A Fork in the Hand…
When I was in junior high school, I witnessed a fight that I will never forget. Two girls were arguing in the cafeteria and a crowd gathered to watch. One girl sat calmly, another towered over her with both hands on the table. As the one girl ranted, the other one seated at the table quickly grabbed a fork and slammed it into her hand. I will never forget the sight of that fourteen year old girl running around the cafeteria with the fork sticking out of her hand, screaming like a wild animal. As an eighth grade boy, I found this very entertaining. As an adult and a parent, the memory disturbs me and makes me sad.
Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!
From the hurried halls of our junior high schools to the hallowed halls of the United Nations, from the floor of Senate to the floor of the preschool, from the boardroom to the bedroom, from the highway to the subway, conflict is a part of our human existence. Nations fight over land and boys fight over girls. Husbands and wives fight over money and brothers and sisters fight over toys. Cain killed Abel. Oswald killed Kennedy. Churches fight over the color of the carpet, the nature of their worship, and whether to have real coffee or decaf. Television shows like COPS and the Jerry Springer Show celebrate our propensity to pummel each other. When two professional basketball teams became involved in a melee this past fall that resulted in the injury of fans, a team owner actually said he thought the fight was “great” and would raise ratings. As Rodney King cried out nearly twenty years ago, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
The answer to that haunting question is found in the book of James:
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. (James 4:1-3)
Conflict happens when we allow our sin nature to rule. When we let selfishness, personal preferences and our own opinions take priority, chaos and conflict are inevitable. We want to do things our way and our motives are often suspiciously self-centered. We are quick to point out other’s faults and ignore the “log in our own eye.” We quarrel and fight and often we enjoy it!
Chuck Swindoll pointedly states, “If a disagreement should be resolved and could be resolved, but is not, then our stubbornness and selfishness are at the core of the failure.”
Maybe you feel like someone has stuck a fork in you lately and you really do not know how to handle it. This morning we will learn together from God’s Word how to handle conflict in a Biblical way.
Three Ways to Handle Conflict
Ken Sande, who wrote the book “Peacemakers,” proposes three different ways that we handle conflict. You may remember this from the Peacemakers Seminar we hosted last year. Much of the material I will be presenting today comes from his book.
First, we can be “peace-fakers.” We can deny that there is conflict or actually run away to avoid dealing with the problem. Second, we can be “peace-breakers.” These are people who are more interested in winning the argument than saving a friendship. They can be rude, physically abusive, and even violent. These people seem to thrive on conflict and will create problems, even in the midst of peace.
We often learn our conflict resolution skills from our parents. What happens when one parent is a peace-faker and another is a peace-breaker? That’s the house I grew up in. I was frightened of my mother’s temper and frustrated by my dad’s passiveness. I was afraid of conflict and felt paralyzed in the face of problems. May I ask a personal question? Are in of you in the same boat? Are you unsure of yourself when it comes to handling conflict?
There is another way, a middle ground in the continuum of conflict resolution. Jesus calls us to be “peace-makers,” proactively seeking peace in order to preserve unity:
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God…” (Matthew 5:9)
There are consequences for such actions. Listen to James, the brother of Jesus:
“Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” (James 3:18)
Peace is to personify God’s people. As disciples, we are to known as peace-makers. It is to permeate every interaction and ultimately leads to unity.
The United Way
Turn with me to our text for this morning Philippians 4:2-3. Before we dive into our discussion, let’s look at some Scriptures that give us a glimpse of God’s heart on the subject of unity. Paul wrote to the church of Corinth, which was racked by divisions and disagreement:
“I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.” (I Corinthians 1:10)
There are times when divisions over the fundamental truths of Scripture will occur. But even during these debates and discussions, the unity of the church should be our highest concern:
“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:3)
Paul gives us an example in Philippians of how to handle conflict in a Biblical, Christ-honoring manner.
