Give Yourself a Break
Eccl. 4:6-12[1]
6-20-04
Intro
I want to begin this morning with a clip from the movie, Cheaper by the Dozen.[2]
In this movie Coach Tom (played by Steve Martin) and his wife Kate (Bonnie Hart) have twelve kids. They are doing fine until opportunity knocks—an opportunity for Tom to pursue his dream of coaching a successful Top Ten football team in another town. In addition to the stress this change puts on the family, his wife, Kate, gets a chance to pursue her career as the author of a best selling book.
In this scene you will see the strain that comes on this family as they try “to have it all.”
Ch 21 (01:12:41) to end of Ch 22 (o1:17:52).
Earlier in this movie when the opportunity for promotion comes to Tom he proclaims to Kate with great excitement, “We’re gonna have it all!” Cheaper by the Dozen identifies a myth that plagues both Christians and non-Christians alike in this country. Can we really have it all? Perhaps the answer to that question depends upon what you mean by “it all.” Can I have everything God has to offer me and everything the world has to offer me? Absolutely not! The Bible makes that abundantly clear. James 4:4 “You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.”
There are a lot of things offered in life that are mutually exclusive. I can not be monogamous and a polygamist at the same time. I can not be in Russia and in America at the same time. I can not be a Buddhist and a Christian at the same time. We are finite beings with limited time, limited gifts, limited money, limited energy. When we choose to say yes to one thing, whether we intend to or not, we are by necessity saying no to other things.
It is very flattering and temporarily motivating to be told that you can have it all. But there is a subtle trap in that statement if you accept it the way the world means it to be interpreted. Can you have it all? You can if what you mean is that you can have everything your loving Creator and heavenly Father has designed for you to have. You can have everything He has prepared for you if you will only hear Him and obey His voice.[3] Hear the world and its myths and you will find yourself utterly frustrated. Hear God and pursue the course He has for you and the end result will be fulfilling and rewarding.
Are you a busy person? In a CNN pole 59% of all Americans answered by saying they wish they could slow down and cope better with the busyness of life.[4] Busyness is at epidemic proportions in America. And Christians seem to suffer from it just as much as non Christians. Most of us want to get our lives under control and enjoy the journey more than we are. But how do we do that? I want us to take a few minutes this morning and look at this issue of busyness in our lives. First, we will address the question as to what is happening to us in this. How is it affecting us spirit, soul, and body? Second, we will consider why this is happening. We keep inventing time saving devices. But in the end we seem to have less and less time. Finally, how can we deal with this in our daily lives?
I. What’s Happening to us as a result of all this busyness and stress?
Friday night I found myself at the emergency room at St. John’s Hospital looking at Jeanie and hearing her ask, “What is God trying to say to us in all this?” In addition to dealing with acid reflux, hiatal hernia, and sleep apnea we were also trying to get my cholesterol and blood pressure under control. I was having an allergic reaction to the blood pressure pills and had to have medication to counteract the medication. Something’s not right somewhere when all that is going on. We are in a society that stimulates itself with caffeine during the day so that everything gets done; then sedates itself at night trying to unwind enough to sleep. People are paying a high price physically for living under an unreasonable amount of stress.
In his book, Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Live, Dr. Richard Swenson lists 13 physical symptoms of excess stress. I was amazed to find over half of them going on in my own life. Here are the thirteen:
Stimulation of the cardiovascular system—rapid pulse, palpitations, increased blood pressure, chest pain, arrhythmias.
Gastrointestinal overactivity—hyperacidity, ulcers, irritable bowel, diarrhea.
Tightening of the muscles—esp. of head and neck or lower back.
Headaches
Weight changes—food used as a tranquilizer.
Increase in infections and cancer—compromised immune system
Rashes, itching
Insomnia
Unexplained fatigue
Shortness of breath
Perspiration or cold, clammy hands
Nervous tics, tremors
Teeth and jaw=clenching[5]
Some of us have discovered the wonderful power of adrenalin. But what we have failed to understand is that God gave us adrenalin rush so we could deal with brief, unusually stressful situations and then quickly come back to normal. Instead we have made it a way of life and some are suffering the consequences.[6]
Stress overload affects us emotionally as well. Some people fall into various addictions not because they are bad people but because their life style is self destructive. When we are not managing stress effectively we may become controlling of others out of a fear that circumstances will go beyond what we can handle. We may have trouble controlling our own temper. We may withdraw from people trying to get some emotional stability.
