Succeeding Where Success Matters Most – Your Spouse
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
June 12, 2005
At this moment I am seeing three couples for pre-marital counseling. If you asked them they’d tell you that I’m extremely strict about making sure all couples complete a minimum seven-week (roughly 15 hour) course of counseling before their wedding date. Whether I will even perform a wedding at all depends on whether I believe the relationship is healthy, the commitment level sufficiently high, and my own comfort level with how the couple interacts with one another during our counseling time together. Every couple has to not only take the marriage assessment and then go through a minimum of 6 follow-up sessions, but I also require each couple to purchase and read a book called His Needs, Her Needs and we work through that chapter by chapter. As couples get into their follow-up sessions, they are given weekly “homework” assignments where I ask them to spend time during the week practicing communication skills, conflict resolution skills, budgeting skills, or whatever we happened to discuss in session that week. They return the next week and we examine how they did on their homework and what they learned. We talk about gender role expectations, marriage expectations, personality issues, sexual issues, spiritual issues, financial issues, issues that might arise from the couple’s families of origin, childrearing and discipline issues, and communication and conflict resolution issues. If a couple is living together we take an honest look at issues involving cohabitation. If one or more has a child we talk about the difficulties of creating a blended family.
This isn’t a comprehensive list of everything that gets covered, but enough to make the point I want to make, which is that I take the health and survival of marriages extremely seriously. In my first meeting with every couple I explain why I take it as seriously as I do. Jesus made it clear that God’s goal, God’s desire, God’s ideal for every marriage is that they last a lifetime.
Matthew 5:31-32 (NIV)
31 "It has been said, ’Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’
32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
My friends what I have just read to you are some of the hardest and most controversial words Jesus ever spoke. I will deal later with the very difficult interpretation issues in this passage, but I want to begin with what is easy for all of us to understand. God wants every marriage to last a lifetime. The seriousness of Jesus’ words here are why I take marriage as seriously as I do. See, if I can do my homework up front, invest deeply in every couple, make sure they get off to a solid start, guide them into wisdom and maturity and help them address potential areas of weakness in their relationship, I can dramatically decrease the chances that I’ll have to deal with the difficult ramifications of Jesus’ words on divorce in the lives of those couples. I can’t counsel every marriage to guaranteed lifelong commitment, but studies show that the more serious a pastor takes marriage before the wedding, the more serious the couple will take it afterwards, and that’s what we need. Doubtless some of you who have experienced the terrible pain of divorce wish your pastor had spent extensive time preparing you and your now ex for your life together. Maybe some awful things that happened could have been avoided. Maybe some of you wish your pastor had simply warned you not to get married at all at that time.
We always talk about spiritual reality in this church. What that means is that we live in two worlds. There is the physical world we all live in every moment of every day – but Christians believe in a spiritual world that is even more real, and Christ-followers live in that world, even as they go about their duties in this one. It’s what you might call “dual citizenship.” Christians are citizens of this world, called not to disown it, condemn it to hell and forget about it, but to engage with it, to change it, to improve it, to show God’s love to it. Jesus referred to his followers by names like, “light of the world,” and “salt of the earth.” We have a purpose in this world and we are to be out in the world fulfilling that purpose. But we are also citizens of what Jesus called The Kingdom of God – a spiritual kingdom where God is the ultimate authority and where His will is done.
Philippians 3:20 (NLT)
20 But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.
It is the fact of a Christian’s citizenship in another world that motivates them to engage this world and attempt to make it better, to serve others, to show genuine love.
Does it seem I’ve gotten away from talking to you about marriage? Not even close! Because the Biblical idea of marriage is that it’s an institution of this world that shows us, and teaches us, some of the most important truths about the other world – the Kingdom of God. [repeat that] Why take marriage seriously? Why invest in it up front as much as we can and do everything possible to make sure marriages survive and thrive? Well the simple answer is because God wants marriages to thrive. But why does God want marriages to thrive? Because the Biblical idea of marriage is that it’s an institution of this world that shows us, and teaches us, some of the most important truths about the other world – the Kingdom of God. In other words, some of the most important spiritual lessons God has to teach you He will teach you through your own marriage relationship.
Ephesians 5:25-33 (NIV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--
30 for we are members of his body.
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
If we are Christians we are called to demonstrate the same love and commitment to one another that Christ has demonstrated to us. Now that’s a very tall order. The Bible refers to the church several times as “the bride of Christ,” again using this idea of marriage as a metaphor for God’s relationship with the church. If we want to know how much God loves us, how committed God is to us, we have only to commit to loving our spouse in that way and we’ll quickly see, in the words of Ephesians, “how high and long and wide and deep is the love of Christ.”
