Getting Counsel
Proverbs 12:15
8-24-03
Richard Tow
Grace Chapel Foursquare Church
Springfield, MO
www.gracechapelchurch.org
“You need to get counseling!” Have you ever had someone say that to you? Maybe they didn’t use those exact words. Maybe they said, “You don’t need a psychiatrist, you need a whole team of psychiatrists!” In some way the recommendation was made that you seek advice from an outside source.
This morning I want to address the very practical issue that all of us face from time to time—the issue of getting counsel—drawing advice from others.
When is it needed? When is it a waste of time? Where do you go and what do you do when you need counsel?
Using the scripture as our frame of reference I want to talk with you about:
1. Identifying your need for counseling.
2. Identifying the right source for good counsel.
3. Evaluating the counsel that is given to you.
4. Implementing the counsel you receive.
I. Identifying our need for counsel:
To what extent should I take the responsibility to solve the problem on my own and to what extent do I go to someone else for help?
There are some areas of life in which we tend to seek counsel without much hesitation. If my car breaks down I take it to the garage and get help with the problem. If my plumbing breaks I call a plumber. Ladies, when you go to your hairdresser do you ever ask advice about what style might look best on you? When I go to the doctor and get an examination I want the doctor to give me some guidance on how I can take card of my physical problem. If he gives me a prescription I get it filled and take the pills.
But for some reason we are less prone to seek counsel on spiritual issues or emotional issues. When my career is not satisfying and fulfilling what do I do? Most of us just suck it up and go to work. Is that the best solution? If my marriage is in trouble, if my kids are having problems, if I’m experiencing emotional struggles do I seek counsel?
There is something in everyone of us that would like to be self sufficient especially in those areas—in need of no one—which by the way is not reality. On the other hand, there is something in everyone of us that would appreciate some help in making this journey called life.
On a scale of one to ten are you a one—someone who is very reluctant to seek help. Or are you a ten—a person who immediately seeks counsel when the problem is encountered.[1] I would suggest that neither extreme is particularly healthy.
First, let me address the propensity to go it alone—trying to be self-sufficient without seeking counsel. There is value in that (to a point). There is sometimes much to be gained in the process of problem solving. For example, my son-in-law, John, is very handy at fixing the car when it gives problems. He is a great handy man around the house. He learned most of that because instead of calling a mechanic to repair the car and instead of calling the plumber to fix the leak, he jumped in and tried to fix it himself. In the process he may have had to get some advice but he learned a whole lot dealing with the problem. I, on the other hand, call the plumber and take the car to the shop. As a result I still have very limited knowledge in those areas. The good news is I also still have my sanity.
What am I saying? I’m saying that in the long run a short cut is not always a short cut.
Now let me apply that principle to something a little more abstract. Suppose instead of a plumbing leak you have a relationship problem. If you avoid the problem by simply avoiding the person or if you hand the problem off to someone else, how much do you learn about conflict resolution? It is when you are willing to roll up your sleeves and walk through the difficult task of confrontation and forgiveness that you learn how to fix relationships.
Early in our marriage Jeanie was extremely non-confrontational. In almost every conflict situation she got into, I would step in and resolve it for her. But as we got into full time ministry and later when she began working outside the home more and more scenarios developed where I could not do that. When she was working at Cloth World years ago I could not go to her employer and fellow employees and establish boundaries. She had to do that herself. She drew advice from me but she handled it. God was developing her in that area and now she is very capable of handling those kinds of issues herself. Sometimes God has us in His training program and by His design there is nobody to hand the ball to—we must carry it into the end zone ourselves.
So there is value in walking through the process of solving the problem especially if we will hear sound advice while we do that. In fact, that is really all good counsel can do for us—simply advice us on how we can resolve it. It has become a popular solution to just suggest counseling for any and every problem. But if the counselor is wise he or she will not take the problem from the counselee but simple equip the counselee to deal with it.
However, the propensity to “go it alone” can become very negative if we are unwilling to humble ourselves and ask for advice when we need it. Guys have you ever been driving down the road trying to find your destination, hoping to see something that will tell you where you are—and your wife is trying to get you to stop and ask for directions but then that would be to admit you’re lost and can’t find the place—has anybody besides me been in that situation? There comes a point where it’s wise to admit we need the help.