One of the major cries I hear from people is the cry of healthy relationships. Most of the counseling we do has to do with relationships. Sometimes people are terribly lonely. Sometimes they behave in ways that embarrass them and cause them to draw back from others. God wants us to enjoy healthy relationships. From the beginning He said that it is not good for man to be alone. But healthy relationships happen to emotionally healthy people. People don’t want to become the victims of our mood swings, our anger outbursts, our depression, our bossiness—whatever it is that we are dumping on them. We need relationships with other people in order to be healthy. But we need some emotional health in order to engage and maintain those relationships. All of this has much to do with life styles overloaded with stress.
Rewarding husband/wife relationships, parent/child relationships, friends at church and at work all depend on us living at an acceptable level of emotional health. But lives overloaded with stress are not healthy and do not produce healthy relationships. Richard Swenson’s main theme in his book is that we need more margin in our lives. And then he makes this statement, “Margin exists for relationships.”[7] By margin he means the difference of what we can do and what we are committed to doing. It takes time to nurture relationships. It takes emotional reserve. You can’t give something you don’t have. And if you are emotionally depleted your relationships will suffer.
Hyperbusy people eventually find themselves in a spiritual draught. “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.”[8] That is a priority God has set, not man. But when our lives get too busy what usually gets crowded out? Too often it’s our time with the Lord, our time in the word. Why? Because God is not standing over our shoulder like some foreman demanding that we get it done and get it done on time. So we appease man and put God off. We fight the fires of urgency and neglect the important and eternal—not to mention the very source of our strength and well being.
Our text in Eccl. 4 begins with the word “better”. “Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” The lure into busyness tells us it will be better if we do it. But the word of God has a different better, a better that comes with a Spirit of peace and tranquility as opposed to a life filled with turmoil and stress.
II. Why is this happening? How did we get ourselves in such a stressful life style?
First, the sociological factors.
Since the progress that has happened in our culture over the last 100 years has brought unprecedented prosperity and physical comfort, it is very easy to not see the negative emotional byproduct of many of the changes.
Let’s begin with some of the technological changes. A few generations back electricity had not been invented. The malls were not lighted up after dark. In fact, there were no malls. I know that may be a surprise to some of the younger generation. How in the world did they survive without malls? But since there was no electricity everything pretty well shut down at dark. There may have been a little reading by kerosene lamp and a little family time. But they pretty well got up with the chickens when the rooster crowed and went to bed at dark. Even a few years ago when I was a kid, all the stores closed on Sunday. Nobody worked on Sunday and there wasn’t a lot you could do on Sunday besides go to church or sleep. Wal Mart Supercenters are now open 24/7 so if you didn’t get it all done earlier you can squeeze it in at any time. Do you see how all this affects leisure time?
Did you know that the amount of leisure time enjoyed by the average American has decreased 37% since 1973?[9] No wonder you’re tired. The per capita real income in America peaked in the early 70’s. So how did we keep raising our standard of living after that? Mom went to work and credit got easier to get.[10] In spite of some of the positive things that came out of that, those two factors added a whole lot of stress onto families.
Technological progress has increased the pace of life. Your car travels down the freeway quite a bit faster than the horse and buggy of yesterday. We have grown accustom to the stress of driving 70 miles and hour bumper to bumper on the interstate. Such an experience would freak out our forefathers. We have planes to ride but we also have planes to catch and we had better be on time—even if they make us wait in line for an hour at security.
What a blessing our computers are—when they work. But has anybody here been a little more than stressed when they don’t work. I remember being told how much time computers would save me when I was in a programming class at the University of Texas in 1970. But I’m still busy. No, I’m busier than ever. I’ve got to learn how to operate this software. And since I have a computer I’m expected to use it to produce more than I could have ever produced before. All these gadgets take time to learn and maintain. It is estimated that the average person must learn to operate 20,000 pieces of equipment.[11] Some of us are still trying to figure out how to program our VCR’s. Well I would suggest we just move on to DVD players. Last Sunday morning I almost lost all my anointing to frustration when I couldn’t get my Power Point presentation transferred to CD so we could use it in the service. Thank God for Alan Smith who saved the day and figured it out.
