the example of these women. Learn how to become the women that God has called us to be, instead of chasing after the wrong man…or just any man. Maybe if we work on who we are and leave the choosing of a mate up to God, he will lead us to or lead to us, that right man who will treat us the way that God intended – with honor and integrity, kindness and love.
Let’s look at a couple of these women:
Ruth: (the book of Ruth)
Ruth, from the land of Moab travels to Israel with her mother-in-law, Naomi, after their husbands and sons die. Before leaving to go back to her homeland Naomi tells all 3 of her daughters-in-law to go to their own homelands. Two of the daughters-in-law leave Naomi but Ruth is determined to stay with Naomi. She goes with her mother-in-law back to Israel to take care of her, even against Naomi’s protests. Ruth leaves her own people, her own mother and father and family and goes with Naomi and adopts the God of Israel as her own God and is obedient and vows to take care of her lonely, poor mother-in-law, Naomi. Because of her sacrifice and obedience to God, God leads Ruth to a kind and generous man, Boaz who turns out to be related to Naomi. He learns of Ruth’s kindness to her mother-in-law; her leaving her own family to be with Naomi and to take care of her. In turn, Boaz treats Ruth with kindness and dignity and protects her from harm from other men. (Ruth 2:4-16) Because of the strength of character that Boaz finds in Ruth he eventually marries her. We also find out that Ruth is part of the ancestral lineage of king David and Jesus.
Abigail (I Samuel Chapter 25)
Abigail was a very smart and beautiful woman. But she was married to a harsh and cruel man named Nabal (which meant fool). David (who had not become king yet) and his men while in Carmel where Nabal lived, had protected Nabal’s flocks, property and even his shepherds from the attacks of thieves and from other So later on, David sent some of his men to Nabal to ask him for some provisions for him and his men as payment for their protection and kindness. Nabal, being the fool that he was, refused David and insulted him. This made David very angry and he ordered his men to ride with him to the home of Nabal to kill Nabal and his whole household. Abigail, Nabal’s wife, found out about what David was planning to do and, without her husband’s knowledge, prepared massive amounts of food and drinks and flocks and provisions and then went out to meet David with these offerings to beg mercy for her home and family. Her bravery in spite of her husband’s foolishness; her gifts to David and his men, as well as her words of wisdom changed David’s mind and she found favor in his eyes. He blessed her and praised her for her quick thinking, wisdom and bravery. He treated her with the great kindness and dignity that she deserved. And, after Nabal died, he sent for her and married her.
The woman of Proverbs 31:
People read this passage of scripture and always use it as a guide for what a truly good woman should be. And it does give a great description, a great model for us as women.
The Proverbs 31 woman is smart, industrious, takes care of her responsibilities; she cares for her home and family, she’s kind and generous and cares for not only her own but for others as well. She’s wise. She is a woman of great character. But even more interesting is her husband. I think people often overlook him If you read that passage of scripture, you find out that he is a model of what a good man is or should be. He’s well respected by other people (Proverbs 31:23), he sees his wife as a jewel, a rare find (Proverbs 31:10), he’s safe and secure in his love for her and her love for him because he knows she only has his best interest at heart. He finds value in who she is as a person. He praises her above all other women ( Proverbs 31:28, 29).
He is a GOOD man. He doesn’t try to manipulate or rule over or bully her. He recognizes her worth as a human being and her wisdom and allows her the freedom to be who she is. He lets her bloom and blossom under his love for her. He doesn’t treat her unkindly or with disrespect. Ladies, THIS is the type of man that we women should allow God to bring into our lives. Not the cool guy. Not the slick guy. Not the guy with all the money and cars. Not necessarily the “hot” looking guy. But, the GOOD guy…the godly guy.
The good guy is the man who knows how to treat a woman and treats her the way she deserves to be treated. But, in order to find that man, in order for God to allow that type of man into our lives, we have to open our eyes and see beyond externals - and - we have to become women of character and wisdom ourselves. We have to carry ourselves with dignity and self-respect. Because you can’t expect a man to treat you with kindness and respect if he knows that you don’t even respect yourself. If you allow a man to treat you any kind of way, if you put up with manipulation and abuse, if you let a man beat on you or bully you, you’re in essence saying to that man that you don’t respect yourself enough to walk away from someone who is hurting you and that you feel you deserve to be treated that way. Those are the type of men you will tend to attract. But if you ask God to show you how to be a woman of character and wisdom, through His word (the bible) and His Spirit, He will show you how to carry yourself in such a way that you become a woman of dignity. And then God will bring the man into your life who will have enough self-respect and confidence in who he is; And he’ll know the right way to treat a woman.
I Peter 3:7 tells men: “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
I Peter is telling men to live with their women in an UNDERSTANDIING way. Not bullying, not belittling, not abusive. Not name-calling and yelling, but “understanding”. It says to show her honor. It’s saying that a woman should be treated as someone weaker – not weaker as in less of a person or a lack of strength. The meaning here is more like “delicate”. Like a fine piece of china…something that you take care to treat well because it’s special. It’s of great worth. I like that. That’s how God wants men to treat women. That’s how God wants husbands to treat their wives. It’s not about the guy with wealth, or power or looks. It’s about a man who will treat you like “fine china”. That’s the type of men we should be looking for; men who can handle our hearts like “fine china”. We shouldn’t settle for less from them. And we shouldn’t settle for less from ourselves.
