I was reading about a marriage counselor who was talking to a wife who was struggling with her husband. The counselor said, “Maybe your problem is that you’ve been waking up grumpy in the morning.” “No,” she said. “I always let him sleep.”
Problems wouldn’t come into married life if we would all just stay asleep! But we don’t. We wake up. And that’s when our fallen nature starts to go to work. Conflicts come. They’re guaranteed no matter how committed a husband and a wife might be. It’s how we handle these differences that is crucial.
Many things can cause divorce, but hopelessness is often the factor that pushes people over the edge. Maybe you have endured years of frustration and disappointment, hoping that things might somehow improve. And something has recently happened and you are just about to give up hope. “Why should I go on being miserable when there is no hope of things ever getting better?”
You may be here this morning feeling like your marriage has died and there is no point in going on. But remember: We serve a God who resurrected His dead Son from the grave, and who promises to make that same resurrection power available to those who trust Him.
I pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of his power for us who believe Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead.
Ephesians 1:19-20 (NLT)
Next week begins a new series at CVCC called “Character Tour.” In this series, we will be examining Old Testament figures and their character qualities.” When an artist draws a caricature, certain outstanding features of his subject are highlighted or exaggerated. In the same way, certain character qualities stand out in notable characters throughout the Bible. In this series, we’ll be taking a biblical tour of some of these great characters with great character.
July 3-4 – Esther: Making a difference
July 10-11 – Daniel: Finding peace in pain
July 17-18 – David: Dealing with discouragement
Today, we are wrapping up the series “4 Keeps: Marriage God’s way.”
First week: The way wives win.
Second week: Homework for husbands
Last week: Conflict revolution
Get the tapes! Listen to the messages over and over. Better yet, memorize the scriptures and ask God for the grace to live this out.
Today: Reconcilable differences
Most of us would not consider ourselves to be gullible, yet the Bible often reminds us, “Do not be deceived” (Galatians 6:7). But we are easily deceived. We latch onto a piece of “worldly wisdom” that sounds good and justifies our actions even if it’s not based on God’s word.
Maybe you’ve noticed over the years that people who want to justify a divorce often use a very predictable set of reasons. I call them myths about divorce. Here are three:
Three myths about divorce…
Myth #1: It’s better for our children to go through the pain of our divorce than to live with parents who fight all the time.
Judith Wallerstein wrote a book called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. She followed children of divorce over a quarter century. She compared these young women and men with a similar group from intact families and made a startling finding: the effects of divorce are cumulative and crescendo in adulthood. In fact, the greatest impact of divorce does not occur until people are in their twenties and thirties.
Children of divorce become more aggressive than those in unbroken families. They suffer more depression, have more learning difficulties, are more promiscuous, bear more children born out of wedlock, are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce.
Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it.
Proverbs 22:6 (NLT)
If a person still decides to go through with a divorce after considering the facts, they may have to come face-to-face with the very real possibility that it’s not the children they are looking out for, but themselves.
Myth #2: Surely a loving God would not want me to stay in such an unhappy marriage.
This myth is based on a presupposition that God’s purpose for my life is to make me happy. But God is more interested in my holiness than my happiness.
Imagine that you are back in time two thousand years to when followers of Christ were persecuted by the Romans. You are sent to counsel those who are about to be sent out to the lions. Would you really say to them, “Surely a loving God would not want you to suffer like this”?
See, God has something far more important in mind for us than our living pleasant, pain-free lives. His purpose is to make us like Jesus.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son.
Rom. 8:28-29 (NLT)
God’s word teaches us that our becoming like Jesus requires a pruning process and a purifying process to burn away the impurities in our lives. This is often done through suffering – even the suffering of being in a difficult marriage.
Myth #3: I know that divorce is wrong, but God will forgive me and minimize the consequences.
Yes. God forgives. Divorce is not the unpardonable sin. But there are always consequences to sin. And a true believer never presumes on God’s grace.
Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?
Romans 6:1-2 (NIV)
Think about King David, who willfully sinned against God by committing adultery. God forgave David, but He left consequences that would grieve David for the rest of his life. God said, “The sword will never depart from your house” (2 Sam. 12:10, NIV). David’s baby died, and his sons fought against each other and killed each other. David had to bear that on his conscience to his dying day.
Imagine that you need some cash. So you decide to grab some money out of the church offering. You take the money, then walk out of the church and get into your car. It’s clear that you’ve gotten away with it. Then you put the money down and say, “God, I’m so sorry. It was wrong to rob that bank. Please forgive me. Thank You, Lord.” Now, do you think you could just take the money and drive away? No! What’s the evidence of genuine repentance? You take the money back to the church.