We are overloaded at every turn with good things—but good only if indulged in with temperance. Think about the choice overload that’s occurring in our culture. In 1978, there were 11,767 items in the average supermarket; today there are 24,531.[12] No wonder I have to ask where everything is at when I go shopping. I’m amazed how Jeanie can go right to it. When I walk in the store manager just assigns somebody to do the shopping with me. When I was a kid you either ordered coffee or you didn’t. I’m glad we can now choose between decaf or caffeinated. I can have an espresso in a variety of forms or a latte’ or I might just want to have the flavor of the day. Of course, then I need to decide whether it will be smooth, dark, rich and bold, sinless pastry or Carmel coconut. It’s wonderful that we have all these choices and variety. We don’t want to give that up. But choices require thought and energy and all these little factors add up to increased stress.
We are bombarded with information overload. Did you know that a single edition of the New York Times contains more information than a British citizen of the 17th century would encounter in a life time?[13] We are assaulted with advertising on billboards, TV, mail, internet. I can’t keep my email and snail mail boxes clean to save my life. Advertisers are getting more and more apt at disguising their junk mail as something I had better not neglect. I receive a letter from my bank marked “important”. I hurriedly open it hoping I have not overdrawn. Then I discover that it’s an ad for life insurance which I probably should buy considering all the stress this is producing. With regret that a precious moment has been wasted I discard that piece of mail into the trash and reach for the next one. How much mail do you think people dealt with 100 years ago? How much junk mail? I think maybe Sears & Roebuck sent them a catalogue about once a year.
We have debt overload to deal with—both national and personal. We have noise overload that adds to stress more than we realize. The roar of a diesel engine has a different effect on a person’s psyche than the chirping of a song bird—which by the way have all gone to the country to get away from the stress of city life. I’ve lost track of what level of terrorist alert we’re on.
It’s amazing how good things have contributed so significantly to our stress levels. We have all kinds of opportunities for recreation and entertainment. Our kids can go out for soft ball, football, karate, swimming lessons, beauty contests, on and on the list goes. Psychologists tell us that the kids deal with much more stress than previous generations.[14] A generation ago we played stick ball in the street. We learned to be creative because advertisers had not done all our thinking for us. The competition that kids deal with today is full of stress—sports competition, academic competition, beauty competition, competition to wear the right closes and see the right movies and read the right magazines. There’s no time left to just be a kid.
The competition has increased for us adults as well. Your employer had better compete and compete well if he wants to be in business next year. We are no loner dealing with national competition but international competition. Mega corporations buy low in volume and pay part time help without benefits and drive the little man out of business. Across the board people are expected to look better, be better educated, and perform better than ever before. There is a lot to be said for the excellence we pursue; but at what cost?
When I became a CPA in the early 70’s I was trained to identify inefficiencies in corporations and recommend improvements. Do you know how we got most of the improvements in efficiency? We did it by eliminating margin from workers lives. If too much time was spent in the break room talking with friends we found a way to turn part of that time into producing the product. If a man on the assembly had to wait two minutes for his turn to work on the product, we changed the work flow so he stayed at it all day long. We have become experts at sitting productivity goals and making the process efficient. But while we did that we forgot about the human factor. We left workers no time to make friends or just de-stress. We had to do that to compete but it was done at a price lowering the quality of life for our workers.
I take time to deal with these matters because it has all sneaked up on us. We are fatigued and frustrated and know something is wrong. But until we take a close look at the sociological dynamics we’re likely to misdiagnose our problem.[15]
Now let me probe a little deeper, at a more personal level. Why are we susceptible to all this. Because there are motives in us that are vulnerable to the seduction.
Fear is a factor. I’m like the little kid who fights going to bed because he’s afraid he’s going to miss something. Classes are offered in Karate. Maybe I would be a more confident person if I took Karate. Maybe I would feel better about myself. What am I missing if I say no to that class? There are fears I might lose my job if I don’t go to the company party. There are fears I might not be able to pay my bills if I don’t get a raise. Fears about retirement, fears about our health, fears can drive us to do things we would not otherwise do.
