THE TOOL OF FLEXIBILITY
TEXT: Various texts
Sunday, July 7, 2002
We are doing a series on parenting, and you might say, “Wait a minute. This is the Fourth of July weekend. We should talk about something more patriotic. Maybe a look back in history or a look at one of our founding fathers. We should talk about the Constitution or the Ninth District Court of San Francisco and its ruling.” That’s great fodder for preachers–we just love that stuff! However, I resisted the temptation because I think parenting is patriotic. I think parenting is a good topic for the Fourth of July. Building strong homes is good for our nation. It produces good citizens, and isn’t that what we need in our nation? We need good citizens.
When God created people, he created them to have children and a home. When God formed a nation, the very building block of that nation was the home. When you have studied the nations that have fallen throughout history, before they fell to an outside adversary they always fell from within. Rome is one of those key examples. Long before Rome fell, Socrates had this to say to his people: “Could I climb the highest place in Athens, I would lift my voice and proclaim, ‘Fellow citizens, why do you turn and scrape every stone together for wealth and take so little care of your children to whom one day you will relinquish all?’” Even Socrates saw in his own day the need for parents to raise their children well, so this is very patriotic.
So far, we have looked at two tools that are important for parenting. The hammer reminds us of the need for discipline. The level reminds us of the need to balance discipline with affirmation. Today’s object is the utility knife or the carpenter’s knife. It is called a utility knife because it has so many functions. It takes a “one-size-fits-all” situation and carves it and cuts it to fit into your house. If you want to put carpet down, you cut it to the size of your room because each room is unique and different. If you want to put rubber molding against the wall, you have to carve it in so that it matches the corner. No piece of drywall fits a wall uniformly. It always takes some carving. You can’t just buy a piece and have a hole cut into the same place for your outlet for every room in every house.
The same thing is true in parenting. Many of the principles you learn will need to be fitted to your circumstance. This takes great flexibility to be a parent. One size does not fit all. I can’t tell you how many parents have told me that they tried the same principles with their second child that they used with their first, and they find that they don’t work. Yet it’s the same family, the same house, but the children reacted to different forms of discipline or affirmation or instruction. Every child, like every home, is unique. You need to take the principles from scripture and then tailor them to the uniqueness of your child. That takes a lot of flexibility, especially as your children become older. As they change, it is important for us as parents to change with them and to mold them, guide them and direct them in their lives.
I can’t tell you how many people, during a wonderful family outing, will come up to me and say, “It won’t last.” I want to say, “We’re having a good time. Let me alone to enjoy my children at this young age.” But they remind me that the pestilence is coming–the pestilence of “teenagers.” Now the same people said that the two’s would be terrible, and I discovered that the two’s weren’t terrible at all. I wonder if they are wrong about the fact that being a teenager has to be a time of turbulence, something to fear. If we say that enough and expect it enough and reflect it enough, our children will become what we expect them to become.
I am going to run against the stream of what people say about the teenage years. I do not believe they have to be stormy. I believe they can be a gentle breeze. For that to happen, however, it will require great flexibility. When we talk about flexibility, it is important for you to know that your child encounters a great period of change with adolescence. There are physical changes, and so many people use hormones as an excuse for bad behavior, and I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that children lose control of themselves just because their hormones are rushing. The children of 60 years ago had the same hormones rushing and didn’t lose control of themselves. Our teenagers can keep control of themselves, even though all those hormones are rushing.
There are four changes taking place during adolescence and your child will want answers to these four questions:
1. Who am I? (The question of identity).
2. What attitude will I choose? (The question of responsibility).
3. What rules will I respect? (The question of authority).
4. Which lifestyle will I adopt? (The question of conformity).
We see the same struggles in four Biblical examples. The first is Jephthah in Judges 11:1-3.
TEXT
Jepththah was a Gileadite. His father was Gilead. The next thing said about him is that his mother was a prostitute. Imagine that being your history–imagine the teasing, the name-calling, the ruthlessness with which this man was treated. It’s no wonder he became a violent man, because he was killed on the inside on a daily basis. As a result, he found it very easy to kill and as a result he became a very valiant warrior.
Even his brothers said that he was the son of a prostitute. You are that other woman’s son. Jephthah reminded them of their father’s indiscretion, and it drove them wild and they rejected him as a result. They didn’t want him getting any of their inheritance, so they drove him out of the home.
What happens when young people can’t find their identify from the home? They go and find it elsewhere which is exactly what Jephthah did. He went and left home looking for some form of acceptance. He found it in a group of worthless men. Why? Because he was told his entire life that he was worthless. The only place he could find acceptance was around worthless people–people just like him.
We have the same problem in our own country. It is said that we have a problem with children in gangs. Children in gangs is not a gang problem. The solution to the problem is not getting kids out of gangs. It’s solving the problem at home. We have a parenting problem in our nation. Children should get their identify from their parents, from the home, from the positive reinforcement that their parents give them so that their identity is strong. Unless you do that, your children will look elsewhere. Think about the places where they can get their identity from, and is that where you want them to get their identify? From their classmates, from MTV, from pop culture. It is important for us as parents to reflect a positive image in our children’s lives.
