Dealing with Divorce: Hope for the Hard Hearted and the Heavy Hearted
No one knows the pain of divorce more than one who has been divorced. Divorce is not a topic that I can talk about from personal experience; in twenty-seven years of marriage Ronda and I have never even entertained the idea.
I want to be a church that forever lifts up Godfs institution called marriage.
I want to be a church that forever lifts and loves people who have been divorced.
I want to be a church that takes Biblical steps to help prevent divorce.
If you have experienced the tragedy of divorce I want you to know that God will NEVER divorce you! This Pastor loves you! This congregation wants to minister to you. I believe I John 1:9 works for everyone! Letfs repeat that together: gIf we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.h
This is what God thinks about divorce. God hates it!
"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. (Malachi 2:16)
It is an act of violence and anyone who has been thru one can understand what He is talking about. It rips families apart. Divorce will shame your name and strip you of your identity.
This is what God thinks about the divorcee. God loves you! DIVORCE DOES NOT DESTROY A PERSONS VALUE.
John 3:16
gFor God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.h
(KJV)
Our value as human beings is based on the fact that we were created in the image of God. Christian or not, God loves each one and considers everyone valuable enough to die for. Divorce may cause great hurt-but our value remains. Please understand that God loves you and a failed marriage does not mean a failed life! Divorce does not alienate you from Godfs forgiveness & grace
Some people who have been divorced have said, upon reentering the social scene that they felt like damaged goods or a failure that no one would want. That’s not the way God sees them!
Besides, if we get right down to it, we could all qualify for damaged goods.
Romans 3:23
gfor all have sinned and fall short of the glory of Godh
(NIV)
Yet Divorce in America must be dealt with because...
The divorce rate is more than double what it was in 1960.
In 1998 2.2 million couples married and 1.1 million divorced.
In 2000, 58 million couples were married yet separated and another 21 million couples were divorced. We now have the lowest percentage of married adults (58 percent) in America’s history.
Co-habitation has increased by 443 percent since 1970.
More people are in their 2nd marriage than 1st. Second marriages are at greater risk of ending in divorce than first marriages.
People between the ages of 25 to 39 account for 60% of all divorces.
75% of women and 80% of men remarry within 5 years after divorce
Over 1 million children are affected by divorce each year.
Being a Christian doesnft seem to make a difference!
According to a 2001 study by George Barna of the Barna research institute; Overall, 33% of all born again individuals who have been married have gone through a divorce, which is statistically identical to the 34% incidence among non-born again adults.
Our society bases its beliefs about marriage on what they see on TV, soaps and sitcoms, talk showscand what they hear from friends and co-workers, or what theyfve experienced in their immediate family.
The gSeinfeldh TV program once referred to marriage as a prisoncnow why would you willfully want to go to prison?c
The Bible puts marriage in a totally different light than society.
Malachi 2:15
gYou were united to your wife by the Lord. In God’s wise plan, when you married, the two of you became one person in his sight...h
(TLB)
Marriage is more than just a loving relationship between husbands and wives. MARRIAGE IS THE SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION FOR ALL OF SOCIETY, FOR EVERY CULTURE, FOR ALL TIME; it is the cornerstone of how we relate to one another within our community. Male and female; young and old; regardless of your religious persuasion or ethnic background, MARRIAGE AFFECTS US ALL.
How important is the marriage relationship? Spin the hands of time and stop anytime throughout history, and spin the globe and stop anywhere man has lived and you will find a culture that is built upon the marriage relationship between men and women. Cultures may differ on how a couple is joined together in marriage and may even differ on the number of wives a husband could take, but the foundation of all relationships grows out of the marriage relationship.
Genesis 2:24
gTherefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall CLEAVE
unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
(KJV)
To CLEAVE means gto cling or to glueh
When we are joined together in marriage itfs like putting two strips of tape together and joining them together at the glued sides. Those two pieces of tape become strong and one. Taking them apart would be very difficult. In fact to separate them, would have a tearing apart effect. This my friend, is the same effect that happens with divorce.
It is not your love that sustains your commitment;
it is your commitment that sustains your love!
Hope for the Hard Hearted:
Divorce came into being under the time of Moses. Jesus makes it clear that it did not come about because of Godfs change in what marriage should be about, but because of the hardness of the peoplefs hearts. God saw the tremendous amount of pain and suffering some of the men of the time were heaping upon the women and he allowed divorce, not to please the men, but to be merciful to the women. At that time a woman could not get a divorce, she could only leave.
