Extreme Home Makeovers
Laying a Foundation for a Strong Marriage
Psalm 127:1
Woodlawn Baptist Church
September 11, 2005
Introduction
(The idea for this sermon title and series came from Outreach Magazine)
During the spring of 2004, I had the privilege of helping, or mostly watching as Kenny Lamar and a friend of his built the foundation for our pavilion across the street. I want you to remember that I told you last week that remodeling is seldom as easy as it is made to look, and what I want to talk to you about today is no different. I watched the entire process of pouring a foundation from start to finish, and while I think I could get a simple one laid, it would never go as smoothly as Kenny made it to look.
Building a strong and healthy marriage is no different. The principles and ideas I am going to share with you are easy to talk about. As you hear them some of you will understand that you have some commitments to make or some work to do. Some of you will go beyond understanding and make those commitments. You may even take action. But I want you to know that beyond the words and prayers must come much effort. Like a good foundation, no good marriage happens by accident. Every part of the process is important, and every part of the process requires attention and labor.
In Psalm 127:1, our foundation verse for this series of messages, the psalmist said, “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.” I’d like to pause here and lead us in a word of prayer. Let’s ask God for wisdom, for Him to search our hearts, and let’s surrender our marriages over to Him.
Now, every foundation worth building on is built by following certain steps. I’d like to share some of those steps with you and apply them to marriage.
Clear the Land
Before any work can be done on the foundation, there is a certain amount of work that has to be done in preparing the land. In fact, most often you’ve got to remove whatever junk is there. I’ve been watching a group of men pour a slab over on Waterloo, and the owner decided to have his slab poured right in the middle of an overgrown lot. The crew cut down trees, brought in a limb shredder to mulch up the majority of it, then a stump grinder to take care of the stumps. They cut away the scrub brush, hauled off rocks and finally brought in a box blade to level the ground.
Our slab didn’t require so much work. The ground was relatively clear, but it was still very un-level and full of big rocks. The point is that you can’t just go in and dump some cement on the ground you’ve got. You’ve got to remove the junk.
Marriage is no different. In fact, there’s no aspect of following Christ that’s any different. What was Paul’s constant admonishment to us? In Ephesians he told us to “Put off the old man.” He said it in a variety of ways, but the point was always the same – you cannot build the kind of life you want on the overgrown, rough and ragged ground of your life.
When two people come together in marriage, they come together with their past sins, their family dysfunctions, with hurts and hopes and Cinderella dreams of what marriage is supposed to be like. Many come together having already been sexually active, which leads to a variety of issues. Many come together having been emotionally or physically abused. Many have had only a mom or a dad. We all have wrong ideas about what marriage is or should be, and the only thing to do with all this baggage is to deal with it.
Like our property, some of you come with less junk, but others, like the land on Waterloo, require some major addressing. In either case, a strong and healthy marriage will only come when these issues are properly addressed. If it is sin, repent of it. If it is wrong thinking, replace it. If it is unfair expectations, adjust them. Perhaps there is guilt and shame that has never been dealt with. It is time. Maybe you’re repeating the sins of your parents – you’ve got to address those things – clear the way for a stronger and healthier marriage.
I say all that like its easy. In some cases perhaps it is, but for most of us clearing away the sins or hurts from our past is a long and difficult process. It may take time to even identify what the real problems are. Regardless, I want you to know that in Christ you can experience victory in these areas of your life. When He began His earthly ministry He stood in the synagogue and said,
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.”
Listen to me: in Christ you can be free from the sins and hurts and wounds of your past that are keeping you from growing the marriage you want to have. Jesus can and will set you free from those things if you will allow Him to.
Set the Batter Boards
If there was any part of the job that I had never seen before it was this one. In fact, I initially believed it to be optional. I understand now that though they seemed so unimportant, batter boards make all the difference in having a right foundation. Once Kenny built the batter boards on each corner, string was pulled from one end to the other in all four directions. It was here that the dimensions were set, the slab was squared up and the elevation was determined. I was absolutely wrong about the importance of the batter boards.
I think the same is true in marriage. If I were to ask you if your marriage was strong or healthy, how would you answer me? Many would say you have good strong marriages. Others would admit that they don’t. Now, what standard would you use to make that assessment? If you are looking around at other marriages, or perhaps you are looking at how good or bad your parent’s marriage is, then you’re using the wrong standards. You can look all around you and learn what a marriage ought to be. Magazines are filled with all kinds of marital advice. You can learn from Dear Abby, Oprah and Everybody Loves Raymond. But if those are the places you are looking, if those are the standards you are using, then what you’re doing is using shifting standards. Cultures change. Neighbors move. Raymond will come and go.