Discontentment with who we are can drive us. We try to get more degrees, more certificates, more friends, more things to somehow affirm our worth—driven by a feeling that if we could just accomplish this or do that or have this we could feel good about ourselves. Have you ever just felt like it’s never enough or its never good enough? Those kind thoughts and feeling can run us ragged.[16] And at the end of the day we still don’t feel good about ourselves because our efforts have addressed the wrong issues. Only a revelation of God’s unmerited love and acceptance can relieve us of all that driven performance to try to prove or earn our worth.
Discontentment with what we have can drive us as well. Prov. 15:27 says “A greedy man brings trouble to his family...” Trying to have more than God’s giving us can make life very stressful. It can induce us into debt that increases our stress in the long run. It can cause us to neglect people in order to have things. Just because there are a lot of things to be had does not mean that we really have to have them. Just because someone else has it and may be blessed in having it does not mean we need it. In I Tim. 6 Paul warn Timothy about the love of money and covetousness. In verse 6-11 he writes, “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness.”
Unrealistic expectations set people up for a fall. Is pride behind it? Is misinformation the culprit? The media tells us things that are simply not true. Sometimes we assume things that are simply not true. Just because I can come up with a list of worthy goals does not mean that I should necessarily pursue them all. It is just as important to decide what you will not do as to deciding what you will do. In Cheaper by the Dozen both the father and the mother had personal goals they wanted to reach and they wanted everyone else in the family to pay the price so that they could reach them. But they had already made a pretty healthy commitment on their time and energy when they had 12 kids. They found out that when your goals are unrealistic something has got to give. In the end it seems to me they learned some lesson about expectations.
III. If all this be true how do we deal with it in our lives?
Open your eyes to the realities that exist in our society. If you just go with the flow of the culture you will be overloaded with no margin. If you allow yourself to be shaped by the mindset of the world you will be trapped along with the world.[17] The truth is a lot of things the world tells us is important are really not all that important. And there are things the world places little value on that are extremely important. Allow God and His word to shape your value system. Otherwise you will be pursuing the wrong goals and spending yourself on things that will leave you empty and disappointed. “Better is one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.”
Get focused and realistic when you set your goals. As a young man the opera singer Pavarotti wasn’t sure whether he wanted to be a music singer or a music teacher. He asked his father, “Shall I be a teacher or a singer?” His father’s answer was this, “Son, if you try to sit on two chairs, you will fall between them. For your life you must choose one chair.” Later in life Pavarotti said, “I took my father’s advice. And I chose one chair. It took seven years of study and frustration before I made my first professional appearance. It took another seven to reach the Metropolitan Opera. And now I think whether it’s laying bricks, writing a book—whatever we choose—we should give ourselves to it. Commitment, that’s the key. Choose one chair.”[18] Most people loose focus trying to do too many things. They are deceived by the myths propagated by society and are unrealistic in their expectations. Honey, you’re going to have to say no to some things you would like to do or you will overload with stress. Husbands and wives need to cooperate rather than compete. Parents need to give themselves a break and give their kids a break. Everybody needs to be productive but let’s enjoy the process a little along the way.
Be obedient to God. “Obedience is better than sacrifice.” God is not a hard task master. He will grace us to do what He has designed us to do. But just because it is something we want to do does not necessarily mean it is something He has authorized us to do. Some Christians are stressed out because they are trying to live two lives at one time. On the one hand they are trying to do the things God is telling them to do. But on the other hand they have not entirely surrendered their own agenda and plans. So they are trying to do that too. Here’s the problem. God will only give you the grace to do His will. You are on your own for the rest. When we’re living this way we can easily find ourselves praying a prayer that goes something like this, “Lord, don’t you care what I’m going through? Why don’t you help me? Why is this so hard?” God will not be manipulated into fulfilling our agenda just because we set the goal and started doing it. He will empower us to do His will.