Matthew 19:6-9
gSo they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
(NIV)
v. 6 Thatfs Godfs math: 1 + 1 = 1! Marriage is not a contract; it is a covenant. In a contact, the two parties remain separate (Party of the first part and party of the second part). Like salad dressing, oil and water, shaken up and mixed together, put never really one. Left alone and still, salad dressing will eventually separate into their original respective parts. In a covenant, the two become one in the same. The Marriage Covenant is a lot more like mashed potatoes. How do you make mashed potatoes? Take 2 potatoes, skinned them alive, cut them up, put them in hot water to soften their temperament, and mash them together into 1!
Marriage problems are the result of heart problems. One, or both individuals has let sin harden their hearts to the place where they wonft let love work. God already revealed His preference in v. 6. And so even in instances when the exception clause comes into effect, God still would prefer forgiveness and reconciliation, where possible.
Nothing will more reveal whatfs in your heart like being married. Ifve counseled with couples before, and one looks at the other and tells me, oh, they just make me so angry! No, she canft MAKE you angry, she just caused the anger that was already there to surface. You canft squeeze anything out of a dry rag!
Hope for the Heavy Hearted: The scriptures permit divorce; however the Bible does not REQUIRE DIVORCE. God always encourages RECONCILIATION over separation and divorce. With God we can have a BREAKTHROUGH instead of a BREAKDOWN.
Stages toward hope
for the heavy-hearted:
1) Be Faithful to God and others!
Malachi 2:10-11
Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another? Judah has broken faith...h
The cure for the disease of divorce is FAITHFULNESS. Five times in only seven verses Malachi encourages faithfulness within marriage relationships.
œ verse 10: gby breaking faith with one another.h
œ verse 11: gJudah has broken faith.h
œ verse 14: gyou have broken faith with her.h
œ verse 15: gdo not break faith with the wife of your youth.h
œ verse 16: gSo guard yourself in spirit and do not break faith.h
2) Forgive
When you have been hurt by another person, human nature wants to attack, to hurt them back. Thatfs why one of our first inclinations when wefve been hurt by a selfish or unfaithful spouse is: "Ifm going to get even- Ifm going to make them pay for this." And we are counseled by some friends and some lawyers to "sock it to them."
But would you realize that when you seek revenge the person you really hurt is yourself.
gDo not try to punish others when they wrong you, but wait for God to punish them with his anger. It is written: I will punish those who do wrong; I will repay them, says the Lord.h We are supposed to wait and let God handle the justice because He handles it perfectly. In the meantime, He says, gYou should do this: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink... Do not let evil defeat you, but defeat evil by doing good.h (Romans 12:19-21)
Thatfs a tall order but will you remember that forgiveness is relinquishing my right to hurt back. So donft look for opportunities to sock it to your ex-mate. So guard your words carefully, ask a close friend to help you to acknowledge when your venom begins to pour out and help you stop it. And quit blaming your ex-partner for everything that goes wrong in your life and please stop running down your ex-partner in the eyes of the children.
Harold Ivan Smith tells about a woman whose name was Mary. She had just weeks before gone through a nasty divorce. She had gotten the house but he had gotten the nicer car and left her with the older one. Her husband had always taken care of the cars and she had heard about how that mechanics often take advantage of divorceefs and so she was always fearful of the car breaking down. And then one day, while traveling on the expressway during rush hour, the car just stopped. She was able to coast over to the shoulder but she just sat there so afraid and frustrated. Finally she began to pound on the wheel and screamed, "Itfs all Johnfs fault- itfs all Johnfs fault! He takes the good car and leaves me with this junker. Why, why?" And then her 7 year old son, who was with her, said, "Mom, itfs not the car, itfs the gas, wefre out of gas, Mom." And she wrote, "I said, `Thatfs impossible!f but sure enough the needle was on E. We hiked back to the filling station and to this day we laugh about that day. But I had been so quick to blame my mistake on the childrenfs father." Learn to accept & begin to forgive.
3) Keep the Faith
Olivia was her name, she married Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), an unbeliever. Olivia was born again. In disobedience to God, she married him. One day she was reading the Bible out loud at home. He said, would you please put that down, and he said, I forbid you to read that anymore.
She lost all her spiritual zest and fervorcnot her salvationcthe joy of her salvation she lost. One day the family went thru a major tragedy, she fell apart. Her husband said, Olivia, if it helps you to lean on your faith, then feel free. She said, I have no faith left to lean on!