All children ultimately will turn toward their peers to see if what their parents say is confirmed, or if their parents are not reflecting anything, to find their reflection in their peers. Parents, are you involved and do you know your children’s friends? Their friends will reflect back to them who they want to be. They will become like the friends with which they surround themselves. Is that the child you want to produce? You need to know their friends, and if you want them to have a positive self-image and a strong identify and a strong faith, it is important for you to help choose their friends.
All young people, close your ears for a second. I don’t want you to know any of this stuff. There is a way for you to help choose your child’s friends, and that is early in their lives, teach your children the qualities of a friend. They will then go look for those qualities and surround themselves with people who are real friends and true friends. As a result, their friends will reflect back a positive identity. If you want your children to grow up to be faithful to the Lord, are you surrounding them with other children who are faithful to the Lord?
One rule I have for youth groups is that when you reach the youth group room, there is absolutely zero tolerance for put-downs because we are here to build people up and not tear them down. The same thing is true in the home–absolute zero tolerance for put-downs, especially from their siblings. Sibling rivalry is wrong. The home’s purpose is to build up, not to tear down. If you don’t want schoolmates to tear down your children, don’t let their own siblings tear them down either.
Our second lesson is from Absalom’s life. This is from II Samuel 13-15. Absalom’s father is David, and the timing of David’s indiscretion is interesting. It was right in Absalom’s teenage years. Whereas before Absalom looked up to David almost like a god, he so respected his father, one fateful decision changed all that when David compromised himself with Bathsheba and lost his integrity. The image that Absalom had of his father came crashing down. Bathsheba’s presence in the home reminded Absalom of his father’s indiscretion and compromise of his faith.
This was compounded later in Absalom’s life because it was Bathsheba’s child, Amnon, that raped Absalom’s sister, Tamar, which brought back all the old wounds of David’s indiscretion. If it wasn’t for that, Amnon wouldn’t exist. Absalom was enraged about his sister’s rape, and what did David do? David did nothing and kept silent about the whole thing. This infuriated Absalom all the more because David should have done something about it. I wonder if the reason that David did not confront Amnon was because of his own guilt of his former sexual transgression. How could he hold Amnon accountable when he did the same thing.
I know a lot of parents who have difficulty talking to their children about sex and about dating because they are afraid that if they bring up the subject, their children will begin to ask questions. Having a conscience and knowing it is wrong to lie, the parents will have to tell their own children about their own sexual indis-cretion. As a result, we avoid the topic. That’s the absolute worst thing we could do because what happens? It creates a void in a very important area of your child’s life which they will struggle with. They need advice about this, and it is not available because the parents won’t talk about this because of their own guilt. As a result of that one irresponsible indiscretion in the past, the parent is being irresponsible now. It is irresponsible not to talk to your children about sex and about dating. Don’t compound the problem with another irresponsible act or acts. You need to simply be honest with them and tell them what happened and what the consequences were. Teach your children about sex and about dating. If you don’t, it creates a void in their lives and they will look for answers somewhere else. They will get them from their friends, television or pop culture. Is that what you want?
When children don’t learn about things that are vital to their lives, they grow up with anger and resentment towards their parents because I think built into every child is the “should have.” Our children have a right to be resentful towards us when seeing the wall, we allow them to smack right into it without warning. We know its coming, we’ve already been there. We need to teach them and warn them and tell them how to avoid that wall.
David should have confronted Amnon. He should have held him accountable. He should have talked to Absalom and dealt with Absalom’s anger. He should have taught him how to channel his anger, but he didn’t. As a result, he took matters into his own hands and expressed his anger in a very irresponsible way and had Amnon killed. What does David do? He does nothing. He remains silent. He weeps for Absalom and after years go by, he brings Absalom back but he never talked to him. He never cleared the air when enraged him even more.
Parents, if you have made mistakes in your child’s life, nothing will enrage them more than if you keep silent about it. If you don’t take responsibility for it and apologize for it, it will enrage your children. The same thing happened with Absalom. As a result, he begins to undermine David’s authority and steals the kingdom from him in one great act of insurrection. That one act of irresponsibility ultimately led to Absalom’s death. This all begins with David’s loss of integrity and his inability to confront his child about sin because David does not confront himself about his own sin. He withdrew and stopped parenting, and are you doing that? Have you given up on holding your children accountable?
I can’t tell you how many young people have died because of irresponsible actions–actions they should have been warned about and been held accountable for early in their lives. In order to teach your children responsibility, you need to be responsible yourself. If you want your children to follow after the same Jesus Christ you follow, it means being faithful in worship and faithful to live according to the principles that you preach. It means having integrity. Kids can sniff our hypocrisy everywhere. You can’t fool kids. They know when you are hypocritical. If you want your children to be responsible, it means giving responsibility to them and then holding them accountable for their actions. It means remaining in the game, it means diligence, it means vigilance. By the time their kids hit the teenage years, so many parents give up on parenting and don’t follow through to the end, and their children become irresponsible as a result.
