Read Exodus 20:1-17
Last week I was approached by one of our members and we were talking about this series on the Ten Commandments. They said that they thought I was handling the topic real well but they were waiting for the Seventh one. This ought to be real good they said. So here we are the seventh Commandment. "You shall not commit adultery.
Have you ever thought about what type of damage we inflict on ourselves and our families with this one? Last week we talked about Murder. I have heard families justifying murder. The family was able to justify what was done, “He was protecting the family, He was protecting Himself.” The one who committed the crime might not be able to tuck the kids in at night but that’s because the system took an innocent man off to prison.
With adultery there’s not this type of justification. The reason that you can’t tuck the kids in at night is because you made a choice. Someone else over your family.
Kids are the collateral damage when a mother or father treats the sacred marriage vow like a lease agreement. Trista is a teacher. We have had many conversations about children whose parents are divorcing because of adultery. Kids who have been good students suddenly start failing tests and neglecting homework. Children who have never required correction suddenly start spending time in detention or have their names written at the top of a discipline folder and filed alphabetically with other behavioral problems.
Ask little league coaches which kids require the most attention and cause the most problems. Ask police officers and judges. But adultery doesn’t just hurt kids. They are among the first victims, but the shrapnel created when an affair blows up wounds more than the little ones.
I recently read an article by Ken Blanchard, author of The One Minute Manager and a highly sought after business consultant. He was invited to consult with a bank that was having tremendous personnel problems. He interviewed all of the employees and still could not find the reason why morale was so low. Blanchard knew that the employees were keeping something from him but he didn’t know what. After some more digging he discovered that the president of the bank was having an affair with one of the employees. No one dared criticize the affair for fear of losing their jobs. But they had lost all trust and respect for the president and his other woman; a loss no financial institution can sustain for very long.
Blanchard prepared his report and met with the president. He confronted him with the affair and described the effect it was having on the employees. Blanchard’s point was simple; your bank’s morale problem is really a morality problem and the problem is yours. To his credit, the president of the bank accepted responsibility and made the required changes. Today, the personnel problems in that bank are a thing of the past. The point is, adultery in the work place has an economic impact. People who are spending their energy to cover their tracks always become less productive at work. Coworkers are forced to pick up the slack. Resentments and distrust erupt.
Ask people who work with children if adultery is a big deal. Ask business owners who have had their companies turned upside down. Ask friends who have witnessed a marital meltdown. When two people have an affair every relationship they have is betrayed. Friends are forced to choose sides. Who do you sit with a ball games, concerts or theatrical performances? When a husband and wife divorce because of an affair, which friendship do you keep? Which do you try to maintain? One or the other or both will suffer in some way. Acquaintances who may not have heard about the affair ask embarrassing and painful questions. The truth is, there are no winners when someone commits adultery. It is relational nuclear warfare. Everyone is affected by the fallout.
Burton Coffman wrote, "Jesus declared that the scripture cannot be broken in John 10:35. In the cosmic sense, there are never broken commandments. Only broken men and women, broken hearts, broken lives, broken dreams, broken nations, and broken civilizations." (p. 91).
Adultery hardly ever begins with sex. Usually it begins with friendship. A man and a woman meet each other at work or at the little league field where their kids play ball, or through school or church involvements. They develop a friendship - nothing more. At first.
But they bring to this friendship all that they are and are not - all their dreams and disappointments - all their joys and frustrations - all their hopes and all their cynicisms. In the course of time and over many conversations they share bits and pieces of their stories with each other. She learns of his frustrations with his wife. He listens to her as she laments the shortcomings of her husband. They sympathize with each other. They empathize.
And one day, when neither of them were expecting it or planning for it to happen, they cross a line. A brush in a hallway at work. A too tender touch in the bleachers at the ballpark. A hug that lingers a bit too long at church. A physical connection is made and they feel a frightening but exciting electricity.
Walter Wangerin calls it the moment of maybe. Up till now this person has been nothing more than a friend. Now there is the possibility that maybe more than friendship can be shared. That’s when the fantasies begin. That’s when the unfair comparisons between your spouse and the new object of your affections begin.
I say that the comparisons are unfair because they are. When a man or a woman develops an unhealthy and unholy attraction to another person they typically begin to compare their spouse to the other.
Now think about it. You live with your spouse. You see him or her in the best of times and in the worst of times. You see the bad hair days - or weeks. You smell the morning breath. You experience the bad moods and the ill tempers.
But you rarely see the other person in these ways. You see them only when he or she is dressed up to be out and about. Only when they are projecting a good image. Only when they are smiling and kind and friendly. And you begin to wonder, "Why can’t my spouse be like that?"
The truth is you are seeing the lie that we all project to one another. What you have done is created an image that not even the other can live up to. We talked about false images a few weeks ago.
I heard about a dad who took his family to the beach. The young son asked, "Hey dad, why don’t the people on this beach look like the people on Baywatch?" The dad answered, "Son, nobody looks like that. Even the people on Baywatch don’t look like that." And he was right. Yet we are seduced by this image we create. And the comparisons we make rob us of the joy and the beauty and the love right before our eyes.
When Trista and I first got into ministry we were appalled by the number of not only church members but ministers who allowed their families to be destroyed by adultery. I don’t remember where we first read these rules to avoid earning a scarlet letter, but we have added our own twist to them. So I guess if you cannot remember where you got an idea it must be original so I will take credit for them.