In marriage you can learn patience, wisdom, love, discipline, sacrifice, selflessness, humility, and yes my friends there you can even learn how to suffer gracefully. Most of the virtues that have the most direct bearing on the quality of person you are are virtues that, if you can’t learn to put them into practice in your marriage relationship, you can’t truly put into practice anywhere. Do you disagree with that? Let me explain.
Lots of guys struggle with pornography. As a pastor I’m fortunate to be in a position where a lot of men (including other pastors) have confessed this struggle to me and have asked me to help hold them accountable for staying away from it. From time to time I’ll ask one of these guys “So how’d you do this week? Did you stay away from porno?” Sometimes they’ll respond with, “Yeah, I did. In fact I did great this week – I wasn’t even tempted at all.” When I hear that I usually ask, “Have you ever in your life looked at pornography at a time when you were not tempted to do it?” They say, “Of course not.” So then I say, “Well if you weren’t tempted to do it this week, then it’s not really all that noteworthy that you didn’t do it this week is it? If the only time you EVER look at pornography is when you are tempted to do so, you will only begin to make progress when you learn to face down the temptation – to not look at it when you are actually TEMPTED to. If you were not tempted, you were not tested. If you were not tested, then you neither passed nor failed.”
To truly learn to love is to learn to love a person who is difficult to love.
Luke 6:32-35 (MSG)
32 If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that.
33 If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that.
34 If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that’s charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.
35 "I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst.
The message is clear. We truly learn to love in the crucible of difficulty, when a person is acting hard to love. We truly learn to give when we ourselves don’t have much money. We truly learn to help others when we stop expecting them to help us in return. And as for commitment – well, we will never truly learn about commitment until we face those times when leaving has crossed our minds. Commitment, love, forgiveness, trust, patience, faithfulness – these virtues are ONLY truly cultivated in the times when it is difficult to practice them. Still don’t believe me? Go home, pick up a feather, and lift it until your muscles grow large. Not gonna work will it? It is only resistance that builds muscle. When you love those who love you, no part of you resists loving. When you help those who will help you, no part of you resists helping. When you give to those who will give back, no part of you resists giving. In the same way it is only what challenges your patience that deepens it, only what makes love difficult that makes love stronger. Marriage, therefore, is the crucible for the formation of Godly virtues in the lives of those who desire to live in the Kingdom of God.
I probably shouldn’t say it is THE crucible, I should perhaps say it is A crucible. What I mean by that simply is that marriage is that crucible for all of those who are married. For those who are not married, singleness is that crucible. Each has its own temptations, its own difficulties, its own struggles, its own opportunities to develop godly character.
Am I getting somewhere with you now? Do you see what I’m getting at, why I take marriage so seriously? This message marks the beginning of a new series today, and it’s a series I have entitled, “Succeeding Where Success Matters Most,” and I have started today with the idea of succeeding in marriage because I don’t think there’s anywhere else in this life that it’s more important that you succeed. You must do everything possible to succeed in your marriage because that is God’s chosen vehicle to grow you into the person He has called you to be – and because through marriage God has given you a stake in modeling the Kingdom of Heaven to the world around you.
Folks it is because of all of this that I require extensive counseling, homework, reading, and other preparation before I will conduct a wedding. I even require couples I’m working with to attend church regularly right up until their wedding. As a minister I preside over the rituals and ceremonies of the church and my commitment is to make sure to invest all I can in couples who desire to build marriages that honor God and build his church. If a couple tells me that’s not really their bag, I kindly inform them that I will not be the person to officiate at their wedding, and I direct them to call a justice of the peace, and tell them honestly that if they really desire a church wedding just for sentimental reasons, it is easy to find pastors who will require no preparation and no spiritual commitment from them and will schedule and perform their wedding. But I will not be that person. I share all this stuff about how I handle pre-marital counseling with you this morning because I want you to understand that I believe so deeply in what I’m preaching to you this morning that I have designed my whole pre-marital approach around it.
Marriage is a sacred institution that God has established for the well-being of men and women, of society, of children and families, and to build in us the character that will make us godly people. Divorce is distasteful in the eyes of God because his love for us is eternal and deeper than we can imagine and his desire for marriage is that it be a reflection of that love He has for every one of us and for the ekklesia – his church universal all over the world. Marriage is to be a deeply spiritual commitment, an irrevocable spiritual union, the environment where seeds are planted that continue building the ekklesia.
What if everyone took marriage that seriously? What if every person in every marriage looked at marriage not as a chance to help the other person become the right partner for us, but as a chance for us to become the right partner for our spouse, and the person God intends for us to be? What if everyone realized that right when marriage gets difficult, that is exactly the time when it becomes spiritually good for us and offers us the opportunity to reach for God’s best for our lives?
You say, “Dave, that’s unrealistic – everybody WON’T realize that. In fact not everybody is a Christian. Some people don’t believe in God, and many who do believe in him aren’t really following his leadership in their lives.” I would say you are right, and that’s part of our key to understanding the difficult interpretation of Jesus words on divorce. Let’s look at that.
