Heaven Help the Home
Marathon Marriage – Oct 2
Security & Significance – Oct 9
Fighting Fair – Oct 16
Taming the Tongue – Oct 23
Leading & Loving – Oct 30
In the next 5 weeks I’d like to encourage you at home. God gave us a wonderful gift of home – a place of protection and significance. Home is a place where you don’t have to pretend to be something you are not. In fact, home is a place where you can’t pretend successfully because people know you too well.
The challenge is that the home is under attack. There is a war to destroy this refuge for the human soul. Sometimes the battle is overt and very apparent. Sometimes it is subversive and invisible. Sometimes it is simply a matter of neglect, apathy, and disrepair. Whichever the challenge, whatever the direction of attack it’s clear that this is not going to be easy. If we are going to make our homes a place of encouragement, rest and safety we need God’s help to make it so.
Now, this is not anything new. I am appalled at what our world and culture is constantly bringing against the home – but this attack is not new – it’s as old as the battle between the angels of God and Lucifer.
At Meridian Christian Church we say that our mission is to “Help People Find The Way Home.” That being the case let’s talk about what it takes to make our earthly home a Godly home.
This week we’ll be looking at what it takes to build a strong foundation – Making a Marathon Marriage.
Let’s go to our expert contributors to learn what it takes to make a good marriage.
How to Have a Marathon Marriage
“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10
When asked to give the right age to get married, six-year-old Freddie said,
“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6
In answering the age-old question about whether it is better to be single or married,
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Anita, age 9
And, when asked how best to make a marriage work, 10-year-old Ricky perceptively replied: “Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”
Ricky, age 10
I should note here that this “Ricky” is not a quote from my childhood. I deny it categorically!
The Seasons of Marriage
There is no doubt that making a Marathon Marriage – one that goes the distance, “till death do us part” – is a very real challenge.
Actress Sandra Bullock secretly married "Monster Garage" reality-TV star Jesse James in July. It’s his third marriage. Larry King has been to the altar six times. Billy Bob Thornton, five. Tom Cruise has been boasting about his third wife-to-be. Prince Charles wed for the second time in April. But it’s not just celebs changing partners.
Recent statistics show almost half of those who marry in the United States split before death do they part. Many experts agree the stigma of divorce is waning.
"Many people in their 20s have what we now commonly call starter marriages, find they aren’t compatible, then marry someone else," says Kathleen Waldron, of human services at Arizona State University. "A lot of them rebound and many times bring the same mistakes and issues into another marriage. It’s not so uncommon for people to say they got wiser by the third marriage."
Donna and I have a marriage that has gone through several different seasons. We’ve had our ups and our downs. We’ve experienced things that were funny -- and other things that made one, or both of us, weep with anguish and pain. That’s really the nature of marriage -- it’s dynamic, it is difficult, it is different every day – kind of like a river that flows through every possible environment – from the deep jungle to the arid dessert; from the cold harsh winter glaciers to warm and fruitful farmland.
Every marriage experiences it all at one time or another. Unfortunately, a lot of folks are not prepared to survive the harsher times.
In my observations there are four seasons of marriage.
The Season of Romance
… Everything is IDEAL
The first season is the romantic season. . Most every relationship starts off here. During the romantic season of marriage, couples demonstrate intensity. They focus only on each other. Their feelings are strong, their passions are unbridled.
I went to lunch this past week and while waiting for my appointment to come I noticed a pretty young thing waiting for her lunch partner and soon he arrived. Before he sat down he gave her a nice kiss and then they held hands across the table and laughed and talked with great animation. Right next to them there was a older couple who looked to be in their mid 70’s. They talked quietly without holding hands. I observed no kissing and no deep sighs as the looked at each other. In fact, his biggest concern was that the waitress had brought him corn instead of green beens!
In the romantic season the couple is a bit idealistic. During this stage, the tendency is to put your partner up on a pedestal. He or she can’t do anything wrong. They write poetry to each other. Listen to how a love struck man describes the love of his life in Song of Songs 4. His name is Solomon.
How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead [remember, this is a middle-eastern setting!] Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance...