1. All your friends should know your spouse. And your spouse should know all your friends.
Every time you have a conversation with a member of the opposite sex it should be abundantly clear that there are not just two of you talking, but there is also a spouse or two spouses. When your friends know your spouse a natural restraint is imposed. Even if your spouse is not present in body, he or she is present in spirit.
If you are a man, your wife should know all of your female friends and they should know her. If you are a woman, your husband should know all of your male friends and they should know him.
I have guy friends that Trista has never met but you can bet that she has met every woman I have met more than twice.
2. Never discuss your marital frustrations with a member of the opposite sex, unless you are in a professional counseling arrangement.
Let’s be totally honest with each other. When you share your frustrations with an unscrupulous man or woman, you are telling them which buttons to push to start your engines.
If you complain that your husband never notices you anymore, the other will start complimenting your appearance. If you tell a female friend that your wife criticizes you constantly, she will constantly affirm you.
Even people of high moral and ethical principles will begin to sympathize with your frustrations. And that sympathy will feed a need in your heart.
And I believe that it’s dishonest. The commands found in Matthew 5:23-24 "If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
And Matthew 18:15 "And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.
Apply to your marriage also. You need to be talking to your spouse about those frustrations or working through them in a counseling environment.
3. Limit your time alone with members of the opposite sex.
Again, I’ll be direct. Men and women should never travel on business alone. Quite frankly, I don’t want to hear about how in today’s business world those kinds of Victorian restraints are impractical. We do not live by today’s business standards. Remember Paul said “Do not be conformed to this world” I believe that includes its business practices.
If your company routinely sends men and women off on business trips together, you need a new company policy or, if that isn’t going to happen, then you need a new company. Too much is at stake, economically and spiritually, to risk it on such a dangerous arrangement.
Trista and I have an agreement that I will never be alone with a woman unless she’s old enough to be my mother. We have found that there enough privacy in a corner of Taco Bell over a Mountain Dew to discuss anything.
Some years ago a friend of mine challenged me on this practice. He said his wife frequently traveled with men and that he often lunched with women. They are divorced now because of an affair. There are always many reasons for an affair, but if you can remove one of the dangers, then why not do it?
In a passage that talks about adultery, Proverbs 16:27 asks, "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?" Some of us are standing too close to the fire.
4. Confess your temptations before they become transgressions.
I often wonder why in the world are we afraid to confess temptations?
Let me ask you three questions and it OK to answer these out loud. It will be easy so you don’t have to worry about being wrong. Who was the only person who ever lived a sinless life? Altogether now: JESUS!
Good. Question two: Was Jesus ever tempted? Altogether? Yes!
Last one: So is a sin to be tempted? NO!
So here’s a scenario. You are experiencing some frustration in your marriage. It has been going on a long time. But there is this woman at work who treats you like you wish your wife treated you. She makes you feel like a man. There is this man at the office who is really nice to you and treats you with respect and tenderness. He makes you feel like a woman. Then one day something occurs to you - you didn’t mean to think it, it just jumped out of your mind. You think, "What if I was married to her? Or him?" Then you start the comparisons. Then the fantasies begin. Right then - at that moment - you need to get on the phone and call a trusted Christian friend and say, "I need your help and your prayers. I am being tempted to have an affair."
DO you remember what James said in chapter 5:16?
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.
If we can confess our sins, then we have got to be able to confess our temptations. If you are a man, having a trusted brother who knows gives you some important accountability. If you are woman, having a sister to talk to helps to take the teeth out of that temptation.
Let me add a brief warning here. In the confused delirium of an attraction, we don’t always think too clearly. I had someone once ask me, "Do you think I should tell this woman that I’m attracted to her so that we can work on it together?"
Oh yeah, then wouldn’t you be the hero! What a nice, safe way to find out where you stand. If she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings you look good because of your desire to be a faithful Christian. If she does, then you’ll work on it together all right.
I believe that men should always confess to men. Women to women. We need to keep in the family of Christians, but we also need to keep it within the gender.
5. See your opposite sex relationships through the eyes of your spouse.
If Trista is jealous of the time I spend with another woman, than I am spending too much time with that woman. If I don’t feel comfortable with the just-friends relationship Trista has developed with another man, she is too close for comfort.
We are old enough and secure enough in our relationship not to spend all of our time being jealous of other people. But we are also wise enough to know that sometimes it looks different from another angle.
Walter Wangerin says, "Well, here is the one good purpose of your spouse’s jealousy; to act as the warning you may lack."
6. Root out every selfish inclination of your heart.
At its core, adultery is not about love. It is not even about lust. It is about selfishness.
The adulterer has determined that his or her desires and needs are more important than the marriage relationship. Really, you can’t violate the seventh commandment without first violating the first commandment; you shall have no other gods before me.
Before the first fantasy is ever played in your mind, before the first electric touch, before the first kiss of an adulterous affair, the first commandment has already been broken. Another god has won our allegiance. The god of self.
Close
The most important thing you can do to avoid the scarlet letter A is to earn a golden letter M - for marriage. Work on your marriage. Make it all God wants it to be and you’ll go a long, long way to avoiding a relational nuclear meltdown.
The reason this is so important is because God has described our relationship with him like a bride awaiting her groom. If we cannot figure out how to become one with an individual here on earth, someone we can see, touch, feel, talk and listen to for the long haul then how are we ever going to figure out how to make the long haul with God?
