“A PRIORITY FOR FAMILY LIVING”
(Exodus 20:12)
Parents of teenagers point to this commandment often. A father of four teens said, “There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate,” and another said, “Insanity is contagious. You catch it from your kids.”
An astute philosopher once complained, “Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect for their elders. They love to chatter in place of exercise. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, babble before company, gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.” Socrates made that comment more than twenty-five hundred years ago.
The fifth commandment is not directed at teens, but to families and children of every age. This is the first of the commandments dealing with human relationships: Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
The family is the most important human relationship. God established it in the Garden of Eden when He brought two humans together and told them to multiply. They were Adam and Eve, male and female.
Family life is at a crossroads in our society. An epidemic of child abuse and neglect puts children in terrifying situations. Children are the focus of more violence than any group. The womb, designed by God to shelter the unborn, has become the most dangerous place on earth for children. Children are also among those most likely to suffer from poverty. Forty percent of all Americans living in poverty are children. The war on drugs is ultimately a battle for the souls of our children. Crack-addicted babies and preteens dealing narcotics suggest the price we pay.
Lance Morrow wrote in Time magazine, “Children have lost status in the world. Teachers have endured a long decline in public esteem. Day-care workers rarely earn a living wage. The role of mother is being rewritten, and that of father as well. A generation of children is being raised in the midst of a redefinition of parenting. Childhood has become a kind of experiment.”
God established the family to be the primary child-rearing and human-nurturing institution, but family life has entered an era of enormous instability. The result is the deterioration of moral life in our civilization. One man writes, “For more than twenty years . . . the institution of the family has been subjected to an endless array of bad ideas, including the sexual revolution, open marriage, no-fault divorce laws, devastating taxes, hostility to children, abortion on demand, ridicule of homemakers, war between the sexes, and the plague of obscenity.”
I. THE PRIORITY OF FAMILY
The family has a divine origin. People propose “alternate life-styles” but God established the family. Chaos results when we abandon His norms for society. The ecological imbalance would cause us to fear for the earth’s survival apart from a biblical perspective. As He ordained ecological norms, God also established sociological standards. The first of these is the family.
The Genesis record suggests that God was thinking family from the very beginning. Jesus referred to this, saying, “at the beginning of creation God ’made them male and female.’ ’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will be-come one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one” (Mark 10:6-8). One man and one woman establish a new family unit. As that family is blessed with children, God requires that the children honor the father and mother, and that the parents be honorable.
II. A WORD TO CHILDREN
For some children these are difficult words. John Huffman, author and Presbyterian pastor, tells of preaching on this commandment sometime ago. Expecting that some would be troubled by memories of less than honorable parents, he was still surprised by the intensity of one letter he received. A woman, present in that service, wrote three typewritten, single-spaced pages on 8 1/2” X 11” stationery.
She told of being the daughter of a man who sexually molested her older sister to the point that after four years she ended up having his baby. She described many overheard, middle-of-the-night conversations between her father and mother, one of which ended with repen-tance. But the pattern started all over again.
As sad as this story is, it is even more complicated by the fact that her father was a missionary, a pastor, and more recently a teacher in a Christian school. She writes, “Unable to reconcile the differing pictures of my father, the missionary/minister with his arms raised to God before his congregation in the morning and my father sleeping with his daughter during the nights, I placed the painful memories deep within my subconscious mind.”
She writes on, describing how these painful memories came back to haunt her as she established her own marriage and later went through a tragic divorce. In later personal conversation . . . she described her own feelings about her mother who knew the facts but entered into an enabling collusion with her father which led to cover-up and continued prac-tice.
She described how she has had to get a court restraining order for the safety of her children, keeping her father from seeing [them], and how resentful her mother is toward her for this behavior. Then, in devastating honesty, she looked me in the eyes and asked, “Do you mean I have to honor these two people who have allowed such pain for me and the rest of my family?”
Violence in the home is devastating. Reports of child abuse soared from 600,000 in 1979 to 2.4 million in 1989. United States Department of Justice sta-tistics indicate that about 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually molested before age 18. Especially grievous is the fact that
Over eighty-five per cent of sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows, loves and trusts. Most often the person who exploits a child is in a legitimate power position over the child. More than fifty per cent of reported cases list parents, parent substitutes and relatives as being responsible for abuse. In most cases, what is labeled sexual abuse is really incest.
Is it possible for a child to honor a dishonorable parent? Millions of children are conceived without love, abused physically, ignored shamefully, and damaged emotionally. How are they to respond to parents who have so mistreated them?
Those who join groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics, realize that their tragedies are shared, and that they can support each other in undoing the effects. They recognize that a necessary first step toward recovery is an honest confirmation that the situation existed. Denial never brings relief.
The most difficult step is to receive and offer forgiveness. As we receive forgiveness from God, we should also forgive those who have sinned against us. Difficult as it is, Paul’s formula is helpful: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).
Those with painful childhood memories can work through them with God’s help. Honoring parents, worthy or not, is the most healthy and mature course. Lewis Smedes offers valuable perspective: “The commandment to honor parents doesn’t tell children to feel happy about their parents or to enjoy camping with them or even having them over to dinner. It says nothing about happy emotional relationships. All that it commands is honor. The commandment is concerned with family structure and the role of parents and teachers and leaders in the family.”