Prov 15:22
22Without counsel, plans go awry,
But in the multitude of counselors they are established. NKJV
Prov 12:15
15The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,
But he who heeds counsel is wise. NKJV
There is a point where being responsible turns into being prideful—where being resourceful turns into being arrogant. How can I know where that point is? When I have run out of solutions and I’m simply trying the old solutions again that did not work.
Is there any problem in your life that you have struggled with for years and years without a resolution of the problem? Is there any problem that seems to be a recurring cycle of defeat? That’s probably a point in your life where you need counsel. Is there an important decision that might require more expertise in that area than you have? That may be a good place to get counsel.
One outstanding definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.[2] Are you just doing the same thing over and over and wondering why it never works? Maybe you can’t see the forest for the trees. Maybe someone outside the immediate problem could suggest a solution you have not yet tried. God has not designed any of us to be an island. He has placed us in a body of believers with an essential interdependence upon one another. I am a resource to you and you are a resource to me. God has gifted me for your benefit and He has gifted you for my benefit.[3] And when we operate within that interdependence we find solutions we could never find alone.
The balance in what I am saying is found in Galatians 6:1-5
2Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 3For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. 5For each one shall bear his own load. NKJV
We cannot take our problems and just dump them on someone else. Each one must bear his own load. But we can receive from one another in such a way that the whole is more effective than the individual parts alone.
As I was preparing this message yesterday a man and his wife came to the church and asked me for counsel. As leaders in another denomination they were sent by God to receive supply from the Body of Christ in a time of great need. I knew God wanted me to bear some of the burden with them. We talked and we prayed and I think they were helped. But praise God they had the humility to ask for and receive the counsel.
Identifying the need for counsel. Are you just trying old solutions that haven’t worked? Is there a fresh perspective needed? Is there expertise needed that you don’t have? Ask and you shall receive. Ask for counsel.
II. Identifying the right source of good counsel:
Ps 1:1 “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly...” NKJV
Getting counsel is not enough. We must get the right kind of counsel if we are to succeed. In 1 Samuel 28 King Saul got counsel. But he got it from the wrong source and it resulted in judgment not success. Some of you know the story. God had sent counsel to Saul. Early in his ministry God sent Samuel as a counselor to Saul. But Saul did not obey the counsel of the Lord. How many know what happened to Saul as a result of that? Since he would not do what God told him to do, God stopped talking to him. Saul got in a desperate situation and instead of repenting and getting godly counsel he went to a witch for counsel. They had a séance and God judged the whole thing.[4] I hope everyone here knows the dangers involved in horoscopes, séances, ouija boards, and other occult activity.[5] The psychic hotline is not a good place to get counsel.
Listen to what God says in Isa 8:19-20
19And when they say to you, "Seek those who are mediums and wizards, who whisper and mutter," should not a people seek their God? Should they seek the dead on behalf of the living? 20To the law and to the testimony! If they do not speak according to this word, it is because there is no light in them. NKJV
There is a passionate quest for spiritual answers in our society. I’m glad for that. But not every source of knowledge and counsel is helpful. Some are very destructive, very seductive, very misleading. And in subtle ways and not so subtle ways they are being recommended to us through movies and other media.
“Blessed is the man who seeks not the counsel of the ungodly.”
Moses drew from a godly source of counsel when he listened to his father in law’s advice. It got him unstuck from a cycle of frustration and possible burn out.[6]
Esther got godly counsel from her uncle, Mordecai.[7]
Those counselors were not only godly but they were also competent. I am amazed at the counsel people will seek out for their problems. Their kids are giving trouble so they go to someone whose kids are messed up and ask them what to do about the problem. If my mechanic can’t keep his own car running I’m not going to get him to work on mine.
People having trouble with their marriage will go to someone else with a rocky marriage and ask what to do. It makes no sense.
If you’re going to seek counsel find someone who has done it successful or at least has some successful experience with the issues. In 1 Kings 12 Rehoboam did wise thing. He asked counsel from the elders who had served with his father, Solomon. These men were experienced and seasoned. How many know what Rehoboam did after he received that counsel? He went and got counsel from young men who had no experience in leading a nation. Then he chose the counsel he liked. He rejected the counsel from the experienced leaders and followed the counsel of his buddies. It did not turn out well for him.
If you are going to get counsel find someone whose life reflects godliness[8]and competence in the area of need. Getting a multitude of counselors does not mean going to one counselor after another until one of them finally tells you what you want to hear.
Rehoboam’s pride led him to take the wrong counsel and it got him into trouble.
