“THE TOOL OF AFFIRMATION”
TEXT: Ephesians 5: 25-29
Sunday, June 30, 2002
We continue our series on parenting and raising children. Of course, all of us play a role in parenting, whether we have children or grandchildren or children that we work with. We need to parent collectively.
Last week we talked about the important tool of discipline. I think of discipline as a hammer but one thing I forgot to mention last week about discipline is the pattern that you use when you discipline. Your children should know the rules so that they know exactly what they did wrong. If they know the rules, then they know when they break the rules and that’s why they try to hide it. It is important for you to tell your children what they did, and the consequences should be predetermined ahead of time for certain actions or attitudes. Administer the punishment, whatever that is. If you use corporal punishment, it should be only one, two or three whacks on the doupa, usually in rapid succession but not very hard, just enough to produce a little bit of redness. This really does work. End by reminding them what they did wrong and what behavior you expect, and then give them a nice, warm hug, especially if you use corporal punishment.
I want to begin today with the importance of affirmation which is the second tool. If we are committed to loving but firm discipline, then it is important for us to balance this with affirmation.
Dorothy Briggs writes in Your Child’s Self-Esteem, “All parents want their children to avoid the big mistakes–becoming delinquents, alcoholics and drug-abusers. Yet, parents want more than that. They want their children to succeed at school and at work, they want their children to have inner confidence and healthy relationships, a sense of purpose and meaning and, for Christians, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ in their lives.”
This is what all parents want, but we find it difficult to figure out how to make this possible. With a lot of research, they have found time and time again how to make all this possible. The “how” is building high self-esteem in your children. She defines self-esteem as “How a person feels about him or herself. High self-esteem is not noisy conceit, which is actually a mask for low self-esteem, but is a quiet sense of self-respect, a feeling of self-worth. When you have it, you are glad you are you, and with high self-esteem, you don’t waste time and energy impressing others, you already know that you have value.”
Beyond a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, there is no more valuable gift than instilling in our young people a high sense of self-worth. There are tons of books that have been written on the issue of developing self-esteem, and I won’t deal with them here because you can read them for yourself. What I want to look at is whether God’s word promotes a sense of high self-esteem. If God’s word promotes it, then it is a worthy thing for us to instill in our children. You will find many passages in the Bible talking about high self-esteem.
Romans 12:13 talks about having sober judgment and a realistic picture. Genesis 1:26 and 27 remind us that we are created in God’s image; it will produce high self-esteem if you realize that. John 1:12-13 reminds us that we have the potential to be children of God. Think about that! Psalm 8 which we just read reminds us to consider the heavens and all that was done for us. Think of the effort God expended on our behalf simply through creation. In John 3:16, think of what God was willing to do for you and your redemption. It is amazing what God has done for us. Hebrews 1:14 tells us that God has provided angels to watch over us. That’s demonstration of God’s intimate care. John 14:1-3 says that he has personally prepared a place just for you. Psalm 139 tells us that we were fearfully and wonderfully made. Romans 8:37 reminds us that we are not losers but that we are more than conquerors through him who saved us. Leviticus 19:18 reminds us that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. Scripture assumes that you will love yourself.
Another passage that I would like to look at this morning is Ephesians 5:25-29. The context of the last part of Ephesians 5 is God’s teaching on the home. He talks about wives and husbands, and then he talks about husbands. Notice the order–if your home is not in order, then you will have difficulty raising your children. However, if your home is in order and your relationship with your spouse is right, things will go well with your family. Fathers particularly need to encourage their children.
TEXT
The assumption is that we are to love our wives as we love our own bodies. In fact, it says that we are to love our spouses in proportion to our love for our-selves which again is not a noisy self-conceit but a deep inner sense of self-worth that only God can give. In fact, until you are able to affirm yourself, it will be very difficult for you to affirm your spouse and your children.
A lot of adults are in counseling because they never received the love from their parents that they desperately needed. One woman was in counseling for years and did everything she could to get her father to demonstrate in some way that he loved her. The solution for her was to finally realize that her father could not do that because he had never received it himself. It is very difficult to affirm someone unless you have a sense of self-worth.
As Christians we shouldn’t have a problem with that because no matter what our parents or anyone else says about us, it is important for us to realize what God says about us. We should have a real sense of self-worth. How do we develop that capacity for ourselves as well as our children? In verse 29, there are two words that give us a clue as to how to do that. In the NIV, the two words are “feeds” and “cares for.” The actual words are “nourish” and “cherish.”