Smedes separates love and honor: “Love is natural impulse; honor is a moral choice.” Even when love has been absent from a relationship, there is still a place for honor. In the best relationships, however, both should be present.
God addresses this crucial commandment to children rather than to parents. He might have said, “Parents be kind, sensitive, generous, and thoughtful towards your children.” We choose neither our parents nor the environment in which we grow up. We may be raised in circumstances where respect comes easy, or in extremely difficult settings, but we can choose to honor our parents.
A promise is attached this commandment. God says to honor your parents “so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” When the commandments are repeated in Deuteronomy 5, the reason is stated, “that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (v 16).
Those who are tyrannized by parental misuse, rejection, or neglect may not be emotionally free to relate to their parents. Those who attain freedom and maturity honor their parents as a step toward their own emotional health, whether or not the parents have earned the right to receive honor.
Obedience offers the promise of a long life. In Hebrew thought this was not a guarantee of many years. It referred more to quality than quantity of life. It was a promise of personal fulfillment. The idea of community fulfillment is included also. The promise, “that it may go well with you in the land” meant that God intended Canaan to be a place of harmony and security. The structure of society is strengthened when the home is secure from deterioration at the core.
III. A WORD TO PARENTS
This commandment, addressed to children, is also relevant to parents. Children will have little problem in honoring par-ents who are honorable. Most often, children reflect their parents.
Dorothy Law Nolte said it well:
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to have confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns appreciation.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
God addressed parents in Deuteronomy 6:
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These command-ments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your chil-dren. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates (vv 6-9).
Christian homes are founded on the conviction of God’s uniqueness and a commitment to love and obey Him. Parents should model a love for God that is full, not fragmentary; commitment must be certain, not careless or casual.
You cannot transfer to your children principles you don’t personally embrace. You can’t convince them of the value of honesty if you are dishonest. Don’t teach morality if you are immoral, and don’t offer advice on clean lips if yours are filled with profanity.
Set an example for your children by honoring your own parents. Joy Davidman adapts one of Grimm’s fairy tales to tell of two parents who mistreated an elder:
Once upon a time there was a little old man. His eyes blinked and his hands trembled; when he ate he clattered the silverware distressingly, missed his mouth with the spoon as often as not, and dribbled a bit of food on the tablecloth. Now he lived with his married son, having nowhere else to live, and his son’s wife was a modern young woman who knew that in-laws should not be tolerated in a woman’s home.
“I can’t have this,” she said. “It interferes with a woman’s right to happiness.”
So she and her husband took the little old man gently but firmly by the arm and led him to the corner of the kitchen. There they set him on a stool and gave him his food, what there was of it, in an earthenware bowl. From then on he always ate in the corner, blinking at the table with wistful eyes.
One day his hands trembled rather more than usual, and the earthenware bowl fell and broke.
“If you are a pig,” said the daughter-in-law, “you must eat out of a trough.” So they made him a little wooden trough, and he got his meals in that.
These people had a four-year-old son of whom they were very fond. One suppertime the young man noticed his boy playing intently with some bits of wood and asked what he was doing.
I’m making a trough,” he said, smiling up for approval, “to feed you and Mamma out of when I get big.”
Deuteronomy 6:7 says that parents are to “impress” these commandments on the hearts of children. Children need direction. Psalm 127 says, “Children are a gift of the LORD. The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth” (vv 3-4 NASB). If children are a gift from God, there are no accidental births or surprise pregnancies. Each child belongs to God and He assigns them to our care as personal gifts. Children are never expressions of God’s displeasure, but His choice rewards. I want to focus here on the word “arrows.”
Arrows are directed toward a target. Parents must steer their children. An arrow cannot guide itself, nor can a child. All humans are wayward from birth. “I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me” (Psalm 51:5). “Even from birth the wicked go astray; from the womb they are wayward and speak lies” (Psalm 58:3). The Wise Man adds in Proverbs 22:15, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Children need parental authority and guidance.
People considered a farmer mean who made his boys work in the summer cornfields while their friends played at the swimming hole. One man scolded the father saying, “Why do you make those boys work so hard? You don’t need all that corn.” The wise father replied, “Sir, I’m not raising corn. I’m raising boys.”
Children learn authority in the home, and no one can be emotionally healthy or mature until they relate properly to authority. As parents our objective is to produce responsible adults who can function independently of our authority, and submit wholly to God’s.
Three excellent guidelines to achieve this are, “Be friendly, be fair, and be firm.” Make your home a place of friendship. Treat your children with the respect reserved for your best friends. Admit your mistakes and be fair in your application of rules and discipline. But do require discipline. In a world that has lost its way morally and ethically, godly parents guide their children well by requiring discipline and acknowledgment of authority.
Jesus told the story of a father/son relationship. The son rebelled against the authority of the home and went far away from all he was taught. The father in the story represents God Himself. We parents would be wise to follow the example of the loving father. First, he gave the boy his freedom with no strings attached. Second, he allowed him to suffer the consequences of his foolishness even though he could have bailed him out. And third, he welcomed his repentant son home without insults or
accusations. He called for a celebration saying, “this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found” (Luke 15:24).
Who would not honor such a father? A loving God is our model. Ultimately, our most important family experience is neither the family into which we were born, or the family we create by marrying and bearing children. The most important family is the one into which we are welcomed by the heavenly Father.
Sixth Message in a Series on the Ten Commandments