Two Women at War
Throughout the letter to the church at Philippi, Paul stresses unity. No less than six times, he encourages the believers to abandon their selfishness and serve others. Remember Philippians 1:27?
“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.” (Phil 1:27)
And how about Philippians 2:2-5:
“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: (Phil 2:2-5)
Paul moves from the theoretical to the practical. He discusses doctrinal errors in chapter three and relational ruptures in chapter four.
Let’s read this Scripture together:
“I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. (Philippians 4:2-3)
Imagine sitting in the congregation listening to Paul’s letter being read. There are two women, sitting on opposite sides of the room, listening intently. Each of them is surrounded by their supporters. They both gave a hearty amen when Paul said that he was “confident that He who began a good work in you would carry it on to completion to the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil 1:6) Both women dabbed their eyes with tissues when the great Christ-hymn of chapter two was read (Phil 2:5-11) and they both nodded resolutely when Paul told them beware false teachers (see 3:18-21).
But Paul starts chapter four by calling each of these women out by name. Paul has left teaching and now he’s gone to meddling! I am sure each of them wanted to crawl under their seat. Paul does not mean to embarrass them, but does not hesitate to deal with this divisiveness head on.
I love the way that Eugene Peterson paraphrases these verses:
“I urge you Euodia and Syntyche to iron out their differences and make up. God doesn’t want his children holding grudges.” (Phil 4:2, The Message)
Let’s look closely at these verses and see what we can learn:
* These two names are feminine in the Greek so we can rightly assume they are women who were prominent in the church at Philippi. Perhaps they were with Lydia when Paul first shared the Gospel at the river prayer meeting. (see Acts 16)
* Because they were important, their fight was highly visible.
* We are not told what the conflict was about but it was obviously hindering the unity and effectiveness of the church.
* Paul “pleads” (beseeches, begs, implores) with both of them. Rather than take sides, Paul treats them both tenderly and equally.
* Paul does not pull a power play but appeals to their hearts.
Paul implores both of these women to “agree with each other in the Lord.” The word “agree” in the Greek has to do with harmony, like musical notes in a chord. In other words, Paul tells them to stop making noise and start making some music. He urges them to live in one accord with each other. Notice that they are to come to resolution “in the Lord.” Paul uses this pithy phrase nine times in four chapters. They do not have to agree on every detail but they do have to, for the sake of unity in the church, discard their disagreements. This takes spiritual maturity, humility, and a close walk with the Lord. Paul assumes both of these women have what it takes to solve this crisis.
Look at verse three with me. Paul encourages the believers at Philippi not just to ignore the problem or sweep it under the rug but to be proactively engaged in resolving the dilemma. The identity of the “loyal yokefellow” is a mystery. It could have been Epaphroditus, who Paul was sending back to them with this letter in hand. It could have actually been a proper name. Paul could be using a play on words – “act like your name -true companion.” We are not really sure who this individual was but we can assume, by Paul’s faith in him, his goal would be building bridges and seeking peace.
Also observe how Paul describes these two women in positive terms:
* They labored with Paul in the cause of the Gospel
* They worked with Clement and the rest of the believers in their church
* They struggled against opposition. The word picture is gladiators fighting side by side.
* Their names are written in the book of life. In Biblical times, each city had a roll that contained all the names of individuals who had the right of citizenship. The book of life (see Rev 3:5; 13:8; 17:8; 20:12; 21:27; 22:19) symbolizes God’s intimate knowledge of all who belong to Him. Paul points out that Euodia and Syntche are both believers and he strongly encourages them to act like it!
There will be PEACE in the Valley
If it is true that we are called to be peacemakers, not just peacekeepers, then how do we do it? If peace is something that does not come naturally, how do we learn it? I believe the answers are found in the pages of the love letter God wrote us. I would like to use the word PEACE as our guide. Write this down in the margins of your Bibles or in your notes.
Pursue peace at all costs.