There is only one standard that has stood the test of time: the Bible. The Bible alone can help you bring your marriage into alignment. Can men marry men? Can women marry women? What about living together? Is that marriage? Suppose two people are involved in a sexual relationship and they have a baby. Are they married in God’s eyes?
The Bible is like those batter boards. They may seem optional, and so long as people are willing to leave them off then our marriages are going to be just as messed up as a slab poured without them. It’s no wonder so many people are confused about strong and healthy marriages. We’ve replaced biblical teaching with personal opinion and have forgotten that God Himself is going to use the Bible as His standard of judgment.
He says throughout the Scriptures that in the judgment He is going to use a plumb line and a square to see if we are in line with His Word and His will, and I want to suggest to you that many are going to be in trouble. Every married individual in this room needs to remember to build his or her marriage square and level with God’s Word. Anything short will only lead to poor results.
Build the Forms
The forms are the 2x6s or bigger boards that are used to form the outer edge of your slab. I can imagine that in many cases, the forms are not built high enough off the ground, or they are not built stout enough to keep from pushing out or bowing when the concrete is poured. If you don’t know what building the forms too low to the ground will do, take a good walk around our church building. Whenever the forms were built for this slab, they weren’t built tall enough, so that now we are getting serious water damage to the bottoms of our walls. Our foundation is built too low. Also, if you look at the picture in your outline, you’ll see that the forms there are built with stakes driven in the ground every couple of feet and braces have been built to keep the forms from pushing out during the pouring of the slab.
Now, what I’m saying is that when the forms are set, they must be built by thinking ahead. Are they built strong enough to hold up to the pressure that will come from the slab itself, and are they built high enough to avoid problems that will come from without once the foundation is poured? Both aspects must be considered in order to avoid future problems that may arise.
I want you to think of the forms like convictions. You see, I’ve already told you that your marriage must be built according to God’s standards, but as you study and learn those standards, you will either view them as nice principles that are negotiable, or you will develop strong convictions based on those standards. What I want to suggest to you is that unless you build strong convictions, both the pressures that come from within your marriage and the problems that will come from without your marriage will prove too much for you.
Here is the problem. Because we lack biblical conviction about the marriage relationship, marriage itself is collapsing in our society. Christians today have accepted that marriage may not just be between a man and a woman. Perhaps marriage is not really all that necessary. My spouse isn’t making me happy, so the pressures of marriage begin to push out on those convictions of when divorce is acceptable. Because we set our standards too low our beliefs are overrun by the opinions and values of our day, and just like water comes over the slab and rots the walls built on top of it, those shifting values and opinions will come on your marriage and will begin to rot away at the things the two of you have built together.
How is it that a Christian couple can be married for twenty years and then crash and burn? How is it that after years of marriage there is still constant bickering and fighting over the same old things? How is it that in a Christian home you can have a woman who feels trapped and neglected and used while the husband enjoys coming and going as he pleases? How is it that in a home where two believers share a love for God and His Word that they are so strapped with debt they cannot obey the Word with a simple tithe? It happens because God and the Bible and even church are great for giving us “happy thoughts” and weekly inspiration, but real convictions have never been developed and God-honoring marriages suffer as the result.
Dig the Beams and Lay the Steel
If you were to walk over and look at the pavilion, you’d never know how much concrete is really there. If I remember right, by the square footage we were expecting to use about eleven yards of concrete, but because of the size of the beams we dug we ended up using about 20 yards. Throughout those beams and the rest of the slab are tied many feet of rebar. There is no doubt in my mind that we have a slab that will stand the test of time.
What about your marriage? Many of you have marriages that look good to others. People admire you, want to be like you, want what you have and see success from where they stand, but underneath what we see is there anything of any substance? You see, real strength is found in what you can’t see. In the case of a foundation, real strength lies in the reinforcement steel that runs through beams and cement. In the case of your marriage, real strength lies in Godly character and values that must run equally as deep.
The apostle Paul spoke of a man who loves his wife like Christ loves the church. Jesus loved the church enough to lay His life down for it. Men, do you? Do you love your wives enough to lay down your lives for them? Listen, it’s really not a question of whether you’d die for them. Will you live for them? Will you give up your wants and ambitions and needs in order to meet theirs? Do you treat your wives with love and tenderness? Are you sensitive to her needs for security and appreciation and attention? Has she captivated your heart more than your personal hobbies and interests?
The Bible teaches us to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We are to love them and treat them like Jesus would. Would you yell at your kids like you do if Jesus were standing in the room? Do you find yourself ignoring your kids? Putting them down more than building them up? Pushing them aside so you can do what you want to do? Are your kids a blessing to you or a nuisance? Are they a hassle or an honor? Are they a source of great joy or are you constantly finding fault with them?