So, if you are in a difficult marriage you don’t just go for a divorce and look ahead to cheap forgiveness. No. You turn around and do everything possible to seek reconciliation and a restoration of the marriage.
Now, this passage gives us some practical biblical principles to respond to differences in a way that builds bridges not barriers, that leads to delight not divorce. I love the way this starts…
Whoever desires to love life and see good days…
I Peter 3:10a (ESV)
Loving life and seeing good days do not mean that we will never again see trouble or heartache. Bad times and good times are a part of every life. But in the midst of the trouble, there can be a love of life. And in the tough times, we can still see good. That’s true generally. And that’s true specifically in your marriage.
Whoever you are – and whatever your state of marriage is – you can increase your love of life and the probability of your seeing good days if you live a certain way.
If you want a happy life and good days (NLT)
Since I read this many years ago, I’ve always been interested in finding out what it’s going to take for me to increase my love of life and the likelihood of seeing good days. This is so important that it’s in the Bible twice. Once in Psalm 34:12-16. And Peter felt that it was so crucial that he quotes it here in his book. Let’s dig in and see what the implications are for us in marriage.
Lord, I want to love married life and see good days, so please…
1. … guard my lips.
Trash talking is out. v. 10c
Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil…
Stop saying cruel things… (CEV)
Sometimes, things just slip out that might not seem evil or cruel, but over time, they start to hurt:
All right then, you can do it from now on.
Would you just get to the point?
OK, I’m sorry; now can we just forget it?
You should call a plumber. He’ll know what to do.
You forgot to bring it home again?
You don’t listen; you don’t care. It’s like you’re not even here!
Remember: once you say it, it’s out there and you can’t get it back. Toothpaste illustration…
Just how important is this?
If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are just fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.
James 1:26 (NLT)
People who use anger and sarcasm are not very much in love with their own lives. They’re often angry, bitter, negative people. They dislike their lives so much that they want to make everyone else’s life miserable, too. Trash talking is out.
Truth telling is in. v. 10d
…let him keep… his lips from speaking deceit…
How many times have you been into a fight and you go to bed? You get up. But you never really revisit it. You don’t resolve it. “It’s OK. I’m OK.” And deep down inside, you’re really not OK. It’s deceitful to live day after day, month after month, with unresolved issues.
Quit trying to fool people, and start being sincere.
I Peter 2:1b (CEV)
Trash talking is out and truth telling is in.
Lord, I want to love married life and see good days, so please guard my lips.
2. … guide my steps. v. 11a
… let him turn away from evil and do good…
This is a description of a U-turn. This is a description of an about face.
Give up your evil ways and do right (CEV)
Turn away from what is sinful. Do what is good. (NLV)
There’s an old fashioned word for this: repentance! One way for hope to return to a marriage is through repentance. True repentance makes differences reconcilable.
Your spouse has decided to leave you. He or she tells you that they are leaving and you’re crushed. You try to get him or her to change their mind and you say, “I know I haven’t been a very good spouse. I’m really going to work hard to change. Please stay!” He or she says, “I’ve heard your promises before. You’ve said this again and again, but you never change. I’m not going to stay in a hopeless marriage the rest of my life.”
That empty promise shows that you don’t really have a clue about truly turning away from evil and doing good. Empty promises will not turn things around. The best way you can get another chance is to clearly demonstrate that you have truly come to grips with your sins and that you are sincere about making concrete changes to be the kind of husband or wife God wants you to be.
And this kind of change will not be simple or painless. You pray. You apply God’s word. You beg God’s Spirit to work in your life. You’re constantly saying, “Search me, Father. Cleanse me, Jesus. Fill me, Spirit.” You get in touch with how your own selfish desires have ruled your heart and destroyed your marriage. You are truly broken before God. You clearly identify your habits – the self-centeredness and the pride – that contributed to the disintegration of your marriage. And you do this without trying to diminish your guilt by focusing on all of the ways your wife or your husband contributed to your problems.
You come to grips with your own sin. You plan how to confess your sins to your spouse in a thorough and specific way. You understand that the purpose of your confession is not to manipulate or force him or her to come back. You need to confess because you are guilty and God commands it, regardless of how your spouse responds.
If your heart has truly been broken before God, you will give a very different confession to your spouse than you did before. Instead of the bland “I haven’t been a very good husband or wife,” you will say, “I’ve sinned against God and you. I haven’t lived up to the standard He gives me. A husband would say, “God says I’m supposed to love you as Christ loved the church. I haven’t even come close to that.” A wife would say, “God says that I’m to respond to you the way the church responds to Christ and that I’m supposed to live with you in a gentle and humble way. I haven’t even come close to that.”