Do you know how they capture monkeys in Africa? They set a jar out in the jungle with a narrow neck just large enough for a monkey to put his hand down in it. Then they drop a banana into the jar. When the monkey comes to the jar he reaches his hand in and grabs hold of the banana. But he can not pull his hand out while holding the banana. So there he is screaming to get free but unwilling to turn loose of the banana. That’s the way some of our prayers are. We’re screaming to be free from all the stress. But there are things we want and will not turn loose of. Turn loose of the banana![19]
Embrace biblical priorities and stick with them. Sometimes when people feel the stress of doing too much they make the added mistake of discontinuing what God wants them to continue and refusing to let go of what God is telling them to drop. It’s easy to cut back on our service to God and to others. It’s easy to pray less and read our Bibles less and leave people alone. We must be very prayerful and conscientious when we adjust our schedules. Make sure the new schedule is not more selfish than the old one.
Incorporate the Sabbath principle in your life. That is a whole sermon in itself. I’m not talking about some form of legalism that actually makes life harder. Jesus said that man was not made for the Sabbath but the Sabbath was made for man.[20] We need it to function properly. “Six days shall you do your work, but on the seventh day you shall rest and keep the Sabbath that your ox and your donkey may rest, and the son of your bondwoman, and the alien, may be refreshed.” (Ex 23:12)
Do not allow short term solutions to become long term lifestyles. Sometimes the ox is in the ditch and the special circumstances require special response. Sometimes we have to work seven days a week for ten hours a day because of some extra ordinary situation demands it. But when that is over we must—we must—get back to a pace that can be sustained in the long run. It takes discipline to do that—more than I have exercised at times. But God did not design us to slavishly pursue goals that rob us of relationship with Him and with people.
I have shared this message on Father’s day because it is we fathers who set the pace and lead the lifestyle that our families have to live with. Yes we want to motivate our children to be all they can be. But we want to do that with a biblical wisdom not a worldly spirit of prideful competition. We have a hard working group of people in this church. There are plenty of warnings in scripture about laziness and apathy. That is a problem for some people. But on the other side of the scale we fathers must find a balance in our lives that meets not just the financial needs of our families but the emotional and spiritual as well. Dads we salute you this morning. You do not have an easy job. Your diligence and faithfulness makes a difference in your families’ lives. We have prepared this media presentation in your honor.
Media presentation: Candid pictures of fathers in the congregation using background song by Keb Mo entitled “Color Him Father”.[21]
Text: Eccl 4:6-12
Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind. 7 Again I saw something meaningless under the sun: 8 There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This too is meaningless- a miserable business! 9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (from New International Version)
Richard Tow
Grace Chapel Foursquare Church
Springfield, MO
www.gracechapelchurch.org
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[1] Text was read earlier in the service and is provided at the end of this manuscript for easy reference. All Bible quotes are from the New International Version unless otherwise indicated.
[2] Cheaper by the Dozen, 20th Century Fox, released 12-25-03.
[3] Ephesians 2:11; Psalms 84:11; Isaiah 1:19
[4] Marc Axelrod, sermon entitled “Coping with the Busyness of Life” accessed at www.sermoncentral.com June 2004.
[5] Richard Swenson, Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives (Colorado Springs, CO: Navpress, 1992) p. 69
[6] Archibald Hart, Adrenaline and Stress (Dallas, TX: Word Publishing, 1995) addresses these issues
[7] Swenson, p. 35
[8] Matthew 6:33 NKJV
[9] Swenson, p. 148
[10] David A. Hartman, “Economic Duress and Family Decline” presented to the World Congress of Families II in Geneva, Switzerland in Nov. 14-17, 1999 accessed at http//www.lonestarefoundation.org/econ-fed.asp in June 2004. AlsoMichael Hodges, The Grandfather Economic Report accessed at http//mwhodges.home.att.net/family_a.htm in June 2004.
[11] Swenson, p. 86
[12] Swenson, p. 83
[13] Swenson, p. 85
[14] Swenson, p. 65
[15] Swenson deals with these issues much more extensively in his book from which I have drawn liberally throughout this message.
[16] Robert McGee, The Search For Significance (Houston, TX: Rapha Publishing, 1990) discusses this struggle extensively on pp. 45-62.
[17] Romans 12:1-2
[18] Marc Axelroc, “Coping with the Busyness of Life”
[19] John Garlock, who grew up on the mission field in Africa gave this illustration in a sermon at Christ for the Nations Institute in Dallas, Texas in the 1970’s.
[20] Mark 2:27
[21] Sony Music Entertainment 2001, written by R. Lewis Spencer and produced by Keven McCormick.