To nourish means “to bring out.” If you have a rose bush and leave it unattended, it will create very tiny roses. Yet, if you prune it correctly, within that rose bush’s genetic code is the potential to create big roses like you buy in the store. It takes someone who has the capacity to bring out what is already there.
Having brought it out, we are to cherish it. The word “cherish” is used only twice in the New Testament. It is also used in I Thessalonians 2:7 which describes a mother’s tender care for her infant. The image is really of a hen who sits on her nest and keeps the eggs warm. It denotes a sense of care or protection.
If you want to build self-esteem in yourself and your children, you need to nourish and cherish. Bring out what God has already put there, and then protect and care for it and help it to grow.
Benjamin West, the famous British artist, tells a story of how his mother did that very thing for him. His mother put him in charge of watching his sister while she went out to the store. He decided to entertain his sister by drawing a portrait of her in ink. He got out various ink bottles and began to create this portrait of her. In the process, he spilled a lot of ink and got ink blots all over the carpet. Upon his mother’s return, what do you think she did? She went up to him and looked at the portrait and said, “What a wonderful job you did.” She kissed him and said, “You will grow up to be a great artist.” Think of the affirmation Benjamin West experienced because of her nourishing and cherishing of him at that moment.
Most of us would normally have noticed the mess instead of the gift. We are challenged to overlook the mess and look at the gift and bring it out and to cherish it. We need to kiss it into reality. In every child, there is the image of God. Are we bringing that out, cherishing it, and kissing it into reality? Are we helping our children to realize just how special they are? Parents, if you are committed to your child’s welfare, then bring out what God has already placed there, and cherish it.
What do you want your children to remember about you? Do you want your children to remember you saying, “Good job, son.” “Nice work, young lady.” “I’m proud of you.” Or do you want them to remember you saying, “It could have been better.” “You could have worked faster.” “You could have worked harder.”
One father taught his young son how to mow the lawn one day. When he was done, 95% of the lawn was properly mowed. However, all through the yard were little splotches of high grass. Unfortunately, the father noticed the blotches instead of the 95% of the yard that was mowed correctly. He told his son, “Can’t you do anything right?” Are we like that?
When we come home, so often the first words that our family hears out of our mouths is, “Who left the bicycle in the yard?” “How come you can’t pick up your toys?” “Who left the lights on?” “The door is wide open, and the air conditioner is on!” These issues need to be addressed at some time, but when you enter your house, is that the most important thing for you to notice, or is it the precious thing that God has given to you in your wife or your husband or your children? What is the priority? What are we noticing?
We know what needs to be nourished and cherished, but how do we do that? Let me share with you three powerful tools to go from the “ought” to the “how” in nourishing and cherishing things in our children. The first one comes from Proverbs 20:5 - “A plan in the heart of man is like deep waters, but a man of understanding draws it out.” Let’s replace these words with “child” and with “parent.” “A plan in the heart of a child is like deep waters, but a parent of understanding draws it out.” The plan of the heart means those deep inner desires, those thoughts, gifts, abilities and interests. If we are committed to develop our child’s self-worth, then we need to be committed to the discovery process of understanding our child, and that takes time–unrushed time–with our children. It takes time playing, time spelling words, time doing math, time in the swimming pool, time taken so that we can experience and discern for them and with them what their abilities, talents and interests are.
This does not necessarily mean what we want them to be so that we can live through them vicariously, but what is already there, what God has already put within them.
You can hold me accountable for this, but as a father who grew up in a construction family and who was heavily into sports, I will have difficulty if my son wants to be a drama major, especially if he has to wear a tutu. That troubles me. Yet, the challenge that I have to prepare myself for is to nurture what is already there, even if it is contrary to my desires for him because it is what God has already put there. Are we willing to do that?
You might say that it’s obvious what your child is gifted in, but have you told them that? Have you affirmed what they are good at, or are you only looking at what they are bad at? If they are good intellectually, tell them that. If they are great at art, tell them. If they are good in sports, tell them. If they are not so good in school but are great with their hands, tell them that and don’t be ashamed of it.
