Extreme Home Makeovers
Remodeling: Dealing with Imperfect Families
Psalm 127:1
Woodlawn Baptist Church
September 4, 2005
Introduction
(The idea for this sermon title and series came from Outreach Magazine)
Do you enjoy home makeover programs on television? What about remodeling your own home? Of the many reality shows on TV today, I think perhaps that the home makeover shows are among the most popular. For a long time Trading Spaces was our family’s favorite. Two families would be hosted on the show, and supposing that it were Ron and me wanting our kitchens remodeled, I would get $1,000 and an interior decorator to remodel Ron’s kitchen for him, and he would get $1,000 and an interior decorator to remodel mine, then we’d get to go home to each other’s work.
Whether or not you enjoy watching or doing remodeling, it is always a necessary part of living in a home. Whether you rent or own, homes deteriorate, get damaged, go out of style or simply need freshening up from time to time. Sometimes you remodel because you have to, and other times because you just get tired of what you have.
Today I want to talk to you about remodeling as it concerns your families. Whether your family is young or old, regardless of how long you’ve been married or how many children and grandchildren you have, all of our families need occasional remodeling. Some of you are in need of some minor repairs, but others of you are in need of major renovation. Why? Because all of us live among imperfect families.
The term dysfunctional is used quite often today in regard to families. Dysfunction refers to the sense of disintegration produced in a family where there is a lot of hurt. From a Christian perspective it is a home that is not functioning as God intended. It could be the result of divorce, lack of communication, rivalry among the children, self-consumed parents, addictions, child abuse, sexual abuse, spousal abuse, affairs, and the list goes on and on. What I want you to realize today is that while we may pick and choose which families are labeled as dysfunctional, in God’s eyes all our families are dysfunctional because none of our families are functioning exactly as God intended. In other words, none of us live in perfect families.
One of the strange dynamics in family life is that when children grow up they often repeat the mistakes of their families. You see, dysfunction has the amazing ability to breed only more dysfunction if we allow it, and that is why I want to talk to you about remodeling today. Read with me the words of Psalm 127.
“Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep. Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.”
It is no accident that David was inspired to write these words about our great God. “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.” In other words, if God is not the one building your home: working in your family, then you’re wasting your time. God must be in absolute control – He is the general contractor. Is it not just a little ironic that Jesus worked in His chosen profession as a carpenter?
Now, I believe that your desire is for God to be in control of your family’s life. I really believe that you want the very best for your families. You want God’s blessings; His security; as much comfort as possible, and you want to go to bed at night believing that what you have done or the family you are building for tomorrow is considered significant.
I also believe that you are not content with dysfunction. As a child of God whose ultimate desire is to please God, you ought to want your family to be everything God wants it to be, but it will only come through that process of remodeling. You see, it is really not an issue of whether you enjoy it or not. It is simply a necessary part of living as part of a family, either because your family has deteriorated, been damaged, grown stale or just needs a boost as a witness for Christ. Having done some remodeling work through the years, I have learned some lessons I believe to be relevant to the remodeling that needs to be done in your family.
Remodeling Begins with a Dream
No matter what kind of project you want to undertake, they all begin in this same place: with a dream. Before I remodeled the living room and kitchen in the parsonage, Kathy and I dreamed of what it ought to look like. Your dream might be new windows, an enclosed garage or a new tub, but it is a dream nonetheless.
Your family is no different. You live in a dysfunctional family. There is no arguing that point. The question then is whether you are content with what your family is. Are you content with your lack of communication? Are you content with fussing and fighting? Are you content with rebellious children? Are you content with being a workaholic? Are you content to be married to a nagging wife? Are you happy knowing you are passive and dismissive? Do you want to continue being disconnected from your family? Are you content letting your family grow closer to God without you?
It is my hope and prayer that you will be very much discontent with these things and that you will or that you have been dreaming of what your family really ought to be like. As a child of God your desire ought to be God’s desire. If you can consider all those questions and know that your family is not what God wants it to be, then you cannot rightly be content with its condition.
The problem however is that most people never take time to consider the questions. One of the reasons we have worked so much on the building in the last few years is this habit of mine that not all of you like. I do it at home also. About twice a month I make a physical inspection of our building and property. I write down everything I see that is wrong. If it sounds funny I write it down. If it is out of place I write it down. If it leaks, blinks, runs, or rots I do my best to notice it. I have a long list of things at the parsonage, and the church list is getting shorter all the time.