Paul, writing to the church at Rome, who had plenty of their own problems, gives us a verse that will mess with our heads. Once you hear it you are responsible for it. Do you really want me to read it? Actually, let’s all read it together:
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)
Who is responsible for seeking peace? You and I are! It is on our shoulders to do whatever we can to bring peace. We are to make “every effort”:
“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” (Romans 14:19)
God is Jehovah Shalom, the God of peace (Romans 15:13; 16:20; cf. 1 Cor 14:33; 2 Thes 3:16) and he expects us to be about the business of peacemaking. Why is this so important? The unity of the church and the effectiveness of our witness is at stake. It is our commitment to Jesus, the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6; cf. Eph 2:14-17) that gives us the desire to live in peace. Paul wrote to the church in Colosse:
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.” (Col 3:15)
It does not matter if you have something against someone else or you find out that some one is mad at you, it is your responsibility to seek peace. Listen to Jesus:
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)
As I mentioned earlier, I really had no clue how to Biblically handle conflict until about four year ago. I mentioned to Pastor Brian that I thought someone might be mad at me. He encouraged me to call them and talk them about it. I said I would, hoping to put it off for a year or two. Then he said, “I want you to call them by 7:00 tonight. I will call at 7:15 to see how it went.” That wasn’t fair! I remember picking up the phone, with my hands trembling and voice shaking, and discovering that they were not mad at me at all. It was a complete misunderstanding. I learned a valuable lesson that day. It is always better to deal with conflict immediately than put it off indefinitely.
Action step: Are you in a conflict right now? Maybe it is someone in the church or a family member. It could be with a friend or a coworker. Here is the action step – deal it with today. Listen to the writer of the book of Hebrews:
“But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” (Hebrews 3:13)
Putting off resolving conflict actually leads to sin and a hard heart. Do not delay or doubt God’s ability to help you resolve the problem.
Express yourself Biblically
In seminary, I took a class in which Maxine and I had to “learn to fight fair.” We actually had mats we stood on during disagreements that reminded to tell each other what we were thinking and feeling at the time. [socks on floor] We felt stupid, but we really did learn how to disagree with being disagreeable. By the way, just in case you think your pastors are perfect, Maxine and I could have really used that mat this past week.
When we are in conflict, it is easy to lose control of our tongue. Cursing, insulting, or name calling is completely inappropriate for God’s people. We have several students who use the Ephesians 4:29 grid:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)
Avoid accusing comments, sweeping generalizations, and becoming historical. Use words that “build others up” by being gentle and kind. Listen to the words of Solomon the wise:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
Paul encouraged the believers at the church at Colosse to “let your conversation be always full of grace…and be seasoned with salt…” (Col 4:6)
This week, the Air Force Academy issued a report on religious discrimination. The findings should trouble us all. The investigators found evidence of evangelical Christians making derogatory and obscene comments to cadets of other religious and ethnic backgrounds. Somewhere along the line, these individuals lost sight of our ultimate goal.
As disciples of Jesus Christ, our words have the power to point people toward the love of God.
Action Step: Do your words wound or bring healing? Is your vocabulary vicious or do your adjective affirm? Try this tomorrow. Try to go one entire day without saying anything negative about anyone. Make a deal with someone that every time you slip you have to pay them a dollar. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you apply the “Ephesians 4:29 grid” to your mouth.
Ask yourself the question – “Is this worth it?”
In many situations, the best way to resolve conflict is to simply overlook an offense.
There are some of us that need to learn this skill. But how do you learn it? You learn the skill of overlooking by applying God’s Word to your situation.
* “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11)
* Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out (Proverbs 17:14)
* “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8)
* “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)
* “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Col 3:13-14)
This past week at the “War of the Worlds” opening, Tom Cruise was talking to reporters as he was strolling down the red carpet. A “journalist” asked Cruise a question and the microphone turned out to be a squirt gun. After being doused, Cruise lost his temper and berated the man and his fake crew. In reality, they were filming a television show in which practical jokes are played on celebrities. The four men were arrested but Tom dropped the charges several days later.