All the way through the Gospels Jesus continually tells us, “Drop those external and legalistic ideas of right and wrong and start looking at the heart – because that’s what God sees and what matters most.” Go back and read through the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus is continually saying, “You’ve heard that you shouldn’t kill each other, but I’m telling you to not even nurse anger toward each other. You’ve heard that you are to love your friends and hate your enemies, but I’m telling you to love your enemies and pray for your persecutors. You’ve heard you shouldn’t commit adultery, but I’m telling you it’s not just the act of adultery you need to be concerned about – you need to be concerned about the lust that leads to it in the first place.” Time and time and time again Jesus says, “Your old standard was ‘How can we squeak by, how can we appear righteous.’ I’m calling you to something much higher, to actually BE righteous – to attend to the condition of your heart, because sin begins there.” It is in that vein, in that context, that Jesus says,
Matthew 5:31-32 (NIV)
31 "It has been said, ’Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’
32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
In other words, "the standard used to be give her a piece of paper and ditch her. I’m calling you to love her – to stay with her – to realize that this is for life and that divorce, just like anger, just like bitterness, just like lust and so many other things -- drives a wedge between you and God. These things keep you from receiving all that God has for you – they do something to your heart, making you less able to become who God wants you to be."
Jesus made his desires clear for those who desire in our own hearts to learn to live life close to the heart of God. Many people do not have this wish. In fact some of you here today experienced divorce before you had this wish. Maybe you hadn’t made that commitment of your life to Christ, or maybe you had prayed some prayer and thought that was it, and just didn’t realize it had big implications for your marriage relationship. And you wrestle now with guilt, or at least with deep questions about what that means for you spiritually and how you are to carry on from here. Because frankly you sometimes wonder if you committed adultery by re-marrying. I want to tell you two things about this:
First, if you consider the Bible the “playbook” for the follower of Jesus, I want to ask you why you would condemn yourself by not playing by the Christian playbook before you were a Christian. Of course those who are not Christians do not acknowledge and live according to that playbook! Golfers do not play by the football playbook and tennis players do not follow the instructions for Twister. So if you divorced before you were a Christian or before you understood God’s feelings on divorce, give yourself a break. Now that you are serving God with your life, you have a new playbook and you need to devote yourself to reading it and understanding it because that book is God’s love letter to you. Was the divorce wrong? Probably, but the marriage may have been wrong too! A life that is not surrendered to God cannot ascertain God’s will in anything. A person who is drifting along in life and serving him or herself has far greater problems than whether they are divorced or not.
Second, no matter whether you were a Christian or non-Christian at the time of your divorce, the final reality is that you can always count on the grace of God. No matter what else is going on around you, you can always count on the grace of God. There is nothing you or I have done that God cannot and will not forgive – no amount of distance we have put between us and God that the cross of Jesus Christ cannot bridge. To follow Christ, to serve God, is to understand that – first and foremost – all things are always new!
2 Corinthians 5:17-18 (MSG)
17 Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it!
18 All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other.
God has settled the relationship between you and Him, given you a chance to know Him, love Him, serve Him with your life and live for a purpose beyond yourself. The settling of this relationship between us and God comes through repentance – acknowledgement that we have done wrong, thought wrong, lived wrong. And we have all done that in different ways – don’t put this in a category by itself. If you have faced what happened in your life and dealt with it and repented – in other words “turned around” and vowed to move toward God with your life rather than away from Him, God’s grace has made all things new – given you a fresh start. And having done that, he calls you to settle your relationships with others.
So this morning I want to encourage you, if you are divorced, to first understand God’s design for marriage. And second, to work out that design in your current relationship. One thing is clear and that is that it is God’s desire that you remain in the relationship you are in now, and allow Him to use that relationship to tell you and the rest of the world the story of His relentless, steadfast love for human beings. If you have experienced guilt or regret over your divorce, I encourage you to pray and give that regret to God, stop carrying that around. Allow yourself to experience God’s blessing on your current marriage, and then make sure this one is forever.
Previously divorced or not, I hope you have been able to take a fresh look at the sacredness of your relationship – seen it over again from God’s perspective. Most of you know I’m a counselor and have done counseling work with couples. But I wanted to step up here this morning using God’s words to remind us of God’s ideal for marriage – not as Dr. Phil giving you ten quick tips to a happier marriage. Because success in marriage, from God’s perspective, is not simply being happy or getting along or rooting out conflict – it is building a relationship that honors God, that points to his faithfulness and his mercy and his love, and his refusal to allow anything to come between us and Him. And perhaps most of all, it’s about hanging in there for our spouse the way God hangs in there for us. That’s no small challenge, but one God will help you rise to.