Two key factors in seeking a counselor: First, godliness reflected in the person’s life as an example. Second, competence in the field under question. If I want legal advice I will ask Judge Burrell. If I need medical advice I will ask Dr. McMurray or Dr. Falukos or someone else with medical training. If I want electrical advice I will ask Dave Myers. I want to ask somebody who knows more about the subject than I do because I come to them with every intention of following through on what I’m advised to do.
III. Evaluating the counsel that is given:
Even though I am careful to seek wise counselors, I still have to take responsibility for my own decisions. That means I must “prove all things and hold fast to that which is good.”[9] It does not mean I can just do the part I want to do. If I’m coming to counsel with that attitude I’m wasting my time and the counselor’s time. I come intending to hear the counsel and do it. However, there are a few tests that counsel has to pass before I implement it.
First, it must be consistent with the nature of God and the teaching of the word of God.
I quoted Isaiah 8:20 a few minutes ago, “...If they speak not according to this word it is because there is no light in them.” No matter how reasonable a piece of advice may sound if it contradicts the more sure word of prophesy we have in the Bible then it can not be right. The end does not justify the means. I must do God’s will, God’s way.
Here’s the catch. In order to use that test I must hide the word of God in my heart.
Bible study is not something we just do to fulfill a religious obligation. Bible study is preparation for wise decisions and wise living.
Ps 119:11 “Your word I have hidden in my heart, That I might not sin against You!” NKJV
Ps 119:105 “Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” NKJV
Secondly, I must not follow counsel that violates my own conscience. Sometime a sincere counselor may advise us to do something that would be perfectly all right for him or her to do. But my conscience will not allow it. Paul addresses this issue in
1 Corinthians 8 and Romans 14. He is specifically talking about something that most of us do not struggle with in our culture and times—meat that has been offered to idols. Some of the Christians in Paul’s day could eat meat from the market place that had previously been dedicated to idols without it offending their consciences. Other could not. Paul’s instruction to those whose conscience was offended by that was twofold: Do not judge others who do eat it. Do not violate your own conscience by eating it yourself.
So can you follow the counsel in good conscience? If you can’t I would suggest you tell the counselor why his or her counsel does not work for you.
Of course, if you already know what God wants you to do, just do it. Its dangerous to ask counsel on something God has already clearly addressed. There is a very unusual story in I Kings 13. God had told a prophet in Judah to go to Bethel and deliver a message to the king and then immediately return home. Then the prophet went and faithfully delivered the message to King Jeroboam. God used him powerfully. The King stretched out his hand against the prophet and it withered. Then the prophet prayed for him and he was healed. When the king tried to get him to go home with him the prophet refused and went on his way home—so far, so good. He stopped briefly to rest under an old oak tree. And as he sat there he looked up and saw a gray-haired man approaching him. The man asked him to come back and have supper with him. When the prophet explained God’s instruction to him, the old man said, “I am also a prophet and God told me to tell you to come back.” He talked this younger prophet into coming with him. They had supper. During supper a strange, strange thing happened. The old prophet prophesied to this visitor God’s disapproval with him and the judgment that would follow. On his way back to Judah a lion met him on the way and killed him.
What is the moral of that story? Ultimately I am responsible to obey God in my life. I can’t hand that responsibility over to someone else. I must try the spirits.[10] I must evaluate the counsel in the light of what I know God is saying.
If I already know the will of God about a matter, I don’t need to ask for counsel about that. However, I may need confirmation as a part of discovering God’s will. Hearing God is an art, not a science. Most of the time we discover what God is saying through a process. The longer I follow God the less I rely on dreams and visions (although that can be part of it)[11] and the more I rely upon the process as a whole. Sometimes it is wise to get a second opinion—not so you can just choose the one you like—buy to verify the wisdom of the counsel. In the medical field this is often done and I expect doctors welcome that process as a protection to them.
Bottom line is we can’t relinquish responsibility for our lives to others. “...each of us shall give an account of himself unto God.”[12] We must take personal responsibility for our decisions. But we can be greatly helped by the wisdom others can give us in areas where they are more knowledgeable and experienced than we are.
IV. Implementing the counsel you received.
What did Moses do when Jethro told him how to solve his problem? Ex 18:12-27
12Then Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, took a burnt offering and other sacrifices to offer to God. And Aaron came with all the elders of Israel to eat bread with Moses’ father-in-law before God.