He continues to describe her physical attributes -- but I think I’ll stop at the neckline – because it does get pretty racy!
The Season of Reality
… Everything is an ORDEAL
If the Romance Season is the ideal, in the season of Reality – the ideal turns into an ordeal.
Amazingly the very things that attracted you to one another becomes the very thing that drives you a little Looney.
By the way, one clue that you’ve left the Romance stage is when you start rolling your eyes at couples who haven’t!
At this point dullness may set in. Things are no longer so exciting. Nothing’s really new. Disagreements turn into the cold war.
Those in this season often feel cheated and trapped. That knight in shining armor on his gallant white stallion has become a crusty guy with a dirty flannel shirt on an old gray mare. That beautiful maiden with long flowing hair has become a nagging witch (with a b) with a head full of curlers.
What started out as puppy love has gone to the dogs.
The Season of Regret
… Looking for a NEW DEAL
The Romance Stage is when we think of marriage as the perfect ideal; the Reality Stage is where the ideal can turn into an ordeal; the Regret stage is when you want a new deal.
This season of regret is mixed huge portions of remorse and bitterness. And this is where many, many people get stuck in their marriages.
But it also at this point that there is a moment of decision – It’s at this point that you have three choices.
The Moment of Decision
Option 1: Bail
Maybe you just can’t take it anymore. You want out. You’ve been hurt too bad. You’ve gone too long with your needs unmet. You figure it’s just not worth it.
The average length of marriages in America is 7.2 years -- and many don’t even make it for a couple months. It’s easier to get out of marriage today then it is to get out of a Book of the Month Club! Only one has to make the decision. Some of you haven’t had the choice because your spouse made it for you.
If this is your situation then know this: Our prayers are with you and we will support you and your children in every way we can!
How many here have been married for more than 7.2 years? Congratulations – you are above average! Keep up the good work!
Option 2: Settle
Maybe you know that your marriage isn’t that great, but you figure there’s not much you can do about it.
It’s like what Minnie Pearl says: “Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.”
Some of you have cooled off and are just living like roommates, as you pour your life into other things, ignoring your spouse. Others of you deliberately hurt each other by launching verbal attacks, put downs, and other unkind behavior.
Option 3: Build
Option #3 is to Build Your Marriage. I know what some of you are thinking -- “You got to be kidding. Do you know how difficult it is to live with my spouse? There’s no way.” While I don’t know about all your difficulties, I do know that it is possible to build your marriage.
Ted Turner, media mogul and billionaire had this to say: “After having done CNN and the Superstation, winning the America’s Cup in 1997 and the ’95 World Series with the Atlanta Braves, I feel that I can do just about anything. Except have a successful marriage.”
I’m convinced that most of you want a successful marriage -- you really do.
The problem is that some of you are stuck -- you just don’t know how to make it work.
The Fourth Season of Marriage
There is a fourth season. A season of renewal – a time when there is a maturing of love and re-bonding of the souls in the marriage. This time is not ecstatic nor is it filled with deep gooey drippy hang on each other lovey-doveyness.
This season is filled with a tranquil faith in one another and a deep trust that your partner really cares for you. It’s rich, deep, and better than the smoothest chocolate fudge on the best ice cream – and that’s saying a lot.
How do you get unstuck and out of the season of regret into this wonderful season of renewal.
Build on the Foundation Stones
It’s not easy but it is very simple. You must build on the basics. You have to go back to the foundations of marriage.
Let’s look briefly at what the creator says about marriage.
Leave your father and mother
24 So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.
Genesis 2
God says first of all that when we get married, we need to leave our parents. What this means is that we need to sever the emotional umbilical cord. We need to make a break with our parents so that we can build a Marathon Marriage with our spouse. When you get married, your spouse is to become your second priority in life, after your relationship with God.
The word “leave” is a very strong word that is translated “forsake” in other places. Husbands and wives, you are to disconnect yourself from loyalty to your parent’s priorities, traditions, rules and influence.
This doesn’t mean that you can never talk with them again. What it does mean is that your allegiance needs to change. Your loyalty now belongs to your spouse -- your partner should never have to compete with your parents – or anyone else for that matter.