Honestly, when I was younger I was pretty sensitive. I seemed to be hurt by others often and held grudges. When I met Maxine she taught me “GOI theology.” No, this is not Greek. It stands for “Get Over It!” To this day, Maxine will lean over a simply say GOI and I smile and move on.
Action Step: For the most part, people do not get out of bed in the morning thinking, “I think I’ll go hurt someone’s feelings today.” Let me encourage you to give a little grace to that person that hurt you by what they said, what they did, what they didn’t do. In the name and power of Jesus Christ, who has forgiven you and me of so much, let it go. Forgive, GOI, and move on.
Confess Your Sins
In Matthew 7:5, Jesus gives us this warning:
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ’Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)
Jesus calls us to confess our part in the problem before calling others out for their faults. We have enough holy hypocrites; we are in desperate need of Christ-following confessors. As Pastor Brian says, “We don’t like people who sin differently than we do!”
First we confess our sins to our Savior. I encourage you to put this verse to memory:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (I John 1:9)
Once our hearts are right with God, we then confess to others.
Ken Sande lists the “Seven A’s of Confession”:
* Address everyone involved
* Avoid the words “if, but, or maybe”
* Admit specifically (both attitudes and actions)
* Acknowledge the hurt
* Accept the consequences
* Alter your behavior
* Ask for forgiveness and allow time
Let me make one comment about this last point. Maxine and I discourage our boys from saying, “I’m sorry.” What exactly does that mean? You are sorry you got caught? You are sorry that you’re in trouble? Instead, we instructed them to say, “I was wrong, will you forgive me?” That allows the other person to grant forgiveness and the relationship to be restored.
James tells us that confession is good for more than just the soul:
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16)
God is able to heal relationships through confession, humility, and prayer.
When Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride, returned to Georgia, she had to go before a judge. She tearfully apologized to the court and everyone who had helped look for her and confessed she was wrong. This happens every day, on a much smaller stage, as husband and wives, brother and sisters, coworkers, and church members confess their part in conflict and ask forgiveness.
Action Step: Take these seven steps and write out each one in regards to your conflict. Then take a deep breath and go to confess to who you need to. Make no excuses. It takes two to tango and you have had wrong attitudes and said and done things that have made the situation worse. Remember, whose responsibility is it to seek peace? Yours!
Engage a mediator
Finally, if none of these steps work, we are to engage a mediator to help us resolve the issues. That’s what the “loyal yokefellow” was to do in the church at Philippi and that is what God calls us to when we have conflict. Listen to some pretty intimidating words from Jesus:
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ’every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ (Matthew 18:15-17)
* First, you are to go to the person “just between the two of you.” This means you should not be talking to anyone else about the situation, not even a “prayer request.” If a student comes to me to talk to me about another student, my first response is, “Have you talked to them directly?” Most of the time, they need some gentle nudging to handle the situation “face to face.”
* Second, notice that the goal is reconciliation, not punishment. The prayer is that you would “win your brother over.”
* If that does not work, then engage a mediator. Find a wise person you can sit down with both parties and help you sort everything out.
Chuck Swindoll writes “if you chose mediation remember,
- the ultimate goal is restoration not discipline
- the right attitude is grace not force
- the common ground is Christ not logic, politics, tradition, or your will.”
Anyone who tells you being a Christian is easy probably has some beachfront property in Montana to sell you! Being a disciple is difficult but Christ calls us to be conformed to His image.
Action Step: Identify a Godly leader within this church and asked them to mediate for you. Stop talking about it to anyone except the individual and begin to pray that God would bring peace.
Thank you God for this Fight!
We know that in “all things God works together for the good of those who love Him,” (Romans 8:38) even in conflict. Ken Sande says we should be thankful for conflict because it allows the opportunity to:
* Glorify God by trusting, obeying, and imitating Him (I Cor 10:31)
* Serve other people by helping them to bear burdens or confronting them in love. Here is a great reminder, people are not our enemies. We have an enemy who would like to divide us in order to distract us. Paul reminds us of our true foe –
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Eph 6:12)
* Grow to be like Christ by confessing sin and turning from attitudes that promote conflict.