The confession goes on, “I’ve loved myself and my own desires far more than I’ve loved you or God. I’ve made my job or my house or my hobbies into an idol, and I gave myself to it. I’ve neglected you, and I’ve broken my word again and again. I have not kept my vows to you. I can understand why you are so hurt and disappointed and why you feel like you can never be happy with me. I have wronged you in so many ways...”
If husbands and wives would make confessions like that, the color would come back into your spouse’s face. The cold hopeless look would be replaced by a softness. The Holy Spirit puts hope back into your spouse’s heart. He or she will begin to realize that something really is different and to believe that things might truly change. And your spouse may be humbled himself or herself and feel led to give their own heartfelt confession. And the seeds of reconciliation may begin to grow.
Bear fruits in keeping with repentance.
Luke 3:8 (ESV)
Prove by the way you live that you have really turned from your sins and turned to God.
Luke 3:8 (NLT)
Do something to let me see that you have turned from your sins.
Luke 3:8 (NLV)
You say, “I don’t know what to do to turn from evil and do good. I don’t know how to be the kind of spouse God wants me to be.”
Three resources:
Strengthening Your Marriage, by Wayne Mack
Setting Captives Free – settingcaptivesfree.com
Restore Ministries – www.restorem.org
Lord, I want to love married life and see good days, so please guard my lips and guide my steps
3. … stop my fights. v. 11b
After you’ve been married for just a short time, you know what buttons to push to get your spouse angry.
… let him seek peace and pursue it.
Look for peace and go after it. (NLV)
Work hard at living in peace with others (NLT)
Run after peace for all you’re worth. (Msg)
There are three ways we can approach peace.
Am I a peace-faker?
This is the flight response or the escape response. Some of us are really good at denial. We just pretend that no problem exists. “I’m fine. No problem. Whatever you say.” But we know that this brings only temporary relief and usually makes matters worse. Others of us just like to run away. We go into a cave and put up a “do not disturb” sign. Or we end a friendship, quit a job, file for divorce, or leave a church. Then we act like things are OK – couldn’t be better. Am I a peace-faker?
Am I a peace-breaker?
Some of us act like we are more interested in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship. We try to win by using different forms of intimidation – verbal attacks, gossip, slander. “You are wrong. I am right. It’s all your fault.” This increases conflict. Others of us take people to court even though God says don’t do it. He knows that lawsuits usually damage relationships, hurt our witness, and fail to find true justice. Am I a peace-breaker?
Am I a peace-maker?
Lots of issues are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly and deliberately overlooking a hurt.
A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 19:11
Overlooking an offense is making a deliberate decision not to talk about it, not to dwell on it, or not to let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.
If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged the relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness.
[If] your brother has something against you ... go and be reconciled.
Matthew 5:23-24
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently" Galatians 6:1
Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13
Am I a peace-maker?
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Matthew 5:9 (NIV)
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
Hebrews 12:14 (ESV)
Lord, I want to love married life and see good days, so please guard my lips, guide my steps, and stop my fights.
* * *
Our marriage started out great. It seemed like God was on our side. But now, no matter what we do, nothing seems to work. I pray and I pray and I pray and nothing seems to ever get better. I wonder. Has God turned His back on us?
Let me state this as simply and as straightforwardly as I know how: God may not be answering your prayers for your marriage and your spouse because you are not guarding your lips and guiding your steps and stopping your fights. You are not taking personal responsibility for obeying God. You are expecting your spouse to change while you cop an attitude. Listen to these words:
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.
I Peter 3:12 (ESV)
When God’s eyes are on you, it means that God will take special notice of you. He will constantly guard you and guide you in an extraordinary way. He will show an unusual affection toward you if you will guard your lips and guide your steps and stop your fights.
When God’s ears are open to your prayers, it means that if you are hurt in any way, then you will have the privilege of taking it to your heavenly Father. And His ears will be especially open to you in your trouble.
When the face of the Lord is against you, it means that God will see to it that things don’t go well. That you will not love your married life and see good days. Why? You’re doing evil in your relationship with your spouse. Evil? Yes! You promised to love, comfort, honor and keep. You promised to have and to hold from your wedding day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. You broke your promise. That’s evil. And God’s face is against you.
Now God is waiting for you to humble yourself – to be obedient – to do what He says.
A point to ponder: A passionate return to peace produces a passionate release of power.
A verse to remember: Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible. Matthew 19:26 (NLT)
Questions to consider: 1) What will I do to stop my trash-talking and start my truth-telling? 2) How will I show my spouse that I am turning away from evil and seeking to do good in our marriage? 3) What will I do to seek and pursue peace with my spouse?
