“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel” (Proverbs 18:19 NIV UK Version). That was King Solomon’s way of saying that family feuds are among the most painful things in life. That’s true isn’t it? After all, if you get into it with your friends, you can take comfort that at least you don’t have to live with them. If you don’t like the way co-workers treat you, you can always find a different job. But if you can’t get along with your family, life will be a drag because you can’t just change families.
If disagreements, harsh words, and even physical abuse have torn apart your family, the story of Joseph offers hope. Through Joseph’s actions God teaches us how to end family feuds. He says we do this by forgiving what has been done, and by foreseeing what God has planned.
Joseph was one of twelve sons of Jacob, the grandson of Abraham. As the first-born of Jacob’s favorite wife, Rachel, Joseph was Daddy’s favorite son. The other boys may have been able to put up with their father’s favoritism but they couldn’t deal with their brother’s habit of bragging. Joseph claimed to have received dreams in which his brothers and parents bowed down to him. The dreams were real, but so was the hatred Joseph’s brothers felt for him. One day when Joseph’s brothers were taking care of their father’s sheep, they spotted Joseph coming towards them. As they grumbled about him, their jealousy turned to murderous rage and before they knew it, they had hatched a plan to kill Joseph. Thankfully two brothers, Reuben and Judah, intervened. They persuaded their brothers to sell Joseph into slavery instead. And so Joseph was sent off to Egypt while father Jacob was led to believe that his favorite son had been killed by a wild animal.
In Egypt, Joseph faithfully served the captain of the palace guard until he was falsely accused of sexual harassment. He was imprisoned and there he languished for over two years before Pharaoh turned to Joseph for help in interpreting his dreams. With God’s help, Joseph explained the meaning of Pharaoh’s dreams and was elevated to second in command – a position he used to oversee Egypt’s food distribution.
It was under these circumstances that Joseph came face to face with his brothers once again. Famine had forced Joseph’s brothers to come to Egypt for food. When Joseph saw his brothers he recognized them immediately but they did not recognize Joseph. When Joseph did reveal his true identity, how do you think his brothers felt? Do you think they were overjoyed to see him? Not at first. At first they were scared, for the brother they had hated and treated poorly now had the resource of the Egyptian army to take revenge. Is that what Joseph had in mind for his brothers? No. Already at their first reunion Joseph put an end to the family feud when he forgave his brothers for what they had done. Joseph didn’t just tell them they were forgiven he showed it by caring for his brothers and their families by giving them food and places to live.
Still his brothers weren’t convinced. They thought that this was all part of Joseph’s plan to take revenge on them when they least expected it. And so when their father died years later, the brothers thought for sure the time had come for Joseph to exact his revenge. Upon learning that his brothers still doubted his forgiveness, Joseph wept and then he said to them: “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God?” (Genesis 50:19b) Joseph had no plans for revenge because he knew that only God had the right to do that. Therefore when we take revenge, even if that’s giving another the cold shoulder, we are playing God.
Friends, if you want to “play God,” do it by forgiving. When we forgive we do so at God’s command and serve as God’s voice of love (John 20:23). Forgive and end the feuds in your family. Forgive now. Don’t wait for those who have hurt you to show that they are sorry for what they have done. Look at Joseph. He forgave his brothers before they even recognized him. Extend forgiveness with a lifetime guarantee as Joseph did. Don’t say to one another: “I forgive you but you better never do that again.”
The kind of forgiveness Joseph extended is forgiveness God himself has shown us. God forgave us before we even asked for forgiveness. He forgave us by punishing his Son for our sins over two thousand years ago. You see it wasn’t just the Jewish leaders’ jealousy of Jesus and Pilate’s cowardliness that pinned our Savior to that cross. It was the weight of our desire for revenge against one another, and our refusal to let go of grudges that pushed the nails through his hands. God not only forgave us for these and all sins before we asked, he forgives us forever. God’s forgiveness comes with a lifetime, no, a forever-time guarantee because the one who died for our sins is more than human, he is God’s Son from eternity so everything he accomplished for us extends into eternity. Since our great debt of sin has been cancelled forever, Jesus calls us to do the same for one another (Matthew 18:21-35).
“But Pastor, you don’t know the pain I’ve endured at the hands of family members. You don’t know how hard it is to forgive them!” You’re right. I don’t know the pain you’ve endured but I wonder if it compares to the pain Joseph experienced? His brothers hated him so much they almost killed him. Sure they spared his life and sold him into slavery instead, but I wonder if there weren’t days, like the time he was accused of sexual harassment and thrown into prison, when Joseph wished his brothers had done him in? If you’re bitter at family, know that Joseph had as much reason, if not more reason to be bitter against his family, but he wasn’t. Why not? Joseph wasn’t bitter because he saw the bigger picture. He saw what God had worked in spite of his brothers’ sins. Joseph explained to his brothers: “20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20).
God had given Joseph the faith to see how he had allowed everything in Joseph’s life to happen so that he would be put in a position of authority to help his family and others through famine. No, Joseph was not excusing his brothers’ sin but he had come to see how God used those sins, and all the difficulties he had suffered as a result of them, for his benefit.
In the same way, God has promised to work everything in our lives, including painful experiences caused by the sins of family members, to work for our good (Romans 8:28). Therefore we will end family feuds and keep from holding grudges when we foresee what God has planned for us in spite of our painful experiences. Although on this side of heaven we may never learn exactly how all the painful things we experience add up to our good, that’s God’s promise. When you doubt that promise think of this illustration. A boy came home from school disgusted with how things were going. He complained to his grandmother about his friends, his teachers, his coaches, and even about his bicycle. When he finished, Grandma asked her grandson if some cake would cheer him up. “Of course it would!” the boy agreed. So Grandma put a raw egg, some flour, and baking soda in front of the boy and told him to eat up. What? Why would he want to eat any of those things? They were yucky. Indeed, they were yucky by themselves but when mixed together they helped make a delicious cake. When we look at the bad things that have happened to us outside the context of God’s promises, we can only see them as yucky. Through faith, however, we will see them for what they are: the ingredients to a beautiful life God is cooking up for us (adapted from illustration by Edward Einem).
“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel” (Proverbs 18:19 NIV UK Version). No, family feuds aren’t fun. So why not end them? Forgive what has been done, and foresee the good God has planned in spite of the heartache you’ve experienced. End the feuds today, for God also said through Solomon: “[There is] joy for those who promote peace” (Proverbs 12:20b). Amen.
