Funeral Message for a Young Child
Doug McCulley, doug@commonjourney.com
Please Note:
Born to Andrew & Darlene Kiss, on May 28, 1999 — Heather Rose was an exceptional child. She had suffered a stroke before birth and even though Doctors told Darlene and Andrew she probably would not be able to walk and that her capacity for speech would be very limited, the parents never gave up hope. She was developmentally delayed but she did walk and talk. She was an absolute delight and joy. I believe she had the most remarkable blue eyes that I have ever seen. She was almost 4 at her death.
The 2nd weekend in March, her newborn baby brother almost a week old, Heather became ill with fever. Given children’s Advil, she became terribly ill. Doctors soon diagnosed her with Stevens-Johnson syndrome and Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis. This destroys the soft tissue— skin, lungs, kidneys. She was immediately transferred to one of the top burn units in the country where they tried to treat her symptoms.
Without being too graphic, Heather’s skin dissolved, her kidneys failed, and her lungs deteriorated. She was in horrific pain and gruesomely disfigured. She hung onto life for 6 days. She died on March 17, 2003.
There are many articles about her death. Her parents pushed for stronger warnings on ibuprofen and in the Spring of 2005 the FDA ordered the drug companies to change their warnings. Pediatricians now know to educate parents of the risks of using ibuprofen.
===========================================
Funeral Message Notes for Heather Kiss, March 21, 2003
===========================================
On behalf of the family, thank you for being here. Your presence speaks of your concern and love for Andrew, Darlene and the rest of the family.
To begin: We grieve for ourselves
The Bible makes it clear
In heaven, God himself wipes away every tear. There is no death, or mourning or crying or pain. (Rev 21.4)
What that means is that as soon as Heather breathed her last
She went to be in the arms of our Lord and
She has no memory of the pain of this ordeal.
If she has any memory of her last week at all,
She may remember the kindness of caring doctors and nurses,
but not the treatment.
She may remember the love in our eyes,
But not the sorrow and tears.
She may remember the devotion the family watching over her,
But not our pain and fears.
AND after we’ve all been there in heaven for a millennia or two, at some point maybe God Himself or the Angel Gabriel, perhaps her guardian angel OR even Heather may gather us all together and introduce us to the 100’s and 100’s of people from different countries who prayed for her.
But even then, she will not know why we were praying except that it was out of love for her.
So we grieve for ourselves.
We have regrets— she has none.
We feel cheated— she does not.
We feel crushed— she is set free in eternity.
We miss her— she is perfectly content.
We may have doubts and fears—
She is in her Savior’s arms
wrapped in our prayers
wrapped in our love— for love is eternal.
I know this is true.
Also, She would want the people around her to be happy.
Children delight in the joy of their parents and loved ones. She would be elated to see you smile, to hear you laugh. She would be thrilled to feel the pleasure you will have with Tyler & Trevor. She would be satisfied to know that you will miss her terribly but that you will also learn how to enjoy life again.
There is a part of us that feels uncomfortable when we enjoy life after such a loss. That first time that you go through an entire day without tears, you may feel guilty… but do not… She knows you still miss her. Tears and sadness is not the only way to show that you miss your precious angel.
Friends, some practical things
Short term
Think about how you can help. We sincerely and caringly say, “If you need anything, just call.”
Not today, but in the weeks and months to come offer your help by saying, “I’m going to the store, I have the time. What can I get for you?” “I want to bring dinner over a certain evening or I can take this or do that for you.”
Be specific. Offer your time. If your help is declined one week— Offer again and again over the next few weeks.
Long term… a week from now, a year from now, a decade from now, don’t be afraid to mention Heather… To say “I remember her smile… her joy.” Say “I know you miss her.” Or “I’d like to see some pictures of Heather.” Yes, it might bring a tear… but those tears are nothing compared to the pain that saying nothing brings. So often parents who have lost a child say to me, “what hurts the most is that people act as if my child never existed.” Please talk about Heather to the family. They want to know that she was valued.
And yes it will continue to be okay to say directly to them, “How are you doing? What’s the hardest part of the day so I can pray for you then?”
Now to the tough subject:
I ask for your patience and attention. The circumstances that bring us here today are so unusual I need to attempt to explain in a few words some difficult truths.
I have to be honest. I don’t understand why God does not intervene more often. I have at other times sat with families trying to bear the unbearable.
I have come to this conclusion—
We must learn to trust the heart of God,
because we cannot always understand the ways of God.
And how can we trust the Heart of God?
It comes down to this… I know that Jesus was truly God the Redeemer who willingly took on flesh.
Therefore He is not a remote God who watches us suffer from a distance
He was willing to put on skin and be like us, He walked this earth and dealt with people so compassionately. He would reach down and hold a child in his arms; he would put his hand upon the head of those who were hurting. You cannot read the gospels without knowing that Jesus’ compassion to those who suffer was so complete and wonderful.
But the story does not stop there.
I can trust Him because He suffered as we do. And He was completely innocent and yet suffered the most horrid pain and indignation.
Joni Erickson was 19 when an accident left her paralyzed from the chin down. She writes how her faith began to be restored when a fellow paraplegic said, “God understands— He was paralyzed too.” “What?” “You know— When He was nailed to the cross— He was like us. He was helpless. He had to ask for a drink.”
I thought of that as I prayed over Heather.
And although I could not understand why this was happening— I knew that I was praying to God who was acutely acquainted with raw skin, bleeding head, legs and arms that were immobilized. Because He suffered, I can trust the heart of God even when I don’t understand the ways of God.
The Apostle Paul wrote about this… Paraphrasing from Romans 8
If God didn’t hesitate to embrace our condition and expose himself to the worst by sending his own Son, don’t you know you can trust His heart?
Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. So Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Because He knows pain and sorrow, betrayal and loneliness I can trust the heart of God.
From the prophet Isaiah, we are told that Jesus would be
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
He was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed. From Isa 53.3-5
Because He was stricken, because the God-in-the-flesh Jesus walked this earth, unjustly suffered great torture I know that He can understand.
We can trust a God who knows what it’s like to feel the weight of the world on one’s shoulders and to feel totally alone, abandoned and helpless. And so when I prayed about Heather, I was praying to a God who experienced what she experienced therefore I can trust His heart.
At the bomb sight in Oklahoma City where so many children lost their lives was posted this poem.
Posted on the wall at the
Oklahoma City bombing site
By K. C. and Myke Kuzmic
Stockton, CA
And God Said...
I said, "God, I hurt."
And God said, "I know."
I said, "God, I cry a lot."
And God said, "That is why I gave you tears."
I said, "God, I am so depressed."
And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine."
I said, "God, life is so hard."
And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."
I said, "God, my loved one died."
And God said, "So did mine."
I said, "God, it is such a loss."
And God said, "I saw my son nailed to a cross."
I said, "God, but your loved one lives."
And God said, "So does yours."
I said, "God, where are they now?"
And God said, "Mine is on My right and yours is in the Light."
I said, "God, it hurts."
And God said, "I know."
The scripture says that Jesus is able to be the perfect one to sympathize with us because He suffered in all ways such as we suffer.
But it does not end at the cross. Because of the resurrection I know that these promises are true.
“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. –John 11.25-26
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am
I am the way and the truth and the life.
From John 14:2-4,6 (NIV)
The suffering of Jesus lets me know I can trust the heart of God.
The fact that in Heaven somehow all things will be set right, lets me know that in the long run I can trust the ways of God even when the immediate events are absolutely unbearable.
Someone said, “Time heals all wounds.” That is absolutely NOT true.
Grief… it doesn’t end today.
One of the ugliest words that gets thrown around is the term “closure”.
There is no closure— Not for something like this.
For 50 years, from where ever he was in the world, even in middle of World War II President Eisenhower made sure that flowers were sent to his wife every year on the birthday of the child they lost.
President Bush is known to be so clear about his feelings about the short life of his younger sister and the joyful impact she had her family and the pain of losing her.
Time does NOT heal all wounds, but ETERNITY does.
If we trust the heart of the God who made us and died for us, who rose again… Eternity will heal all hurts, all injustice, all pain.
And when someone who does not know, asks the parents about their children that assurance of eternity will allow them to say,
“We have 2 wonderful sons here and a little girl with the most precious blue eyes waiting for us there in Heaven.”
(I also referred to the story of David from 2 Samuel 12)
David’s child was gravely ill. David fasted and prayed. But when the child died he got cleaned up and ate. Someone asked why… he replied
“I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the LORD will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.” 2 Sam 12.22-23
Finally
The scripture says that God has put eternity in our hearts… that is why deep within us we know there has to be more to our existence than what we see here on earth.
And that is why when we see Heather, we see and feel that joy. For those wonderful childlike qualities are eternal.
Truth is eternal
Love is eternal
Hope is eternal
Faith is eternal
And when we experience a child who is so sweet, so guileless, so unselfish, so trusting, it touches that deep part of us that is eternal.
Heather, you opened a window of eternity for all who met you. God shared a bit of heaven’s sunlight in your face, your smile and especially your eyes.
We miss you. But we know one day we will be with you again. And so we entrust your spirit to our precious Lord Jesus…
Lord, She was always yours. She was only loaned to us for a short while. We give her to you, knowing that we can trust your care. Knowing that she is bathed in a joy that we cannot comprehend.
Thank you for the eternal assurance that is found in trusting your heart… Trusting what you did at the cross that gives us this comfort and guarantee of heaven. Amen
==============
(I have used the following for both children dedication and memorial services. It was a part of the dedication service for Heather when she was a few months old.)
Childlikeness by Doug McCulley, www.commonjourney.com
============
—Feel free to use this if you give the acknowledgment of name and website.
Also, I would appreciate just an email doug@commonjourney.com
notifying that it was used for bulletin, website, newsletter, etc. and name and location of church/group. Thank you!—
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Jesus in Luke 18:16 17:
"I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
A child doesn’t feel unworthy to accept a gift.
A child is usually quick to open a gift without questioning his own worthiness to receive the gift.
A child doesn’t feel anger or resentment very long.
A child is usually quick to forgive and forget.
A child doesn’t feel despair or overwhelming guilt.
A child is usually too busy living to become bogged down with the past.
A child doesn’t feel failure.
A child is usually quick to get up and try again.
A child doesn’t feel threatened or defensive when confronted with something different.
A child is usually very flexible, teachable, willing to try something new.
He is willing to be led and tries to please those he loves.
A child doesn’t feel worry about next week or even an hour from now.
A child is usually involved in the ’now’ and isn’t too concerned about the future.
He trusts his parents to care for tomorrow.
Until adults make unreasonable demands,
A child doesn’t feel pressured to be perfect, but just himself.
A child can be so trusting, so very honest.
A child can be so willing to learn, so willing to try new things,
And yet enjoy the things it loves over and over again.
We need more CHILDLIKENESS in these areas.
Now, of course childishness (self-indulgent, demanding attention, demanding one’s way, etc.) is never appropriate. But to be childlike is a requirement to be apart of God’s family.
Jesus was asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" Matthew records His response:
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And He said;
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."
Matthew 18:2 5
May we all learn to become more childlike.