You have to leave your college buddies, your girlfriends, and everything that can come between you and your new best friend.
Build on the Foundation Stones
Be United
24 So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.
Genesis 2
The word “united” literally means to be glued together -- “to melt 2 separate entities together to form a permanent bond.” The word you may hear in some weddings is “cleave”. It has the idea of being bonded or welded together. The union is so strong that it takes something extremely violent to dissolve it.
There are four bonds that are to be nurtured between a man and a woman.
The Four Bonds of Love
Eros – Physical attraction
In marriage you now belong to one another – physically. The implications of this are staggering. That man – that woman belongs to you and you need to treat them as if they were exquisite and valuable because – they are!
Storge – Nurturing care
This involves taking care of the other person when they are sick. It means encouraging them to take classes that help them grow or supporting them when they want to take up a new challenge.
Phileo – Friendship and common values
This involves sharing life experiences and enjoying one another’s company. It means spending time together doing things that you both enjoy.
Agape – Sacrifical gift of self
The agape love is the love of God that says you are first – even when it costs me everything.
The whole idea of marriage is that you put a wall of promises around your bonds of love. You determine to protect these bonds with your very life – which paradoxically allows the bonds to grow even stronger as the years pass.
The Goal of Marriage
Two Will Become One
24 So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.
Genesis 2
Here is the greatest gift and greatest mystery – but it is true.
Jesus said it this way in Matthew 19:6: “They are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together let man not separate.”
Permanance. Commitment. No starter marriages. You can hold nothing back.
Strength
The benefits of oneness is enormous: According to engineers one 4x4 piece of angle iron can hold 2,200 lbs. When you double the pieces it can hold 96,000 lbs. In other words two can do 43 times more what one can do.
The same man who wrote that love letter I read from earlier, also kept a journal. His name is Solomon. And, after writing about his love for his special lady, he wrote these words in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up!
But there is an even better result.
God’s Great Gift is Intimacy…
… with your mate
Intimacy means knowing what is there and accepting it when all the covering – whether it’s physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual – is stripped away.
We see this in verse 25 where we read that “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
Marriage is designed to be incredibly intimate. There is no way to hide your flaws because marriage makes you vulnerable and subject to shame. If you’re married, God’s intention is for you to be in a marathon marriage where you can safely be transparent and vulnerable without fear of being put down.
… with Jesus Christ
As your marriage moves through the various seasons -- the ideal of Romance; the ordeal of Reality; and the new deal of the season of regret -- you really can have a new deal. But if you want a new deal, you need to cultivate a relationship with Jesus Christ. You need to start living according to His guidelines. And you need to base and build your marriage according to His specifications.
If you have not yet surrendered yourself to Jesus Christ by asking Him to forgive you for your sins, this is your first step to having a Marathon Marriage. Actually, it’s the most important thing you can do even if you’re not married.
Prayer of Renewal
As we close this morning, I’d like you to stand and close your eyes. If you’re married, and your spouse is here, I’d like you to hold hands.
Are you Married?
Recommit yourself to your mate
• If you’re married, take a moment to recommit yourself to a marriage characterized by leaving, cleaving, oneness, and intimacy.
• If your marriage is in some difficulty, pray for God’s healing power to come into your relationship. Surrender yourself to Christ so that your spouse can see Jesus in you.
Have you lost your mate in death?
Thank God for the good memories.
• If you are a widow or a widower, thank God for the good memories. Ask Him for the grace you need this week.
Are you divorced?
Ask for God for his healing in your life and intimacy with him.
• If you are single because of divorce, pray for an intimate relationship with God to fill the void in your heart.
Are you a single parent?
Ask God to be the missing parent for your children.
• If you’re a single parent, ask God to be the missing parent for your children.
Are you looking for your mate?
Ask God to bring you the best in His time.
• If you’re not married, and want to be married, pray that God will bring the best to you in His own time. Commit yourself to purity and tell the Lord that you won’t settle for second best.
Do you have the gift of singleness?
Ask God to help you have an eternal impact on His work.
• If you have the gift of singleness, ask God to help you make an eternal impact in His kingdom work.