However, to my shame, like most people I seldom am willing to do the same with my family. Admittedly it is easier to notice physical things on a building, but ease has nothing to do with it. If I want my family to be everything God wants it to be, then I must be willing to do the following things:
1. I must take time to examine what I know and can see
2. I must be willing to ask those who are closest to me what they see
3. I must be willing to ask God what He thinks
4. I must be willing to compare my family with the teachings of Scripture
Once I begin to make a practice of doing these things, the Spirit of God is going to develop in me and in you a holy dissatisfaction for what we learn and He is going to lead us to dream of what our families could be and what they ought to be in the eyes of God.
Remodeling Is Seldom As Easy As It Looks
The most famous name in home repair today is probably Norm Abram. I have watched numerous times as he walks up to a job, looks it over and then knocks it out in a matter of 50 minutes. My boss was teaching me to carry my rows of shingles up one side of a dormer on a roof one day. He roofed up to the dormer, then went up one side, back down the other and matched up the rows like it was nothing. When I tried it myself last year I had to tear the shingles off and start over.
God begins to convict you that you need to get out of debt so you pick up the latest “Get Out of Debt in 30 Days” book and every chapter is filled with success stories. You begin to put those principles into practice, but then your car breaks down, or your health insurance is cancelled, or you get an increase on your property taxes. You know what I mean?
Your kids are out of control. They talk back, or they are rebellious, so you try those principles you picked up from that seminar. Your marriage is less than desirable, so you work on those “Steps to a Happy Marriage” that the preacher gave you last week. The only problem is that they kids keep on being rebellious and your husband still won’t open your car door.
Do you know why? Because what God is after in your life and in the life of your family is not new sheetrock or a new bank balance, but spiritual transformation, and most spiritual transformation comes through hardship and trial. Do you know how a seed grows into a mighty oak? It has to die. That little seed dies, gets shoved into a dark cold hole and is left there. But when it receives the nutrition it needs it will grow and blossom into the beautiful trees God intended them to be.
Jesus didn’t say, “If any man will be my disciple, I will pave a nice smooth road for him.” There is no easy way or quick way to spiritual growth. Being a Christian or a follower of Christ does not grant you immunity from the troubles and worries of life. Jesus said that we had to take up our crosses and follow Him. Real growth, real spiritual transformation is a lifetime process of dying, learning, growing…dying, learning, growing…And while there is nothing wrong with aiming for the best, you’ve got to understand that they make it look easy because they’ve had years to get where you want to go. Jesus makes it look easy, but He was always in right relation to God and always forced His body into subjection to the will of God. I suspect that we still wrestle with those things too much. Your parents make it look easy because they’ve been through hell to get where they are, and you want it now.
Even the Pros Ask for Help
If there’s anything I have learned to appreciate about the pros of remodeling, it is that they ask for help. Even a pro like Norm Abram still travels the country, seeking out the best in their respective trades and learns from them. The only people who won’t ask for help are know-it-alls. Do you know what a know-it-all is? A fool.
I want you to read with me Matthew 4:1-2.
“Then was Jesus led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred.”
Jesus began and ended His ministry with prayer. Jesus, the perfect Son of God, the sinless Son of man, our perfect example of what we ought to be, and here we find Him in the most humble of positions – that of prayer. I have told you before that prayer is your admission that you are absolutely dependent on God. In other words, you are asking for help. Jesus taught us that there is nothing wrong with asking for God’s help. In fact, we’re fools not to ask.
Your family is never going to be what it can be if you’re unwilling to get the help you need. James said, “If any man lack wisdom, let him ask…” Listen, ask for help. Ask God to help you. Ask Him to give you wisdom, to give you direction, to be the Lord of your life. Regardless of where you fall short, never be afraid to ask God for help. After all, he gives to all men liberally and will not make fun of you for asking for what you need. In fact, He gets delighted when you ask because it is in those moments that you express your absolute dependence on Him.
It is also likely that the spiritual transformation that you long to see in your family has taken place in the life of a brother or sister you know in the church. Yoke up with that family and learn from them. What are they doing that will help? What have they been through that you can avoid? Even the pros ask for help.
The Longer You Put It Off the Worse It Gets
For the last four years I’ve been fighting the door on the storage building behind the parsonage. It won’t shut right. I kick it, slam it, leave it open, tie it shut, and have leaned heavy objects against it. This summer in the process of painting the building I decided to take the entire door and door jamb out and reinstall it. Now it opens like new. What I’ve been fighting for four years I repaired in an hour.
The Bible tells us about dysfunctional families like Joseph’s. Joseph’s family was textbook material for dysfunction. He had three stepmothers, ten step-brothers and a step sister all living in the home at the same time. Just try to imagine the turmoil in this family. His father was polygamist, a passive parent, who openly showed favoritism among his children. Jacob’s wives were jealous and insecure. For years all this family turmoil sat brewing, and because Jacob was not the kind of man to do what was necessary his sons plotted the murder of his youngest, sold him into slavery and brought shame and grief to their father.