13And so it was, on the next day, that Moses sat to judge the people; and the people stood before Moses from morning until evening. 14So when Moses’ father-in-law saw all that he did for the people, he said, "What is this thing that you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit, and all the people stand before you from morning until evening?" 15And Moses said to his father-in-law, "Because the people come to me to inquire of God. 16When they have a difficulty, they come to me, and I judge between one and another; and I make known the statutes of God and His laws." 17So Moses’ father-in-law said to him, "The thing that you do is not good. 18Both you and these people who are with you will surely wear yourselves out. For this thing is too much for you; you are not able to perform it by yourself. 19Listen now to my voice; I will give you counsel, and God will be with you: Stand before God for the people, so that you may bring the difficulties to God. 20And you shall teach them the statutes and the laws, and show them the way in which they must walk and the work they must do. 21Moreover you shall select from all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them to be rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. 22And let them judge the people at all times. Then it will be that every great matter they shall bring to you, but every small matter they themselves shall judge. So it will be easier for you, for they will bear the burden with you. 23If you do this thing, and God so commands you, then you will be able to endure, and all this people will also go to their place in peace."
24So Moses heeded the voice of his father-in-law and did all that he had said. 25And Moses chose able men out of all Israel, and made them heads over the people: rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. 26So they judged the people at all times; the hard cases they brought to Moses, but they judged every small case themselves. 27Then Moses let his father-in-law depart, and he went his way to his own land. NKJV
The counsel Jethro gave Moses would have done him absolutely no good if he had not done what Jethro told him to do. We can do all that we’ve talked about up to this point. We can see our need for counsel. We can seek out godly, competent counselors. We can properly evaluate that counsel. But if we don’t actually do it, it avails us nothing.
“Be doers of the word and not hearers only deceiving yourselves.” James 1:22
Sometimes it’s a good idea to make ourselves accountable for the implementation of the counsel. If I know I’m going to have to report back and give an account of what I said I would do, I am more likely to follow through on the commitment.
The first recorded incident of not following through on good counsel is recorded in Genesis. There in the Garden of Eden, Adam received some excellent counsel. He had a Counselor Who was out of this world. The counseling session directive was this,
Gen 2:16-17 "Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; 17but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die." Unwillingness to follow that counsel was, to say the least, consequential.
One of the saddest incidents in my ministry occurred years ago. A young man in his early thirties whom I had known for years came to me for counsel. He had gotten involved in an affair and it was about to destroy his marriage. Of course, I told him the first thing he must do was to end the adulterous relationship. He agreed to do that but when he told me he would go tell the woman that it was over, I received a strong warning from the Holy Spirit. I told him not to see her again at all—even to say it’s over. I think I suggested writing a letter, but I knew God was counseling him to not see her again for any reason. He agreed. But later I learned that he had gone to her house to tell her. During that visit he changed his mind about the whole thing and continued the affair. A few weeks later they were having a drunken party and he got choked on some food and died.
I was hesitant to tell you that story because I don’t want anyone to think I’m saying if you don’t take counsel you will die. But once God speaks to us our responsibility is to obey. Counsel from the Lord is not just to be considered but obeyed. It’s one thing to just hear another person’s opinion. It’s quite another to receive God-breathed direction.
Do you have a word from the Lord? Just do it. Don’t analyze it to death. Just do what God has told you to do.
I know I am talking to some people this morning who need to get counseling about some matter in their life. Its either a major fork in the road (a decision with significant consequence that needs insight from someone more experienced) or it is an area where you are stuck. You have tried all your solutions over and over and they are not working. In conclusion I invite you to bow your head with me and ask the Lord two questions:
1. Is there a decision or issue in my life that You want me to humble myself and ask for help or counseling? 2. If so, where do You want me to go for that counseling?
Would you ask the Lord about that? Let’s pray.
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[1] Provided a scale on the screen with “independent” at left end and “dependent” on right end and “interdependent” which is the goal across the center. Covey in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, has an excellent chapter on this subject.
[2] Albert Einstein, http://www.coopcca.com/pdf/AGM/2003/SeanMoore.pdf, Pierre Ducasse said, “To have the results you’ve never had, you must do what you’ve never done.”
[3] I Corinthians 12
[4] I Samuel 28 and I Chron. 10:13-14
[5] Leviticus 19:31 ; 20:6
[6] Exodus 18
[7] Esther 4:13-14
[8] I Thessalonians 2
[9] I Thessalonians 5:21
[10] I John 4:1
[11] Acts 10 and Acts 16:9 are examples.
[12] Romans 14:12