Secondly, Proverbs 27: 17: “Iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” This applies to all of us. The picture is of a knife being sharpened on a whetstone which makes the knife more effective so that when it cuts, it really cuts. If you slip while holding it, you notice how it really cuts. The only way you can sharpen a knife is if you invest something in the effort. If we are going to raise children with high self-esteem, it means that we need to be involved in their lives. It may cost us a lot of money, it may take us a lot of time, it may take a lot of patience. You need to watch your child develop, and this can be a struggle.
I have watched my girls playing Tee-ball, and I could never be a Tee-ball coach because I want them to be like college players from the get go. Right now, they can’t even throw to each other and that drives me nuts. When the girls come in from playing, I want to tell them how to do it better instead of telling them what they did right. Are we willing to be patient in our children’s development? Children can learn to ride a bike, but it takes time and falling and getting up again. It takes running behind them and helping them accomplish that. It isn’t going to happen with you in the easy chair, reading the paper, drinking coffee. It is going to happen when you are involved with your children and their lives.
Thirdly, Proverbs 27:19 - “As in water, face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects man.” Actually, the word “reflects” is not in the text. It is added. The phrase actually reads, “As in water, face-face, so the heart of man, a man.” A better translation for it is, “As in the water mirror each one beholds his own face, so out of the heart of another person one sees his own heart.” What this tells us is that we cannot know ourselves apart from each other. The only way we can know who we are is what people say and reflect back to us. There is no more important reflection in the mirror for a child than a parent. What are you reflecting back to your child? When you reflect back affirmation and approval, they learn to like themselves. When you reflect life, your children learn about life. When you reflect God, your children learn things about God. Those parents who lack the ability to reflect, raise children who live lives in obscurity. They feel ignored. They lack value and security. As a result they turn away from their parents towards other people, deciding for themselves who they are as reflected by their friends, by TV, by Hollywood. Do you want to put Hollywood in charge of your child’s image? Do you want to put their friends in charge of telling them who they are? They will not get a very good sense of self-worth if you rely upon their peers to tell them how good they are because children are brutal with each other.
If you tell your child he is a loser, he will not disappoint you. If you tell him he is a nuisance, he will become one. If you tell him he will never amount to anything, say it long enough and one day you will be right. If you say he is your pride and joy, he will want to be that. If you tell him he is precious and is made in the image of the Eternal God and that he is the apple of God’s eye, he will want to follow such a God.
When this does not happen, you end up with someone like Larry. Counselor Cecil Osmond writes, “A child who is told repeatedly that he is a bad boy or is lazy or is no good or is stupid or shy or clumsy will tend to act out his picture of what his parent or some other authority figure has given him.”
Larry had a deep-seated depression and a lack of confidence in himself. At age 26, he still hadn’t found what he wanted to do with his life. He was frustrated and insecure and felt very inadequate. His father had always called him “stupid.” Even today , his father tells him that he can’t do anything. Larry’s self-image is distorted. He feels that he is what his father has always said he was.
What are you saying about your child? What is the reflection you are sending back to him or to her? For a parent to discover who their children are and to be involved in their lives and reflect back to them the positive things in their lives, the parent needs to employ good communication and compensation. The parent must not look at what is wrong in their child’s life and what the child can’t do, but he must discover what the child can do and what is right in his life and help to accentuate it. If the child is not good in school, then don’t focus on school, focus on their talent. If the child is not good in sports, perhaps he is great in music and emphasize the musical skills.
There is one song that I hate, and it comes from Willy Nelson. Maybe you’ve heard it because it’s popular. It goes like this:
“Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have,
Maybe I didn’t love you quite as often as I could have,
Little things I should have done and said, I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind, you were always on my mind.
Maybe I didn’t hold you all those lonely times
And I guess I never told you I’m so happy that you’re mine.
If I made you feel second-best, girl, I’m sorry I was blind.
You were always on my mind, you were always on my mind.
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died.
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied.
Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time.
But you were always on my mind.”
Isn’t that wonderful? Who cares? What good does that do? Good intentions do nothing, and parents are wasting time with their children this way. Instead of having parents with good intentions, we need parents who are involved with their children, who observe their gifts and nourish them, and who mirror what is best in them instead of their failures. When God addresses his people, God reflects back to us how he sees us. Take the book of Corinthians for example. In our estimation, the Corinthians are losers, they can’t get anything right. Yet, how does God address them? “To the saints in Christ Jesus...” May we reflect on our children the positive way God thinks about us.
Let’s pray