We are told about David’s family situation. David too was a polygamist. Even having many wives and concubines he has an affair with a married woman, gets her pregnant, kills her husband and looses that son. David’s struggle with a lustful heart was never surrendered to God. He had a problem with this sin and never experienced the spiritual transformation that was needed to influence his family. Instead, he allowed his sin to influence them. David had a son named Amnon, who raped his half sister Tamar. Here is a second problem, but still David refuses to take action against the son. After a couple of years David’s son Absolom murders the rapist Amnon and flees the family. David still does nothing until years later. He asks Absolom to move back to Jerusalem, but he refuses to see him. Absolom begs to see his father, but David still does nothing. He continues to put the problem off. Absolom then assaults David’s kingdom, runs him out of the capital and has sex with his step-mothers on the roof of the palace where everyone could watch. Only killing Absolom ended the episode. You could argue that David’s refusal to deal with his family’s dysfunction eventually led to his son Solomon’s waywardness and his grandson Rehoboam’s stubbornness that cost Israel the kingdom.
I don’t know what problems or sins exist in your family. Perhaps you do have a communication problem, or your kids are walking a fine line between what is and is not acceptable. If you don’t deal with it now it will not get any easier. Today you won’t or can’t talk. Tomorrow you are divorced. Today you let your kids be a little too flirty, tomorrow they are hooked up with someone you can’t get rid of. Today you laugh when your little boy or girl says a curse word, tomorrow you grieve because they are cursing you. Today you are flirting with credit cards and easy consumerism, tomorrow you are drowning in debt.
Shortcuts and Cheap Investments Usually Cost More Than They’re Worth
I think we’ve all been here enough not to even need elaborating, but what about when we try to take shortcuts with our families? Do you know what those shortcuts are? Let me give you one. You’re working too much, or you’re so preoccupied with your interests and hobbies that you are missing out on your family life. Eventually you begin to feel guilty about it, or you are told about it, so you take your kids out for a “special day,” or you take your wife out on an emergency date. That’s supposed to fix it all, right? Wrong – it’s a shortcut.
Ephesians 5 & 6 are two of the great chapters on family life in the Bible. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…” “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.” “Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
What do all these verses suggest? They suggest that a family that looks like God wants it to look is going to require an investment of your time, your energy, your focus, your attention and your resources. You don’t grow healthy, God-honoring families by accident, and you don’t grow them by throwing out your leftovers. You see, shortcuts and cheap investments are going to cost you more in the long run.
The Best Remodeling Is Done When the Work Will Be Inspected
Whether the remodeling work you do is going to be examined by a family member or by an employer, we naturally and usually do better work when it is going to be checked out by someone else. “Oh, no one will ever see that.” “You won’t see that from the road.” These are the kind of statements made by someone whose work is not subject to inspection, and it the attitude we take too often with our families.
You look great at church in your nice Sunday clothes and with your good attitude, but after you get in the car on the way home the fight begins, or the real you comes out. I don’t want to try to set up any scenarios here, but I do want to remind you that there is coming a final inspection of your family, and while you may hide what your family really is from everyone around you, you’re not fooling the Lord.
There is coming a day when we will all give an account. Hebrews 9:27 says that “it is appointed unto man once to die, and after this the judgment.” In 1 Corinthians 3 we are told about a coming judgment that we call the Judgment Seat of Christ. Paul, speaking to the church at Corinth said that they were God’s spiritual building, and it was important how they built that building. I want to suggest to you that the family you are building today is no different. Paul’s words can just as easily apply to your home.
“Let every man take heed how he builds…Now if any man build upon this foundation of Jesus Christ gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble; every man’s work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work of what sort it is.”
Men, you will give an account one day for the way you’ve led your families. Ladies, you too will give an account for the way you led your families under the leadership of your husbands. Those of you who are going it alone will give an answer for your leadership. Kids will give an account of the way they received or rejected the authority of their parents. When Christ returns, each of us will submit our families for final inspection, and in that day, will the Lord be pleased with the work you have done?
Conclusion
I don’t know whether your family is in need of major renovations or just some minor maintenance, but I do know that there is not a family among us that does not need to be offered up to God once again as a family dedicated to honoring Him. Have you ever done that? Its not too late you know. Your family may be a couple of old fuddies living out your retirement, but it’s a family that is here to reflect the love and grace of God. Your family may just be getting started good, and now is the best time to commit yourselves to living for the glory of God.