Our third example is Josiah which is a good example of authority. This is a great story of hope. Josiah had the worst family possible. I mean his grandfather was Manasseh, the worst king of all Israel. Yet, Josiah turns out great because of what God did in his life. We find this in II Chronicles 34: 1-3.
TEXT
Josiah became king at age 8. When he was 16, he began to seek God in his life, and by age 20, he was bringing religious and social reform to the nation. I thought ages 16-20 were supposed to be the stormy years. No, Josiah is leading spiritual renewal in his nation, and how is that possible? He began to seek God in his life and become grounded in his faith. If you want your children to follow after your authority and ultimately God’s authority, it is important for you to build a strong relationship with your child and help build in them a strong relationship with Jesus Christ. When they get in touch with Jesus Christ, they hear phrases like “Honor your father and mother.” “Children, obey your parents.” I am an example of it. I did not rebel against my parents, and I came from an irreligious home. I came from a home that didn’t tell me anything about religion. I never rebelled against my parents, even in the stormy years. Why? Because after my conversion, I read in the Bible that you should honor your parents. It is clear–there is no ambiguity to the statement, young people. Obey your parents. Honor your father and mother. That’s God’s will for you now. It comes with a promise–things are going to go well in your life if you do. Why? Because your parents have your best interest at heart. They know the problems that you can get into.
Parents, if you want your children to have that sense of self-control to submit to your authority and more important to God’s authority, you have to teach your child how to submit to your authority. When they become adults, you hand those reigns of authority over to God so that they learn to submit themselves to God. They follow and obey certain rules because they are obeying God. Personal conviction is much better than forced submission. Are you grounding your children in their faith so that you can hand the reigns of authority that you hold over to God?
One tool that will help you is Christian music. This is God’s word in young people’s language. It goes straight to the heart. If you haven’t gotten your children involved in this, just see the Creation people and get them involved in Christian music.
The last example is Daniel. This is a good example of conformity. Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo go into exile to Babylon and they win life’s lottery. Instead of being killed, they are chosen to be in leadership in this new government. To understand the ways of the Babylonian people, they need to be trained in the Babylonian style and culture. They go through this process but during the experience there is something they have to do that contradicts their faith and it has to do with dietary laws. The menu of the king’s table was different from the requirements of the Jewish law. To eat from that table would violate the law.
I can imagine the conversation: “Daniel, it’s not that big a law. Can’t we just eat at the table and be quiet? It’s not adultery, it’s not murder, it’s not the big ones.” No, it’s disobedience to God. Because of their conviction, they held to their faith. There is a key phrase in verse 8: “They made up their own minds.” Later, when confronted with the golden image, they made up their minds not to bow down. Parents, it is important for you to ultimately allow your children to make up their own minds. Part of parenting is that slow process of handing over the reigns of authority and allowing your children to make up their own minds. Before you can do that, you need to teach them from a very early stage right and wrong. Do they know right and wrong? Little by little, you start allowing them to make up their own minds.
The difficulty in this whole thing is: When do we allow our children to do certain things? When do we allow our children to cross the road alone? When do we allow our children to be home alone? When do we allow our children to use a knife? When do we allow our children to sleep over with someone who is not a family member? When do we allow our children to drive on ice? When do we allow our children to date solo? When do we allow our children to wear make-up? When do we allow our children to order from their own menu? When do we allow our children to choose their hairstyle and whether or not to have a tattoo? It’s not “if”, it’s “when.” When do we do these things?
It takes wisdom. There are no cut-and-dried principles here. There are no laws here. A wise thing to do is to talk to other parents of teenagers. A tool to help you relinquish authority so that your children can start making decisions for themselves and reaping the consequences is simply learn the phrase, “You decide.” As preschoolers, you can say, “You decide which stuffed toy to sleep with.” “You decide which cereal you will eat.” When they get to elementary age, the decisions are “You decide who to invite to your party.” “You decide which instrument to try.” “You decide what to order from the menu.” Middle-school age includes “You decide what sports you want to play.” “You decide how you want to decorate your room.” In high school, “You decide what electives you want to choose.” “You decide which summer job you want.” “You decide which youth group functions to attend.”
By the time your young people hit eleventh and twelfth grade, the goal is that they are independent of you. All you have to do is observe, correct, trust and verify so that you know they are being responsible.
I think a good image for parenting is the Golden Gate Bridge. This bridge is a wonderful lesson on strength and flexibility. The interesting thing about this bridge is that its southern pillar is built right on the San Andreas fault. Yet, it never falls. It is built to sway some 20 feet at the center of its one-mile suspension span. The secret to its durability is its flexibility which enables this sway. But that’s not all. By design, every part of the bridge–its concrete roadway, its steel rails, its cross-beams–is inevitably related from one welded joint to another through the vast cable system to two great towers and two great land anchor piers. The towers bear most of the weight, and they are deeply embedded into the rock foundation beneath the sea. In other words, the bridge is totally preoccupied with its foundation. This is the secret. Flexibility and foundation.
If you want to parent and survive the teenage years, it means being the foundation for your children and having the flexibility to know when to sway and how to apply the rules. God grant you the wisdom so that in the strength and in the sway, the stormy years will be a breeze.