I received some great advice from a mentor that I try to remember whenever conflict rears its ugly head – “Be God’s man! No matter what others are doing or saying, you seek to honor Christ with every word and action.”
When’s the last time you praised God for your problems? Have you asked the question, “How can I please and honor God in this situation?”
Playing Church
Recently I heard of a pastor who was working in the basement and could hear his children and some of their friends playing in the back yard. Although he could not understand everything they were saying, he became worried when their voices got louder and louder. All he could hear was “red carpet…blue…red…blue.” That disagreement died down and then his heart warmed as several of the neighborhood kids began to sing “Open the Eyes of my Heart.” Abruptly, other voices began to warble, slightly out of tune, “Amazing Grace.” Each side grew louder and louder until the singing was interrupted by a shrill scream, “That’s my chair!” At this, the pastor jumped up and ran up the stairs and out into the backyard. He discovered the gaggle of children on top of one boy. After pulling each one off, he sat them down and asked them exactly what they were doing. His youngest daughter spoke up, “Daddy, please don’t make us stop playing our game, we’re having fun.” Bewildered, the dad asked what the name of their game. The little blonde-haired girl answered, “Don’t be mad daddy, we were just playing church!”
The story is told of a church in Kentucky that has roof that is half green and half red. It seems that the church members fought for years about what color the roof would be painted and finally each side got their way. In the end, the surrounding community wondered, “If they can not even get along with other, what good is the Gospel?”
How will this lost and dying world know that Jesus is real? Will they know by our Christian t-shirts, bumper stickers, best-selling books, concerts, and CDs? Will they know that the cross in the hope of the world by our boycotts, our political party affiliation, or our complaining on talk shows about being terribly persecuted?
No, no, a thousand time NO! Jesus said that the world will know we are Christians by our love expressing itself through unity:
"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. (John 17:20-23)
As your lost friends see you handling conflict differently, as the see you seeking to be a peacemaker instead of being a peace-faker or peace-breaker, as they see you obeying the Biblical instructions on conflict, they will somehow understand the love of Christ through us.
Did you notice the new members insert in your bulletin? Many of those individuals came to Christ because a Christian in their lives toook the time to love and care for them.
Steven Curtis Chapmen wrote these lyrics for the song, “It’s all about love”:
“Now they’re fighting in the middle east /And they’re fighting down on Seventh Street /And there are fights in my own house on given days/ It’s like something’s lurking deep inside/That can’t seem to be satisfied/ But life was not meant to be lived this way /’Cause it’s true for every man and woman/ Every boy and girl/ That our only hope for living here together in this world/it’s all about Love.”
There is only one prerequisite for being able to put these peace principles into place -you must be a Christian. A Christian is simply someone who has peace with God. They have admitted they are a sinner (Romans 3:23), acknowledged Christ as Savior (Romans 5:8), and surrendered their lives and wills to Him (John 1:12). Then, with the Holy Spirit’s help, we can live at peace and show the world the Prince of Peace!
Let’s end this morning’s worship by singing “They will know we are Christians” as a declaration of our dependence on our Savior. We are not Christians just in name, but we will live out the Gospel so that others might know that there is hope and joy to be found in a relationship with god through Christ.
They will know we are Christians by our Love
We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord And we pray that all unity may one day be restored And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love They will know we are Christians by our love
We will work with each other, we will work side by side We will work with each other, we will work side by side And we’ll guard each one’s dignity and save each one’s pride And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love They will know we are Christians by our love
By our love, by our love
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love They will know we are Christians by our love
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand And together we’ll spread the news that God is in our land And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love They will know we are Christians by our love
By our love, by our love
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love They will know we are Christians by our love