What about integrity? Are you faithful to your spouse? You may never cheat on him or her, but are you faithful in your thought life? Do you entertain thoughts of leaving? Do you fantasize about having an affair? Do you secretly wish you were somewhere else, maybe with someone else? Are you honest? Honest with your spouse about your money? Honest with him or her about your feelings? Do you communicate with him or her? Are you talking about things that matter? Now you may disagree with me, but strong marriages have nothing to do with the size of your paycheck. They have nothing to do with how much money is in the bank, what kind of cars you have or what kind of home you live in. They have everything to do though with the things that may not be so obvious: those things that lie beneath the surface.
It takes time to build a strong and healthy marriage, and you’re right, perhaps no one will ever notice the work you have put into it, but when you stand together, you will silently know that you have built a relationship that will weather any storm and will stay together regardless of any pressure that comes from within. Love, character, integrity, honesty, purity, honor, and many more of those things are the reinforcement that are all tied together to hold your marriage in place, but without them will eventually fall to pieces and will shift and crumble.
Work the Concrete As It Comes
If there is a blessing in marriage or life that is absent in concrete work, it is that God gives you the opportunity to correct areas of your life that have not been given proper attention before. In concrete work, once the truck arrives and you start pouring, it’s too late. You’ve got to live with the work you’ve done. If your forms are wrong, you’ll have to live with them. In marriage, if your convictions are wrong, then you can develop them.
I believe that as husbands and wives, our lives together are much like the cement trucks that keep showing up on the job. The process of spiritual growth that God leads you through is the preparatory work, and now the concrete comes for you to spread and work. Isn’t that how life is? When you got married, you probably had all sorts of dreams about your lives together: where you would go, what you would accomplish and how things would turn out, but then life starts showing up one load at a time, and all you can do is jump in with both feet and start working it out as it comes.
Fortunately there are occasional lulls between trucks so you have time to rest, but then you’re back at it, working together to deal with what life brings, and you make the best of it as you keep Christ in the center of all you do. Marriage is wonderful, but with it comes the daily grind of work, raising kids, getting sick, getting on one another’s nerves, family strains, in-laws, bills, trips to the doctor, cars and appliances breaking down, home-ownership, and much much more.
If God is gracious in anything, it is that He allows you to evaluate and correct your mistakes. Of course you don’t get to back up, but at least God allows you to see where you’ve been and make corrections for the future. Perhaps your values are not biblical. You’re not stuck with them; you can repent and change. Maybe you missed some of the junk that was on the property before the marriage. God will bring it back up so you can clear it off. The point is that as God brings it up in your life you work it out together. You fill in the low spots, knock down the high spots, and you just keep working at it as it comes to you. God will never put more on you than you can handle – so just keep on plugging at it together and work on your marriage as God reveals to you where you have fallen short.
Apply the Finishing Touches
I suppose there are countless ways to finish a foundation. For a home you usually see someone working the big trowels, bringing the concrete to a nice, smooth finish. For other types of slabs, you might get a brush finish, or some kind of wash. Some people are staining the concrete; others like to saw lines in it to look like tiles. My point is that in concrete work, the final look on the surface of the foundation may differ, but the real strength and health of the foundation is not about the looks – it is the culmination of everything that took place getting you to the finish.
Throughout this room there are a variety of marriages. Some are new, others are not. Some have all the outward signs of success, others do not. Some of you are very affectionate, others are not so affectionate. I want to suggest to you that while the finish is what everyone gets to see, it is not our job to worry about the finish. We spend far too much time, energy and resources trying to create an instant finish or to bring about some sort of pseudo-look of success and happiness. My generation has bought into the lie that we can have it all now; that all that our parents and grandparents spent lifetimes building can be had immediately today. Every generation has bought into the lie that we can shortcut some of the steps to a strong marriage and still end up with quality work.
Listen to me: there are no shortcuts to a strong and healthy marriage, and it is God’s business to determine what finish He will apply to our marriages. We need to quit worrying about what we look like on the surface and realize that there is still much work that must be done in our lives together.
Some of you have some junk that needs cleared away today. Others of you have never seen the importance of aligning your beliefs and values with God’s Word. Perhaps you’re lacking in some of the essentials that tie a strong marriage together: you lack biblical conviction. Will you address those needs today, or will you insist that a strong marriage can be built on what you’re giving God to work with?
Today is a day for honesty and openness. Before we close with an invitation, perhaps you need to take your spouse by the hand and come to the altar together. Would you come together, praying that God would reveal to you the flaws in your marriage that are weakening it? Would you come together with a renewed commitment to building a strong and healthy marriage? Would you come together as you lay your marriage at the altar of Christ so that He can build your home? What did the psalmist say? “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.”
